[+]

CHAPTER 4

"Too bad you didn't go blind, looking at the sun," said Gregg.

Mae twitched, feeling the stiffness of the grass under her outstretched legs. "Dude… I kinda did," she protested. "I went someplace dark where I could only what it wanted me to see. And maybe its innards or something."

Gregg's jowl tensed. "Sorry, too soon?"

"Probably too soon," Mae agreed. She lay back, hands beneath her head. It was night now. The field was nearly empty, but there was still a sense of life. Maybe it was from all the people on the streets in the distance, packing away the port-a-potties and parking booths and whatever other stuff they'd brought in for the tremendous crowds coming into their town for a day or two, never to be seen again.

Broderick was gone. Mae had his phone number and address, and she'd contact him eventually. But for now, she didn't know what to think. She'd imagined lying with him in the field, cuddling. Soothing each other gently against the chaos in the night, the hole growing in the middle of the world. Protecting each other.

She wanted him at her side. But they hadn't done anything. They'd crossed paths like Adina and the woodsman in the night, and shared something special that wasn't romantic love. Except that Adina and the woodsman had gotten something beautiful to share. Mae and Broderick had gotten something horrifying and creepy.

Just the same, she'd take it. A connection was a connection, and God knew there weren't enough of those in the world these days.

"Too bad you didn't see the eclipse and turn into a psycho killer," she said.

Gregg looked over from his own spot on the grass. "Too bad you didn't get mauled by a psycho killer."

"Too bad that guy with the stilts didn't impale you by mistake."

"Too bad those fireworks didn't set you on fire."

"Too bad those birds that freaked out didn't fly over and peck your eyes out."

"Dude, I already did blindness," said Gregg. "We can't both be blind together."

"Why not? We'd be like a little club. Besides, having your eyes pecked out is way worse than just going blind. You'd be bleeding eye juice all over."

"Oh yeah, fair point. I guess that'd be pretty creepy." Gregg got up on his knees and shuffled over. "Watch out or I'll bleed on you."

"Eye juice or regular blood?"

"Probably a little of both. Just a nice mixture."

"I bet that's your secret recipe for slushies at the Snack Falcon."

"You got me. One part eye juice, two parts toe jam, three parts blood, and a tiny cup of high fructose corn syrup."

"And ice," added Mae.

"And ice, sure. Gotta have ice."

"Any boogers?"

"That's our lime flavor."

Mae lay back and looked at the sky. It was starry, but not as starry as back home. This was a bigger town with more lights. The sky had a harder time getting in. She didn't blame Bea for wanting to go back to the hotel with Angus. She'd been getting tired of people asking if she was a goth. Mae liked how Bea handled that question—she let them make up their own minds. Goth isn't really the sort of thing you have to self-identify for, Bea said. Is there any more information you need in order to decide?

She was glad they'd taken the extra day off so they could stay another night. Traffic heading back would have been hell. "Hey Gregg?"

"What's up?"

She pointed. "You ever just stare at the sky and wonder what's out there?"

On cue, her companion flopped down beside her, lying in the opposite direction. "Been doing that a bit lately."

"You mean ever since I… had my episode?" She didn't like calling it an episode, but what else was she going to call it?

"Ever since the big thing, yeah."

The moon wasn't in the sky. Mae guessed that was fine. It'd had a big day. It could rest if it wanted.

"So, any luck with the wondering?"

"Luck?"

"I mean, did you reach any conclusions or anything?"

"Nah. Mostly I just wonder," Gregg admitted.

Well, Mae couldn't blame him for that. She couldn't find answers in the stars and blackness either. She wasn't even sure it was the right place to look. But where else could she turn?

Suddenly the gentle circles and banners of the First Coalescence Church came to mind, and she found herself wriggling on the inside. She was conflicted.

"Hey Gregg? Did you ever think about… going to church?"

He lifted his head in surprise, just an inch or two. "That's not really the kind of place for me."

Mae didn't disagree. But still… "How come?"

He shrugged, which must have been a little tough while lying down in his leather jacket. "Parking lot trash."

God. "You know what, Gregg? If you call yourself that again, I'm gonna…" What? Sock him one? "I'm gonna hug you and tell you how great you are and make you feel all embarrassed."

He was still for a while. "You think I should go to church?"

She couldn't say that without being a hypocrite, could she? "I dunno. I don't know why I don't go."

"I mean, it's kind of parochial, isn't it?"

Where did he learn a fancy word like that? "What does that mean?"

"Not sure. They have parochial schools in Bright Harbor. Something to do with the church."

"So you're saying church has to do with church."

He shrugged. "Just saying. Going to church is what the Man says to do."

"Does that mean it's wrong?" Mae asked.

Gregg was silent.

"My mom works at the church. I like visiting her there. I like skipping through the church when it's empty. I even like talking with the pastor. But… somehow I just can't bring myself to go when there are people there. When there's a service."

"Do you, like, try? Is something holding you back?"

She thought about it. She really did. It wasn't like she'd never gone to church, but it had been a long time ago. The message… when she could even figure it out… had felt so much like it wasn't meant for her that the whole thing was a travesty. It had felt somehow sacrilegious to go to church. Like an erasure of the soul.

But… Pastor K was okay, wasn't she? Maybe she should give it another try? What was the worst that could happen?

Another descent into madness and cosmic horror?

"I'll go," she decided. And she meant it. "I'll try. I don't think they have the answers… but it might help, to hear what the pastor and everyone has to say."

"You think?"

She wanted to feel cozy and cared for again, by more than just a handful of friends and family. She wanted a taste of community, if she could get it. "It'd make my mom happy, anyway."

"You want me to go with you?"

Mae felt a warm flower blossom through her insides. Gregg didn't give a hoot for church or religion, but he was willing to come with her. "I don't know. You might be right about it not being the place for you. But it means a lot to me you're willing to do it."

"You want me to back you up? Be your wingman?"

"I don't think they have wingmen in church."

"Sure they do. Angels have wings, right? Anyone who tries to make you feel like you don't belong, I'll bite their heads off."

"Or you could just… be nice instead?"

"I'll be so nice I'll put 'em to shame. Crazy nice. I'll make them feel like this piece of parking lot trash belongs there more than they do."

Uh oh. Mae'd warned him about calling himself that, hadn't she? What had she said she'd do?

Oh yeah. She climbed to all fours and crawled over to give Gregg a big messy hug. "Hey Greggory, you're a great guy. You're the real deal. I love you totally."

He didn't seem too upset. "Already got a boyfriend."

She kissed him on the forehead. "I meant plutonically, you idiot."

He laughed. "You're embarrassing me."

"Kinda the point," said Mae.

"I like it."

Well, she didn't want him to like it too much. She released him and tossed herself randomly into the grass again. "This is kind of a nice place, huh?"

"Mmm," he agreed. It sounded like he liked Bright Harbor better, but was too diplomatic to say so.

Still, the idea of anyplace outside of home actually being comfortable was still exciting to Mae. "If I had to die someplace, I wouldn't mind dying here," she observed.

"What, like in the song?"

"Yeah. I mean, this place is anywhere else enough to count, right?"

"Sure," said Gregg. He stared at where the moon wasn't.

Not for the first time, Mae wondered seriously whether she would eventually die somewhere other than Possum Springs. The answer seemed like probably. Possum Springs wasn't likely to last much longer, especially if Black Goat really was helping prop it up. Mae didn't fear the idea of dying someday, but what scared her was the idea it might happen with her parents still alive. She hated the idea of making her parents mourn, but she couldn't ignore the chance, could she? She was crazy. Her head was messed up, and she was the sort of person liable to pick up a bat or climb onto a rooftop. It could happen.

And then, staring at blackness, she wondered something else—what if, when you die, you go to the place with the bubbles and the waves and the darkness, and nothing else, and that's it forever? What if when she talked to Black Goat, she was getting a taste of eternity?

She didn't want to cry, but it was hard keeping the tears down. Maybe if she stayed on her back they wouldn't be able to escape.

Then Gregg spoke up. "You know Casey wrote that song, right?"

She hadn't, but it was obvious when she thought about it. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. He always used to talk about going somewhere, but after you left, he got kind of… obsessive about it. It was less if and more when."

"Huh." Mae felt bad about that. Almost like his death was her fault, even though she couldn't have exactly told her parents no when it came to the college thing they'd been planning her entire life. "Did you try to talk him out of it?"

Gregg nodded; She could hear the grass rustle under his head. "We convinced him to write songs instead. That's how we got 'Die Anywhere Else'… 'Headache'… 'Long Black Road'…"

"Wow. You guys have written all these songs since I left. Do you even ever play the old ones anymore?"

"Sometimes."

Mae tried to envision it. "He wanted to go out and hop a train, but you got him to put all his leaving energy into… singing about leaving."

"And drumming."

"And drumming. God he was loud on those drums when he wanted to be."

"Drum power," said Gregg.

"Leaving power," corrected Mae.

"Leaving power," Gregg agreed.

"But he left anyway." Mae turned to face her friend. "You didn't get him to stay."

"We tried."

"What happened?"

Gregg shrugged. "He ran out of songs to write."

Something felt hot and sad and strong all of a sudden. Mae couldn't tell if she felt bad or… something else. But she felt the urge. The urge to get up and start walking somewhere—anywhere—and dare her friends and family to stop her.

"You okay?" asked Gregg, looking her over.

"Yeah. Maybe."

"I've been thinking." He lay on his side, propped up on an elbow. "You think Casey would've come back if he hadn't… you know. If they hadn't found him?"

Mae'd wondered too. But how was she supposed to know? She hadn't been there when he'd left. She hadn't had that one last chance to talk with him she really wished she'd had. "Probably. Eventually. He would have at least written, or something. He wouldn't have just… left us."

"He did leave us, dude. He totally up and left us."

"But he didn't just leave us!" cried Mae. "I mean, he was loyal. To his values and to his friends and…" She shook her head, something sticking. "And not to his town, but that's because he didn't feel any loyalty to his town, it was just a place to him." Suddenly Mae wondered if what seemed to keep her tethered to Possum Springs had forced Casey out. Had the whole town… just lost its meaning to him the longer he stayed? Had it all just been shapes to him in the end?

"He probably would've come back for us," Gregg admitted.

Mae considered. "Yeah. Yeah, he would've."

Gregg lay down flat again, then drew his knees up. "You're not mad, are you? At me and Angus?"

"Mad at you? Why would I be?"

"For leaving?"

Oh. Right. Wow. Mae had felt mad, from time to time, but she'd felt good for them too, and even proud sometimes. As if they were something for her to be proud of. "I'm not mad. You did what you had to do."

"I feel like if we hadn't known Casey, we would have stayed forever."

Wow. Mae didn't know what to say to that.

"Maybe not Angus," Gregg went on. "He would've wanted to go someplace better, check out the world. But I think maybe we just would've gone on trips. If it hadn't been for Casey, we might've done road trips and come back on home."

"To Possum Springs?"

"To Possum Springs. Where I was lord of the Snalcon. I was lord of the Snalcon, you know?"

Mae almost smiled. "You were completely lord of the Snalcon. I don't know who would have been lord of the Snalcon except for you."

He peered upward. "I love working bar. It's fun, you meet people, it doesn't suck. But you know what? I'm not lord of anything there."

Mae paused. "I bet you are."

He shook his head, rustling the grass. "Nuh-uh. Cynthia's the lord of the bar, if anyone is. I'm just a guy who's pretty chill but no one comes specially to see me, you know?"

"I bet you're lord of the tap or something."

He gave it some thought. "Nah."

Just nah? "You're just a guy there?"

"Yep. Not a legend. Just a guy."

It seemed colder suddenly. Mae rolled over and set her head against Gregg's side. "I miss you and Angus pretty fierce, you know."

He put his hand on her head. "Yeah. We do too."

"I wish I could come join you. I honestly think I do. I love Possum Springs, but I can't stay there forever. It's water going down a drain and if my folks and I stay too long, it'll whirl us around and right down the hole. Bloorp."

"You tell your folks you think they should move?"

"I've been hinting at it. But I'm scared to really push. I mean, what if we move away and then suddenly everything's just shapes forever after that? What if my only safe place is gone forever?"

"What if you're only being kept in Possum Springs so you can help the cosmic thing? Did you think of that?" Gregg suggested. "What if once you've helped it, you're free?"

Now that was an idea. But would that mean it had been watching her and making her mind malfunction since she was thirteen? For that long? "I don't think it's been up here that long."

"No, probably not. But okay, duder. Honesty time. If you could move without your problem to worry about, would you?"

Mae had thought about that a lot. She would miss the people and sights and places she'd grown up with, but… "Yeah. I would. I'm gonna need more if I'm gonna live a full lifetime, you know?"

"You'd be a great down-the-block neighbor, you know that?"

"As if I could afford Bright Harbor."

"Who knows? Maybe your friend down in the mineshaft can help you out. Show you where a buried mother lode of coal is or something."

That hurt. He hadn't meant it to hurt, but… "It isn't my friend."

He sat up and looked at her. "Sorry."

"I want it gone. That's all. It shouldn't exist and I want it gone."

"I know. I want it gone too."

"I don't need anything from it."

He shook his head. "You don't. You're awesome the way you are."

She lay there a few moments more. Then she climbed to her feet. It was satisfying to hear the grass crunch.

"I'm done with this place," she decided. "Let's go back to the hotel."

Gregg hopped up, ready to follow. "Aye aye, captain."

She trudged toward the edge of the field, where a couple of floodlights were still shining. Some kind of work crew was taking apart a food kiosk or something. Maybe this town wasn't going to be so impressive in a couple of days, if they kept taking things apart.

They stepped back onto the sidewalk. "Hey Gregg?" she said.

"Mhm?"

"Sorry for ruining the eclipse. I mean, we drove all this way to see the sun go away… and then, at the exact moment it happened, I went crazy and you guys had to deal with it."

He gave her a look. "Seriously? You're apologizing for that? Forget about it. It was awesome."

She gave him the same look back. "It was awesome when I collapsed and you didn't know if I was gonna live or die?"

Now he was sheepish, unsure how to get his point across. "That wasn't so awesome," he admitted. "But. Excitement! You've gotta admit, we got our money's worth."

Mae resumed walking and threw her hands up in the air. "Seven hours on the road and days of planning, and I miss the whole totality!"

"Dumb goat thing," said Gregg.

"Dumb goat thing!" agreed Mae. One of the workers looked over at her; she didn't care.

"But in all total seriousness," Gregg went on. "Most people go to something like an eclipse hoping for it to mean something. For something big and important to happen. And sure, they get a kick-ass sight, and for a few minutes it feels like the world's upside-down. But so what? It's just a sight. It doesn't really mean anything."

"It's like nature," Mae suggested.

"But nature's everywhere! Nature's nothing special. We see something big and scary like the sun going out in the middle of the day and we get the sense that something special is happening. But it's not really. It's an illusion. Except for you."

Mae's neck hair tingled. "Are you trying to convince me I'm lucky because some creature from the tear between worlds has its hooks in my brain?"

He shook his head. "Naw, that bites. But at least it made this trip something for you, didn't it? You and Brody got something else no one in that field got. You got to know the eclipse was actually something."

It was something, all right. Well, at least his heart was squarely in the right place. At least he was trying to cheer her up. "You know what's something?" Mae retorted.

He grinned. "Nope! Tell me!"

Mae pointed. "You're something!"

Without breaking stride, Gregg noodled his arms in excitement. "I'm something!"

"You are so something."

"I'm all the things!"

Mae shook her head. "You can't be all the things. I have to be some of them."

He took her hand and noodled their two arms together. Mae almost laughed with the electricity of it. "Okay. You can be the good things," he offered.

"Deal," she said.

They kept walking, and didn't stop shaking hands.

"My arm's getting tired," said Gregg.

"That's fine," said Mae. "I'll take over."

A/N: I took a week off because I was hosting a friend, but I intend to keep posting on Mondays. Looks like my initial guess that this would be a four-chapter story was off. Oh well—given my writing habits, I shouldn't be surprised! It'll take at least two more chapters to finish up.

In case you're wondering whether Mae took Bea or Gregg's friendship route in this story… I kind of feel like enough time has passed that she was able to do both?

Note that Gregg refers to Broderick near 'Brody' at the end of the chapter. That's the only clue we have as to how the group parted ways with him.

Mae means 'platonic' love, of course, not 'plutonic'. Silly girl. Then again, given that Pluto is the god of death, and Mae and Gregg are always expressing regret that the other hasn't died, maybe plutonic love -is- what she meant.