Chapter 1:
There were signs that spring was on the horizon, as the airship swooped down out of an iron-grey sky. For one, the massive pile of snow on the edge of the airfield was melting. For another, the temperature wasn't terrible today. Unfortunately, the careworn King of Ooo was unable to enjoy the moment.
He couldn't stay. He had to get his arms around what was going on in the east, get his empire squared away so that he could leave, and then he had to get on another airship, headed east. First thing's first, he thought. He wanted to see his child. Fionna was awake and talking, in spite of the frightful prognosis that she might not wake up again. For Finn, it was like his birthday had come early.
The minute the airship had ceased moving, Finn rose from his place and headed aft, stopping at the little cabin housing his prisoner on his way. With one hand on her shoulder, the King of Ooo steered the broken spy-girl towards the rear ramp. The cyborg girl waiting by the exit door gave him a sweet smile–a reminder of his journey to the Glass Kingdom. He couldn't help but notice the way she'd unzipped her jumpsuit down to her belly-button, showing acres of orange skin. Girls. They were shameless.
A limo was waiting on him at the bottom of the ramp, alongside a Banana-Guard truck, with a duo of stalwarts there. While they wore heavy leather armor in yellow wash, neither man was a candy-person, and that bothered him a little. It was a lot like his old familiar world was being washed away.
Pushing Melinda towards the guards, the big man declared, "dungeon, until I decide what to do with her." When he turned towards the limo, he found Toast waiting on him by the door. "Hey, Finn," the little woman greeted him. "Toaster," Finn responded. Reaching down, he gathered her into his arms and hugged her.
In short order, they were rolling down the road, bound for the Candy Palace. In spite of having her position taken from her, Toast was in a good mood, chattering away about their son, Bagel. Amid the discussion of birthday parties and the future place of the young princeling, Finn slowly began to relax. Rolling down into the parking garage under the Candy Palace, Finn made a date to talk again before heading upstairs to the infirmary.
Up, up, up went the elevator, with Finn going over and over what he would say to Fi when he saw her. There was so much he wanted to say, and he now wanted to push his kids out of the business of being generals before it was too late.
Up ahead of the King, Fionna was climbing the walls. Having ducked work for months, while she hung out with her grampa, she was anxious to get back to the things she'd put off.
The barrier in the south needed finishing, and the barrier in the north needed to be raised up in height. With the Bandit-Princess crisis long done, that needed seeing to. Plus, she needed to see her husband and kids. Unfortunately, neither of the two uptight women standing over her bed saw it quite that way.
"I'm fine," muttered the blonde. "You were in a coma for months, Fionna," Drew Princess growled! Fionna rolled her eyes and said, "I told you, I was hangin' out with grampa Simon. I could have come back any time I wanted..."
That was a little bit of an admission. She wasn't keen on admitting to fucking off for months, but she didn't want to be stuck here in this bed, either.
"Standing in Death's Doorway isn't a joke," Maja replied. "You did it," Fionna muttered. "I also inhaled a dose of death-spores meant to kill your father, Sybil or no," Maja retorted. "It's only Chiang's dose of the Quick-Silver Curse that kept me alive to talk to you." Fionna's mouth shut with a click. It always seemed like her various mothers had a snappy retort for whatever she had to say at the moment.
Moving on, Maja declared, "people lose things when they're in Death's Doorway. It's important to make sure that you're all there." While Drew wasn't a fan of 'magic', she could agree with that sentiment. She had a battery of tests to run before she even thought about the patient getting out of that bed.
Before the curvy doctor could say a word though, three figures came in through the door. "Fi," Sarah greeted her. "Hey," Fionna responded! Frowning, she asked, "what'd you do to your hair?" "Trying a new shade," the android responded, as she ran her fingers through her electric-blue locks. Ignoring the by-play, Abieuwa said, "we came up to see you and ask a couple of questions..." Drew offered her a frown, though the Jungle Princess pretended not to notice.
Drawing a tablet, Princess Nadia shoved the thing under Fionna's nose, announcing, "we've been chiseling at the stone plug you created for months. No success at all in getting through it." "Living stone," Fionna replied. "S'why it took so much out of me to create. I wasn't sure how many bad dudes were left or if anybody was coming, so I made it so nobody could ever get through the plug."
Pushing the tablet away, she said, "it's part of me." Before anybody could react, Maja grabbed Fionna's ear and twisted. "Ow," the Bad Bunny howled! "Fucking ow!" "That's why we couldn't wake you," the witch growled! "You've been feeding that fucking rock your life-energy for months!" Drew's eyes got big as plates, and momentarily, the witch and the doctor were both twisting Fionna's ears as if they were doorknobs. And that was the scene that Finn walked into.
"Uh, what gives," burbled the King of Ooo? "Fionna made an almost tragic error of judgment," Drew declared. Rubbing at her injured ears, the blonde wanted to cuss them. Instead, she greeted her father with, "hey, daddy. Good to see you."
Before the reunion could get underway, Abieuwa interrupted, "the Guild is riding my ass. They want to inspect the tunnel." "I can tell the rock to chill out, when I get back down there," Fionna replied. The Jungle Princess's eyes flicked to the doctor, but it was Maja who responded, "out of the question. Checkup first."
While his daughter argued with her stepmoms, Finn glanced around the room to see who else was present. When his eyes locked with Sarah, the big man rumbled, "uh... what's with the hair?"
"New look," she responded. "What do you think?" As with every other woman he'd ever met, that was a trick question and quite possibly worth his life to get wrong. "Cool," Finn responded. "Looks great on you. Reminds me of the my favorite Jolly Blue gum from when I was young."
Fionna rolled her eyes, as she listened to her daddy take his shit-test and pass. It seemed even the machine-girl couldn't help doing that. "Don't you roll your eyes at me," Maja snapped! The witch's eyes began to glow, even as Dr. P drew back her fist, preparatory to belting the blonde. "Ok, ok," Fi responded. "Uncle! I give up!" Finn relaxed. For a moment there, it looked like they'd both be getting a beating.
Striding forward, Finn threw his massive arms around his kid and hugged her for all he was worth. "I'm ok, daddy," Fi sniffed. Maja harumphed. They'd be talking about this. In the right now, she shooed the trio of official visitors out. "You'll stay away from that stone plug," she declared. "Every chip you make pushes her back towards another trip to Death's Doorway." Finn's head whipped around, but Maja was already out the door.
Finn turned back his daughter. "Hey, kiddo," he said. "How you feeling?" "Bored, daddy," Fi responded. "You know she was shit-testing you, right?" Finn flushed, as New Fionna entered the conversation. "Let's not change the subject," Finn retorted.
The pretty blonde folded her arms under her impressive chest, in irritation. Smiling, Finn said, "let you in on a secret, Fi. It's not like us guys don't realize we're being jerked around. The question is: 'does it matter'? It's more important to me that she feel ok than that I be completely honest."
Tweaking her nose, he said, "that's a lesson for you. Sometimes the stuff we fight over isn't worth fighting over. And sometimes we throw our partner a bone to help their sanity. As long as lying doesn't become such a habit that we lie about important things, everything's ok."
Wrinkling her dainty nose, Fi chuckled, "that shade looks like ass on her." Smiling, the big man reminded her, "remember Sarah's handicap, honey." Fionna flushed. Looking up at him, she announced, "but I always think of her as cool Bonnie." "Keep telling her that," Finn chuckled. Hopefully, we'll get the notion to take."
Just then, Breakfast walked in the door, with Roselinen at her side. "Heard that you'd just come in," Beeps announced. Finn grimaced. He'd only just gotten here! "Need you to talk to Odessa," Rosie murmured.
The big man checked an instinctual eye-roll in mid-motion. He'd let her antics get too far. He knew he'd given in too many times. With people starving across the land and so many mouths to feed, the King of Ooo had been anxious to smooth ruffled feathers and keep the food flowing. But he knew Odessa wasn't to be trusted. "We can talk later, daddy," Fionna announced. Nodding in unhappiness, the big man rose to go.
On the far side of the great ocean, Black Cass Antoine paced the confines of the chart room in a state of utter panic. She wanted to belt Karmin. While the standing order was nobody on the ship without permission of the Deck Officer or the Captain herself, Karmin's zealous enforcement of that edict left the curvy pirate in a bind.
Tall, pale, and terrifying was zonked out in his bunk with a helluva lump on his head. He was breathing, but Cass feared he might not stay that way. More to the point, what were they going to tell Big Daddy?
As she started off on another circuit of the room, the sound of a bell ringing attracted her attention to the bag on the chart table. His bag. Her eyes flicked to Chessie. The blonde rumbled, "sound like d'at t'ing he always take out to the fo'c'sle." His communication device. Cass rushed to the bag and all but tore it apart until the thing fell out on the deck.
And then she found herself staring at it as it rang and rang before finally stopping. What the hell would she say to those people? And, if that was enough, she'd now missed her chance to say anything at all. She found herself torn, staring death straight in the face, with no idea how to weasel out of this.
As she pondered and stared, the phone began to ring again. Calmly, Chessie reached down and picked it up, staring at the glowing face of it. "Wifey," she burbled, as she read the word there. One of his girls, Cass thought. As she pondered the meaning of that, Chessie began poking and prodding at the thing until finally the case sprang open, stopping the maddening ringing.
"Bill," a female voice announced? "Not 'xactly," Chessie burbled. "Who is this," demanded the voice on the other end of that ethereal link? Cass felt her face go hot. Yeah, this was one of his girls, alright. Probably the girl. "I'm Captain Antoine," the curvy beauty responded. "This gadget started chimin' in d'big mon's bag."
On the other end of that line, Ragnhild Mertens frowned at the phone. The Captain sounded suspiciously like a girl. Hamest rolled her eyes in irritation. He was fucking around. "Where's my husband," Ragnhild demanded, confirming the pirate's guess. "Why are you holding Bill's phone."
"It ain't like d'at," the Captain responded. "Big mon ask f'er a ride to d'east coast, lookin' f'er some mystery wreck out here." Rags frowned. She knew the mission William was on because she'd helped Nieve set the whole thing up. This was supposed to be something quiet for him to do. Forcing calm into her voice, Ragnhild asked, "where is he?" There was a pause on the other end of the line. "I'm his wife," she murmured. "He was supposed to call..."
On the Red Wind, Chessie was shaking her head for Cass to lie. Turning her back, Cass admitted, "sometin' wrong wit yo man, girl. He... start actin' funny. Big mon used t'crack jokes... used t'have d'at bad-boy's smile..." Pacing back and forth, holding the thing close to her face, the pirate captain explained the subtle changes she'd seen from the man who'd gotten on her boat.
Ragnhild flushed. She knew just what this woman was saying. Billy had a way about him. He was smooth and easy-going, easily able to charm the panties off all and sundry, if he at all wanted that. More to the point, Katsumi's frowning face told her that the changes the captain was describing were very dangerous. Visions of the Entity taking over her husband's body flitted through her mind. All of a sudden, it seemed like a very bad idea to send Billy to hunt down that ship.
The Nine-Tailed Fox's frown only deepened, as Captain Antoine described their husband's dangerous epiphany. Indeed, Noemi signaled Rags to mute the phone. When Ragnhild had toggled the microphone off, the plump woman said, "he's right. The pattern fits. Finn needs to know this."
"One thing at a time," Katsumi retorted. "We need to figure out what's going on with Bill." She signaled for Ragnhild to turn the microphone back on. And just in the nick of time, as the Captain announced the terrifying outcome of her fateful conversation with the Ice Prince. "He flew," Rags asked?
Cass couldn't help rolling her eyes as that question came through the device. "Like Glob come down from on high," the pirate responded. "Damn, that's bad news," a voice in the background declared.
Chessie gobbled. Did they all know about each other? "He's in a dangerous state, Captain," Ragnhild declared. "I need you..." "I ain't y'er dog," Cass interrupted. A third voice announced, "but you do like money, Ms. Antoine. Listen careful. This could either be a big payday, or it could be a lot of trouble..."
Cass grimaced. She was trapped, just like Morgana. "Say on," she rumbled. One of the other voices asked, "where's Bill now?" "He's out cold," Cass mumbled. "He snuck back on d'boat. One o'the crew smack him, thinkin' he was a dog come lookin' f'er a treat. When we saw who it was, we put him back in his bunk t'sleep it off."
"Take him to Stilt Town," Ragnhild commanded. "We'll have your payment delivered there. Bring him to the Lady of the Lake." "What if he wake up," Chessie asked? "Drug him," Noemi responded. "If he starts to wake up, drug him. We don't want him using his powers."
Back in the Candy Palace, Finn the King walked into the cramped little office he'd adopted in Bonnie's old palace to find the place almost the same as when the family decamped to King's Island. Beeps had a fire going in the fireplace, bringing a little cheer to the space, and someone had dusted and cleaned recently.
The familiarity of this room and memories of first Bon and then Shoko staying here, made him feel better. Honestly, it was more homey than the elaborate space Lollipop put together for him on King's Island.
With the current circumstances of his empire ratcheting up the stress levels, he needed the familiarity. The big man sat himself and ran his fingers over the smooth surface, remembering happier times, and that helped him banish some of the worry over Jake, Bonnie, and Fionna.
Opening the door, Beeps announced, "Princess Odessa of the Muscle Kingdom to see you..." Finn rose to greet Nieve's grammy, as the older woman came sauntering in.
Just as his ladies had said, Odessa had gotten a dose of Maja's youth and vitality dust. She was just as young and beautiful as her granddaughter. Indeed, the style of her dress—with a cleavage cut that went to her belly-button—suggested she was taking shameless advantage of her newfound youth.
Her dark eyes burning into his, the young/old woman sauntered across the room, hips swinging like a young sexpot instead of a dowager with two sons and four daughters and over a dozen grandchildren. Stopping before the desk, the lady gave him a bow, offering him a good view of her heavy-duty cans. From shriveled and stooped, she'd become hot as fuck.
Finn motioned for her to have a seat. As she drew her chair, the curvy woman announced, "I came as soon as your secretary reached out to me." Breakfast grimaced at being called a 'secretary'. In spite of the insult, Finn remained focused on the person before him. Twirling a lock of her sable hair in flirtatious fashion, Odessa remarked, "I understand there's some sort of problem..."
Finn slid the newspaper Rosie showed him across the desk towards her. Odessa glanced down at the headline. "Oh, my," she murmured. "Another baby-food scandal..."
Breakfast grimaced. Her sister had been forced out of her position as Minister for Sustenance for this fucking airhead, yet Odessa seemingly couldn't be bothered to keep track of what the fucking peasants under her control were doing.
In patient tones, the big man announced, "I wasn't aware that this was going on. Obviously, I've had a lot on my plate lately. I need to understand the depth of the problem and what you're doing to find a solution..."
Offering him a sweet smile, Odessa said, "we're in the midst of changing sources of supply, Your Majesty." Finn frowned in puzzlement. Leaning forward slightly—and offering up a view of those emerald-green cans—the curvy woman declared, "it's a delicate business. While Princess Bonnibel ably managed matters pertaining to the food supply in the Candy Kingdom when The Artifact was in play, things have changed quite a bit."
Finn flushed. The failure of the Spoon of Plenty was still having effects years after the fact. He vaguely recalled there being moments where there were shortages—especially over in Candy Town. While the swells in Chocago had partied hearty, the poor had taken it in the ass, especially after what the Dipped had done to some of their best producing lands.
Smiling with perfect teeth, Odessa explained, "I'm having to source food supplies from the Bandit Lands... You understand that they can be... unreliable? Yes?" Finn flushed, as he imagined the various gangsters intervening in the business. They could be doing everything from siphoning away money sent to purchase food to watering food down with whatever garbage they could find to raise their profits.
"It needs to stop," Beeps snapped! Finn gave her a warning look. His wife offered him a grim look and explained, "we found two of the recalled lots in the nursery, Finn." Her heart was in her eyes, leaving Finn feeling two inches tall. Those were his kids.
"Oh, dear," Odessa burbled! "That is a problem!" Turning to Finn, she said, "rest assured, I have levied... sanctions on men found to be adulterating food... I did it in your name... You understand."
Finn flushed. She'd slagged a bunch of gangsters and put the blame on him. At least he hoped that was who got slagged.
In cool tones, the big man responded, "that's work that Princess Star should be doing. It's part of her portfolio to tackle organized crime. Please leave criminal matters in her hands from now on. I just need you to identify the suspect food sources and screen them out of the food supply."
"It shall be done, Your Majesty," Odessa replied. "I have, in fact, been diligently working on the problem. I'm constrained to remind you that you chose to move the reactor to the Bandit Lands and leave it in the care of those people, rather than more trustworthy folk."
Finn grimaced. That was a gut-shot, if ever there was one. "I'll manage the reactor," he declared. "You find these cheats for Star to prosecute." "Of course, Your Majesty," she responded.
Rising, she said, "by your leave...?" "You can be dismissed," Finn muttered. Smiling sweetly, she offered him a deep bow before spinning on her heel to go. Beeps watched that wiggling ass the whole way across to the door, her face red with rage.
The tall princess strode back through the twists and turns of the palace, taking note of those she saw. Her rivals were still lurking about. She spotted the odious nymph, Catalina, swilling fine wine in one of the salons with Anwen Mallory.
The idiot human girl, Tania, was in one of the reception rooms, talking to her betters and eating fine food. More on point, several of the Royal Wives were in attendance, and even a couple of young William's companions were here.
You need a way to gather them, Odessa thought. She had her cunning plan to be rid of a pack of Royal Brats, but she was coming up short on the execution. It didn't do her any good to have to play the gambit twice. One accident was well within the realm of possibility. Two would have that suspicious nymph-whore sniffing around.
Do you need to get them all, she wondered, as she crossed the grand hall? Three of those brats were the gangster's children. Odessa didn't really see a scenario where they could truly compete for the throne.
With no kingdoms of their own, the physician and the former model's children had shaky claims. They could be... removed at relative ease. She could dispatch agents to strangle the two strippers and their children with them once she'd made her primary move.
Unfortunately, she still saw herself facing a steep climb. There were a lot of Royal Children to be shed of. She needed a way to have them all here in the Candy Kingdom. A council meeting—preferably one where Finn was absent—seemed like just the thing.
The car whisked her quickly back to her current digs in the hotel across from the palace. The minute the car was at the elevator, the tall woman disembarked with her retinue of guards at her back, taking the elevator straight to the penthouse suite. Her agents had secretly taken control of the building, keeping her activities out of sight of the prying eyes and ears of Finn's spies.
Her little pet glanced up from staring into the fire, when Odessa stepped into the suite. Marysia Okonski was doing well—putting on weight after her unpleasant encounter in the wastelands. "Boring stuff," Masia declared, as she broke the trance and released the fire in the King's office. "Bitch is jealous as anything, though..."
Odessa smiled archly. It was tempting to think of taking Finn. Trouble was, her primary competitors were a quartet of immortal wizards. She could get rid of one wizard, but four was a tough roe to hoe.
Turning to her employer, the elemental remarked, "kinda' beneath you to even be bothered with the whole business. I'd have told them to pound sand." Odessa chuckled that sinister chuckle of hers, suggesting the elemental was missing something.
Striding past, the older woman remarked, "it was worth having my chain jerked a little, child. I got confirmation that my efforts in the background have attracted the appropriate notice. I just needed to drop the right hints in his lap, and I've done that."
Marysia gave her a look of utter bafflement. Frown twisting her pretty young face, the elemental responded, "I don't get it. Why do you care about some stiff's kid getting a little food-poisoning?"
Rolling her eyes, Odessa retorted, "do pay attention, Masia. How do you think I'm going to get rid of dozens of Royal Heirs at one sitting? If the point of all this is to get my own, hand-picked heir to the Imperial Throne at the top of the list, I have to be cunning. I can't have my own hands dirty. I have a recipe for poison—an ancient one. It appears as if the victim died of gastronomical distress... neatly fitting in with all the incidents of poor little dears catching the colic from bad baby food."
Masia goggled at her! That was monstrous! And then, a flush and an evil grin spread across her young face. She rather liked it. "There's just one problem," the young elemental rumbled.
Odessa glared at her. She didn't need to hear about problems. "Fat-ass's daughter," Masia reminded her. "Olesia has one too. Your baby-food trick won't work." Nodding, Odessa responded, "then you need to find a way to get rid of her." Masia grimaced. She was basically being asked to murder her niece. At the same time, she was sort of committed to this, wasn't she. "I'll get it done," she rumbled. "I just need to know when..."
Can't keep an evil old granny and her twisted pet elemental down, can you?