Dear Diary. I've been thinking a lot lately about this poster that my grandmother had framed in her hallway. It's that old Serenity prayer, you know, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." I've never gone in for the whole religion thing in general, but I always liked that quote. But regardless of what I believe, that God is not in Ferelden. I don't know if I believe in The Maker and Andraste's keeping her thoughts to herself. I think my problem - one of my problems - is that I have too much knowledge and not enough wisdom. I wish I could speak to Alistair and Grayson. I wish I could just tell them the truth and let them figure out what to do with it, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll fuck the whole world up.
I'm currently sitting on a rock by a river. I don't know the name of the river but I do know that we're somewhere in the Hinterlands, about a day's journey from Redcliffe. It's so wild, I know this place like the back of my hand. Sort of. I'm so glad I didn't listen to all of the internet forums screaming "GET OUT OF THE HINTERLANDS, THE INQUISITOR SHOULD NOT WASTE TIME SHEPHERDING DRUFFALO" and actually took the time to explore a little when I was playing Inquisition.
I just wish Emily was here with me. I feel so lost without her. I don't feel her around me. Aren't you supposed to feel your loved ones around you when they die? And don't we get some kind of special, spirit vibe thing happening? Isn't that supposed to be part of the whole twin package? I bet she'd know what to do about the whole "knowing the potential future" situation. Whoever or whatever brought me here, they picked the wrong twin.
I'll try to write again soon. I have to go now, Leliana's finished bathing and she's calling for me to fix her hair. The girl loves an up-do.
I shoved my diary back into the deepest recesses of my pack and jogged over to where Leliana sat with her back to me, half-turning to smile at me as I approached.
"Could you do the same as you did last night? I liked that style." She purred, in that ridiculously sexy voice. My accent sounded so harsh and grating in comparison, and I wondered if anyone would notice if I just adopted a fake Orlesian accent at this stage. Probably. My own hair was pulled back in boxer braids, and Leliana had gushed when she saw me and lamented that her hair wasn't long enough for the style. I knelt down behind her and fished the little tub of hair grips that I'd used the night before out of my handbag and set about combing and pinning her hair into an elaborate but practical up-do. The work was soothing, and I allowed my mind to go blank as I concentrated, twirling and pinning over and over again.
By the time Alistair and I had arrived at the Lothering Chantry, I was surprised but relieved to find that Grayson had already found and recruited Leliana, or rather she had found him. I was not surprised or relieved to learn that Loghain had survived the battle and wasted no time at all in placing a bounty on our heads, nor that Arl Eamon was sick with a "mystery" illness.
Alistair and I told Grayson about Sten and our plan to bring him with us and, though reluctant at first, Leliana eventually agreed to convince the Revered Mother to release him to us. One unlocked cage and a quick meal later, we were ready to leave Lothering behind. We had urged the Revered Mother and the Templars to evacuate the town as soon as possible, and even as we made our way towards the Imperial Highway, tents were being pulled up and wagons were being loaded with refugees and supplies.
Bodahn and Sandal were not conveniently waiting for us to save them as soon as we left Lothering as I had expected they would be, and this worried me slightly, but we found them on the Western road after only a few hours of walking. They joined us then - not officially, and every time they caught up to us on the road Bodahn acted surprised to see us, but every night since they had set up camp beside us. Every time Sandal saw me, he stumbled towards me with round eyes, holding out a rune and babbling excitedly about enchantments until Bodahn caught him and led him back to their wagon. I figured the strange dwarf sensed that there was something other-worldly about me and that was the reason for this reaction, but Bodahn assured me that it was because I was "pretty". Somehow, with both Leliana and Morrigan there in all of their effortless beauty, I thought my theory held more water.
The last few days had actually been pretty peaceful. We had run into a few darkspawn stragglers, but nothing to write home about, and Leliana was such a chatterbox that her presence alone lifted everyone's spirits and the days seemed to draw in much faster as we all walked and talked, sharing stories, singing and laughing. Sometimes, I forgot where I was, and I let myself feel like a normal girl, hiking through the woods with her friends.
Once I was finished with Leliana's hair, we made our way back to camp and I grabbed Alistair's shield from where it lay resting against his pack. I held it up in front of Leliana so that she could inspect her reflection and she ooh-ed, thanking me and assuring me that I would make an excellent servant in Orlais if the Grey Warden thing didn't pan out.
Sten and Grayson hunted down a couple of rams near Lake Luthias which Alistair promptly ruined by overcooking them, and then trying to compensate for overcooking them by over-salting them, but the way the four of us were putting it away you'd think it was ambrosia. Leliana and Morrigan barely got a look-in.
After dinner, we fell into what was quickly becoming our new routine. We gathered around, far enough away from the camp-fire that it was safe but close enough that we still had light, and the rest of us sat on the ground or, in the case of our current campsite, on the trunk of a fallen tree, while two at a time we sparred.
Morrigan did not join in. She had started to move further and further away from the rest of us whenever we set up camp. She hadn't resorted to building her own camp-fire quite yet, but I didn't suppose it would be much longer before she did. I could understand why she felt the need to isolate herself from the group, given what Flemeth had sent her to do, but despite how much her insensitive comments and apparent disregard for anyone but herself annoyed me at times, I felt uncomfortable with her exclusion from the group. Whenever I caught sight of her hovering on the edge of the group, I was forcibly reminded of the cliques in high school, and I tried my best to let her know that she was welcome to join us at any time.
I settled down on the fallen tree beside Sten, who growled in acknowledgement of my presence. Tonight, I was dressed in Emily's black yoga pants and purple sports bra that criss-crossed at the back and I had thrown on my giant t-shirt again for comfort. Alistair and Grayson sparred first and I watched them with rapt fascination. They appeared to be pretty equal in both strength and skill and they seemed to be growing more and more competitive with each other every night. The first night they had sparred, it was all jokes and polite banter. Tonight, there was no back-and-forth, no laughter. Alistair's mouth was a hard line of determination and Grayson's eyes were so focused you'd think he was fighting an Archdemon. After a while, they called it a draw, shaking hands and smiling, the tension breaking immediately when Alistair cracked a joke and Grayson threw back his head in laughter.
I sprung up, grabbing my daggers and prancing over to them.
"My turn." I grinned. "Alistair, you did something really cool just now there, when Grayson came at you from the right, you..."
"Oh, yeah...you want me to teach you?"
I nodded, enthusiastically, and Grayson took my place on the fallen tree to watch. Morrigan slinked over to us and, to everyone's surprise, perched herself on the tree beside Grayson. I stood facing Alistair, weapons in hand.
"I could show you a few moves that I think you'll be able to master fairly easily." He said, twirling his sword expertly. I peeled off my baggy t-shirt and threw it off to the side to reveal the purple sports bra I had on underneath and he looked up at me, fumbling with his sword. It fell from his grasp and landed on the grass with a soft thump.
"Yes, teach me, master." I said, sarcastically. Leliana giggled and Sten let out low growl. It was always difficult to tell with him, but it almost sounded like a growl of amusement.
A blush rose up in Alistair's face all the way to his hairline and he started stammering, averting his eyes from me.
"I...I mean you…well, it's just…it would help if maybe…well, you're a little under-dressed." He finished, apologetically. I looked down at my clothes, crossing my arms across my stomach, self-consciously. I wore this in public all the time on my way to and from yoga class, it was basically a crop top.
"Are you serious?" I gaped at him. "If you think this is under-dressed, how the Hell do you cope with her?" I asked, gesturing to the ever-scantily-clad Morrigan.
"Oh, I imagine he sees me less as a woman and more as a feral apostate to be leashed."
Sten growled his appreciation for the leashing of apostates but Morrigan pretended not to hear and continued, her eyes flashing wickedly. "You, on the other hand…"
Alistair's face was scarlet now and I held up a hand for silence.
"Enough, okay. That's enough. Grayson?" I gestured to my t-shirt and he reached over to pick it up, throwing it to me. I caught it and yanked it roughly over my head, almost as embarrassed as Alistair was. I felt like I'd been slut-shamed or body-shamed or...I don't know, some kind of shamed, though I knew it hadn't been his intention. "Better? Okay, let's spar."
After we had all tired ourselves out, we gathered around the camp-fire, settling in to hear one of Leliana's stories. Tonight, however, she shook her head.
"I love telling stories, but I love hearing them too. I think someone else should speak tonight." She said, brightly, looking around the fire for a volunteer. Grayson and Alistair deliberately avoided her gaze, Grayson studying his fingernails intently and Alistair leaning back, looking up at the sky and frowning at the stars as if he'd just seen something terribly interesting. "Sten?" Leliana suggested. The Qunari grunted.
"Very well. Once there was a Qalaba-"
"A what?" Grayson asked, curiously. Sten growled at the interruption, and I answered for him.
"It's like a big dumb cow that the Qunari breed." I said, helpfully.
"It is as you say." Sten confirmed. "Once there was a Qalaba who tried to cross a river. The water was deep and the current was strong. The Qalaba was swept away. It drowned."
"Okay...then what happened?" Alistair prompted, when Sten didn't continue.
"Nothing." He replied. I stifled a laugh, and Alistair and I exchanged amused glances.
"But...I don't get it. What's the moral of the story?" Grayson asked, frowning.
"There is none. You are not a Qalaba, so it would not apply to you."
We sat in awkward silence for a few moments, before I turned to Leliana.
"This is why you're the story teller." I said, pointedly. She smiled, shaking her head defiantly.
"No. I think you should tell us a story, Lauren."
"Me? But...I don't know any stories." I protested.
"I'm certain that is not true." She replied, and I looked around, racking my brains for inspiration, before a thought struck me. I knew stories. I knew lots of stories. This is Ferelden, they don't know any of the classics. I grinned.
"Yeah, okay. Sure." I agreed, clearing my throat. They all leaned in a little closer. "In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit..."
I left the story just as Bilbo and the Dwarves were setting out on their journey, having spent a great deal of time covering the lore of Middle Earth, and everyone got ready for bed, agreeing that it was, indeed, an interesting tale. I rose to my feet, my muscles protesting after sitting down for so long, and made my way to my tent, but Alistair intercepted me.
"I was wondering if you had a moment to talk." He said, quietly. I shrugged, looking down at Larry who lay outside my tent already. He wagged his tail excitedly when I spoke to him.
"Larry, cancel all of my appointments, please." I said, keeping my face dead-pan. He woofed, happily, and I looked back at Alistair. "Looks like I have a moment. What did you want to talk about?"
He looked around, surreptitiously.
"Not here." He replied, quietly. He led me away from camp, and we found ourselves standing by the river. The full moon was high in the sky, and it made the water look like liquid silver.
"This place is beautiful." I sighed, wistfully, taking a seat on the same rock I'd sat on before. Alistair joined me, nodding.
"It sure is." He agreed.
"So." I said, looking at him. "What's up?"
He cleared his throat, uncomfortably.
"Well. I don't really know how to say this so...I'm just going to say it. I told you that I was raised by Arl Eamon."
"Actually, you told Grayson you were raised by Arl Eamon. You told me you were raised by flying dogs." I corrected him. "But please, go on."
"Right. Well...I mentioned that I didn't know who my father was. This...isn't strictly true." He confessed. I did my best to keep my face as straight as possible, arranging my features into what I hoped was an unreadable mask. "My father was King Maric."
"No! What?" I gasped in faux shock. If Alistair hadn't been so nervous, he would probably have realised that I was acting because I was overdoing it slightly. "That's...woooah! Mind blown!"
"I know." He agreed, nodding. "Anyway, I told Grayson earlier and I just wanted to tell you too. I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, it's just-"
"Say no more, your Majesty." I said, cutting him off. He groaned.
"Don't do that." He pleaded. "Please? I'm just Alistair. Please can I just be Alistair?"
"Relax, I'm joking." I replied, grinning. "Your Highness." I couldn't help myself. He laughed, in spite of himself, and I placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry. I promise not to treat you any differently."
"Well, good. You shouldn't treat me differently. It doesn't mean anything." He replied. The smile left his face, slowly, and he looked down. "Duncan always did. He never treated me like I was just another Grey Warden. He was more...protective of me. Drove me mad. I used to get so frustrated with him. Now, I just wish..." He trailed off, unable to finish.
"You wish he was here." I finished for him. He nodded, wordlessly. "I know how you feel." I hesitated, uncertain if I really wanted to tell him about the hole in my heart. I decided that I had enough secrets, and I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone in his grief. "I haven't said this out loud to many people." I said, and he looked at me, curiously. I sighed, steeling myself. "I have a sister...had a sister. We were twins. I know what you're thinking..."Two of her? What a nightmare." But Emily was...she was so special. She was smart and funny and kind and generous and good at pretty much everything. She was my best friend...my freakin' heart. Our entire lives...we did everything together. She was my person." My voice sounded hollow, even to my ears, but I kept the tears from falling.
"What happened to her?" He asked, quietly. I looked down, unable to meet his eyes.
"She died. She was killed by...something. I don't know what." I finished, lamely.
"How old were you?" He asked, shifting closer to me.
"Eighteen." I replied, with a wry smile. "It only happened about three weeks ago."
"Oh. Lauren, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. You never said...of course you never said anything. Every time we talk about anything serious, I bring up Duncan. I never even asked if you-"
"No, don't do that, Alistair." I cut him off. "I didn't say anything because I wasn't ready. It's like...when I say it out loud, it's real, you know?"
"I know." He said, gently.
"I know you do."
We looked at each other in silence for what felt like hours but what couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes, and I felt as though we said more to each other with our silence than we had at any time before then. He raised his arms, awkwardly pulling me into a hug. It felt good, to be surrounded by strong arms, and I leaned into him, breathing deeply. We stayed that way for a while until, eventually, I pulled away, rising to my feet.
"Come on." I said, quietly, breaking the magic of the long silence. "We should go to bed."
He looked terrified for a moment, before understanding passed over his face and his shoulders sagged as he visibly relaxed.
"Oh. You do mean separately, right?" He confirmed.
"Jesus, Alistair!" I stared at him in disbelief, before bursting into incredulous laughter and turning on my heel to head back to camp.
He followed me, spluttering an apology. "I didn't mean...It's just that...It's not that I..."
I spun around to face him, cutting him off with a look.
"Let's just forget it. Please?" I raised my eyebrows, pleadingly. He looked like he wanted to argue but thought better of it, nodding. His face was scarlet for the second time that night. "Alright. Well...I'm going to bed now. Alone." He looked at me, nervously, and I smiled to let him know that I wasn't holding a grudge, before turning and striding quickly to my tent, desperate to be alone and away from the awkwardness.
I lay there, frowning in the darkness, trying to figure out what had just happened. How could he possibly have thought, even for a split second, that I was coming onto him? Let alone inviting him to spend the night with me? I mean...we had hugged, sure. But I hug my grandmother. I hug Larry. I hug...okay, not Morrigan, but that's because she has a problem with touching. And I don't particularly like her. I shook my head, pushing the thoughts away and making a mental note not to hug him again if he was going to be so sensitive about it. The last thing I wanted was for there to be any awkwardness or tension between us, imagined or not.
Eventually, I fell asleep, tossing and turning. That night I dreamt I was a giant cow-like creature, standing down by the river. Alistair put his arms around my neck in an awkward embrace before pulling back and screaming "I don't want to have sex with you, Qalaba!" In my shame, I walked straight into the river and let the current carry me away.
AN: I hope I didn't offend anyone too much with cutting out the rest of Lothering, but that place gets old after the first bazillion play throughs and I would have bored myself by writing it, which is never a good sign. I'm still on the hunt for a beta so if you're reading this and you want to bounce some ideas back and forth, drop me a message.
Thanks for reading, and thank you to Alistair279 for your kind words.
If you have a moment, I'd love to know what you thought, all feedback is welcome.