AN: I am very cranky and sleep-deprived, and this is the product of that.
A short while later, our companions returned to the town square, this time on horseback. Alistair's large, grey Orlesian Courser trotted up to us, leading a smaller Fereldan Forder whose lead he dropped into my waiting hands. Sten looked mildly uncomfortable astride a giant Clydesdale-esque steed and Leliana hopped down from her small, tan mare to guide Grayson's Courser over to him.
I greeted my horse, stroking his soft, silky neck and cooing quietly to him. I had always loved horses and, for the first time in a long time, I was glad I had been raised in a farming community where everyone and their mothers knew how to ride.
The others dismounted and Sten stayed with the horses while the rest of us gathered our things from the huts since he didn't have any belongings to speak of. Well, not that he knew of yet. Alistair, Grayson and I made quick work of packing our things. I changed back into my new armour, folding the dress neatly into my pack, deciding that even if we didn't run into a fight on the road, riding in a floor-length skirt was not something I was desperate to experience. I had given some thought as to how I should go about returning Sten's sword to him and, when we were alone in the hut, after Alistair had left, I turned to Grayson.
"I found something while you were away." I said, conspiratorially, and he raised his eyebrows, prompting me to continue. I dropped to my knees, reaching under the bed until my fingers rested on the smooth leather of the hilt. I rose to my feet, holding the sword out for him to take.
"Thank you, but it's not really my style."
"It's Sten's." I said, and realisation slowly dawned on his face, quickly followed by scepticism.
"This is Asala?" He asked, doubtfully.
"I'm pretty certain." I said.
"How did you...?"
"I have my contacts." I said, coyly. "Let's leave it at that. I've had my ear to the ground since he told us the story of how he lost it and my guy came through." The lying was almost effortless at this point, and if it wasn't necessary, I would be scaring myself. "Here's the thing, though. Sten already kinda likes me...obviously, I'm a fucking delight. I think you should give it to him...you know, score some points with the big guy."
"I don't think that would be right. You were the one who found it." He argued, and I rolled my eyes at his unfailing integrity. I was going to have to corrupt him just a little.
"We would probably have come across it eventually, I just...expedited the process. Seriously, you should give it to him. You need him to trust you since you're apparently going to be the one leading us. This is for the greater good." I assured him, doing my best to appeal to his altruistic side.
He thought about it for a moment, looking from me to the sword in his hands and back, before eventually nodding.
"Alright. You have a point." He agreed. "Contacts?" He asked, eyeing me curiously. I shrugged.
"What can I say? I'm a people person."
"Well, I have seen no evidence of that. But okay, if you say so."
He raised an eyebrow, but didn't press the matter as we gathered our things and headed back to join the others, except to tell me that the next time he was missing a sock, he knew who to come to for help.
I studied my horse, trying to figure out the best way to mount him with my injured ankle. Clearly the traditional method of hoisting myself up with one foot in the stirrup wouldn't work, as my injured leg wouldn't support my weight. I knew I would either have to ask for help or vault up, like I used to do when riding bareback, but I hadn't done that in years. I turned to ask Grayson, but realised he was standing a good distance away from the rest of the group with Sten, who was holding Asala and staring at my fellow Warden with a very satisfying expression of utter disbelief on his usually stoic face. Morrigan was nowhere to be seen, having shape-shifted into something or other, and Leliana was deep in conversation with Revered Mother Hanna, who had stepped outside to see us off. My eyes fell to Alistair who was watching me with his arms crossed and a highly amused expression on his face, clearly enjoying this outward display of my internal struggle.
"Having trouble?" He started to walk towards me, and the smug smirk on his face decided it for me. I grabbed the front of the saddle and kicked off the ground with my good leg, swinging my injured leg up and over and using the momentum to carry me into the saddle. I straightened myself up, and allowed myself a small smile of self-satisfaction.
Alistair stopped in his tracks and I looked down at him.
"Nope." I replied, shrugging. "All good here." Before he could answer, I stuck two fingers in my mouth and gave a short, sharp whistle. Within seconds, Larry appeared, bounding across the square. My horse nickered, nervously pawing the ground as he approached but I kept a firm grip on the reins and called for Larry to sit and stay.
"We're going on an adventure." I told him, and he wagged his tail, happily - whether because he understood what I was saying or just because of my tone of voice, I couldn't be sure, but I liked to think it was a little of both.
Before long, we were on the road, and Redcliffe was quickly disappearing from view behind us and, after a quick discussion of what had happened with Connor and the discovery that Loghain had been the one behind Eamon's poisoning, we soon fell into our familiar travelling habits of bickering, joking and singing. The others sang well-known Ferelden folk songs that I had never heard before and everyone was in good spirits. Swept up in the mood, I let loose with the first verse of my usual party piece, Rapper's Delight. I had dutifully memorised every word of the seven minute long rap song years ago, and it always went down well with my friends back home, so it burst out of me almost like a musical reflex.
"I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop and you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie, say up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat." I opened my mouth to continue when I realised that everyone was staring at me with their mouths open.
"What was that?" Grayson asked, looking alarmed.
"Uh...I...heard it somewhere?" I tried, shrugging. Leliana, Grayson and Alistair exchanged significant looks and I face-palmed, internally.
"I like it. Could you teach it to me?" Leliana asked, and I blinked at her, unsure if I'd heard her correctly.
"Yeah, I want to learn that." Alistair agreed, and Grayson nodded, enthusiastically. And that's the story of how I ended up teaching Ferelden Grey Wardens and an Orlesian bard how to rap. At one point I even thought I saw Sten mouthing the words to himself, but I was sure I had imagined that. We didn't get past the first line of the song, Alistair and Grayson kept messing up the words no matter how many times we went over it, and Leliana kept trying to vocalise, but we were all having so much fun that nobody cared much. The Sugarhill Gang: breaking down cultural barriers since 1980.
We made camp earlier than usual as the others hadn't slept since the day before and I had dozed only briefly in the tub. We secured the horses leads to nearby trees. According to Alistair, Master Dennet had assured him that they wouldn't stray far from us, but we didn't want to run the risk of them being spooked by something in the night and trampling us to death as we slept in our tents. Leliana and I gathered firewood while Grayson and Alistair erected the tents and Sten stomped around, brandishing Asala and bellowing in Qunari. I smiled, watching him.
"Boy, he's really into that sword." I muttered.
"When did Grayson find it?" Leliana asked, quizzically. "He never explained."
"Oh...uh...okay, don't tell Sten, but...I know a guy who can...find things." I was more careful with Leliana than I had been with Grayson. I knew that lying to the bard was dangerous territory at best. "He found me this morning while you were at the castle. It had been scavenged from the battle site by a merchant who then sold it to Dwyn, that dwarf who fought with us last night. It was just a lucky coincidence that we happened to be in Redcliffe at the time."
"Hmm." She mused, studying my face. I pretended not to notice and went back to gathering firewood. "That is a very lucky coincidence, indeed."
I resolved at that moment to be more careful in the future. One lucky coincidence I might get away with. I doubted she'd be very forgiving if I gave her any more reason to be suspicious. I thought about this for a moment and suddenly started to get angry. She was lying about her past too! And I even knew that, for a fact, and I wasn't being all judgemental about it. I figured she'd come out with the truth when she was ready. Shouldn't I be given the same benefit of the doubt?
I turned away from the bard to dump my armful of sticks into the firepit and yelped when I almost barrelled headlong into Morrigan, who had suddenly appeared out of thin air - maybe literally. I leapt backwards out of reflex and dropped the firewood, swearing loudly as I landed hard on my twisted ankle.
"What the fuck, Morrigan?" I yelled, blinking away the tears of pain that had sprang forth of their own volition. "Who does that? You don't just creep up on someone like that!"
"I..." She looked alarmed at my outburst, but her expression quickly morphed into one of cold indifference and this infuriated me beyond belief.
"Why don't you turn into a fucking bird or something and fly the fuck away?" I raged, hopping over to the logs we had gathered earlier which were serving as make-shift seats around the fire-pit, and collapsing onto one. I carefully unlaced my boot, easing it off my inflamed ankle with a restrained whimper. Alistair was by my side in a second, his eyes full of concern, and I felt Leliana's arm around my shoulders. My anger levels were still off the charts and I bit my lip before I yelled at them too, still in possession of enough self-awareness to know that screaming at people who had come to check on me was probably pretty high up on the list of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. "I'm fine." I said, snippily. "I just need the healing draught from my pack." I moved to stand up but both of them beat me to it, and I relaxed back into my seat again, holding my ankle in both hands.
Larry crept over to me with his head bowed submissively, eyeing me with a wary look after my outburst. I softened, instantly, feeling wretched to think that I'd frightened him.
"Hey, boy." I said, in the voice I reserve only for dogs and babies, and he instantly closed the distance between us and gave me a sloppy kiss, panting hot dog breath in my face. I wrinkled my nose but reached out to scratch his ear and he sat down with a thud, leaning into my hand. Alistair and Leliana returned, and Alistair handed me the vial of healing draught while Leliana knelt beside Larry, scratching his chin.
I thanked him, accepted the vial and downed it like it was a shot of tequila and instantly felt the pain in my ankle subside, along with the rest of my anger. I turned around to apologise to Morrigan for screaming at her, but she was gone. So too, I realised, was Grayson. So much for "like a sister", I thought.
After assuring them that I was no longer in pain, we set about getting the fire lit and Alistair started cooking. We chatted, amicably, while he ruined some of the food that Teagan and Isolde had given us and soon after, Grayson joined us.
We ate and chatted, and it took me a while to notice that Grayson wasn't making eye contact with me and was barely responding to anything that I said. I threw him a questioning look which he studiously ignored. I frowned, but I didn't want to cause a scene in front of the others by asking him what was wrong. I wondered if maybe all of the grief he'd been suppressing over the death of his family was finally rearing it's head, and decided that was the only explanation for his stoicism. After he finished eating, he didn't stick around for story-time, and instead excused himself quietly and wandered off into the surrounding woods. Kahn trotted after him, eliciting a whine from Larry. I watched him go, wondering if I should follow in case he needed to talk, but deciding that he probably wanted to be alone which would explain the fact that he'd walked away, you know, alone.
I turned back to Alistair and Leliana and saw that they were both regarding me with similar expressions of awkward pity.
"He'll be okay." I assured them. "He probably just needs some time to clear his head. We all deal with loss in our own ways."
"Oh...I don't think it's that." Leliana said, apologetically.
"What...well, what's the matter with him, then? He was fine earlier." I puzzled. They exchanged significant looks and I raised my eyebrows impatiently.
"He is angry that you raised your voice to the witch and told her to leave." Sten said, in a bored voice, still gazing at the sword in his hands. "That is what I heard the blonde one say to the red-haired female. I do not see what the issue is." I looked from Sten to the other two, who were still regarding me with that same pitiful expression on their faces.
"Thanks, Sten." Alistair muttered, reddening slightly.
"Is that true?" I asked, quietly, feeling some of my earlier anger return. It must have shown in my face because Alistair held up his hands in mock-surrender.
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger!" He exclaimed,defensively. "I didn't say I agree. I'm on your side in this, in case you hadn't noticed. He's just being...a thick...man." He concluded, lamely. I glowered, pushing myself unsteadily to my feet and limping off in the direction Grayson had been walking.
"I'll come with you." Alistair said, as both he and Leliana followed me. I turned to them, shaking my head.
"No, that's okay. I've got this one. I can handle thick men. I've been handling thick men my whole life." I muttered. The two exchanged an amused look and I rolled my eyes. "No, not like that!" I protested, but they continued to grin at me, infuriatingly. "Oh, shut up." I snapped, but without any real venom. I turned on my heel and limped away, reaching out a hand to Larry for support as he walked along at my heel. "Find Kahn." I told him. "Good boy. Take me to Grayson."
I was moving slowly and, as we got closer to them, I could tell Larry was growing impatient with my glacial pace, whining and huffing at me.
"I know, I know." I told him. "I'm sorry. Lauren's an invalid right now." I said, soothingly. He woofed and from a little way ahead of us came an answering bark.
"Is someone there?" Grayson called, and his eyes darkened when I came hobbling into view. "Oh. It's you."
"Expecting someone else?" I replied, coldly. "Like maybe Morrigan, perhaps?"
"You were out of line." He said, angrily. "You know she didn't mean to-"
"Yes, I know. She never means to, but somehow she always manages to." I replied, my intention of smoothing things over going straight out the window as soon as I heard him try to defend her.
"What are you talking about?" He asked, his voice still angry but with an undertone of confusion. I rolled my eyes.
"Okay, earlier? Yeah, I was out of line. I was already pissed off by something Leliana had said, and tired, and in immense pain so yeah, I may have overreacted just a touch. But Morrigan..." I trailed off, unable to find the words to express my feelings towards her.
"What? Morrigan what? She's done nothing but help us since she joined us, and you and Alistair treat her like she's some unwanted...thing that you have to put up with." He spat, throwing me a look of something closely resembling disgust.
"Don't lump me in with Alistair, my issue with Morrigan has nothing to do with him."
"Oh no? So you're saying you don't dislike her because Alistair doesn't think she can be trusted?" The way he said it told me that he'd already decided this was the case.
"That's exactly what I'm saying. Those two have their own problems, and I've taken nothing to do with them. They can bicker at each other like old women if they want to."
"So what exactly is your problem with her? Because it's not just tonight, Lauren, I've seen the way you look at her when you think nobody's watching."
"I blame her, okay?" The words burst out of me before I even realised I meant them. "I blame her for what happened at Ostagar. No, not the battle," I snapped, when he looked like he might argue. "For this! For...me! She was my guide through the Korcari Wilds. I trusted her. I was completely vulnerable, I was lost, I had no armour to speak of, no battle experience...against darkspawn." I corrected myself, quickly. "When we were ambushed, she could have taken them down with a word, with a thought, but she didn't. She disappeared. She left me, and I got tainted. And now, because of that, I'm a Grey Warden." My anger had dissipated now, and I felt tears sting my eyes as everything I had been holding back came tumbling out of me. "I am eighteen years old, Grayson. I haven't even begun to live my life yet. And now I know that, best case scenario? I'm dead before I'm fifty. That's, of course, excluding the very real possibility that just one of the thousands of darkspawn we're going to have to fight has just one good day. Or the Archdemon doesn't take a good bite out of me. Even if I somehow, miraculously survive this blight, you and I both know that this is a life-long gig. I'll never have a family. I'll never have a life of my own. I'll never find out who I might have become. And I know that this is selfish and I know that you're in this too, but I didn't have to be. I'm not supposed to be here, this wasn't supposed to be my life. And I'm terrified. Every day, I'm terrified and I'm lonely and I'm...hurt. And I blame her. I blame Morrigan because I trusted her, and she abandoned me when I needed her most. I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for that.
"So please, yell at me some more, tell me how much of a bitch I am for not jumping for joy at her presence, or for yelling at her when she causes me pain. I'm really sorry if I hurt her feelings." The tears were flowing freely now, and a sob ripped through my chest. He was staring at me, with an unreadable expression on his face. I shook my head, looking away and hastily wiping my face. "I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish this was as easy for me as it is for you and Alistair. But I'm not brave and I'm not selfless and I'm not noble. I'm just a girl. I don't want to die." My voice broke on the last word and before I could move his arms were around me, and I clung to him, forcing the tears back. We stayed like that for a few moments, in silence but for the sound of my sniffing.
"Ssshh. Don't cry." He whispered. "You'll rust my armour."
I laughed, in spite of myself, and pulled back to look up at him.
"I know it didn't sound like it just then, but I really am sorry if I hurt her feelings." I said, quietly. He nodded.
"I know, kitten." He said, softly, pulling me in again.
"Kitten?" I murmured into his breastplate. I felt him shrug.
"Yeah, I don't know. It just felt right. You're all meek and helpless and limpy, like a defenceless little kitten." He mocked, gently.
"Hey." I said, in a warning voice, and I could feel rather than see him grinning. I sighed. "I'm sorry for...you know, the soliloquy. I think that may be the most words I've ever said at one time."
"I think that may be the most words that anyone's ever said at one time. But don't be sorry. I'm glad you got that off your chest. Though you know I'm not the one who has to hear it, don't you?"
I groaned.
"I think I've yelled at Morrigan enough for one night." I said. "Maybe some other night, if she steps on my toes or something. Besides, I think it helped to just...say it out loud. My grandmother always used to say that talking about what hurts you gives the hurt life, and you have to breathe life to it otherwise it dies inside of you and rots there, leaving a stain that will never come out."
"Your grandmother sounds like a truly...terrifying woman." He said, in such a dead-pan voice that I couldn't help but laugh. "What gruesome imagery."
"She really was terrifying." I agreed, laughing at the absurdity of it all.
"It rots inside of you." He repeated, with an exaggerated shudder. "Although, I have to say, it sounds to me like she might have been on to something."
"Thank you." I said, quietly.
"For what?" He asked, stroking my hair.
"For this." I replied, closing my eyes and just enjoying the comfort of human contact. A noise from behind us made us both tense up and I broke out of his embrace, turning around to face the intruder.
"Oh!" Alistair breathed, looking from me to Grayson and back again. "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting something. We heard yelling. I just wanted to check that you...but I'll go. Sorry." He said again, blushing furiously. I cocked an eyebrow at him and Grayson waved him off.
"You're not interrupting anything. Could have used you about five minutes ago, though." He said, with a lazy grin. I raised my eyes to his face, sheepishly.
"Yeah." I turned to Alistair. "Angry Lauren is a bitch." I explained, with a small smile. I noticed that he didn't quite meet my eyes, and was already turning to leave.
"Yep. Okay. I'm going now." He said, shortly.
"Well, wait, we'll come with you." I said, and I started to limp towards him. Grayson threw my arm over his shoulder and held me up by my waist, helping me, and I threw him a grateful smile. We walked back to camp in silence and Alistair said a quick goodnight, before collapsing in his tent. I couldn't blame him. After the exertions of our battle the night before and what he must have gone through at the castle, plus half a day of riding...I was surprised he had still been standing at all. That's Grey Warden stamina for you. I noticed that Leliana and Sten had already retired to their tents and the fire was starting to die out. Kahn and Larry settled themselves at the entrance of our respective tents and I was just about to wish Grayson a goodnight when he jerked his head to where Morrigan had set up her camp, a good twenty feet from the rest of us. I followed his movement and saw that the witch was still awake, sitting cross-legged by her own camp-fire.
"Do you want to...?" He started, and I sighed, deeply.
"Yeah. I'll go and make nice." I grumbled, reluctantly.
"Goodnight, kitten." He said, with a slow smile as I rolled my eyes, praying that the nickname didn't stick.
"Goodnight, pup." I replied, in response. He gave me a strange look, kissed my forehead, and disappeared into his tent, leaving Morrigan and I alone. I hobbled over to her and she pretended not to notice my approach until I was standing right beside her. She rose to her feet and turned to me with that same look of indifference that had sparked my fury earlier.
"If you truly wish for me to leave, then I shall go. 'Twas not my idea to join you in the first place, as you'll recall." She said, icily.
"No, Morrigan. I don't want you to go. I was just angry." I said, injecting as much sincerity into my words as I could. "I'm sorry I lost my temper with you earlier. I shouldn't have done that."
"An apology?" She eyed me, suspiciously. "That is...most unexpected."
"Yeah, well...I am sorry. I'm just a little sensitive right now. You know, I'm injured, and that makes me cranky. Besides, Leliana was being...it doesn't matter. And I'm sorry for calling you a bitch."
"You did not." She said, confused. I shrugged.
"Not to your face." I replied, with an apologetic smile. "But I'm sorry for it, all the same. Do you accept my apology?"
"I suppose so...watching you struggle your way over here was retribution enough. I accept." She said, and we exchanged a wry smile. "Goodnight, then." She said, bluntly, turning her back on me, and I took that to mean the conversation was over.
It wasn't until later, as I was drifting off to sleep, that I realised why Grayson had looked at me so strangely when I had called him "pup". I had only meant it as a retort to "kitten" but as I fell asleep and my conscious brain grew quiet, I heard a conversation that had taken place in this world a thousand miles away.
"Go, pup. Warn your brother. And know that we love you both."
I buried my face into my pillow, feeling like the worst human alive. I didn't know then that, two tents over, Bryce Cousland's son was falling asleep with a smile on his face, feeling for the first time since losing his parents that he might not be so alone in the world, after all.
AN: So this chapter was very dialoguey (it's a real word, I swear) but it wasn't my fault, Lauren had some stuff she needed to get off her chest.
I tried to write the arguments as realistically as I could. I hate it when you're reading a fic and the main character just blows up at someone for some tiny or imagined offense because the writer thinks it'll make a dramatic scene but you're just shaking your head at the character like "Chill, fam, why you trippin'?" So I hope I managed to avoid that here.
If you think there's something I could be doing better, please let me know. And if you enjoyed it, please let me know. I guess what I'm saying is, please review! Sounding like a broken record here, I know. I'll try to update again as soon as I can.
And I'll leave you with this advice. No matter how cranky you're feeling, put on Rapper's Delight by The Sugarhill Gang and seven minutes and eight seconds later, you will no longer be cranky. It's science.