Coffee, Chaos and Questions, Part One
Disclaimer: Same as before.
Agent Todd,
This latest development of a relationship between Tolansky and the Delgato girl is something that's piqued some interest. I caution you, though, to avoid making overly optimistic assessments. For all you know this could be just like any other teenage crush. I ask that you keep overly personal assessments out of future reports.
I do wonder about the remainder of the Delgato family and their influence on Todd as well. Especially some of the reports I've heard about Brittany, Quinn, and Daria Delgato that mention they've been responsible for several additions to the long list of places that Shipwreck is banned from.
Agent Baer
The Pit, Officer's Quarters
Conrad Hart and Kate Todd
21 February 2002, 0645
"What the Hell happened to you?" Kate asked as Conrad walked into the apartment. He was soaking wet, and covered with soap suds. Clutched in his left hand was a thermos.
"Put it this way, mutants and coffee do not mix," Conrad replied as he walked into the apartment and set the thermos onto the kitchen table.
"I figured it had something to do with Todd," Kate replied, "If it didn't I'd wonder how you managed to get soaking wet just checking out the Mess Hall to see what BA was serving."
"As I said, it did have something to do with Todd and mutants and coffee are in fact a recipe for chaos," Conrad replied.
"Ok, what happened?" Kate asked.
"Todd drank some of BA's coffee and went into a great fit of hyperactivity," Conrad replied.
"How can coffee cause an already hyperactive mutant teenager to get even more so?" Kate asked.
"I do believe that the coffee is BA's special blend," Conrad replied.
"What did BA do? Spike the coffee? That sounds more like something Shipwreck would do," Kate replied.
"I'm not sure," Conrad replied, "But whatever he did sure makes it potent."
"Ok, so start at the beginning, how did you wind up looking like a dishwasher exploded all over you?" Kate replied.
"Well, it all started when I went to go check out the menu to see if we should get breakfast at the mess hall…" Conrad began.
The Pit, The Mess Hall
Big Lob, Tunnel Rat, Conrad, Toad
21 February 2002, 0600
Conrad Hart walked into the mess hall as Todd was working with Big Lob, Tunnel Rat, and Cross Country to help set up for breakfast.
"So I ain't seen you around much," Tunnel Rat said to Todd.
"Been hanging around Shipwreck's place lately," Big Lob smirked as he laid out several coffee cups near the beverage table.
"More like his daughter," Tunnel Rat said, smiling.
"Oooh! Someone's got a girlfriend!" Both of them said at the same time.
"Shut up!" Todd said, blushing.
"Ah, young love," Conrad commented as he walked over. Todd turned an even darker shade of pink.
"Got to first base yet?" Big Lob said as he ruffled Todd's hair.
"Come on, guys, cut it out!" Todd said, blushed red now.
"Hey guys, lay off him," Cross Country said as he came over after setting up the last stack of trays, "Kid doesn't need you giving him a hard time now."
"Aw, we're just yanking his chain a little," Tunnel Rat replied, before turning to Todd, "Come on kid! Let's celebrate."
"Hey Big Lob," Tunnel Rat said, "Give me a cup of that coffee."
Big Lob complied and poured four more cups for the others in the room, "Come on kid, have a cup of Joe with the Joes."
Todd cradled the cup of coffee, looking at it and sniffing, "I dunno it smells pretty strong."
"So it'll put hair on your chest!" Big Lob replied.
"Really?" Todd said, eyes growing big.
"Guys, I don't think you should do that," Cross Country said.
"Aw, come on, it's just a little coffee," Tunnel Rat replied, "What harm can it do?"
Todd took a swig. Then another. His eyes began to swim and he gasped, "WHOA!"
After taking a much larger slug from the cup he began to grin…
The Pit, Officer's Quarters
Conrad Hart and Kate Todd
21 February 2002, 0648
"So Todd had the cup of coffee and then what happened?" Kate asked.
"The kid started hopping all over the place, jumped from wall to ceiling to floor," Conrad replied, "We managed to close the front door so he couldn't get outside of it."
"Alright, then how did you wind up soaking wet?" Kate asked.
"I was getting there," Conrad replied, "Well after Todd's impromptu redecoration of the mess hall with toilet paper, whipped cream and paper napkins he wound up getting into the kitchen and started spraying water everywhere from the big sinks in there. We all went in there to try and corral him only to get soaked with dish soap and even more water."
"No way," Kate replied.
"If you think I'm kidding let's go down there and I'll show you I am most assuredly not kidding!" Conrad replied.
"Ok," Kate replied, grabbing her jacket and following Conrad out of the apartment and down the stairs.
After crossing the courtyard into the cafeteria Conrad opened the door and with a flourish said, "After you, mademoiselle."
Just after Kate walked into the cafeteria she saw Roadblock standing in the room and that Conrad hadn't been exaggerating one bit.
"WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE!?" Roadblock bellowed.
"Jesus, Roadblock, you nearly made me deaf as Conrad just now," Kate complained.
"Hey," Conrad protested, "I'm not totally deaf, it's only my left ear that tends to have my hearing come and go."
"Unbelievable," Kate commented as she surveyed the damage.
"Now you see I wasn't joking!" Conrad replied.
BA walked up to the trio standing near the Mess Hall's entrance and responded to Roadblock's question, "Toad the Mutant Tornado."
"WHAT?" Roadblock shouted, "WHY THAT LITTLE…"
"Technically, Roadblock, it's not the kid's fault," Conrad countered.
"How is that the case? Because it looks like the kid's trashed this building on base?" Roadblock replied.
"Well," Tunnel Rat said as he and Big Lob approached, "We just gave the kid a bit of coffee…"
"Coffee?" Roadblock said, "This wouldn't be BA's coffee, would it?"
"Uh…" Tunnel Rat replied.
"Roadblock, wait, what is the deal with BA's coffee?" Kate asked.
Roadblock ignored Kate before continuing, "BA's infamous coffee?"
"Um…" Big Lob said with a gulp.
"BA's Ultimate Eye Opener?" Roadblock continued, advancing on the other two men.
Kate let out a yelp as Roadblock accidentally stepped on her foot. Mr. Gentle Giant over there is really pissed right now if he forgot to apologize. Kate thought.
"Uh…" Big Lob and Tunnel Rat said together.
"BA's coffee that is so strong a single drop of it once drove an anaconda crazy?" Roadblock added as he continued to walk towards Tunnel Rat and Big Lob.
"Uh…"
"A coffee so strong that a single cup can keep a man awake for a week?" Roadblock shouted.
"I'm sure that has to be an exaggeration," Conrad interjected.
Roadblock turned around to glare at him, "No, Mr. Legionnaire, I assure you it isn't."
"Looking back on it, maybe it wasn't the smartest thing we've ever done," Tunnel Rat replied.
"Ya think?" Roadblock shouted, grabbing a fistfull of Tunnel Rat's shirt, "This stuff makes adults wired for days! Imagine what it does to the system of a hyperactive mutant teenager?"
"I think I bore witness to the end result," Conrad whispered to Kate.
"We didn't think he'd drink the whole cup!" Tunnel Rat yelped.
"Yeah," Big Lob added, "What harm would it do?"
"I think Conrad being soaked to the bone is one clue," Kate remarked.
"YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Todd's excited shout resounded through the room.
"I think you're all about to find out," BA interjected.
"I managed to get him contained to the kitchen," Conrad replied, "Just barely."
The fivesome approached the kitchen door, with a chair braced against the doorknob. Through the closed door they could see that bubbles were leaking out onto the floor. After moving the chair aside Roadblock flung the door open in time to see the kitchen covered in bubbles and in the middle of the floor they could all see Todd skating with brushes tied to the soles of his feet.
"Wheeee!" Todd crowed.
After he saw Roadblock and the others he waved and cheerfully said, "Hi guys! I'm helping clean up the kitchen!"
"Oh man," Big Lob replied, mouth falling open.
"Need I explain further, mademoiselle?" Conrad replied, pointing at the sight before them.
Todd reached over to the sink, taking a hose from it and spraying water into the air, drenching the five people near the kitchen entrance.
"Okay Conrad, I'm officially convinced you weren't kidding," Kate replied as she wiped water off her brow, Damn it! I just got this suit dry cleaned before I left!
"Well now, Todd, you're going to do some extra training to work off all that energy!" Roadblock told him.
"Cool!" Todd said, hopping up and down, his head narrowly missing going through the ceiling tiles by a few millimeters.
"Yes, you are going to the obstacle course! The really big one on the other side of base," Roadblock replied, "And these two are going to take you and train with you!"
"What?" Tunnel Rat shouted.
"That's cruel and unusual punishment!" Big Lob protested.
Roadblock glared at them and Big Lob replied, "I mean it's gonna be a lot of fun!"
"Yeah I can hardly wait!" Tunnel Rat said with false enthusiasm, whirling his index finger in the air, "Let's go to the obstacle course!"
"Yippppeeeee!" Todd shouted excitedly as he bounced after them.
"Kid! Take off the brushes first! You're getting soap everywhere!" BA shouted.
Todd complied as Kate thought, As if there isn't soap everywhere already.
"BA, I'll help you clean up, it's safer," Roadblock replied.
"I'll help as well, since I'm already drenched," Conrad added.
"So will I," Kate replied, Baer's probably gonna have me committed to the mental institution over this part of my report.
The Pit, The Mess Hall
Roadblock, BA, Beach Head, Sergeant Slaughter, Conrad, Kate
21 February 2002, 0848
"I can't believe one kid caused all this mess," BA groaned as he dumped yet another bucket of water into the sink.
"I do," Beach Head replied, "The kid is a menace."
"Ok, he's a bit crazy but not a menace," Kate replied, "He is just a kid."
"Well by now most of the caffeine's out of his system," Roadblock replied, "Nothing like hard work to take the fight out of a boy. The obstacle course should calm him down."
"The operative word being should," Conrad quipped as he put a stack of dishes away.
"To be fair, Conrad, maybe it worked," Kate replied as she stacked a few trays and put them into another cabinet.
The sound of a door opening could be heard. Shortly after Todd bounded in with Big Lob and Tunnel Rat in tow.
"THAT WAS GREAT!" Todd shouted.
"Merde," Conrad groaned.
"You were saying, Roadblock?" BA said skeptically.
Tunnel Rat and Big Lob staggered in behind him. In stark contrast to Todd, who looked fresh as a daisy, they were covered in dirt and grime and looked like a fleet of tanks had run over them before reversing to do so again.
"That was great!" Todd shouted, hopping up and down, "Again! I wanna do it again!"
"But you've already done it 26 times," Tunnel Rat groaned.
"The obstacle course is destroyed! There's nothing left!" Big Lob added.
"I wanna train some more!" Todd said, jumping up and down, higher and higher, his head just barely touching the ceiling, "Come on guys, I wanna train some more!"
"Someone please help us…" Tunnel Rat said in agony.
"Well," Sergeant Slaughter said, walking over, "I think I can put that energy to good use."
"Take him. For the love of God! Take him!" Big Lob replied.
"ATTEN-HUT!" Sergeant Slaughter shouted and then Todd promptly popped to attention.
"So you wanna train some more, eh, soldier?" Sergeant Slaughter began.
"Yes sir!" Todd said cheerfully.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Sergeant Slaughter replied.
"YES SIR!" Todd replied.
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Sergeant Slaughter replied, "AND DON'T CALL ME SIR, I WORK FOR A LIVING!"
"YES SERGEANT SLAUGHTER!" Todd shouted at the top of his lungs.
Note to self, wear earplugs next time Todd's on a caffeine high, Kate thought.
"I've got just the thing in mind," Sergeant Slaughter said, with a grin. Guiding Todd by one arm to the nearest window he pointed, "See that mountain there, soldier? We're gonna climb it, with nice little twenty pound knapsacks on our backs."
"THAT'S GREAT! I CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED!" Todd shouted.
"Now that's the attitude I wanna see," Sergeant Slaughter replied.
"Sarge, don't kill the kid!" Roadblock replied.
"Don't worry, I'm sure nice little hike up and down a mountain should wind his batteries right down," Sergeant Slaughter said as they left.
"Ok, five will get you fifteen that Sergeant Slaughter runs the kid into the ground," Tunnel Rat replied.
"I dunno," Big Lob said, "Make it a double and you've got yourself a bet."
"Deal," Tunnel Rat replied.
"Ten for twenty that Todd runs Sergeant Slaughter into the ground," BA said.
"Same for me," Conrad replied, only for Kate to elbow him in the ribs.
"I don't believe this," Kate replied, with noticeable chagrin, "You guys are actually betting on whether Todd runs Sergeant Slaughter into the ground or vice versa.
"Hey, it's possibly a way to make a few bucks," Conrad quipped.
"You've seriously gone native," Kate replied.
BA chuckled as he walked up to them, "You'll find out that at any given time there's at least a dozen betting pools going on around this base."
"Let me guess, Shipwreck is running most of them?" Kate replied.
"He's in on some and started a few, but not as many as you think," BA replied with a grin.
Baer's gonna have a heart attack about this, Kate thought.
Conrad laughed and Kate turned towards him, "What's so funny?"
"You have to admit, one kid on a caffeine high causing this much damage is funny in a weirdly demented sort of way," Conrad replied.
"I see your point, warped as it is," Kate replied.
"I'm sure both of our reports are going to be amusing reads for our respective bosses," Conrad replied.
"Maybe for your boss, if he's got a sense of humor," Kate replied.
"She, actually," Conrad corrected, "She does have a sense of humor, though she does wonder what sort of madhouse I've wandered into."
"Well you're lucky," Kate replied, "Agent Baer isn't known for a sense of humor."
"Sounds like it," Conrad replied.
"I'm convinced he doesn't have one," Kate replied, "I'm going up to the apartment to get changed. What did you put in that thermos, by the way?"
"A bit of BA's Coffee, of course," Conrad grinned.
"Why?" Kate asked.
"No point in wasting it," Conrad replied with a droll shrug.
"Ok, now it's official: you've gone native," Kate replied as she walked out of the Mess Hall.
To Be Continued...