I woke early, to the sound of chirping birds and the sight of his beautiful eyes, hooded with exhaustion, but focused intently on my face.

"You're awake." He breathed, cupping my face and stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"Mmm." I moaned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and shifted closer to him. "You haven't slept?"

He shook his head, his eyes roaming carelessly over my face and neck.

"I was afraid that if I closed my eyes, you wouldn't be here when I opened them."

I frowned, looking away from him, hating myself for what I had done to him.

"I get it." I said, softly. "But you should get some rest. It's still early."

"I don't think I can sleep."

"Would you like me to ask Wynne for a sleeping draught?"

"No." He said, quickly. "I think I just need to be with you a little longer. I need to see you in the sunlight. I need to see the wind in your hair. I need to watch you eat. I need...I need you to be real."

"I am real." I shook my head. "I thought...last night…"

"Last night felt anything but real."

"Oh." I said, a little wounded. "Was it...was it me? Was I not…?"

"No. No. It's not that it wasn't...oh, I'm saying this all wrong."

"It's okay." I assured him. "It's just me. Tell me what you're thinking. I did this to you. I want to make it right. I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever you need."

"I should be saying those things to you." He said, shaking his head. "I haven't even asked you if you're okay. I haven't even asked you how you got here."

"Well, we didn't do a lot of talking last night."

"I know." He frowned. "Maybe we should have. We have a lot to talk about. Are you? Okay?"

"Let's start with the easier question." I grimaced.

"How did you get here?"

"Flemeth." I said, watching for his reaction. He nodded, slowly, but didn't look very surprised. "She said that the first time we met, she took a piece of me. She performed some kind of ritual...blood magic, no doubt. When I woke up, I didn't remember anything."

"You didn't remember…?"

"No. I didn't remember anything from my time in this world. All of my memories were from before my first meeting with Flemeth, when she first took a part of me. She helped me to get the rest of my memories back. You were the first thing I remembered."

He looked away from me, and I could see his jaw clenching.

"Maybe...maybe it would have been better for you if you hadn't regained your memories."

"Hey." I said, gently. "Don't say that. If I could only have one memory for the rest of my life, it would be of you."

"And I you." He said, with a sad smile. "But...are you okay?"

"I'm always okay." I lied, forcing a smile. "Are you?"

"I'm okay. Now that you're here, I'm okay. I am...ashamed. I'm ashamed for the way I fell apart. I thought, after Duncan...I grieve for him still, but his death never stopped me from doing my duty. Losing you was...nothing could have prepared me for the pain of that. I tried to hold it together, for Grayson, for the others. I tried to honour your memory but even thinking of you that way...as a memory...I couldn't find the strength."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of." I insisted. "Nobody thinks any less of you. The fact that you made it through the Temple, made it back here...I'm not sure I could have, if the roles were reversed. I can't even think about it. I don't want to think about it."

"Then let's not." He said, with a strained smile that never quite reached his eyes. "You must be hungry."

"I could wait for another...oh, hour or so." I said, tracing my fingers over his collarbone suggestively. He shook his head, apologetically.

"I can't." He said, refusing to meet my eyes. "I'm too tired. I don't think I have the strength."

"Oh. Of course. Sorry. You must be exhausted." I said, feeling my face burn with the shame of rejection. "I can bring you breakfast in bed, if you like?"

"No, we should get dressed. I'm sure the others will probably be awake. I shouldn't keep you to myself." He rolled away from me, grabbing his tunic from the night-table and pulling it over his head. "They missed you too."

"Right." I said, trying to keep my tone light and ignore the ache that had started to form in my chest. I scolded myself for feeling so needy and insecure about his lack of physical reassurance. He had been through a lot, I reminded myself. I would be patient. I would wait for him to heal, as he had waited for me. Everything would be fine.

We got dressed and made our way down to the dining hall to find our friends already eating. Grayson leapt from his seat and rushed towards me, gathering me up in his arms.

"You're still here." He said, groaning in relief. "When I woke this morning, I was so sure I had dreamt it."

Leliana was behind him, and she greeted me with an equally enthusiastic hug, taking my hands in hers when she pulled away to look at me.

"You truly are a miracle." She brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, beaming at me. "My beautiful friend."

"I'm really here." I grinned, as we settled in around the table. "It's not a trick. Morning, Morrigan. Zev. Wynne. Did you sleep well?"

"Sleep!" Morrigan scoffed. "How exactly does one sleep under such circumstances?"

"I slept okay." I replied, grabbing a strip of crispy bacon from a platter in the middle of the table. I sighed down at it, with a smile. "I haven't eaten anything since I came back. I hope this doesn't play havoc with my digestive system."

"I have heard that death can give you a bit of a funny tummy." Zevran grinned, and I bit the bacon in half, melting in pleasure at the salty goodness.

"You haven't eaten at all?" Grayson asked, raising his eyebrows. "I'm surprised you turned down the Arl's offer of a feast last night. Given the appetite that comes with the territory, at any rate."

I threw him a wary look and he cocked his head to the side, questioningly. I looked from him to Alistair, who was watching me with a strange, sad look on his face.

"About that." I said, slowly. "Well...it's a funny thing, really."

"Go on, then. I could use a good laugh." Grayson replied, airily, but I could see the trepidation in his eyes.

"Well...so you know how I told you that Flemeth brought me back? Well...she didn't bring me back exactly as I was."

"What do you mean?" Morrigan asked, suddenly sitting up straighter in her seat, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"No, nothing like that. All me, no demon." I assured them, waving my bacon in the air. "But the thing is...about me...is that I'm not a Grey Warden anymore." I looked from Grayson to Alistair, who were looking at one another with similar expressions of disquiet on their faces. "Yet. I'm not a Grey Warden anymore, yet. I will be again, before we face the Archdemon. But until then...I guess I'm just...one of the gang?"

"Well." Alistair spoke first, flashing me a brief smile. "As long as you're here, and you're healthy, that's all that matters. Right, Grayson?"

"Of course." He said, though he looked to be deep in thought.

"Where's Sten?" I asked, feeling the need to change the subject away from myself.

"He's around." Grayson replied. "He'll be with the hounds, or the golem."

"The golem?" I grinned at Leliana and Zevran. "Nice work, guys. You got it?"

"We did." Leliana said, exchanging a look with Zevran. "It is...a bit different than I expected."

"How so?"

"Sassy." Zevran smirked. "The control rod we were given does not exactly, how you say...work."

"Oh?" This was news to me. "So then...how did you get it to come with you?"

"Honestly? I think it was just bored. It had been inactive for thirty years, in that tiny little village. We told it we were travelling with Grey Wardens and it agreed to join us without much hesitation."

"Well...that's fine. If it's sentient, then it's better that way, anyway. I'm not in the market for a slave." I said, mostly to myself. "How's Larry?"

"He's…" Leliana trailed off, looking warily at Grayson. I looked from one to the other and frowned.

"He's?" I prompted. Grayson sighed.

"Mabari...as you know, they imprint. They don't fair very well when they lose their person. If we'd left your body in Haven, he would still be there. He's been a little better about eating since we got to Redcliffe. This is, at least, familiar to him. But you should get down to the kennels soon."

"I'll go now." I said, grabbing a fistful of bacon strips and sliding my chair back. Everyone stood with me and I looked around at their half-eaten plates. "I know my way. I don't need a chaperone. Or...six chaperones."

"How about six friends?" Leliana asked, with a pleasant smile. I realised that they weren't coming with me for moral support. They were coming with me to make sure I didn't disappear. This still wasn't real for them.

"Sure." I mumbled, through a mouthful of bacon, as Alistair's hand automatically found the small of my back, guiding me from the room.

I led the way out of the castle, blinking in the early morning sun as we stepped out into the courtyard. The wind was cool against my skin as we made our way to the kennels, and I heard them before I saw them. Sten was playing with Khan, although I'm sure he would have called it training, lunging at the Mabari who ran circles around him, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and his eyes wild. When the hound saw us approach, he darted straight for Grayson and sat at attention at his master's feet, with a happy bark. I barely noticed.

In the corner, curled in a pitiful ball, was my faithful companion. He looked skinnier than I ever remembered him being, and his fur was dull. My heart sank, and the sight of him brought me to my knees.

"Larry." I called, gently. "Here, boy."

His head shot up and he looked around, wildly, before his eyes found me. He whined, excitedly, hauling himself to his feet and bounding over to me, his tail wagging furiously. I felt a tear roll down my face as he got within petting distance, but he came to an abrupt halt, sniffing the air.

"It's me, boy. I'm here. Good boy."

I didn't recognise the sound at first, and cold panic spread through me when I realised he was growling, low in his throat. I steeled myself, and caught his eyes with mine.

"It's okay. It's just me. It's Lauren."

He barked, viciously, and danced away from me, hackles raised. I clamped a trembling hand over my mouth as I blinked away tears. I had expected some confrontation about my return from some of my companions, but never him. He was the one constant in my life. The only one I never doubted would love me unconditionally.

"Lauren…" Grayson said, in a quiet, warning tone. "Get up, slowly."

"No, it's okay." I gasped. "He's just confused, he...it's me, boy. Don't you know me?"

I reached a hand out towards him, tentatively, allowing him to smell my scent. He barked in response and lunged forward, nipping at my outstretched hand. I withdrew it, quickly, and stared at him in shock. Alistair grabbed me roughly by the arms and pulled me to my feet, stepping between me and my hound.

"She came back different. She came back wrong." Sten growled. "The hound can sense it."

The force of his words knocked me backwards, and I stumbled, shaking my head in denial. I looked to the others for support, but their faces were a tapestry of doubt, as they contemplated the Qunari's words and the Mabari's reaction. Alistair's back was to me, and I couldn't see his expression, but I didn't want to. I couldn't bear to see that same look on his face.

I choked back a sob, shaking my head, as I backed away from them.

"Lauren, it's okay, it…"

I didn't hear what Leliana had to say. I spun on my heel and took off at a sprint. I didn't know where I was going. I just knew I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere but there. I sobbed as I ran past the castle gates, and kept running. I raced down the hill, through the village, until I came to the lake. I stopped at the water's edge and slumped to the ground, holding my chest together as the pain threatened to rip it apart.

"Take me away." I whispered to the wind. "If I came back wrong, take me away again. I don't want to be here."

"Is it talking to me?" I looked up to see that standing by one of the boathouses, looking out towards Lake Calenhad, was a golem. I hadn't noticed it at first. It was standing so still, it might have been a statue.

"I...I just want to be alone." I said, wiping the tears from my face.

"It wants to be alone. I came here to get some peace and quiet. If it wishes to be left alone, it can go elsewhere."

"Gee, it's nice to meet you, Shale." I said, bitterly.

"It knows my name?"

"Oh, you don't recognise me?" I snapped, turning my face up to look at the golem. "Apparently, you're not the only one."

"It assumes I can tell the difference between it and all the other humans? Would it recognise a golem among other golems?"

"I don't know. You're the first golem I've seen." I sniffed. "I'm Lauren. Lauren Duval. I'm a...was...a Grey Warden. Now, I'm...well, I don't know what I am. And neither does anyone else."

"Oh. I thought it was dead."

"Me too." I said, with a bitter laugh. "Maybe I should have stayed that way."

"That is usually the way of things, as I understand it."

"Usually. I'm starting to realise that there's a good reason for that."

"Lauren!" I recognised Grayson's voice and swore under my breath as he approached. "You just took off. We were worried…"

"Worried about me?" I asked, glowering darkly at him. "You don't even know what I am."

"Of course I do." He said, shaking his head in annoyance and sitting down beside me. "I know you. Sten's just...well he's a Qunari. You know how they feel about...things like this."

"And Larry?" I asked, challengingly. "I saw the looks on your faces when Sten said that. I could see you, wondering…" The fight went out of me and I shook my head, gathering my knees to my chest. "What if he's right? What if I did come back wrong?"

"You didn't." He insisted, throwing his arm around my shoulder.

"But Larry...you saw the way he acted. I've never seen him like that." I sniffed, miserably.

"Well...you said that you didn't come back exactly as you were before. Maybe...maybe you smell different to him. You don't have the taint. Maybe…"

"Did Khan turn on you after your Joining?" I snapped, irritably.

"Well...no. I'm sorry, Lauren. I don't speak Mabari. I don't know why he behaved that way."

"What am I supposed to do now?" I whispered. "We can't just leave him here. It's no life for a war hound. But if I go near him again...I don't want to put him through anymore distress."

"We're not going anywhere for at least a few days. Give him some time. You can try again, and…"

"No. No, it's not fair to him."

"If there's a chance, you owe it to him, and to yourself, to at least try." He said, firmly. "Because you're right. Living in a kennel is no life for a Mabari."

"I shouldn't have come back." I said, quietly.

"Lauren." Grayson looked down at me, reaching out to turn my face towards his when I refused to look at him. "I don't ever want to hear you say that again. The fact that you're here is a miracle I didn't even know I could pray for."

"I'm not even a Grey Warden. I'm nothing."

"Even you don't believe that's true, kitten." He said, gently. "You're the same girl I met all those months ago, at Ostagar. I've lost count of the number of times you've saved my life. I just wish I could have repaid the favour. I should have acted on your information as soon as you told me that the people of Haven weren't to be trusted. If I had, none of this would have happened."

"Oh, Grayson. You too?" I asked, shaking my head. "I know survivor's guilt is a thing but those are some impressive mental acrobatics you had to perform to come to that conclusion. A little shaky on the dismount, though. Please listen to me, carefully, because I don't want to have to keep repeating myself. My death was an accident. It was nobody's fault, except maybe my own. Look, I know that you've all been through a shitty time. But I haven't. I…" I looked out across the lake, biting my lip. "I found peace. I was happy, I think. I knew that you and Alistair would see it through, in the end. I knew that you would be okay without me. And now I'm back. And everything looks the same as it did before, but nothing really is. Nothing will ever be the same. Because I did die. And as easy as it would be for us to just pretend like nothing's changed, the truth is that everything's changed. I don't know where I fit in anymore."

"Here." He said, holding me tighter. "You fit right here. Maybe we all need some time to adjust to the new normal. But we will adjust. You will adjust. You have to give yourself a break."

"I hope you're right." I said, burying my face into his chest. "I just wish everything wasn't so hard all the time."

"I know. We're all a little weary." He said, resting his head on top of mine. "We need a chance to catch our breaths. Maybe the feast tonight will do us all some good. We could use a little more frivolity in our lives."

"There you are!" Alistair's voice was full of relief when he found us. "We've been looking everywhere."

He dropped to his haunches beside me and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I said, with as much of a smile as I could manage. "Just...you know."

"I know." He said, softly. "I'm sorry that happened. You might have come and told me that you found her." He snapped, quietly, at Grayson. The two exchanged silent words that I was too slow to catch, but Alistair's shoulders relaxed and he looked down at me again. "Come on. Let's get you back to the castle. It's freezing out here, you'll catch your…"

He stopped himself from saying the word.

"It is leaving?" Shale said, in a bored voice. "Good. I was rather wishing it would."

"Oh. You're here." Alistair said, frowning. I recognised his tone of voice as one he usually reserved for Morrigan, and figured he and the golem had got off to a rocky start...no pun intended.

"I see it has stopped leaking water from its eyes." Shale replied. "Though it is still whiny."

"I am not whiny. I was grieving. We're not all made of stone, you know."

"More's the pity, I say."

"Alright." I said, before Alistair could respond. "I'm getting flashbacks to my time at an all-girls boarding school. I've had enough teenage bitching to last me a lifetime. Or, in this case...two lifetimes. Let's just go. I think...I think I'd like to go back to bed. For a little while."

The three of us walked together in what might have been companionable silence, but for the awkward tension that permeated the air around us. Alistair walked me to our bedchamber, but neglected to join me in bed, despite my insistence that he needed to sleep. He pulled up the chair from the vanity table and sat by my bedside, arms folded, watching me with heavy eyes as I tried and failed to stop replaying those moments in the kennels over and over again in my mind.

I turned away from him and buried my head into the pillows, to save him from seeing the tears that flowed freely from my eyes. I would have thought that coming back from the dead would remind my lungs how much they enjoyed the taste of oxygen. I would have thought that coming back from the dead would have made me endlessly grateful for all of the beautiful things in the world that I had a second chance to live for. I would have thought that coming back from the dead would have felt like the miracle my friends assured me that it was. But I felt like a careless tourist. Like I had no right to claim the life that had been given to me.

I cried, alone with my thoughts despite Alistair's presence less than a foot from me, for what might have been hours, before a knock on the door announced it was time to get ready for the celebratory feast. I didn't feel much like celebrating, or being celebrated. But there would be ale, and more than ever, I needed a fucking drink.

AN: It's amazing the amount of writing you can get done when desperately procrastinating from doing the actual uni work you're supposed to be doing. Some laugh. If anyone knows anything about subnetting IP addresses hmu because I can't be ARSED and I will pay you to do it for me. I mean...it'll probably take me five minutes? But I JUST...sigh...just can't be arsed.

Anyway. The next chapter will be up soon and will be a tad more eventful. Let me hear your thoughts, as always, it's a joy to hear from you.

Eiris: One more chapter before next Friday! Now you have to post it :P I will be your first reader.

Chimera Spyke: Hello! Yes, Valour is back. He was more attached to her soul than her body. And I'm afraid that's not going to be the last of the feels chapters (you're probably going to hate me for the next few eep)

SoccerGirl4Life30: I'm glad you happy-danced. You might want to hold onto that feeling for a while...

Mihoshi 2.0: I hear ya. It was honestly just a difficult chapter to write without it all getting too messy. I suppose that's one of the pitfalls of a character-heavy story when it's written in first person. Right now, Grayson's just glad she's back, and Alistair's...well...if he seemed off in this chapter, that was intentional. And will be addressed on the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball Z! Oh no...wrong Dragon IP. But you know what I mean.

FrostFriday: I know you just reviewed Chapter 19 so you have a ways to go before you get here but when you do...thanks for the review! If you fell off your chair laughing, my work here is done.

Never33: Oh yeah, he didn't get grr. I felt like that would be too out of character for him, especially after seeing him from Leliana's perspective a couple of chapters ago. And I'm so glad you didn't see the Flemeth angle coming haha, honestly that makes me so happy.