"Alistair...I have to tell you something."
His breathing, still laboured from our exertions, hitched in his throat and I looked up to see an apprehensive frown crease his brow.
"What's wrong?" He asked, nervously.
"Do you remember in Redcliffe...that fight that we had?"
"I'd rather not." He winced. "Neither of us were at our best that morning. Why? What's this about?" He asked, warily.
"So...so you remember when I said that I was keeping you in the dark about a lot of things? And then you said that you'd rather be in the dark with me than anywhere else without me?"
"I said that?" He asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.
"Yes, you did." I assured him.
"Ooh, that's good." He grinned to himself. "Leliana would be proud. She's been needling me for weeks about how I should be more open with you about my feelings and how Fereldan men aren't romantic. You should tell her I said that."
"Not the point." I said, gently. "The point is...that I think I'm ready for you to not be in the dark."
"Oo-kay?" His tone was casual, playful, but I felt his body grow tense under mine.
"I think I'm ready." I repeated, trying to psych myself up. "I don't really know how to say this." I admitted, taking a deep breath and pushing myself into a sitting position. "I'm so nervous about how you're going to react. I'm worried that it might hurt you or...something."
"Lauren...if this is about Cullen…" He started, and I opened my mouth to shush him, but he spoke over me. "If it is, you don't have to tell me. I'd rather not know."
"Alistair!" I scolded, gathering the bedsheet to my chest and sliding out of bed, mortified and confused at the unexpected turn the conversation had taken. "Again with the Cullen stuff? I thought we'd been over that already."
"So did I." He replied, in a stern voice. "But what else am I supposed to think when you tell me that you've been keeping something potentially hurtful from me? And going back to our conversation that morning...Cullen was my first instinct."
"Well, I'm going to have to ask you to curb those instincts, young man." I said, as I yanked my dress over my head and threw his trousers at him. "Now come on. Get dressed, and then just sit down and...we can talk."
He did as he was told without protest, maybe because my use of "young man" reminded him so much of Wynne that he couldn't argue, and he settled down beside me on the edge of the bed.
"Hey." I started, softly. "I love you. You know that, right?"
"Lauren." He groaned. "You're really scaring me. Please just tell me. You're giving me a stomach ache. Please."
"Alright." I agreed, taking a deep breath. My heart was hammering in my chest and my mind was racing. "Okay. I'm just going to go slowly. If you have any questions, I'll answer them as well as I can."
"Okay…?" He sounded annoyed, but I knew he was just nervous.
"So...so you know that I'm a bit...odd, right?" I asked, testing the waters. He rolled his eyes skyward, apparently thinking how best to answer that question without getting into trouble. "It's not a trap." I promised, with a small smile.
"Oh! Well, in that case...yee-ess? I suppose? Not that I would ever describe you as odd, really. But you are...quite unlike anyone I've ever known." He purred, with a lop-sided grin. "I mean that as a compliment, you know."
"I know you do." I said, sadly. "But the thing is...well, you know that I'm different. You know there are things about me that I just haven't explained. You've never pushed me to explain, you've just...trusted me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, how much easier it's been, knowing that you believe in me."
"Well, it's not like you haven't earned that trust."
"I hope that I have." I shifted to face him and reached out to take his hands in mine. "Or...at least I hope that I can. Starting today. Because...while it has been easier in some ways...in others, I almost wish you had been more like Grayson. Held me at knife point and demanded I tell you the truth."
"Grayson did what?" He snapped, and I flinched away from him instinctively at the rage in his eyes.
"No, he didn't actually pull a knife on me, Alistair...it was a figure of speech!" I explained, and he visibly relaxed, before throwing me a lop-sided smile.
"Oh. Well that makes much more sense. I was worried for a moment that I was going to have to-"
"Going to have to what?" I cut him off, raising an amused eyebrow. "Kick his ass?"
"Kick...many parts of him, probably. But anyway...you were saying?"
"Right...so...all I mean is that the guilt of hiding this part of my life from you has been eating me alive. I want to tell you everything. I don't want there to be any secrets between us. I'm not supposed to talk about this but I'm just...I'm over it. I'm over keeping things from you and I'm over feeling shitty about something that was never my choice to begin with."
"You can tell me anything." He breathed, squeezing my hands reassuringly. "Anything at all. No matter what happens out there...in here, with me, you're safe. I promise. No matter how big your problems are, you tell me, and we'll figure them out together. Okay?"
"I really...really love you." I whispered, and he smiled down at me. "And I know that you think you love me. But I've not been entirely honest with you about who I am."
"Let me guess: you're Empress Celene's secret love child, here to seduce the last of Calenhad's line and form your own empire, spanning all of Ferelden and Orlais?" He replied, without hesitation. "No? Or...you're a viddathari agent of the Ben-Hassrath, here to glean top Grey Warden secrets and you and Sten are working together?"
"What?" I asked, confused. "What in the name of Andraste's lacy knickers are you talking about?"
"Leliana has a vivid imagination." He shrugged. "Andraste's lacy knickers...I'm going to use that…"
"Leliana?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. This was the second time he had brought up the bard, and an ugly insecurity reared it's little head inside of me, before I reminded myself that I was the one who was keeping secrets, not Alistair.
"Well, it's like you said...you're something of an enigma. Trading theories about who you really are has been a great source of entertainment among our travelling companions."
"I...really?" I asked, suddenly feeling defensive. I mean, of course I had suspected that some of the others, Leliana especially, had some doubts about me. I would have been surprised if they didn't. I just never imagined they would turn it into a game. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
"Yes. Now, come on, don't keep me in suspense." He grinned, and I shook my head at him in bewilderment.
"How are you so calm about this?" I asked, almost annoyed. "I've been lying to you. To everyone. I thought you would have been...I don't know...angry? Or...something! Not this. This isn't a joke, Alistair."
"Lauren, I've known from the moment I met you that there was something different about you. And you made it clear fairly early on that there were things about you that were either going to remain a mystery...or that I would be lucky enough to one day discover about you. That is the deal I signed up for. You warned me that it might hurt me one day and I made the decision not to care." He explained, his grin widening as he observed the look of awe on my face. "If that is the price I have to pay for being with you? No price is too high. Now will you please just come out with it! What is this big mystery?"
"I…" I trailed off, biting my lip. I what? I'm from another world? What the hell was I thinking? I can't just come out and say something like that to someone. I suddenly regretted my rash, post-coitus impulse to confess."I...oh, man. This is even harder than I thought it would be."
I rose to my feet and started to pace, slowly, painfully aware of his gaze on me as I did.
"Sorry...I'm not trying to be the absolute fucking worst right now." I assured him. "I'm just having some trouble with...well, I have no idea how to explain it. And not because I'm trying to protect myself, or anything. Just because...well, because it's complicated and weird and...sort of impossible."
"Take your time." He said, softly, and I marvelled, not for the first time, at the man's patience. I needed patience, and time to think before I spoke, because when I was rushed, I tended to lie. Despite my worries, I couldn't bring myself to truly regret my decision to be honest with him. I didn't want that life anymore. I didn't want to keep holding my breath.
"Okay...okay…" I took a deep breath, and nodded to myself. "I'm going to tell you a story first. I think that will be the best way."
"Go ahead." He said, with a nod of encouragement.
"Right." I stopped pacing and turned to face him. "What if I told you that there are other worlds, outside of Thedas? They don't know about us and we don't know about them. You can't see them, you can't go there, they just...are."
"Well...this took a turn I wasn't expecting. I...suppose that would be possible." He said, sceptically. "There are plenty of things in this world that I don't understand...I can believe there are other worlds outside of my own knowledge, sure."
"Okay, good. Now, say that all of these places are connected, somehow. But separate. Like maybe...they're all pressed up against each other, like…" I was scrambling through my explanation, making things up as I went, and I looked around for inspiration, before slapping the wall behind me. "Like rooms in a house. Our room is connected to the one next to it, but if we had lived in this room all our lives, if this room was all that we'd ever known, who's to say there is or isn't another room on the other side of that wall?"
"Okay, I think I see where you're going with this." He said, slowly. "Like rooms of a house, but...bigger. World-sized."
"Yeah. Yeah, I think so." I replied, glad that he understood. "That's the way I see it, anyway. That's how it makes sense to me."
"And what does all of this have to do with you?" He asked, frowning in confusion.
"I'm getting to that part." I assured him. "Okay, so you've got your rooms, separate but connected...and one day, you're in your room, just minding your own business, when suddenly the wall opens up and swallows you, and spits you out...on the other side."
"You're from another room." He guessed, in barely more than a whisper. "Another...world?"
"I'm from another world." I admitted, apologetically, trying to gauge his reaction, but emotions were flickering across his face so quickly that it was impossible to keep track. I hadn't expected him to catch on to the analogy quite so quickly. "The important thing that I need you to know is that this doesn't change anything. Not to me. This might not be the world I was born in, but it's the one I live in now. There's a very good chance that it will be the world I'll die in. And a better than good chance it will be the world I'll die for. It almost has been several times already. So this is my world. It just...isn't my first, that's all." I shrugged in what I hoped was a nonchalant way.
He was hunched over, staring at the floor and running his hands through his hair. I couldn't see his face, and as the silence stretched on, the knot in my stomach pulled tighter and tighter until I realised that I had quite forgotten to breathe.
"Please say something." I pleaded, in a small voice. "I'm feeling pretty vulnerable out here on this ledge."
Without looking up, he reached out a hand, beckoning me towards him, and I took it, allowing him to pull me in closer. I stroked his hair, gently, desperately wishing I could look into his eyes and see his thoughts, but his head was still bowed.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I know this is a lot to take in."
Eventually, he shifted his position, and raised his head to look me in the eye.
"Lauren, I...won't pretend that this isn't the most insane thing I've ever heard. I'm going to be honest, this was not what I was expecting. To say the least." He said, with an incredulous laugh. "Now even some of Zevran's theories don't seem so wild."
"Let me guess. All of them were extremely dirty?"
"Absolute filth." He confirmed, scratching the back of his neck absently. "Ah. I mean, in some ways, it makes sense. As ridiculous as that feels to even say. But in other ways...it just leaves me with more questions. If anyone else told me what you just did, I would have laughed in their face. But you...it just...it explains so much. And not enough."
"Are you mad at me?" I asked, softly, trying not to sound as scared as I felt. I didn't want to guilt him into lying to spare my feelings. "I would understand if you...need some time."
"Mad at you?" He asked, and there it was again, where it might have been this whole time, but I had just been too prepared for the worst case scenario to notice: that look in his eyes was one of pure adoration. "You travelled across worlds for me to find you. My impossible girl."
"I love you so much." I gasped, as tears of relief rolled down my cheeks. "You're more than I deserve."
"Rubbish." He growled, pulling me closer and kissing me deeply. "I love you too. I'm only sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me sooner."
"It's been hard." I admitted. "It's the only reason I didn't throw myself at you that day in the library. I didn't think it was fair, letting you love me when there was this huge thing about me that you didn't know. I really meant to put an end to things, before they could begin. But then I couldn't help myself. At first, I worried that I wouldn't know how to love you with my whole being. But now...I don't know how to not."
"Hey." He murmured softly, wiping my tears away. "Lauren, you could never have stopped me from loving you. That was never your choice. I'm only sorry for your sake. As someone who also carried a secret for most of his life that was never his choice...I know how lonely that can feel."
"Of course you would understand." I chuckled, rolling my eyes. "I mean...being a secret prince isn't quite the same as being an Outlander, but still."
"Outlander?" He asked, his mouth twitching in a tiny smirk. "Is that what you are?"
"It's a reference to...to a thing that someone back home might get." I grinned back at him. "I do that all the time. It's so hard to stop."
"I just thought you talked nonsense sometimes." He teased, affectionately. "It's good to know there are layers to your nonsense."
"That's me. Layered nonsense." I kissed him again, gratefully. "Thank you for loving me. Even the parts that are hard to love."
"Oh, will you stop?" He laughed, rising to his feet and grabbing me around the waist, lifting me off the ground so suddenly that I yelped in surprise, wrapping my legs around his waist and grabbing his shoulders for support. "Don't make me sing that dreadful song to you again. Loving you is not hard, woman. Even if you are a...what was it? An Outsider?"
"Outlander." I laughed. "But sure. We can go with Outsider too."
He laid me down, gently, on the bed, kissing me sweetly, shifting his weight and pulling me on top of him. I pulled away, gently, knowing that if I didn't, we would be doing a whole lot of not-talking, and I wasn't quite done yet.
"Wait." I breathed, as he nuzzled my neck. "There's more."
He ceased his ministrations with a soft sigh, laying his head back to look up at me.
"More?" He asked, with a small smirk that silently asked me how there could possibly be more.
"Mmm. I'm just not sure how or if I can tell you the rest of it yet. Or ever. I just need you to know that there's more."
"Can you give me a clue?" He asked, hopefully.
"It's about the whole...knowing the future stuff. And...all of this has something do with Emily. They're two separate issues, but they're-"
"Separate but connected." He finished my thought for me. "Yes, that's been something of a theme today, hasn't it? Well...I'd hope that you know now that you really can tell me anything."
"I know. I do." I assured him. "It's just that I'm not sure how to tell you about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to fall down it with me."
"What if I want to fall?"
"You can't." I whispered, with a sad smile. "You're too important. To me. To the wardens. To the world. I'll keep trying not to set the world on fire with the things that I know. I just need you to know that there's more to the story. It would feel too much like lying not to tell you that much, at least."
I could have probably found a way to explain without hurting the world, and I knew that even as I was telling him otherwise. But he had just found out there were other worlds, and the woman he loved was from one of them. I didn't have the first clue how to explain technology and video games and whatever weird cross-dimensional chatter that had given me the insight that I possessed into his world. I was beyond fortunate to have someone who loved me so completely that even an earth-shattering revelation like "I'm from Mars!" didn't shake his faith in me. I didn't have it in me to risk hurting him with more information that he didn't need to know.
"You know, it's weird?" He mused, thoughtfully. "This whole thing is crazy. And while I am a bit shocked, I'm not entirely...surprised? Does that make sense?"
"As much sense as any of this makes." I assured him. "I did tell you before, you know."
"Tell me what? When?" He asked, squinting at me in confusion.
"That night in Redcliffe, when I was out-of-my-mind drunk. The night that you had to help me out of my corset…" His ears blushed pleasantly at the memory. "I told you I was from another world."
"You did." He gasped, shaking his head in disbelief. "Several times, if I remember correctly. I thought you were just drunk!"
"Oh, I was very drunk." I nodded. "What is it that they say? A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?"
"Oh, they say that do they?" He asked, with an amused grin. "I haven't heard that expression before. I shall have to remember it."
"Oh, I'm sorry, am I just casually bringing some other-worldly wisdom to the table?" I asked, grinning down at him. I let my grin fade as I studied his face. "You're sure you're really okay with this?"
"Hmm." He said, forcing his face into a serious expression. "I'm not sure. If I pretend to be upset with you, will you bend over backwards to make it up to me?"
"I could try." I replied, flashing him a wicked smile. "I am pretty flexible. But...you said you had questions?"
"Later." He growled, pulling me down to capture my lips, grinding his hips into mine as he searched for the hem of my dress with one hand while his other snaked up my waist to grope my breasts through my clothes, and I looped my fingers into the waistband of his trousers. A crash from downstairs made us both jump, and we pulled apart momentarily, listening, but only silence followed, and we resumed our frantic kissing and pawing at one another.
Seconds later, another crash rang out, followed by another, and then another.
"What fresh hell…?" I started, twisting around to look at the door. "Oh, shit. Grayson and Morrigan."
I guessed that we had finally outworn our welcome. War had come to Haven.
AN: So, I hate this chapter? But it's done, so here you go. I've had this plan in my head from when I first decided to write this story, that Alistair would find out about Lauren by reading her diary, and it was going to be this big dramatic fight and there was going to be a lot of angst and crying and will-they-won't-they ge back together. But I just feel that as their relationship has naturally progressed, when I was trying to write that scene it just felt like I was forcing a confrontation between them for the sake of the story, and it didn't feel character-driven. So this is where that took me. I hope nobody's too mad, and there will be plenty of angst and confrontation ahead, naturally. This just didn't feel like one to me. Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading and thanks Mihoshi 2.0 and Judy for your reviews on the last chapter.