Getting to Know BA, Part Two

Disclaimer: Same as before. Major Timothy Kerry, or Tim, appeared in the pilot episode of NCIS, Yankee White.

Author's note: Warning, inspired also by watching Jurassic Park III.

The Pit, The Mess Hall
Flint, Lady Jaye, Kate, Conrad
14 February 2002, 0640

"Looks like our guests are having a lovely literary debate." Flint remarked.

He and Lady Jaye had been assigned to keep an eye on the two agents, to ensure they didn't get into more sensitive areas of the Pit. And they were sitting a table away from where Conrad and Kate set their respective trays of food on.

"That's pretty morbid that you found the fact that the one guy got eaten by the Spinosaurus funny." Kate commented.

"Correction, there, mademoiselle," Conrad replied, "I didn't find the fact that the unfortunate Mr. Nash met his end at the hands, or rather jaws, of the Spinosaurus funny. I found it funny that the satellite phone was consumed along with him."

"Ok, it still entailed the fact that Mr. Nash was eaten by a dinosaur and by extension you're finding his death funny." Kate argued.

"No, first off, if you recall the film adaptation of Dr. Grant's book." Conrad said, holding up said book in his left hand as he spoke, "The rather annoying advertising jingle played and was a sign that the Spinosaurus was hanging around the area. A bit like the crocodile from Peter Pan and eating the clock."

"That story freaked me out as a kid." Kate replied.

"And there was also the fact that they had to do that search for the phone." Conrad chuckled, "Digging through a big pile of dinosaur…"

"Conrad!" Kate admonished, nearly shouting, "We're eating…"

"Ok, then I present my concluding argument as I wasn't laughing at Nash's death, I was laughing about the two incidents afterward involving the satellite phone, the annoying ring tone, and the….aftermath of the Spinosaurus' meal." Conrad replied.

"That is still really morbid that you find that funny." Kate replied.

"Au Contraire mon amie." Conrad replied, "There is some form of humor to be found in that incident."

"Yeah, really sick humor." Kate countered.

Meanwhile Flint and Lady Jaye headed over to the table, drawn in by the lively literary debate the two agents were having. It was a perfect way to keep a close eye on them, without quite seeming like doing so.

"Mind if we join you two?" Lady Jaye asked.

"Certainly." Conrad replied.

"Go ahead." Kate replied.

"We couldn't help but notice that you guys were having a rather lively debate about Dr. Alan Grant's account of Isla Sorna." Lady Jaye began.

"So did half the Mess Hall." Flint replied.

Lady Jaye gave her husband a 'be nice' look before asking, "So what did you think of the book?"

"I never read the book," Kate replied, "I did see the film adaptation though. And its those two scenes that Conrad is laughing at."

"So I gathered." Flint said, "As far as morbid goes, I can see your point, Kate."

Kate fixed Conrad with a triumphant grin before Flint added, "I can also see Conrad's point just as well. In its own way the search for the phone and its location is funny in a grotesque and crude sort of way."

Lady Jaye chimed in, "I did read the book, and I found it a decent read, though I don't quite see the humor Conrad found in the whole satellite phone debacle."

The conversation later turned to the food, after Kate had commented, "These gingerbread flavored pancakes are pretty good."

"If BA sticks to more conventional menu items he tends to have a fair amount of success." Flint observed

"Sadly he has a tendency to experiment." Lady Jaye remarked.

"Yeah," Kate replied, "We saw the firsthand result of that this morning, with the giant scorpion made of gingerbread."

It was around then that BA wandered by the table, "Well Thomas Edison did say genius was ninety nine percent perspiration and one percent inspiration."

"Well you certainly had Quick Kick, Short Fuse, and Todd perspiring." Flint quipped.

At this, Conrad began to laugh. Unfortunately he was in mid sip of a cup of coffee and started coughing and choking. Kate promptly whacked him on the back several times to clear his airway.

"Thank you." Conrad replied, slightly red faced, "I must say that was a well delivered joke Flint."

"So why create a giant scorpion made of gingerbread?" Kate asked, "That's my question."

"Did you notice the large empty place, near the serving line?" BA said.

"Yes, we did." Conrad interjected, "I gather it was for the scorpion."

"What possessed you to think that a scorpion would make an appropriate edible display for breakfast?" Kate asked, incredulous.

"Well, scorpions are the trendiest display for breakfasts according to Wanpire Veekly…" BA said as he held up a magazine.

"Wait, what magazine again?" Kate asked.

"Wanpire Veekly." BA said, before Kate promptly snatched it out of BA's hand.

"You mean Vampire Weekly." Kate countered, as she read the label, "With a post office box in Romania?"

"They have great ideas for recipes." BA protested.

"Yeah, and with quite a few other articles such as Practical Impalement, Exciting Exanguinations, Seven Steps to a Better Dungeon, and Gypsy Curses for Beginners." Kate replied.

"Its recipe section has provided quite some inspiring reading." BA replied.

Kate turned to the appropriate page, after reading through the table of contents, "BA, you were right, it is edible. But weren't you supposed to put a special glaze on it to prevent it from forming itself into a scorpion and chasing everyone around?"

"Uh, I think I missed that section of the article." BA replied.

"I'll say." Kate replied and handed BA his magazine. How you can do that when its labeled in large bold font and in a big red box is beyond me? And it has the recipe for said glaze in it, and explicitly states in two languages that the glaze is to be prepared FIRST? Heck, I noticed all those things when I turned to that page.

Once the chef was safely out of earshot, Kate asked, "Where did you dig up this guy?"

"An underwater COBRA base." Flint replied, "It had been abandoned for some time and BA had been abandoned with it."

"I wonder why?" Kate quipped as she stuck her fork into a couple pieces of the gingerbread pancake.

"BA survived because of his own creativity. However it does mean he does indulge in the odd culinary experiment or two." Flint continued.

"He's certainly got the odd part down." Conrad quipped, "My sort of person."

"Don't tell me you had weird mess cooks in the French Foreign Legion." Kate began.

"We didn't, at least none on the same level as BA." Conrad replied, "But then again he'd have been driven stark raving mad by our breakfast menu. A baguette, coffee and cigarettes tended to be how we started our mornings."

"He'd probably invent exploding baguettes." Kate commented.

"Don't give the man any more insane ideas." Flint replied, with a warning tone, "Knowing BA, he probably would create something to that effect."

Kate looked at her watch, "Seven thirty. And a little over four hours to noon. I wonder what else he's going to create?"

"As long as it's not his Seaweed Surprise, I'll be happy." Lady Jaye replied.

"I hate to be rude, but we do have our first interview with Roadblock in half an hour." Conrad reminded, as he glanced at his own watch.

It was around then that Kate's cell phone chimed. Reaching into her purse and taking a look at the display she gave the others a small smile and said, "I have to take this."

The Pit, Outside the Mess Hall
Kate Todd
14 February 2002, 0733

Kate stepped outside, heading out to the side of the Mess Hall and opened her phone. She smiled as she said, "Hey Tim."

After a brief hello, she said, "I miss you too, and Happy Valentine's Day."

She listened a little more, letting out a slight girlish giggle, "You are too much sometimes, you know that...Hmmm..."

They had been going out for about six weeks by now, half of the time they had known each other while on this Presidential Detail. It was also expressly against the rules for two people on the same detail to date one another, so they had to keep their entire relationship under wraps. Still, stolen little moments like this couldn't be beat.

Kate smiled at the sweet little nothings Tim was saying on the other end of the line in DC and briefly interjected, "I miss you too, baby."

Kate blushed and her smile widened, "Oh I'd love that. I definitely am looking forward to the delayed Valentine's Day celebration you've got planned..."

Hmm, what a perfect little moment. Too bad we're miles apart and everything. I am so looking forward to that Delayed Valentine's Day...Kate thought just before her train of thought was derailed by a shout.

"And Action!" Quick Kick shouted as he, Short Fuse and BA stood outside of the Mess Hall.

Kate cupped her hand over the mouthpiece of her phone to yell, "What the Hell are you guys doing?"

"Filming Part Two of Know Your Joe's episode on BA." Quick Kick replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Didn't you cause enough damage, oh say, over an hour ago when you filmed part one?" Kate asked back.

She lifted her phone back up and said, "Sorry, Tim, just our local idiots filming their base television show. Called Know Your Joe..."

Damn you Roadblock. Kate thought. Now I start rhyming when speaking.

Kate hadn't realized, however, that she had hit the speaker phone button when she had angrily clenched the phone to yell at Quick Kick and thus Tim was being treated to an impromptu audio show of the second part of Know Your Joe's episode on BA.

"So BA, what is your favorite recipe?" Quick Kick asked.

"That's easy, it's called BA's Fifteen Alarm Chilli." BA said, proudly, "To be served at noon today."

"Can you two film this somewhere else, please?!" Kate snapped at them, "Somewhere else as in far, far away!"

"We couldn't get a visa there." Quick Kick countered.

"Ok, " a vaguely disembodied voice coming from Kate's cell phone could be heard, "I am officially curious, what do you mean by fifteen alarm chili?"

"Who's this?" Quick Kick asked, and to Kate's chagrin the camera was now pointed straight at her.

Stupid speaker phone button. Kate thought.

"Major Tim Kerry, US Marine Corps." The voice said, "So how do you get fifteen alarm chili?"

"Easy," BA replied, "Fifteen warnings issued by fifteen different fire departments across the country."

"That explains it." Tim replied, as Kate's complexion reddened yet again, this time due to embarassment.

"So what are the ingredients?" Quick Kick asked, and Short Fuse pointed the camera towards BA again, causing Kate to sigh with relief.

"Beans, chili peppers, red peppers, fire hot chili peppers, onions, seventeen different kinds of meat..." BA replied.

"Where do you get seventeen kinds of meat?" Quick Kick asked.

"Easy, the freeway provides ample amounts and varieties of meat." BA replied.

Kate visibly gagged as she heard this. I am definitely glad I decided to pack snacks and other things in my bag, because I am skipping lunch for certain.

As she stepped away from the scene, turning off the speaker phone mode of her phone as she did so, she raised the phone back up to her ear, "Happy Valentine's Day, Tim, I'll call again later tonight."

She hung up the phone just in time to hear BA say, "I also add two teaspoons of gunpowder to the Fifteen Alarm Chili to give it just that little extra kick."

To Be Continued...