We were less than a day's ride from Haven when we came across a down-on-his-luck merchant in possession of a Golem's control rod. Grayson and Alistair seemed sceptical, especially when the man offered it to us free of charge, but I leapt at the opportunity.
I knew a little bit about Shale from the Dragon Age wiki, but I had never bought or played that DLC. I had no idea what to expect, and that scared and excited me in equal measure. Either way, I knew that since I was preparing to come face-to-face with a dragon - me, Lauren, with my one, fragile life, not my digital Warden, a game avatar with endless lives - having a Golem on our side should even the odds a little. Even so, I knew that taking the detour to Honnleath, which the merchant had told us was around a day's walk from where we were, would probably be a hard sell for the others.
We were only at the very base of the mountain, but the weather had already turned. The world here was cold and white and unforgiving, and everyone was beginning to feel the effects of the journey. We had to make camp earlier than usual, when the sky grew too dark and the snow too heavy to keep going. There was no shelter here, no river to bathe in, and very few trees to break the wind that battered our tents. Were it not for Morrigan's magic, I doubt we would have even been able to light a fire.
As it was, we huddled around the roaring flames for warmth, wrapped in our furs, yelling to be heard over the howling of the wind. It wasn't the ideal circumstances in which to put forward the idea that had been forming in my mind, but I didn't think I had much of a choice.
"We need to get that golem." I yelled, peering around at the half-covered faces of my companions.
"What?" Grayson yelled back. "The golem? But you heard that merchant, he said he didn't even know if the control rod still worked."
"I know. But I think it's worth the risk. We need all the help we can get." I replied.
"But we're so close to Haven!" Alistair said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and rubbing my arm, trying to warm me. "If we keep going, we could be there tomorrow. Honnleath is in the opposite direction."
"We should keep going." I agreed. "But there are seven of us. Someone could take the control rod to Honnleath and meet us in Haven with the golem."
"Split up?" Grayson frowned. "Is that wise?"
"I think so." I replied, shrugging.
"I will go, kadan." Sten's deep rumble was easily heard over the screaming winds, cutting off Grayson's reply. I smiled, nodding in appreciation. I turned to Leliana and Zevran.
"Would you go with him? I don't think you'll have any trouble...but I don't know." I said, honestly. I imagined it would just be a case of nipping down to Honnleath, waving the control rod in Shale's face and bada-bing, bada-boom, instant Golem companion. But for the first time, I was flying completely blind. I didn't want to risk sending Sten alone, even though my recent fight with him, still as fresh in my memory as the yellowed bruise on my cheekbone, told me that there were very few things that would stop the Qunari.
As for the resistance I knew we would meet in Haven, I was confident that three Grey Wardens, a powerful witch and two mabari would be enough to take on a bunch of religious nuts.
Leliana and Zevran exchanged doubtful looks, but agreed. I knew Leliana was more eager than anyone to reach the ashes. It meant more to her than it did to the rest of us - even to Alistair, who had as much faith as anyone, and who had personal reasons for wanting the Arl to recover. Leliana's faith in The Maker and in Andraste was something that even I, as a self-declared atheist, had come to respect and admire. Her fierce belief almost made me wish I believed in something. She wore it like armour.
I expected more push-back from Grayson, and even from Alistair, but I was met with grumbles of albeit reluctant acquiescence. Something had happened, after my fight with Sten. Something which I thought would fade with my bruises, but I had been wrong. The dynamic of our group had shifted in a much more lasting way, like tectonic plates. Where before, we all looked to Grayson to lead us, now I found that the others were looking to me, more and more.
I had tried to downplay it, to show deference to Grayson in front of the others whenever the opportunity arose, hoping that they would follow my example. For the most part, they did. They still treated him with the same respect as they had before and when he spoke, they listened. The shift was subtle, intangible, but it was still there, and this was another example that things just weren't quite the same as they were before.
I squirmed, uncomfortably, wrapping my furs tighter around my face. I didn't want the command. I had never wanted it. But right now, it served the needs of the many. Shale was supposed to come with us, and it couldn't have been a coincidence that we came across the merchant holding it's control rod the day before we reached Haven. I felt it in my gut that this was the right thing to do, and I knew that it was a decision that Grayson wouldn't have made.
We sat by the fire a little longer, but casual conversation was almost impossible and before long, Alistair and I were in our tent, huddled close, clinging to one another for warmth. He spooned me from behind, holding me tightly, murmuring softly into my hair as we tried to ward off the cold long enough to fall asleep. Larry lay across our feet like a furry blanket, snoring deeply.
As I lay there, shivering, I lost myself in thought. Alistair was humming gently. The melody was comforting and familiar, and I grinned when I recognised it.
"...and I see fire...blood in the breeze. And I hope that you'll remember me." He sang quietly into my ear, his warm breath tickling my skin pleasantly. "Will you sing it for me?"
"You know that song's about a remote mountain town being decimated by dragon-fire, right?" I smiled, wryly. "We're a little too close to the flame right now. Maybe after we kill the High Dragon I'll feel a bit better singing a song about burning. Right now, I wouldn't like to tempt fate."
"Hmm. Good point. Lately it hasn't needed a whole lot of tempting." He agreed, holding me tighter. Absentmindedly, I played with the pendant around my neck. "Do you like your amulet?"
I nodded, grinning. He had given it to me the day after we left Redcliffe. It was a bronze circle, with a howling wolf stamped into the metal. He said the man who sold it to him said it was supposed to ward off wolves. He doubted it really worked, but assured me that it definitely warded off Wolfies. I had worn it every day since, and I was finally free of the nightly torment that Wolfies had become. I had never loved an item of jewellery more.
"I can't believe you remembered that song." I said, smiling to myself.
"Are you kidding? I love it." He sighed, sleepily. "I can't believe we're so close to Haven. To the Urn of Sacred Ashes. Do you think they're really sacred? Are we really going to find the final resting place of Andraste herself?"
"You mean do I think the ashes have some kind of divine, holy power?" I asked, grinning. "No. I don't. They do have power, of that I am certain. I just don't believe it's divine."
"I always forget that you don't believe in the Maker." He replied, and I could hear it in his voice that he was frowning. "If the ashes do have the power to heal almost any ill...is it really so much of a stretch to call it divine power?"
"I don't know." I said, diplomatically. "I think there are a lot of things in the world that we don't understand. People have always looked to the skies for answers to the hard questions. I just don't think the answers are up there. But it's okay that you do." I added, quickly.
"Have you never believed?" He asked, curiously.
"No. I mean...maybe when I was little. I don't really remember."
"So...you never pray?"
"Never." I replied, quickly. I frowned at myself. "Well...no, that's not true. I've prayed twice in the last year. When I was in Howe's dungeons, I prayed that I would die. But I didn't. I saved myself. And then you came for me. The Maker had nothing to do with it."
"How do you know? How do you know that The Maker didn't guide us to you? We arrived just in time, just as you escaped the dungeons. Doesn't that seem a little like divine intervention?" He asked, thoughtfully.
"No, it seems like a coincidence. The Maker didn't bring you to Fort Drakon, Darryn did. And Darryn brought you there because he got stiffed out of his reward money. And he got stiffed out of his reward money because Howe is cheap and dishonest. But...look, let's not talk about this. I just don't believe, and that's okay. I don't want to question your faith, and I can't explain my lack of faith without sounding dismissive and condescending, and that's not how I feel."
"No, I know. I'm not offended. I'm genuinely curious." He replied, with a smile in his voice. "You said you prayed twice in the last year...what was the other time?"
I hesitated, chewing my lip.
"Lauren?" He prompted. I closed my eyes.
"When Emily died. I prayed when Emily died, for the first time since before I can remember. I prayed to God...to the Maker...that she wasn't gone. I prayed that I would see her again. I prayed to the Maker...and something else answered." I finished, in barely more than a whisper.
"Something else?" He asked, nervously. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know yet." I replied. "But whatever set me on this path, it wasn't holy, or divine, or benevolent. But it was powerful. And if power is all any being needs to be considered divine, then I don't believe it is worthy or deserving of worship. That's...that's just my personal opinion."
"Okay." He said, quietly. "I'm not trying to convert you, or anything. I just...find it curious. It can't have been easy growing up, being so openly faithless. Especially in Starkhaven. They're mad about the chantry."
I chuckled, shaking my head.
"It's never been much of a problem." I assured him. "I try not to shove my opinions down people's throats. That's the chantry's job."
"Well, when you're right, you're right." He grinned. "You don't have to believe in anything. You don't have to pray. But I pray for you. I hope that's okay."
"Yeah." I said, softly. "That's okay." I rolled over to face him. "I love you. I might not believe in a higher power. But I believe in you."
He looked taken-aback by this, but smiled, brilliantly.
"That means a lot, especially coming from you. Thank you. And when I say thank you, I mean I love you. Even if you are a heretic."
"I love it when you talk dirty to me." I grinned, and he chuckled, kissing me, before pulling me in closer, cradling my head against his chest.
I slept restlessly, waking multiple times throughout the night to the sound of the wind. One time, I heard a wolf howl, a little too close for comfort, and Larry stirred at my feet, growling. I lay in tense silence for a while, until the mabari eventually dropped his head back down and huffed, sleepily, and I knew that the pack had moved on. When Alistair shook me awake in the morning, it felt like I had only just closed my eyes.
The snow was still falling, but the wind had died down. I wandered a little away from our tent, leaving Alistair to pack up our things while I tried to shake off the sleep. The world around me was white and silent and still but for the gentle falling of delicate snowflakes, and I couldn't help but appreciate the quiet beauty of it, despite the cold biting at my cheeks. It felt like there might not be another soul in the world outside of our small group. It was a comforting thought.
Morrigan appeared at my hip in the form of a great, white wolf, and I unthinkingly placed a hand on her head, scratching her ear. She pulled her head away, with an indignant whine, and I caught myself.
"Sorry." I said, with a yawn. "I'm tired. And you're so fluffy."
She grumbled in response, and I could almost hear her sardonic reply in the wolf's growl. She turned and loped away from me, disappearing into the white.
I made my way around the camp, checking in on Leliana, Zevran and Sten. Leliana hugged me several times, and made me swear that we wouldn't push on to the Temple of Sacred Ashes without her. I assured her that there was nothing about the prospect of facing a High Dragon sans Qunari and Golem that even remotely appealed to me.
Zevran kissed my cheek and handed me a small pouch of notte improvvisa. A parting gift, he called it. I reminded him that he would be back in a couple of days and he shrugged.
"Just a gift, then." He grinned. "Remember, just a pinch will do if you find yourself in a...well, in a pinch."
I thanked him, before making my way over to where Sten stood, already packed up and ready to leave.
"Warden." He greeted me.
"You know where you're going?" I asked. He nodded. "You have the control rod?"
"Yes. I will not fail you, kadan." He said, inclining his head respectfully.
"I believe you." I said, as Alistair approached us. He had made a habit of showing up whenever I found myself in any kind of one-on-one conversation with Sten this past week, and it didn't take a great detective to figure out that he didn't want to leave me alone with the Qunari. I supposed that watching the giant almost remove my head multiple times had given him cause for concern, though I knew it was baseless. I was in no danger from Sten. Not anymore.
"You're ready to leave, then?" Alistair asked him, not bothering to mask the derision in his voice. Sten either didn't notice or didn't care. I suspected the latter.
"Yes. Before I go, I would like to offer an apology. My mind has been burdened these last weeks. Warden," He said, his eyes piercing into me.
I waved him off before he could continue, reluctant to give Alistair any more of a high horse than he already had.
"Nah, it's okay, Sten. I understand." I said, quickly. Alistair scoffed, shaking his head, but said nothing. "Your honour compelled you."
"Perhaps that is so, but still. I apologise. When you were taken captive in Denerim, I insisted we leave without you. I felt we were wasting time by searching for you. I was wrong."
I frowned in surprise. That wasn't what I was expecting. I looked from Sten to Alistair, who nodded in confirmation. I couldn't say this information shocked me. I had suspected as much, even while I lay bleeding in my dungeon cell.
"Go easy, Sten." I replied, with a good-natured grin. "Bring us back that golem, and all is forgiven."
"As you wish." Sten replied. I squeezed his elbow, as that was as close to his shoulder as I could reach, and Alistair and I made our way over to the horses to begin the process of removing their coverings and readying them for the ride ahead.
"Wow, I'm really glad he reached out about that." I muttered to Alistair as we walked.
"You are?" He quirked an eyebrow, looking somewhere between amused and annoyed.
"No." I admitted, with a shrug. "I didn't even know about it. But I will take his apology and apply it to...other things."
"Like trying to kill you."
"He didn't try to kill me." I said, dismissively. "I'm pretty sure if he really wanted to kill me, I'd be dead. But Qunari have their own ways. You should try to be a little more open-minded."
"Well, I would, but I'd be worried my brains might fall out." He replied. I shot him a look and he rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'll try not to give him such a hard time. I just can't stop seeing it in my head. You, lying there, coughing up blood, and him standing over you, ready to bring his sword down and take you from me...it's not an easy thing to forget."
"I know." I said, softly.
"The worst part was there was nothing I could do. I tried. With Grayson and Zevran holding me back, all I could do was watch...I swear, if you hadn't pulled it out of the bag at the last second, if I had lost you like that...I don't know what I would have done."
"You didn't lose me." I reminded him. "And we all have to work together. We have enough enemies out there. We have to trust each other."
"Trust the Qunari?" He replied, wrinkling his nose. "About as far as I could throw him...which probably wouldn't be very far."
"I'm not asking you to trust Sten." I said, stopping in front of my little grey mare and unbuckling the strap on her winter cover. "I'm asking you to trust me."
"I do." He said, quickly.
"Good." I replied. "Then trust me when I say that we have nothing to fear from Sten. He is loyal. Just not in a way that you or I are used to."
"I'll never understand the Qunari." He said, shaking his head as he tended to his own horse. "Their whole honour system is just so...convoluted."
I responded with a noncommittal grunt, too tired to get into a philosophical discussion so early in the morning. I focused on the work at hand, and a short while later everyone was mounted and ready to go.
We rode together for a time, until we came to a fork in the road where we said our goodbyes, and Sten, Zevran and Leliana left to travel South. I sent Larry with them, reaching into my saddlebag and tossing him a strip of dried beef when he whined in protest. I missed him as soon as he was gone, but I knew he would be okay with Sten.
As we pressed on, further up the mountain, the air grew colder but the snowfall was lighter.
"This feels strange." Grayson said. "Now that it's only the four of us."
"It wasn't so long ago that it was just the four of us." I replied. "But it feels like a lifetime ago. Ostagar...the Wilds...it's all just a distant memory now."
"So much has happened since." Alistair agreed. "But I'll never forget that moment. Waking up in Flemeth's hut, looking round and seeing you both, unconscious and bloody. Finding out the battle had been lost...along with Duncan...the Grey Wardens...Cailan…so much loss. I was certain you were both dead, when I saw you. I've thanked the Maker many times that I was wrong."
"You should have thanked Flemeth." I said, with a wry smile. He shot me an unamused look, and I grinned, shaking my head. "I know what you mean. I don't know how I would do any of this without you. Either of you."
"I was just thinking the same thing." Grayson replied. "I can hardly remember a time when you weren't in my life. I feel like I've always known you."
"You too, Morrigan!" I called to the wolf who was trotting ahead of us. She gave no indication that she had heard, but I knew she was listening.
"Speak for yourself." Alistair muttered, eyeing the witch with contempt. "But yes. I'm glad that we're in this together. I couldn't ask for better friends."
We rode for hours, and I was so cold that I didn't even feel it anymore, but conversation was surprisingly light and easy, given what we all knew we were heading towards. Of course, I was the only one who knew that we would have a town full of crazy cultists to deal with upon arrival, but I couldn't risk saying anything to the others, just in case having foreknowledge of the events had some significant effect on how they would deal with them. I didn't see how it could, but I no longer trusted my own judgement with what was harmless information and what wasn't.
The sun had already begun its descent behind the western summit of the mountain when Morrigan, whose white fur had made her almost invisible, suddenly appeared in human form, several yards ahead of us.
"We are close." She called to us. "I caught the scent of other humans, just up ahead."
"Right. Very creepy." Alistair muttered so that only I could hear. I urged my horse ahead to where Morrigan stood and gestured for her to climb on.
"It's probably best that you stay you, for now." I reasoned, as she mounted the mare effortlessly, despite the heavy furs she wore. "Nothing says "please attack us immediately" like a massive wolf."
"Is the alternative small-talk with mountain-folk?" She asked. "If the alternative is small-talk with mountain-folk, I say attack first, ask questions never."
"I like your gumption." I grinned. "But probably best to see what we're dealing with first."
"You do not know?" She asked, glancing behind us at Grayson to make sure he wasn't close enough to hear.
"Well...I can't be sure. Not everything that I see plays out exactly as I've seen it." I replied, honestly.
As memory served, there were a handful of cultists in the village, and a handful more in the chantry, but that was in the game. In reality, there had been far more people in Ostagar, Redcliffe and Denerim than I had been led to believe, not to mention the difference in the layouts of each location. I had no idea if we were facing twenty poorly-trained nutjobs or two hundred.
"Wonderful." Morrigan said, with mock-sweetness. "That's very helpful."
We rounded a corner and I inhaled, sharply, when I recognised the gates. This wasn't the Haven from the first game...but it was a Haven I knew far better. This was the Haven of Inquisition...the Haven I could have navigated blind-folded. I slowed my horse to allow Grayson and Alistair to catch up with me and we approached the gates together.
There was no guard stationed there.
I guess he was just an exposition device. Much more need for one of those in a game than in real life. I mused, as we crossed the threshold into the village.
I brought my horse to a gentle stop as I looked around, taking everything in. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach.
The village was bustling with life. The atmosphere was peaceful, civilised. A few people flashed us curious looks, but that wasn't so unusual, given the expensive armour we wore and the fact that they obviously didn't have many people passing through. A group of small children ran past, hollering and giggling, pointing at the horses in excitement.
"Is something wrong?" Morrigan whispered in my ear.
"This is all wrong." I muttered, shaking my head.
On my left, the door to one of the houses opened and a middle-aged man emerged, approaching us with a wary but friendly smile.
"Greetings, travellers. Welcome to Haven. You look like you've been riding for a long time. I can show you to the inn if you're looking for something to eat and a room for the night."
"Thank you, friend." Grayson replied, politely. "A warm meal would be most welcome after our journey."
He dismounted, shaking the man's hand in greeting, and Alistair followed suit. When I remained seated, frowning down at them, Alistair shot me a puzzled look and I quickly rearranged my face into what I hoped was an easy smile and hopped out of the saddle, offering a hand to help Morrigan. She ignored it, dropping to the ground with cat-like grace, but I barely noticed. A painful knot was forming in my stomach, and I was struggling to hide my unease, but I was at a loss for what to do about it. I had expected to be met with open hostility and suspicion, but the man seemed genuinely helpful.
He led us to the inn, stopping on the way to stable our horses, and I followed a few steps behind everyone else, scanning my surroundings for anything suspicious or even remotely unusual and finding nothing. So far, at least, it really did just seem like a normal village.
But I knew that it wasn't. I knew that these people were part of an insane cult. I knew that they practised human sacrifice. But if they wanted to pretend otherwise, I was going to have to be smarter than I had anticipated. Unless they weren't pretending. It wouldn't have been the first time that the game got it wrong. Maybe this was Goldanna all over again. Maybe it was just a quiet little mountain town. I couldn't risk just calling their bluff by attacking. Not only because we were we outnumbered significantly, but also because there was a chance I was wrong.
This wasn't going to be a hack-and-slash, like it was in the game. This would require a more delicate hand.
And two of my most delicate hands were on their way to Honnleath. I couldn't count on Alistair and Grayson to operate covertly, they were much too gallant and proud. They were warriors, not spies. I glanced at Morrigan, who was watching me curiously. I was going to need her help if I wanted to find out what was really going on here.
AN: A huge thank you to Kira Tamarion, my beta reader and author of 13 Years. If you're an Alistair fan, check it out! Link in my favourites list.
And thank you to you guys for reading and subbing and reviewing. It warms the cockles of my heart. So we have some changes ahead but I've already started working on the next chapter and I'm excited about where we're going!
Reviews are optional, but very much appreciated.
Chimera Spyke: I did think about having Valour take a back-seat in the fight, and certainly Lauren's "battle-brain" was quieter than usual, but I don't think Valour can ever truly separate itself from Lauren. Just going from what Anders says about how there's no line separating him from Justice because they're one and the same. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts though, there's certainly room for philosophical debate in this ill-explored area of spirit guides. And I hope the beginnings of the ramifications of Lauren's fight with Sten in this chapter were to your liking.
MouseOnTheKeys: You didn't miss anything! Aha, I slipped that in there at the beginning and I have plans for it. I love that you picked up on that and it stayed with you. I thought I got one over on everyone. And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you observant readers! Haha. Also, a one-shot in different characters' perspectives is a fantastic idea, I hadn't considered that before. Thank you!
Kimberly: It's always better when you can binge something! Sometimes when I'm writing I like to go back and read the last few chapters, just to make sure I don't have any problems with tone inconsistency. I'm glad that you feel like the characters are true to form. There such well-written, complex and unique characters in the game that they really do take on a life of their own, don't they? And I'm glad you're enjoying Lauren. I always wonder if people hear her talking in a Scottish accent, or if you read her lines in your own voice in your head? Because I read her in mine but I am Scottish so that just makes sense. I'd love to know how you read her.
I would now like to apologise in advance to the rest of you because it's about to get real petty up in here for a minute. I would have responded to this individual privately but as they don't have an account or are not logged in, I'm responding here.
To the guest reviewer who is annoyed by all of the "female self-inserts" and thinks it would be much better if we wrote for a male character: You've signed your review as tch, but I don't know if those are your initials or if it's just the sound you made when you saw yet another female protagonist.
I could argue that if you can suspend disbelief enough to be totally fine with dragons, werewolves and witches, but somehow not fine with women being more or less equal to men in Thedas, it's a little bit strange. But I won't. Because I'm not here to argue.
All I will say is that your issue seems to be with Dragon Age lore, rather than with the fanfiction authors you say "just don't seem to get" that women didn't really have any power. Does sexism still exist in Thedas? Of course, it does. But to say that women don't have any power is to erase the existence of about 70% of the characters. There are lots of powerful women in Dragon Age.
Furthermore, I resent the implication that just because any group is oppressed it means they can't be interesting, complex and compelling characters whose stories are worth telling.
That being said, if you don't like reading female protagonists...don't? To end on a positive note, if you're looking for a good modern-man-in-Thedas fic, check out Wyolake's Middle of Nowhere. You'll find it in my favourite's list. Happy readng.