Summer slowly turns into autumn. The trees in the lower forest turn yellow and red, and the green gradually fades. Sunny days, coloured with intense blue skies, alternate with rainy ones, when the mountains disappear in fog and clouds. On the former, Alluka climbs the high meadows and peaks with Oniichan – she is disconsolate when she discovers that the fireweeds no longer blossom, but at the same time she decides to see them again next year – on the latter, she goes to the hospital, where she often spends many hours.

She observes the work of doctors in treating various fractures and other injuries, takes part in different courses, and sometimes – at the request of the staff – tells the patients about her recovery and rehabilitation process, too. Some people don't believe her, so she shows them a barely visible scar on her right shoulder – a surgery scar. They don't believe her when she talks about returning to the mountains, either, but for others she is an example that even after an accident one can maintain their love for climbing. She feels a little guilty because she realises that, unlike other people, she feels practically no fear – but on the other hand, in conversations she always emphasizes that everyone should, first of all, listen to themselves and their own emotions.

When she's in the hospital, Oniichan sometimes spends the entire day alone at home – and that's how it's supposed to be. Firstly, Alluka wants to give him time to think, and secondly, she wants to wean him from her presence. She wants to let him understand some things and, at the same time, remind him that he too has his own life. Since that conversation after the birthday party, Alluka doesn't mention Gon again. She sees no need for this. This is a matter that Oniichan must solve himself. She helped him as much as she could – she considers getting him to confide in her as a real success – but the rest is up to him. One cannot reveal to another person conclusions that they must come to himself.

So they discuss all other topics – they never lack them, and even talking about the weather can be extremely fascinating – but they focus on the present and the future, that they can decide for themselves.

"Oniichan, is there a place you would most like to visit? Will we go there someday?"

"Do you think we can stay here until next summer? I didn't look at the fireweeds as much as I wanted..."

"So, did you like that novel? I was surprised that the man knew from the very beginning who the murderer was..."

"I've grown this year, look, the sleeves have gotten shorter. I'll need a new coat."

"This sheep milk cheese is delicious! Do you think they do it in other places too? We must buy some for later."

"I don't think my life could be happier. Thank you, Oniichan…"

Killua thought he would get over it. That after the wave of memories, confessions and thoughts provoked by Alluka – which was not such a bad experience – he would forget about Gon again and resume living together with her sister, especially now that Alluka had recovered. No chance. Was it because of her comment that they should meet? Or was it simply that his mind, once pushed down these tracks, was unable to get off them?

Killua has too much time to think, but even if he tries to keep himself busy, it only helps for a moment before his attention returns to Gon. He still recalls the year and a half they spent together. He wonders what he did wrong so that everything ended. And maybe sometimes he actually tries to think about whether Alluka was right... but then he remembers that the decision has been made, dividing his life into two periods: still with Gon and no longer with Gon.

He wonders what Gon is doing now – where is he, what is he doing? Did he stay with his dad or set out for another adventures, alone? Or did he meet with Kurapika or Leorio? Has he regained his ability to control Nen? Does he train? Did he return to Whale Island to his family?

When he thinks about Gon, his heart warms because Gon was the best thing that ever happened to him. After some time, he stops resisting these thoughts – he tells himself that the sooner he processes them, the sooner he will regain balance. However, this doesn't happen – on the contrary, he seems to descend into more and more madness when he soon discovers that Gon not only occupies his mind during the day but has also infiltrated his dreams. He doesn't remember their content – only their atmosphere: sometimes funny, sometimes serious, sometimes gentle, sometimes violent – but after waking up, he knows with complete certainty that they were about Gon. He only has peace when he is with Alluka – he can focus on her fully – but the weather prevents them from hiking in the mountains, so Alluka spends most of her time in the hospital.

Is focusing on another person the only option to live his life? Does he only feel good when his thoughts and actions are devoted to a specific person? He was given two of them – and he chose Alluka because she needed him. However, if at some point Alluka wants to break out of this symbiosis he has created between them... What will he do then? How will he exist without a recipient of his feelings on the other end... without someone with whom he shares a deep bond? This prospect makes him feel terrible. And the truth is that Alluka has already started to look for her – only her – path, which is completely understandable and obvious. After all, no siblings live together until death.

Killua remembers that once – at one point in his life, when Gon was still in it – he had a thought, clear and determined, 'I want to stay with you forever.' He had no idea if it was possible, but there is no doubt that it was what he desired.

And now, even though they are physically separated, Killua still can't get Gon away from him. Actually, he doesn't even try anymore – he has accepted that he is powerless in this matter, and maybe he even feels better in this situation than when he didn't think about him at all.

Until one autumn morning he wakes up in a moment of sexual satisfaction and realizes that he also dreamed about Gon that night.

When Oniichan doesn't show up for breakfast, Alluka peeks into his room. "Are you sick?" she asks, although she's not really sure if Oniichan can get sick at all, even in such miserable weather as today.

Oniichan sticks his head out from under the covers and looks at her with some confusion, as if he'd just returned from another reality, which is not a new sight at all. "No," he replies. "I'm fine, but I have some things on my mind that I need to think about. Don't worry about me, I'll eat later. Are you going out today? Don't forget your umbrella."

So Alluka eats breakfast alone – she sets his portion aside – and then leaves for the hospital, safe from the rain under a big yellow umbrella. Drops clatter against its material and sometimes fall from its edges, and there is the typical rustle all around as water splashes on leaves, roofs and stones. Normally, Alluka would stop every now and then to listen to what the rain is singing about, but today her mind was occupied.

Recently, Oniichan has been more and more lost in thought – to such an extent that once he tried to eat soup with a fork, and another time he answered a question about their plans for the next trip with the contents of a shopping list – but that's fine. Alluka hopes that his even deeper contemplation will finally bring the expected result. She doesn't ask anything, she just observes. She follows him with her eyes as Oniichan sits in the armchair, looking distracted, as he stands by the window and supposedly stares at the mountains but doesn't actually see them. When sometimes he smiles to himself and other times he looks so sad that Alluka wants to go and hug him. And today Oniichan even forgot about breakfast...

Alluka is happy that they are able to spend time apart. Even though Oniichan is the person she loves most in the world, it is completely clear to her that one day their paths will diverge. Alluka is becoming more and more specific about her plans for the future and at the appropriate moment – when Oniichan has completed her mental work – she intends to talk about them. For now, she is taking full advantage of the learning opportunity.

Being in the hospital gives her a lot of joy. She never gets tired of watching treatment procedures but also the contacts of doctors and physiotherapists with patients. She is happy to help sick people with everything they need – dressing, eating, writing messages to family, exercising. Sometimes she reads books to them (and she knows she's much better at it than Oniichan). Sometimes she motivates them to work in order to regain their health. Sometimes she only listen as they talk about the fearful moments they spent in the mountains – after dark, in a dangerous place, injured, maybe even after the tragic loss of a loved one.

In every situation, she tries to encourage them and support hope. As a person who was stuck in darkness for many years, with her only companion being in her head, and who was then saved, she knows that everything can turn for the better and that is why it's worth continuing to live. Therefore, it is worth believing that one day a person will wake up with the feeling that all the bad is behind them, already in the past.

There is nothing strange about sex dreams – Killua has been through this a long time ago. He is fourteen years old male, and despite his difficult childhood, his basic body functions are completely normal.

What is not normal is to relate these basic functions to Gon.

Killua is absolutely certain, and would die for that belief, that he never – never! – felt sexually attracted to his friend. (He didn't feel so to anyone else, either, but that's not the point.) He is able to say this even now, after waking from a dream that contents he doesn't remember but that left him with an impression of extraordinary bliss and that undoubtedly included Gon at its centre. The best thing to do would be to ignore this incident – and all future ones. Since he dreams about Gon every night, it must have clashed with normal physiology and the effect was this.

But Killua – who sometimes wishes he could unscrew his own head – can't ignore it. No, it's not that: this event provokes him into another wave of thoughts and analyses, although he is more confused than ever before.

For the first time in his life, Killua Zoldyck begins to wonder if his attachment to Gon Freecss was something different – something more, something deeper – than he had always believed. What causes him the biggest problem is his complete lack of discernment.

Having been born into that particular family and having received such an upbringing, Killua never had the opportunity to experience normal relationships with other people. The terrible experiences of his childhood made it impossible to create any emotional bonds with his parents. Silva and Kikyo's childhood was probably exactly the same, as were their parents', and so on down the generations – and maybe it was intentional, maybe the only emotion an assassin should have is loyalty to his family – but even if one can understand it, they don't necessarily have to accept it.

Killua had his first normal conversation with his father when he was twelve. Previously, Silva Zoldyck was simply a family leader and a teacher to him. Killua respects his father for his strength, skills and authority – just like he respects his grandfather – but feels no attachment to him. He knows that Silva sees him not as a child, but as a descendant, as an extension of family traditions – in other words, as a figure with a use.

Killua's relationship with his mother – a woman who at the same moment declared love and administered another dose of poison – is even worse. Killua finds Kikyo so repulsive that it triggers his aggression. To this day, he doesn't regret cutting up her beautiful face and hopes he never has to see her again.

It is similar with older brothers, whom Killua primarily perceives as torturers. How could he establish any connection with them if all he received from them was physical and mental suffering… if he caused them to feel jealousy (Milluki) and a desire to control (Illumi), upon which did they act?

Killua had no idea about normal relationships – the only thing he could do after running away from his family was to turn away from everything he'd experienced from the Zoldycks. To recognize it as evil, twisted – and act differently.

When Alluka thinks about the passage of time, she is amazed that not yet a year and a half of her new life has passed, as so much has been included in these several months! She learned colours and shapes. She learned the names of plants and the habits of animals. She experienced seasons and weather phenomena. She saw various sceneries and was delighted with each one. She lived in a large city on the seashore and in a small town surrounded by a forest. She experienced the joy of interacting with art and the delight of physical activity.

She doesn't even regret the mountain accident because it enabled her to do what had previously seemed difficult, perhaps even impossible: forming bonds with people other than Oniichan.

Of course, they met people from the beginning – neighbours, sellers, staff, participants of outdoor games – and Alluka was able to talk to them, but she was unable to get emotionally close to them. It was easier to observe animals and look at flowers, cook and immerse herself in the world of books. The people, while always friendly, seemed to be a group that she and Oniichan neither had access to nor wanted it. Alluka knew how different the two of them were from others – primarily in the past that shaped them in a specific way.

It was here, in the hospital, that she found the peace and joy that are only possible in an open relationship with another person. When she had to put herself in the position of someone to accept the help and effort of others, she discovered that she could do it – and that it was not scary. As a patient, she was involved in the recovery process just as much as the people who took care of her and helped her. Then, as a recovered person, she was given the opportunity to do the same for others – and what a wonderful experience it turned out to be!

Sometimes a touch of a hand, sometimes a smile, sometimes verbal praise or thanks... When the barriers that a person sets up around themselves – so early that they don't even remember it afterwards – are bombarded with such messages every day, then they inevitably fall down. Alluka discovers that she can do something that brings her deep satisfaction – and not for herself, but for others. Thanks to this, she finally begins to feel part of the world, and not just a guest from another reality who dropped in here for a moment.

Today she helps change dressings again. One of the patients is a cheerful young man, a few years older than her, who slipped on the trail and fell several meters. He suffered numerous fractures that required surgical treatment. Despite the accident, he tries to approach his situation with humour and doesn't lose his good mood.

"With such a lovely nurse tending to me, I'm sure I'll get better faster," he says and winks at Alluka.

"I'm not a nurse," Alluka answers truthfully, although she's pleased.

"And you should," says the patient, looking appreciatively at the fresh dressing.

Alluka doesn't say anything, just nods.

Turning away from what Killua's family had taught him about people and relationships meant developing qualities such as respect, understanding and the ability to trust. Killua is not stupid, and he realizes that if he didn't have the predisposition for it, he would never succeed – he would be like Illumi, who in his eyes is the complete denial of humanity. Killua, however, is different from the Zoldycks – perhaps precisely in the ability... no, the capacity to experience deeper feelings and act on them. The older he gets, the more he appreciates it.

His relationship with Gon was the first relationship Killua had after leaving home. Over time, he became completely involved in it – in this friendship, because that was the only way he could call it. He wanted to give as much as he could – and in his mind, that meant being willing to do anything, absolutely anything. He knew that if needed, he would kill for Gon, He knew that if needed, he would die for Gon. It was natural, obvious and normal for him. There were no limits, no gradations, no thresholds beyond which friendship turned into something else. There were no warnings like, 'Hey, now you've gone too far.'

And Gon accepted him, too, accepted him with everything Killua had given him. He never said, 'I don't want it', or, 'It can't be like this anymore,' or, 'I don't like it.' Their relationship was wonderful reciprocity and understanding, at least until the ants. If Gon had given him some sign, a warning, then maybe Killua – who knew a lot about the world, but had no idea about the most important things – would have realised that normal people don't feel like that... but he hadn't at any point; on the contrary, he repeatedly assured how happy he was of their friendship, how good he felt being together, how he wanted Killua and no one else. Hearing it, Killua always felt embarrassed, but deep down it filled him with great happiness.

Killua had never had a normal relationship in his life, so he couldn't in any way recognise such – or its opposite. Only now is he starting to reflect on his words, his emotions, his desires – everything he had addressed to Gon during the year and a half they had known – reanalysing them to discover if there was more to them than he thought.

Is friendship thinking only about the other person and doing everything with them in mind? Always putting their well-being first, without caring about your own benefit or safety? Tuning into their moods and being sensitive to their reactions, gestures, words?

Is friendship the desire to be with another person forever? Willingness to, in the worst case scenario, commit suicide and die together with them? Bringing yourself to the brink of a nervous breakdown with the belief that you mean nothing to them and you can't help them in any way?

Is friendship such a painful feeling of disappointment and abandonment that you want to erase the other person from your memory and life? Feeling like your heart would jump out of your chest every time someone mentions their name? Succumbing to madness and immersing yourself in waking memories and erotic dreams at night, even though everything is over between the two of you?

Killua doesn't know, but he thinks that such a friendship might have another name.

Oniichan has become so lost in thought that he and Alluka only exchange occasional remarks. He moves like in a fog, and it's clear he can't focus on anything. He's completely absorbed in his inner world.

Alluka smiles and leaves him food and prepares clean clothes. She reminds him to brush his teeth and air his room before night. She takes over the role of an older sister and doesn't feel bad about it – she finally has the opportunity to repay him for all the care she received from him over the last year and a half, and before.

The mountains got covered with snow, and although Alluka looks at the whitened peaks with some longing, something warns her that she should stop at looking. Maybe she developed some self-preservation instinct (well, better late than never) –- or she just heard enough about hiking in winter being much more dangerous than in summer.

"Have you ever gone skiing?" a physiotherapists asks one day.

"I did cross-country skiing in the lake country."

"But did you ski down the mountain? It's something different."

Alluka suddenly has no words and just shakes her head.

Her interlocutor smiles broadly. "You should definitely try it, you'll like it."

"It's just that... I wouldn't want to end up here as a patient again," Alluka replies in a weak voice.

"But there's a ski school near the slope where you can learn. Since you've already been cross-country skiing, it won't take you long."

Alluka returns home, her head filled with exciting visions of skiing down the white slopes as well as a realistic assessment of her own (zero) skills. However, if there are ski schools – which is logical, everyone had to learn it at some point, after all – then she has no doubt that she will manage, too.

"Oniichan, can I sign up for a downhill skiing course?" she asks over dinner.

"Sure you can," Oniichan replies.

"Thank you! I'll go there tomorrow and have a look."

"You know what? Maybe I'll take a walk with you."

When they go to the slope the next day, Oniichan looks around the snow-covered area in amazement. "So winter has already come... Look, we forgot about hats and scarves."

As soon as Killua comes to the conclusion that his feelings for Gon may have been of a different nature than he'd thought, he is so horrified that he immediately takes a step back and begins to deny himself.

Gon and him are just friends.

Gon meant everything to Killua because he was simply the only person Killua had formed a friendship with. That this friendship was so intense is completely understandable. When someone showed him affection, it was completely normal that Killua would become involved in the relationship and respond with an equally strong affection. Gon took over his full attention because Killua knew he had to – and wanted to – help him with anything. He did everything with Gon in mind, because Gon was sometimes so ignorant that Killua's help was indispensable. He put Gon first because he simply cared about him – he didn't want to lose him: the only friend he had ever made.

Gon and him are just friends.

He was with Gon all the time, so he instinctively, unconsciously analysed his gestures, looks and expressions. He got to know Gon enough to even understand his train of thought. He's aware that there is no one in the world who knows Gon better than him – except maybe his aunt – but that is only because of the weeks, months, year, year and a half they spent together. It's no wonder he was attuned to Gon's moods, especially in combat where one mistake could mean the difference between life and death.

Gon and him are just friends.

He wanted to stay with Gon forever because Gon was the best thing that happened to him. Killua was happy around him because whatever they did, they had fun. With Gon, Killua was never bored and every day seemed like a new adventure. Gon was kind, cheerful, sometimes naive to the point of absurdity, but above all, extremely strong and determined. Killua felt that when he was together with Gon, his life became valuable and full. Over time, they got to know each other so well that they understood one another without words. It was obvious that Killua would never want to be separated from someone like that.

Gon and him are just friends.

And in the same way, life without Gon – or without his friendship – seemed an unbearable prospect back then during the fight with the ants. When Gon sidelined him, it was Killua's worst dreams come true. Maybe he reacted too emotionally then, but it wasn't really surprising since at that stage Gon had become his whole world and the last thing Killua would want was to lose his friendship.

Gon and him are just friends.

But… Are they even that any more?

When the trips to the mountains ended, Alluka really missed physical activity, so downhill skiing gives her great pleasure. On an almost flat slope, learning to turn and stop is not difficult, and after just a few days Alluka is able to ski by herself on undemanding slopes. Oniichan, of course, does much better, but he generally does everything well, so there is no need to get angry at her own slow learning pace that – thanks to previously acquired skills – is not that slow after all.

It's great to be gliding over white, sparkling snow under a blue sky again, although this particular type of skiing requires more concentration than cross-country, so she can't look around and admire the view too much. Alluka is initially worried about Oniichan, but it turns out that when he needs to do something, Oniichan can concentrate fully, no matter how distracted he gets in his free time.

Of course, the conditions are not always favourable for practicing 'white madness', as skiing is called here. As is typical in winter, periods of fine weather alternate with blizzards, when it is better not to leave the house at all. Alluka is able to organise her time well, and waits until the sun comes out again to run to the slope and cover even longer and longer routes. She learned to remember to wear a hat and gloves.

"I think we've come to a place again where winter lasts way too long," says Oniichan one day.

"You don't like winter?"

Oniichan shrugs. "I've never thought about it. I simply think that a winter lasting half a year is ridiculous."

"But it's only January," Alluka points out. "And it started only in November."

"But it will probably last until March or April, which will be almost half a year."

"Well, I am happy: I'll be able to ski longer."

Oniichan rolls his eyes, then looks back at her. "How come you got interested in skiing, actually?" he asks.

"I was told it was great fun," Alluka replies with a smile.

Oniichan nods. "And, of course, you haven't had enough of it yet?"

"Enough? I'm just getting started." Alluka turns her head and looks at the sunny peak with the weather station, where the highest and the most difficult ski slope is. "I'll have enough when I get down from there," she declares, but then she realizes that she's being foolish. "No. I don't think I'll ever get tired of skiing."

Are Gon and him still friends?

How stupid Killua is to assume such a thing.

Gon said that no matter where they were, they would always be friends... but that was a year and a half ago. During such time, anything can happen and friendship can disappear completely... especially without contact. Killua – despite his promises – did not write, didn't give any sign of life at all. What is he counting on? Gon must have thought that Killua had completely forgotten about him – and worse still, Killua had indeed.

It wouldn't be surprising if Gon decided to do the same, that is erase Killua Zoldyck from his memory, having decided that he didn't want to know him anymore. The thought is absolutely unbearable, but what else could he expect? And although Killua should know that Gon Freecss is a different type of person than him – above all, about a thousand percent less insecure about his own feelings and interpersonal relationships – it is very easy to believe that even he must have some limits of patience and understanding. Killua is quite certain that he has long since crossed them.

Now more than ever he understands that he doesn't deserve Gon's friendship. He has always been unworthy of it, and his recent actions have further proven that. Whatever the reason – which after so many months, after a year, after a year and a half seems nothing more than frivolous sulking – he had sealed the end of their relationship with his own hands. And it shouldn't fill him with such despair – after all, when he said goodbye to Gon, he was determined that it would be a permanent separation.

Isn't it true?

He doesn't know, but he turned it into truth anyway. And he has no idea what he will do now that (he feels like) he has lost half of himself. No, think again. He will be with Alluka, just like he decided, and at least this one promise he intends to fulfil. He vowed to protect Alluka and Nanika, and that's lifelong commitment. In fact, nothing has changed in that years and a half, and he should stick to that.

If only he would stop thinking about Gon.

If only he would stop dreaming about him.

If only he would stop remembering every moment they spent together.

If only he could go back to that state from a year ago when he didn't remember him.

If only he could turn back time to that August when they parted under the World Tree and do everything differently.

If only he could change the past and never meet Gon.

No.

He would rather never be born than live and never meet Gon.

The days are getting longer, and the air is starting to smell different – or so it seems to Alluka, who has this strange, restless feeling inside and knows exactly what it means. Although she enjoys skiing on white slopes and will never say that she doesn't like winter, she has not forgotten that extraordinary experience of spring. She secretly hopes that she will be able to experience it again.

It's late March when she finally manages to complete the longest and most demanding ski run – and with the slopes about to close, she repeats the feat as many times as she can. When she glides at great speed through the blinding white snow, when the spruces on the edge of her vision blur into a dark green blur, when the surface disappears from under her feet, only to reappear there after landing – then Alluka is so happy that she wants to scream, but it's prohibited in the mountains to avoid triggering an avalanche. Her joy does not become any smaller because of this.

During one of last days, she and Oniichan witness an accident on the slope. Fortunately, it is not so dangerous that the life of an unlucky skier is in danger, but a broken leg requires treatment. Alluka administers the first aid – using the sticks of the injured as well as hers and Oniichan's scarf, she manages to stabilize the broken limb – and then they wait for the helicopter that has already been called to transport the wounded to the hospital.

"I guess it's the end of my skiing career," the boy says moodily; he's not much older than Alluka.

"Don't even think like that," Alluka replies. "You'll heal your fracture and come back here next winter."

"I'm not sure if I can…"

"Of course you can."

Alluka once again tells about her accident and the help she received in her recovery. About the fact that the injury didn't weaken her love for the mountains and her desire to return to them. That a young body and a young mind heal quickly as long as one thinks positively.

The longer she talks, the more starry the boy's gaze becomes, and when the helicopter finally comes, he is in a much better mood. "So I hope to see you here next year," he says. "And in more happy circumstances."

Alluka nods and hands her patient over to the paramedics.

As the helicopter flies away, Oniichan says, "You didn't tell him you could meet much earlier, at the hospital," and he doesn't seem thrilled about it.

"Ah, true. I'll have to pick up our scarves," replies Alluka in an innocent voice.

Killua can't forget about Gon. He struggles with it, but, in truth, he doesn't really want to forget. He tortures himself with the realisation that he will never see him again – but at the same time, he remembers the time they spent together over and over again. And every day, more and more dangerously, he wonders what would happen if...

He knows that such thoughts make no sense – and he is angry with himself because he always considered himself a person who did not do senseless things. On the other hand... if it won't happen anyway, what will stop him from having such ideas?

They could be together. Take part in tournaments, practice skills, and fight another enemy if necessary, just like before. Travel the world, just the two of them, focused only on each other and attuned to each other. If they were together, Killua has no doubt that the rift caused by Gon's transformation in the fight against the ants would be overcome and everything would return to normal between them. Killua would have what made him whole again: Gon's friendship and Gon's presence.

But would that be enough? Sometimes it seems to him that he would like that Gon did like him: put Killua at the centre of his world – and he doesn't believe that would ever happen. Only Killua Zoldyck could make his single friendship an obsession; Gon Freecss is much more normal and finds room for many people in his life.

Killua remembers that embarrassing scene in the palace when he completely fell apart in front of Palm – what's worse, he's sure he would react exactly the same in a similar situation now, too – and the words he heard then. Palm said, 'You're the one Gon needs the most.' And although he spent a year and a half convincing himself that it was a misjudgement on Palm's part, now that he has nothing to fear, he clings to the vision in which he, Killua Zoldyck, is indeed the one Gon Freecss needs most. He can see Gon in his mind, with a serious look in his brown eyes – eyes that only stare at him and only want to see him – that gives him proof of this in some way. And as he imagines this, his heart beats so hard that it feels like it's going to jump out of his chest, his breathing is so fast that he's gasping for air, and an unbearable heat spreads throughout his body.

Not for long.

He has no right for that. He has no right to imagine such things about Gon, whom he left behind. And he has no right to imagine such things for the sake of Alluka, with whom he promised to spend his whole life.

So he forbids himself from having such visions and actually manages to cut himself off from them during the day (he has no control over his dreams). He focuses on everyday life with Alluka, knowing that this is his life and it will always be like that.

Sometimes, however, he comes back to the thought that maybe there was fear behind all his actions – that one day friendship will no longer be enough for him and that Gon will never reciprocate his feelings in this way.

Nanika has to accept that Killua barely speaks to her – it's as if he forgot all about her. Alluka reassures her that Killua has a lot of things on his mind, that he hardly remembers her either, he is so deep in thought, but says that it is also good. Nanika isn't sure, but she believes Alluka.

Oniichan will go his way, and we will go ours.It should be like that.We won't be with him for the rest of our lives.

I'm sad. But I'll always be with you, that's good.

Of course we will always be together.And we'll see him whenever we can.I don't think it will be much different from the current situation...

You are mad?

I'm not mad.It was a sarcasm.

I don't know.

I'm not mad.What I meant was that he's so lost in thought right now that it's like he weren't even here, so once he's really gone, we won't notice the difference.

You're not sad?

I guess I'm not.What I want most in the world is for him to be happy.And it's not me who can make him happy, only someone else.Someone Oniichan loves.

Killua loves you. Killua loves me.

We are his family, and that's different.You don't spend your whole life with your family, only with your loved one.

Do you want a loved one?

I?No, probably not.I have you, so why would I need someone else?No, I can't even imagine that.

I'm happy.

That's good.But you know what I just thought?That someday you'll get another person besides Oniichan who will talk to you.

I don't know.

I'm sure you'll like him.He's really nice and will definitely like you.After all, you saved his life and he was very grateful to you.Same as Oniichan.

Where is he now?

My answer to that is: still not where he should be.