The Trouble with Tanks

Disclaimer: The same as before.

Author's Note: The sharp eyed among you may discover a reference to Red Witch's Breakfast at the Pit.

The Pit
Agent Caitlin Todd, Agent Conrad Hart, Scarlett
13 February 2002, 1355

"What are you whistling?" Kate asked Conrad as the the seemingly innocuous gray government sedan driven by Scarlett headed away from the airport.

For the past few minutes she had watched her companion for this mission lightly whistle a tune. It had a slightly martial air to it, but had a an odd levity of pace to it.

The ex-Legionnaire stopped his whistling and said, "Sorry, I was spacing out a bit, what was the question again?"

"What was that tune you were whistling?" Kate asked, as she turned to face Conrad, who was sitting in the car's backseat.

"Oh," Conrad replied, "It's called Le Boudin."

"For the non-French speakers in this car, what does that mean?" Kate asked.

"Le boudin means blood sausage, it's basically a not entirely appetizing piece of French cuisine. I'm not sure why of all the items of food in the world this rather disgusting item of food is one we sang of before lunch and dinner while I was in basic training for the Legion." Conrad replied, "What's humorous to me is the first verse or two regards several nationalities, and food for the Alsatians, Swiss, and Lorrainers but none for the Belgians because evidently they're lazy."

At Kate's quizzical look Conrad added, "I don't think political correctness was on the list of priorities for the Legion when it was formed in 1831. A disclaimer, however, three Belgians I remember serving alongside in the Legion were three solid guys."

Kate countered, "Now who's being politically correct, Mr. Disclaimer."

Conrad was about to reply when the distinct sound of a tank engine and a boom caused him to duck.

Kate ducked as well, eyes wide, "Please tell me that wasn't what I thought it was."

"That depends." Conrad replied, "Did you think it was a tank driving and firing the odd shell or two?"

"Yes." Kate replied.

"Then I'm sorry to disappoint, mademoiselle," Conrad replied, "I'm afraid I must say that it is what you thought it was."

"No, really?" Kate countered as Scarlett pulled the car off the road and slammed on the brakes just as they saw a tank cross the road, crashing through the wall of one of the buildings beside the fence of the motor pool before it crashed through the fence and crossed in front of the car.

The turret of the tank traversed left and right, occasionally the gun orienting up and down. Kate could see what looked like a teenaged boy, with a mop of dirty blonde hair sitting in the turret, wildly waving his arms.

She also, before ducking again as the tank fired another shell, saw a muscular, bald African American man in camouflage fatigues and a Caucasian wearing a mechanic's coveralls running to try and catch up with the tank as it crashed through the fence across the street and right towards an obstacle course.

The tank fired a shell, blowing apart an apparatus of ropes, ladders and cargo nets and telephone poles.

Then it traversed its gun, knocking down a rope climbing obstacle before crashing through a wall and then crushing several tires that were on the far side of the wall before it fired another shot.

After what seemed like an eternity the tank engine sound stopped entirely before Kate, open mouthed with astonishment, yelped, "What the Hell was that!?"

"Looks like someone was joyriding in a tank." Scarlett replied.

"Please tell me I didn't just hear what I thought I just heard..." Kate exclaimed.

"You mean joyriding and tank?" Conrad replied, "I'm afraid that..."

"Yes, I know what I heard," Kate replied, "It's called trying to process shock."

Scarlett chimed in, "Welcome to the Pit."

"Some welcome." Kate commented as she sat back up and saw the tail end of what she and Conrad would both declare Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. One building of the motor pool was utterly destroyed, two fences were knocked down, several crates were on fire or destroyed, as were several obstacles on the obstacle course.

Baer isn't going to believe this. Kate thought, as she imagined just what her daily update was going to look and sound like to her superiors in Washington D.C.

The Pit, Mess Hall
Roadblock and Toad
13 February 2002, 1453

"Well, that's the last potato." Roadblock said as the last bit of skin on the last potato of the giant mound of potatoes he had to peel had hit the floor.

He stood up from the stool, and said, "Come on, kid, it's time to meet our visitors."

"They're not gonna..." Todd asked briefly.

"No, they're not going to." Roadblock said, "They're just here to ask you a few questions about Magneto and Mystique and the Brotherhood."

"Oh, ok." Todd said as he stood up.

Todd hopped alongside Roadblock as he walked out of the back room where the potatoes were being peeled towards the mess hall where they could see Scarlett with the two agents.

Todd noticed the woman first. She was about 5'7", with her brown hair worn down, hazel eyes, and wearing a brown pantsuit, with a white blouse.

Then he saw the man on the other side of her. He was around the woman's height, about an inch shorter, with black hair that was neatly trimmed. Not quite military short, but close. There was evidence of skin grafting near his left ear.

Scarlett noticed them as well and pointed Roadblock and Toad out to the two agents. As they met up Scarlett said, "Agent Kate Todd and Agent Conrad Hart, I want you to meet Marvin Hinton, aka Roadblock, and Todd Tolansky, or Toad."

After they introduced themselves, Roadblock said, "I hate to be rude, but we've got some schoolwork for the kid."

"It's alright." Kate replied.

"While you're here I'll introduce you to our resident chef, BA LaCarte." Scarlett said as she walked them towards a short bald man with wild hair and a crazy look in his eye.

"BA stands for Bon Appetit." Scarlett explained as she introduced them, "BA, these are Agents Kate Todd and Conrad Hart, they'll be staying with us for a while."

"Oh, the more the merrier." BA said, as he shook Kate's hand and Conrad's hand in turn, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a recipe to check on."

Scarlett waited till BA was out of earshot before commenting, "It's probably an experimental recipe of his."

"Some cooks do like to experiment." Conrad said, "I don't see how that's an insult."

"In BA's case, some of his recipes tend to literally take a life of their own." Scarlett said.

"You can't possibly mean his recipes grow arms and legs and start walking around, do they?" Kate replied, incredulous.

"Well," Scarlett replied, "There was an incident, a classic case of Breakfast at the Pit, where his TW's Tempting Tasty Breakfast Treat came to life...it was something out of the blob."

"TW? What does that stand for?" Conrad asked, chuckling.

"Does it matter? The thing came to life!" Kate commented.

"Well," Scarlett replied, "Low Light, one of the snipers here, thought that TW stood for Toxic Waste."

"Unbelievable." Kate groaned. What the hell kind of madhouse did I land in? Recipes that come to life?

The Pit, Officer's Quarters
Kate Todd and Conrad Hart
13 February 2002, 1935

After a meeting with General Hawk, an orientation by Scarlett and supper both Kate and Conrad had finally moved up to the two person apartment that was incidentally right next door to where Roadblock and Toad shared an apartment.

Conrad had taken the bedroom that was across the way from the bathroom and that was on the other side of the living room and kitchenette that was the largest room in the apartment.

"So, what do you think?" Conrad asked, after he set down the large duffel bag beside his small backpack.

"I'm wondering if we're at the base of an elite military unit or an insane asylum." Kate replied, "I mean within our first half hour on the base a kid takes a joyride on a tank."

"From a certain perspective it is rather funny." Conrad replied.

"Your humor leaves me cold." Kate countered as she set her own rolling suitcase down in the living room.

"I think it's just the thermostat." Conrad joked.

"Very funny." Kate said, "But back to my original question, how did you find that tank incident to be funny?"

"Well, even if the kid is a mutant who can jump very great heights he's still just a kid." Conrad replied, "And what kid hasn't toyed with or attempted a joyride of a vehicle of some sort?"

"I can sort of see your point." Kate replied, "But I don't quite agree with it."

"Well, tomorrow's another day. And if today set the bar for insanity, how much worse could it possibly get?" Conrad asked.

Kate yawned due a combination of time zone differences and just the long day, covering her mouth with her right hand as she said, "Well, I'm going to turn in early. It's been a long day."

"Bien soir." Conrad said, and headed to his own room.

To Be Continued...