Chapter 10

Elizabeth cast a quick glance in Nathan's direction as he headed towards the office to continue his talk with Chloe and was rewarded with a look full of so much love that she felt her knees begin to give way, her heart beating so fast she thought she may pass out. Dare she hope? He had said he would wait, that she was to tell him when she was ready, but surely there would eventually be a time when even the most patient of men would give up. Not Nathan, she told herself, there was so much honour and deeply felt passion about him that she knew….once he gave his heart he would wait as long as it took. "I promise that won't be long my darling", she whispered under her breath.

"Did you say something Elizabeth?" Abigail's voice cut through her reflection and she quickly replied, "I said I can't wait any longer to find out what has happened between you and Bill. He is a sly horse. I spoke with him on the way here and he was quite adamant that there was no chance of anything happening between you two". Then after a small pause she added, "and you said much the same thing! What has changed?"

Abigail gave her a half smile, the sort that comes from being sure of something within yourself but with an uncertainty as to whether you should share it with anyone yet. That you wanted to keep it to yourself for just a bit longer in case it was all a dream. But this was Elizabeth and she knew that anything to do with Bill and her being together would delight her.

"Let's get ourselves a cup of coffee and then go upstairs to chat", she said, giving another mischievious smile as she turned, leaving Elizabeth wondering if there was more to this than she had thought as she scampered to keep up with her friend.

Nathan had walked away from the lounge not sure what to think he just knew he was feeling happier than he could remember being before. Something had definitely changed with Elizabeth, with how she felt about him. She had all but admitted it. One part of him was almost floating in the air as he realised that after all this time maybe, just maybe, she was finally seeing him for who he was. It was all he could do to contain his emotions but he knew he still had an important job to do, there was a little girl and her siblings who needed his help to get them through a traumatc experience.

When he walked back into the small office he could feel a shift in the atmosphere there and said a silent thank you to Lillian for how she had managed to settle the young girl and make her feel comfortable about speaking to him. Chloe was curled up on the window seat, a blanket over hear and a look of childish innocence on her face. This is how it should be for her, he thought.

He turned towards Lillian who was working at the desk beside her and it was only then he noticed the fingers peeking out from under the blanket, firmly grasping hold of the woman's skirt. How hard it must be for someone so young to lose all the security they had known in life. He knew from experience that even a dysfunctional parent offered stability in a strange way. They were what you knew and everything else in your life emanated from that point. Take it away suddenly and it would feel like being cast adrift on the ocean as you struggled to find an anchor somewhere.

Although younger than Chloe when she came to him, Allie had been just like that. He may have been a familiar person but his job had taken him away from his family and so in the eyes of a four year old was just an occasional visitor. How must she have felt to suddenly be taken away from everything else she knew with someone who was almost a stranger?

But there was love, he thought. It was what he relied on to get them through those early days. He could feel it within the walls of this orphanage. Each child who entered here had suffered some loss in their young lives and slowly the loving family that Lillian and Grace had created wrapped their loving arms around them until they finally felt home again. Love and trust. They were powerful things, he thought, and something that had to be treated with great care. For once lost it was difficult to ever get either of them back. Was he ready to do that with Elizabeth? Was Allie?

Lillian looked up from the ledger she was working on then, a look of concern on her face which immediately made Nathan think something bad must have happened. "Has she said something? You look worried."

She quickly felt a smile creep across her face as she glanced down at the sleeping girl, so peaceful as she slept. "No, she is fine, Nathan. But there is so much for her to get over it may take some time. I just hope she has the strength for it." Then waving her hands over the book in front of her she added, "There is never enough money to do what we would like for the children and now with seven more I am trying to figure out the best way to make what we do have stretch even further. People have been so kind and generous but we cannot expect that to continue forever."

Nathan knew that the orphanage always struggled and were it not for the generosity of many people then the two sisters would have had to close the doors quite some time ago. But there had to be a way to give them some security for the future. It was amazing that despite the daily struggle they had they never let it show in front of the children. For each of the orphans this was home and it always would be, for as long as they needed it.

"I think that perhaps after Christmas we need to all get together and figure out a way to take some of that worry away from you Lillian. It is too big a burden for you to carry alone."

Chloe had not stirred in the time they were speaking and he felt loathe to disturb her. Almost as if she could read his mind Lillian said, "Don't wake her Nathan, let her have a little longer without worry. The truth will come out eventually, it doesn't have to be this minute."

He nodded, knowing that this was exactly what the girl needed. "I agree, I can wait. In fact, there may be a way for me to find out what happened without having to put Chloe through any more questioning. I will need to speak to her brother, Joe, if that's okay with you."

"So you've noticed his behaviour too? I was watching him when Chloe came to speak to you from the breakfast table. There was fear in his eyes. But there was more than that. It was almost as though he was trying to hide something. His guilt, perhaps?"

Nathan nodded in agreement, "That is exactly what I need to ask him."

For the second time that day Elizabeth found herself sitting at the end of the upstairs hallway, this time sipping the cup of coffee that Abigail had just put into her hand. She could feel the excitement in her friend and was finding it difficult to be patient. "So, tell me. What has happened with you and Bill?"

"I'm more interested in what went on up here when you were talking with Nathan," Abigail replied, not giving away anything in her expression. "There was a perceptible change in how you were with each other. Everyone could see that."

Elizabeth knew how good Abigail was at steering a conversation in the direction she wanted but this time she was not going to let that happen. "No you don't! I asked first. For two people who were adamant that their "ship had sailed", you were casting some rather, dare I say, intimate glances backwards and forwards between you."

A softness settled on Abigail's face then and she took a deep breath, not sure where to begin. "Well, we have you and Nathan to thank actually."

Elizabeth was confused, "What did we do? Did my conversation with Bill on the way over make him look at things differently? Has Nathan managed to talk some sense into him?"

Abigail laughed then looked at Elizabeth in a friendly but mocking way. "You and Nathan have been hopeless at talking sense into yourselves, what makes you think you could do it for anyone else!"

They both laughed at that and then Abigail became serious. "Well first of all you got me thinking. Not just about Bill but about what I am going to do with my life now. My original plan was to come back to Hope Valley with you and help you sort out the mess you were in, but.." As Elizabeth went to protest Abigail put her fingers to her lips, "Don't deny it, you have already told me how confused you were".

Elizabeth certainly couldn't deny what her friend was saying. When the call for help came she had not hesitated, not just because she wanted to do whatever she could for the children but also as an opportunity to get away and think. Had she known Nathan was here she may not have been so eager and that would possibly have been the biggest mistake she could have made.

"I know how I was Abigail, no-one needs to tell me. How I still am in some ways. Yes there is a lot more clarity to my feelings now but I still have a lot to do to heal the rifts I have caused with some people, especially those who mean the most to me. I was running scared for so long and didn't know which way to turn."

She looked straight at her friend, a touch of uncertainty still there but somehow it didn't seem quite so deep anymore. Speaking almost to herself she let her thoughts flow out. "I felt as though I was standing in front of two tunnels, trying to work out which one I should take to get me out of the nightmare I was living. At the end of the first tunnel there shone a bright light, so strong that I thought it showed me exactly the path I needed to take. It was inviting me in like the ringmaster does at the circus, promising me excitement and a way to forget all my troubles. Luring me with magic tricks as I raced to get out of the morass I was in. But it wasn't right because it hid so much in the dark alcoves and niches along the way, so blinded by the light at the end that I was fooled into thinking didn't exist. Or maybe I didn't want to acknowledge them."

Abigail saw a cloud of sadness pass over Elizabeth's face and knew it was not for herself but for the people she had hurt so much as she struggled with her grief. Finally she asked gently, "And the other tunnel?"

"The other tunnel was much dimmer with soft lights along the walls that seemed to still highlight every fault, all the crevices and turns. It never tried to fool me, was never anything but what it was. It stretched far into the distance without deviation and at the end were a few different glows of light. One was big with a smaller glow either side of it. At the edge was another that flickered and in the background others that were hard to distinguish. I wanted to walk down it, take my time to look at every inch along the way. Explore it because I knew there was something special to be found along the way."

She had dropped her eyes, clearly far away in her thoughts for the moment. "I was too scared to do that though. The bright light seemed so much easier and safer because I thought there would be no surprises. Nothing to hurt me, nothing to draw me in."

The turmoil that would have accompanied such a revelation from Elizabeth in the past was no longer there, she was looking at this as though for the first time she understood the journey she had to take to find out what she really wanted. She smiled at her friend then, the biggest one Abigail had seen since Jack died. She's back, she thought, all her pieces are together coming together once again and now she has to do what has been in her heart for so long.

"Have you told Nathan all of this? Did you tell Lucas?"

Elizabeth laughed, "You mean this dreamlike analogy of my life for the past few years?" She shook her head, "For all his professed love of literature Lucas doesn't understand anything too profound. And certainly not if it is from a woman's perspective! Do you know he hadn't actually read Virginia Woolfe's book before we went to her reading in Union City? Another one of his lies to me. Or as he would describe it, he was just being economical with the truth."

At the thought of that trip Elizabeth once again felt horrified at how she had behaved. Whatever was she thinking and how could Nathan have watched her go off like that and still continue loving her?

"And Nathan?" Abigail persisted. "Did you try to explain it to him?"

A flush came to her cheeks as she thought of her conversation with Nathan earlier and how much had been said without words. "I don't need to, he understands. Do you remember how Jack used to quote Corinthians 13 to me, Love is patient, love is kind? That is Nathan. He placed all those lights along the tunnel so that I could find my way and then he was patient. And while he waited he cared, not just about me but the two others who mean the most in the world to me, Little Jack and Allie. He was the larger of the glowing lights there at the end and now I need to add mine beside him and the children."

Abigail could feel a sense of ease and contentment in Elizabeth and she was so glad for her friend. It had taken a lot of anguish and tears but finally she was where she needed to be. Now she had to grab hold of happiness and make the most of this chance she was being given. A little bit like herself, she thought.

Suddenly Elizabeth laughed, "You've done it again haven't you! We were supposed to be talking about you and Bill but you turned it into a conversation about me. Come on now, your turn. Tell me what has happened!"