If nautical nonsense be something you wish, then watch Spongebob, but if it's regular nonsense you want, then… read something else? I guess?

Apologies and warning in advance: this chapter is a train wreck on purpose. Notes at the bottom.

Felix Natalis, Tu Apriles Fatue

The atmosphere inside the dining hall wasn't just tense; it was downright suffocating.

Subaru felt like his stomach was twisting itself into a series of knots. Frederica, Ram, and Roswaal's expressions were hauntingly blank, though Subaru could feel their eyes boring holes into his head. Otto looked like he was going to upchuck his meal from the night before and was furiously pushing it back down with booze. Emilia, Rem, Beatrice, and Garfiel looked unsettled.

Only Petra seemed unfazed, looking back and forth with a blush between Subaru and the newcomer.

A young girl had spontaneously appeared in the mansion's kitchen. She had quickly latched onto Petra in particular and then Subaru right after.

The girl wore a green ribbon like a pair of rabbit ears atop her shoulder-length black hair. She wore a green hoodie with a small swan embroidered on it and a pair of blue pants. Her teal eyes shone with delight as she ate the syrup-covered pancakes in front of her. The child happily stuffed her cheeks while completely ignorant of the chaos quietly brewing around her.

Subaru took a deep breath through his nose and exhaled slowly through his mouth.

"I'm sure…" the knight struggled to find the right words to say. "I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

"Go on then, Barusu. Please, enlighten us as to how you and the junior maid could sire a child together." Subaru could feel the vemon lingering in Ram's words.

"Your guess is as good as mine because I sure don't know! I haven't and will never lay a hand on Petra!"

"You have. Specifically her head," Ram retorted.

"You know what I mean, dammit!"

"I do, but I want to hear it from you directly so I can alert the authorities."

"Not happening! Not just that, but…" Subaru waved his arms at the girl eating pancakes, "But all of this! Never happening! Ever!"

"I can't believe you would disown your own child, Subaru!" Emilia said. "What about Tonnura!?"

"What about Tonnura?" Rem said darkly.

"Hi." The quarter-elf in question said quickly before promptly fading into the background.

Subaru turned to the girl, who had just finished eating her pancakes.

"Uh, excuse me. What did you say your name was again?"

"Deneb Natsuki." The girl, Deneb, tilted her head slightly at Subaru question.

"So, um, who exactly are your parents, Deneb?"

"Daddy, you know who Mommy is," Deneb said with a giggle.

"Right… right…" Subaru slumped his shoulders. "I was hoping that wasn't the case."

"I just hope my parents take this well," Petra said bashfully.

Subaru flinched and slowly looked up at the junior maid.

"Your… parents?"

Suddenly the dining room door slammed open, flying off its hinges at blinding speed. It hit Roswaal squarely in the head with a sickening crunch, despite him standing away from its trajectory.

Petra's father, face red with anger and teeth bared, eyed a shocked Subaru. His shoulders heaved up and down from his heavy breaths.

"Uhh… hi?"

Never had Subaru sounded as pathetic as he did then.

Subaru, Petra, and her parents were sitting at the table in the Leyte home. Subaru was sweating bullets under the glare of Petra's father. Petra was fairing slightly better since neither of her parents had set their sights on her. Even then, she was fidgeting in her seat between her parents.

Petra's mother was the hardest of all to read. She was smiling, but neither Subaru nor Petra could tell what was behind it.

"So."

Subaru and Petra righted themselves when Petra's father broke the silence. One of his fingers was tapping his arm impatiently. Both Subaru and Petra were freaked out by how eerily calm he sounded.

"You and my daughter… had a daughter."

"Well… that's not…inaccurate…" Subaru's voice was small under the intense pressure of a protective father. The knight could hardly blame him.

"Children don't come from nowhere; they come from mothers." Mr. Leyte's unblinking glare intensified. "So, did you make us grandparents or not!?"

"Whoawhoawhoawaitasec! That's not what happened at all!" Subaru reeled back in his chair and waved his hands defensively in front of him. The very idea that he had done anything of the sort with Petra made him feel sick.

Subaru wasn't even sure how it was possible for him and Petra to end up together. Just how much had the circumstances changed for THAT to happen? It was impossible.

"Th-that's right! This isn't Subaru's fault!" Petra turned to her father and yelled at him. "Deneb just appeared out of nowhere!"

"And I said that's not where they come from." Subaru could tell from his tone that Mr. Leyte wasn't in the mood for semantics. "So then, where did this 'Deneb' come from?"

"…The future?"

"Doesn't that mean you're going to have her later on, then?" This time, it was Petra's mother who spoke. "A cute granddaughter with squishable cheeks for me to coddle?" Unless Subaru was mistaken, Mrs. Leyte's voice raised an octave with each word she said.

"M-mom!"

"Oh!" Mrs. Leyte put a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. I just thought about all the adorable children my sweetie and her hero are going to have and I…"

"MOM!" Petra shrieked, her face now a bright red. She recoiled from embarrassment and nearly fell out of her seat.

"Wait, children!? As in, more than one!?"Subaru raised his voice in horror. He could feel his face turning green at the very thought.

"I'm not going to put any ideas in your head," Mrs. Leyte put her hands together. Subaru could swear she looked like Rem for a split second. "But I'd be perfectly fine with five. Minimum."

Petra tried to protest, but the girl was too mortified by her mother to do more than open and close her mouth like a fish gasping for air. Subaru just stared aghast at the woman like she had cheerfully confessed that her fine china was made out of the ground-up bones of her victims.

At this point, he wouldn't be surprised if they were.

"So that's how it is." Mr. Leyte nodded his head.

"You're not seriously going to leave it at that, are you!? Please tell me you're not!"

"If grandchildren are involved, then there's only one option."

Mr. Leyte didn't say anything further to elaborate. His wife certainly didn't seem to be giving away any hints, though she was ginning like a maniac.

Subaru felt like this whole situation was giving him an ulcer.

"That being…?"

Subaru's ears were suddenly filled with the sound of a loud organ playing. He wasn't too sure of the name, but he thought the song being played was the Wedding March.

Subaru quickly looked around and saw that he was standing at an altar. He was wearing a fancy black tuxedo. The Leyte's and the table they were just sitting at were gone.

The pews were filled with everyone that Subaru had met in the last year. People he liked, people he loved, and people he just couldn't stand. They too were dressed to the nines for the occasion.

"Is this what being drunk feels like?" Subaru groaned and grabbed his head. "Poor Otto…"

Despite the organ echoing throughout the chapel, Subaru could still hear the conversations happening between the guests quite clearly.

"I don't… really know if all this is right or not, but, um… Congratulations?" Emilia looked quite uncertain.

"It's Subaru's decision who he marries," Beatrice said, "Even if Betty doesn't agree with it."

"Rem still can't believe that Subaru-kun would go after Petra first and not her or Emilia-sama," Rem, who now had the voice of Ram, said with dismay and wiped a tear from her eye.

"I'm just glad I don't have to worry about Barusu sinking his corruptive, degenerate fangs into my sister anymore," Ram, who now had the voice of Rem, said with a huff.

"Subaru-kuuuuuuuuun is just fuuuuuuuuuuull of surpriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiises, isnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn't heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" Roswaal drolled. The door to the dining hall was still lodged in his head; he looked more door than man at the moment.

Frederica was still catatonic, leaning against the back of the bench like a wooden cutout. Garfiel was trying in vain to get her to sit down without breaking her spine.

Otto wasn't faring any better. He was staring up at the ceiling with his eyes wide open and drool dripping from his mouth. In one hand was a bottle of booze. He seemed to be mumbling something about "making the pain go away".

"Do we really have to be here?" Felix asked, sounding either bored or disgusted.

"Don't say that, Ferris," Crusch said. "They went out of their way to invite us. So we must endure."

"I must agree with Felix," said Wilhelm. "I'm rather disappointed by this turn of events."

"Uh, Princess, are you alright?" A part of Al's helmet flapped up and down as he spoke, almost as if it were his mouth.

"I'm invited to a commoner's wedding, am told to expect a banquet, and instead it's a POTLUCK! You cheap F***KS!" Priscilla was practically gnashing her teeth in irritation.

"Only you'd whine 'bout that…" Anastasia looked at Priscilla with disdain. Julius sighed.

Mimi said something, but her mouth was too full of food to be understood.

"Yes, an excellent point, sister!" Tivey added.

"Guys, she can hear you…" Hetaro tried to be the voice of reason among his siblings to no avail.

Ricardo was simply guffawing as his two subordinates talked smack about a rival candidate.

"Of course the prissy snob would complain about free food!" Felt was sitting next to Reinhard, stuffing her face with multiple chicken drumsticks held between her fingers.

"I forbid you from feeling jealous of your protégé, Clind." Annerose had her arms crossed and was looking at Subaru with disgust. "I blame this on your influence."

"Milady, what sort of reason would make you think that?" Clind asked. "Untrue."

"I can't believe Petra-chan's getting married~!" Meili said with delight while surrounded by mabeasts.

"I'm sure the bowels of a bride must look exquisite," Elsa said, then licked her lips.

Subaru did a double take at the two assassins surrounded by monsters, but then remembered that Reinhard was there, so it wasn't too distressing. But they weren't the most surprising guests to him.

"My my, you just never cease to surprise me, do you Subaru?" Echidna said. She put a hand over her mouth to hide a laugh.

"Th-there's… so much love here…" Carmilla looked and sounded flustered. "It's… o-overwhelming."

"That boy needs a leash," Sekhmet said with a sigh. "To keep him away from Typhon."

Daphne, on account of sucking on a large hock of ham, couldn't comment.

"Hey, Nerva, are you crying?" Typhon looked at the other Witch in concern.

"I-I'm n-not crying! YOU'RE crying!" Minerva blew her nose into a tissue with a loud honk. Her eyes and nose were noticeably red. At her feet were a dozen other tissues.

As the organ music winded down, the abbot slowly turned around as if he were a statue being turned in place.

Subaru flinched to see Petelgeuse with his signature bugged-out eyes and wide toothy grimace. He also noticed that the Archbishop's eyebrows were inexplicably on fire.

Petelgeuse pulled out a small black book from his robe, opened to a page, and proceeded with the ceremony.

"Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethah… today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwaingment, that dweam wiffin a dweam."

Subaru recognized that voice; he couldn't possibly forget one that ridiculous. He didn't know whether to laugh or cower hearing it come out of an Archbishop's mouth.

"If thewe awe any objections to why these two should not be wed, may they be said now owe fowevah howd theiw peace."

"Wait, aren't we supposed to say vows or something first?" Subaru knew next to nothing about weddings, but something still felt off about the order in which the Archbishop was doing things. He stared at Petelgeuse accusingly. "Did you just skip over some stuff?"

"If I may?" Clind raised his hand.

"Oh please no…" Subaru grabbed his head and groaned. He was glad that someone was going to say something. But why, of all people, did it have to be Clind?

A Guiltylowe wearing a large bowtie sitting behind the butler leapt up and bit him on the head.

"Don't ruin Petra-chan's wedding~." Meili said sweetly as the mabeast started to gnaw on Clind's now bleeding skull. Annerose didn't even bat an eye at the gruesome display.

"I am okay with this. Acceptance."

"Don't speak with your mouth full, Clind. It's unseemly."

Once the beast removed its jaws from the butler's head, it turned to look at Felt, still chomping away at her drumsticks, bones and all. Reinhard noticed the wistful look it was sending his liege, and it wasn't because of her food. He smiled menacingly and put a hand on the hilt of his sword.

Meili saw what was happening and put her hands to her cheeks in apparent horror.

"Oh no~! Mr. Shadow Lion's gross now~!"

"My, it seems perversion is contagious," Elsa said while stroking the back of her knife with a finger. "Perhaps it needs some… reconditioning?"

Petelgeuse disregarded the bedlam happening amongst the guests and continued on.

"Do you hawve the wings?"

"I wish I did so I could fly right out of here! But I guess if we don't have them then the wedding's off now! Oh well!" Subaru felt a little relieved that there was an out for his predicament.

"Here they are, in fact."

Subaru whipped around with a start when he heard Beatrice's voice. Resting atop her head was a pillow with two pairs of small shining wings on it, one a brilliant onyx and the other a shining amber. Just like that his hopes were dashed.

"Beako, how could you betray me like this!?"

"Betty was asked to be the wing bearer, in fact."

"You mean ring bearer, don't you!? No, forget that! I can't marry Petra! She's just-"

Subaru turned his head to look at the young maid next to him and his voice caught.

The girl was certainly Petra, but she had transformed radically. She was now taller, standing only about half a head shorter than Subaru. Her auburn hair was long and flowing down her back, her trademark bow replaced with a bridal veil. Her lips wore a rosy red lipstick, and her cheeks had a healthy blush. In her hands was a bouquet of flowers.

The most eye-catching thing about her was her wedding dress. It left her shoulders exposed, and her arms had those long gloves that go up to the elbow. Going from the waist down, the seam of the dress had white flowers made of fabric. Everywhere he looked, the gown had something that drew the eye.

Subaru knew that Petra wanted to be a clothes designer when she grew up. He wondered if she had made her own wedding dress for her own wedding?

"Do you, Subawu Natsuki, take her to be your blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah-"

Petelgeuse started feverishly flipping through the pages of his book.

"Hey wait, you can't just skip to the end! Seriously, who hired you!?"

"-Inowpwonouceyoumanandwifeyoumaykissthebwide!"

The organ music started up again.

"What kind of half-assed wedding is this!?" Subaru grabbed his head in utter frustration.

At that moment, Elsa sunk her knife into the back of the Guiltylowe. The beast didn't react at all, so she kept stabbing it repeatedly. After the tenth or so time, Reinhard joined in and started pummeling it with his sword still in its sheath.

"Finally, some action!" Felt cheered.

"YES! YES!" Priscilla howled. "MAKE THAT MONGREL'S BLOOD BLEED!"

"Better it than me", Al said blithely.

"Let us depart, Clind. We bore witness to the pervert's wedding. I don't wish to see any further than this." Annerose hopped off her seat and started to walk away with Clind, who was now holding his bleeding and inexplicably severed head under an arm, in tow.

"My sentiments exactly", Ram said, her voice now normal. She stood up from her seat and entered the aisle. "I do not wish to bear witness to my junior and that nauseating, criminal filth I once called Barusu completing this perversion of a sacred rite."

"I wish Subaru-kun would show some of that perversion to me…" Rem sighed, her normal voice also having returned, following her sister down the aisle.

"Hey, Ram, wait up! C'mon, let's go sis!" Garfiel grabbed Frederica and carried her over his shoulder like a plank of wood. The blond maid still had not reacted to anything.

"Thflghrrglshslaunggghbfth," Otto drunkenly slurred before slumping over. Emilia grabbed his arms and lifted him onto her back before following the rest of her camp.

As for Roswaal, only the dining room door remained, and since doors naturally can't walk, it stayed where he was once seated.

Subaru could hardly believe his eyes and ears as the once peaceful if unorthodox wedding devolved into a frenzy. He half-expected someone to start swinging on one of the chandeliers.

"Long ago, in a distant land," Petelgeuse proclaimed in a completely different accent, "I, Aku, shape-shifting master of darkness, unleashed an UNSPEAKABLE EVIL! But, a foolish-"

Subaru rolled his eyes as the madman rambled on.

"Subaru."

Subaru felt a tug on his sleeve and turned to Petra. She didn't seem at all concerned.

Her eyes were closed and leaning in for a kiss. He reached out to Petra and gently grabbed her shoulders.

"I'm sorry, but I ca-"

Suddenly a series of cracking sounds reverberated through the church. Subaru felt the ground lurch up from under his feet.

"An earthquake!?"

The cracking became even louder before finally ending with a deafening boom on all sides. Subaru covered his ears and winced.

Subaru looked around and saw parts of the walls rise up, leaving plumes of dust and falling stones and wood in their wake. Subaru saw the crack that encompassed the church grow in size, revealing the world outside.

"Is the roof floating away or something?"

With each second the top half of the church rose into the air and slowly revealed a large golden feline holding onto it. The large cat casually tossed the roof aside and looked down at Subaru with fangs bared.

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGK!"

"Fredzilla!?"

Far faster than he expected from someone her size, the giant Frederica reached into the church and delicately grabbed Subaru between two of her fingers. Subaru felt himself pinned from his back and front enough that he couldn't wriggle free but also could tell that her giant fingers weren't crushing him.

Frederica picked Subaru up and brought him closer to her face. The visage of Frederica's toothy scowl, flared nose, and whited-out eyes made Subaru freeze in terror.

"Holy cow she's gonna eat me."

Frederica raised her hand over her head and opened her mouth wide, revealing row after row of razor-sharp canines about Subaru's size. She released Subaru from her grip and let him plummet towards her gaping maw.

Subaru wanted to scream, but it came out as nothing but a raspy whisper.

"Subaru?"

Subaru woke up with a gasp, his heart pounding against his chest. He felt himself break out in a cold sweat. Next to him he heard a little yelp.

"Don't scare Betty like that, I suppose!"

"S-sorry, Beako. My bad." Subaru felt relief wash over him as he took in his surroundings. His room was colored an orange hue by the setting sun outside.

Subaru remembered he was feeling particularly exhausted and went to take a nap. He wasn't sure what had made him so tired, whether it was vigorously training days in a row or eating a bit too much at lunch. Maybe it was the accumulated mental toll of suddenly meeting his future child catching up to him.

Or maybe it was all three.

"How long did I nap for?"

"A few hours, in fact. Dinner will be ready soon, so Betty took it upon herself to wake you up."

"Didn't know I needed a Beako alarm clock till now." Subaru laughed a little and pat Beatrice on the head.

"Were you having another nightmare, I wonder?"

"Yeah. Yeah, but this one was a… different kind of scary than the usual."

Though all things considered, that was probably the most pleasant nightmare he had recently. Even if the contents squicked him out something fierce.

Subaru shuddered at the dream that was starting to fade from his memory.

"A-anyway, dinner's awaiting, so let's go, Beako! Actually, what's for dinner tonight?"

"Chicken, in fact."

Why did I write this, you may ask?

I wanted to write something incredibly stupid without a lot of thought put into it and so I did. There were times where it was very "stream of consciousness" and times where I had no clue what to write.

This had been on standby for April Fools Day for a while. I knew I wanted to write a stupid story for April Fools, but I didn't really know what about. The idea just popped into my head one day while I was working and it snowballed from there. A fic about Subaru's future kids would inevitably bring up Petra, whether it's about a kid between her and everyone's favorite knight or showing that it's not going to happen. I chose to compromise by having that kid show up but also showing everyone (except Petra) being absolutely and rightfully repulsed that the kid exists. I think I did a decent enough job conveying that.

As for Deneb, she's the kid that appears at he end of the Petra If, the April Fools joke by Jakez123. In that video, there's a picture of Subaru and an older Petra with a child, which is what I based her appearance on. I'm not entirely sure if Jakez123 commissioned that picture for the video or if the artist heard about the Petra If and made it for fun, so make of that what you will. I also can't seem to find the name of the artist who made it.

Also, the thing with the Guiltylowe, Felt, and Clind was a wink and nod to An Ordinary Night Out by Titanmaster 117. That whole story is one giant Noodle Incident and I love it.

I hope you all had a laugh at this elaborate shitpost; I know I had fun writing it. This was all written in jest, so please don't take any of it seriously. The real Chapter 6 will be out shortly.

…I just hope publishing this doesn't end up burning bridges.

Happy April Fools Day, everybody!