Getting to Know BA, Part One

Disclaimer: Same as before. Many thanks for Coldfusion180 and Red Witch for the writing of the Know Your Joe series of fanfics that inspired this particular chapter.

The Pit, Mess Hall
Quick Kick, Short Fuse, Todd Tolansky and BA LaCarte
14 February 2002, 0500

Ugh, five o'clock in the morning. The sun hasn't even come up yet...Todd thought as he walked into the Mess Hall, as part of his punishment for his joyride on the tank the day before.

As he walked into the kitchen BA was already there, whistling a tune as he began mixing ingredients into a bowl. And nearby was an Asian man, wearing a white headband, a red baldric with shuriken holstered in it, and black pants and a blonde haired fellow wearing a green sweater, pants and brown boots carrying a camera.

"And one...two...three...action." Quick Kick said.

"Whoa, what's going on in here, yo?" Toad asked.

"Oh, you must be BA's new kitchen helper." Short Fuse said.

"What a golden opportunity," Quick Kick grinned, "We get to also interview Roadblock's new charge too."

"Interview? For what?" Toad asked, a little sheepish.

"Why for our ongoing TV series, Know Your Joe…" Quick Kick replied with a grin.

"Uhm, sure…" Toad said, nervously, "What do you want me to do?"

"Well, just be you," Quick Kick said.

"Ok." Toad said, "So this ongoing TV series, how many episodes have you guys produced?"

"This is the first one." Short Fuse said.

"Oh...ok." Toad replied.

"Annnd, take 2, action." Quick Kick said with a right handed karate chop.

"How come I got to do the filming?" Short Fuse asked.

"Easy, you lost at the game of HORSE, fair and square, on the basketball court before we went to film today's episode." Quick Kick replied.

"Oh, yeah." Short Fuse grumbled as he hefted the camera and started recording again.

"So, BA, I hear you've got the newest addition to the Pit, one Todd Tolansky added to the roster of kitchen help as a result of yesterday's tank joy ride." Quick Kick began.

"That's true." Short Fuse replied, "but next time we film live let's flip a coin. It's more fair that way."

"But I get to check the coin to make sure it's not a double sided one." Quick Kick replied.

"I wouldn't do that!" Short Fuse countered.

"Sure." Quick Kick said, "So, the first subject of the Know Your Joe series is not an actual soldier, but a crucial player on our team nonetheless as our local Mess Cook, Mr. BA LaCarte."

"Hello out there." BA said, cheerfully waving at the camera, the mixing bowl and spoon still cradled in his left arm.

"So we know BA stands for Bon Appetit, but what is your real name?"

"Bernice." BA said, "For my uncle…"

"Oh-kay...what was he, a female impersonator?" Quick Kick asked.

"Quick Kick, there's a kid in the room." Short Fuse reminded.

"Oh, right, we have to keep this at a generally PG rating." Quick Kick replied, before asking,

"Anyway, BA, what's on the menu?"

"Oh, I'm trying a new recipe." BA replied, as he said to Todd, "Oh, please pass me that jar over there, put about five teaspoons of it in the mixture."

"Uh," Todd said as he picked up the jar, and saw the label read gunpowder, "This is gunpowder…"

"It adds a kick to the recipe." BA said.

"Or gives people explosive stomach gas…" Short Fuse quipped.

BA started to mix it, as Quick Kick asked, "So what's the recipe called?"

"It's called the Gingerbread Gunpowder Scorpion." BA said, "It's going to be the centerpiece of my Gingerbread pancake spread."

"The Gingerbread Gunpowder Scorpion," Quick Kick said, nervously, "Did you come up with this on your own…"

"Actually the recipe was inspired by something from the latest issue of Wanpire Veekly and…" BA said.

"Wait, whoa! Back up, Wanpire Veekly!?" Short Fuse said, "Isn't that the same magazine where you got the idea for TW's Tempting Tasty Breakfast Treat?"

"Uh…" BA began, "You see...this time I followed the instructions to the letter and…"

BLORP!

The sound of something oozing out of the mixing bowl could be heard just then. The mess in the bowl oozed across the floor and then suddenly formed itself into a large scorpion made of gingerbread about the size of a medium sized dog.

It skittered towards them, raising a menacing looking stinger and two pincers.

"BA, is it supposed to do that!?" Short Fuse asked.

"Uh, well I'm not really sure, I kind of got excited reading the article and…" BA began.

The scorpion coiled its stinger back and then Quick Kick said, "RUUNNNNN!"

Quick Kick, BA, Short Fuse and Todd ran out of the kitchen. Well, Todd hopped as opposed to ran, but in either case the scorpion was in hot pursuit…

The Pit, Officer's Quarters
Kate Todd and Conrad Hart
14 February 2002, 0545

Kate had woken up with a start, after all the time difference between the Pit and the East Coast had her awake a lot sooner than she normally would be. That meant she was standing near the living room window overlooking the small courtyard behind the Mess Hall in time to see Quick Kick, BA, Short Fuse, and Toad fleeing from what looked like a giant scorpion.

"What the Hell!?" Kate asked, as she walked closer to the window.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! GINGERBREAD SCORPION ON THE LOOSE!" Short Fuse could be heard screaming.

"KILL IT! KILL IT YO!" Toad shouted as he hopped away as the scorpion's sting jabbed at the empty space where his head had been an instant earlier.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO DO!" Quick Kick shouted.

Several shuriken were sticking out of the giant thing, courtesy of Quick Kick.

"DON'T YOU EAT BUGS?" Short Fuse bellowed.

"NOT SCORPIONS! AIIEEEEE!" Toad shouted.

The sound of the door opening behind her made Kate turn in time to see Conrad Hart walk into the room, wearing shorts, a t-shirt with a Foreign Legion insignia on it, and running shoes and socks.

"Did I miss something?" Conrad asked.

"Evidently breakfast is the most hazardous meal of the day here at the Pit." Kate observed as she pointed out the window.

Conrad headed over to witness the chaos below as the sun began to rise and as the sunlight hit the Gingerbread Scorpion it promptly exploded thanks to the gunpowder and other chemicals in the mixture, spraying dough all over the courtyard.

"Unbelievable." Kate groaned as she jumped back from the window as one of the shuriken embedded itself on the window sill.

"Well, at least we verified Scarlett wasn't joking yesterday afternoon." Conrad replied, "About BA's recipes coming to life."

"And to think yesterday you asked, and I quote, 'And if today set the bar for insanity, how much worse could it possibly get?'" Kate pointed out the window where gingerbread dough was splattered all over the place, "I think you got your answer, and its not even six o'clock yet."

"This is true." Conrad replied, and he was about to speak some more when there was a knock at the door.

Conrad walked over to answer it, in time to see Roadblock standing in the doorway.

"Are you guys alright? To the uninitiated a boom like that could give quite a fright." Roadblock asked.

"Was it by accident or did you just rhyme when you spoke?" Kate replied.

"I'm alright," Conrad replied, and grinning added, "Certainly was something to see at first light."

Kate glared at him, "Not funny. But I'm ok, just a little startled at the strange sight."

Drat. Kate thought as Conrad fixed her with a grin. Now they've got me doing it.

"I have to admit it's a fascinating way to talk." Conrad replied.

"I just talk that way by habit." Roadblock said, "I'm glad you two are doing alright. See you two at breakfast."

Roadblock turned around and walked back to his own apartment and Conrad closed the door.

"I'm wondering what else BA might have made for breakfast this morning." Kate replied, as she headed for the bathroom, grabbing a towel, "I'm tempted to just get a granola bar out of my bag."

"I'm sure it can't be as bad as that giant gingerbread scorpion we just saw." Conrad replied.

"I'm beginning to wonder if you're intentionally tempting fate with statements like that and questions like you asked last night." Kate replied as she closed the bathroom door.

To Be Continued...