Kaz eyes flew open as his body arched off the bed, taking in deep gulps of air before a fit of coughing overtook him. He pushed himself into a seated position to ease his breathing, his eyes squeezed shut as he waited for his head to stop spinning. His whole body was pins and needles, pain spiking in multiple areas all at once.
As his coughing seized, he blinked his eyes open, taking in his surroundings. He was shocked to realize he was in his own bed, his crows in close proximity, all staring at him as if he was a newfound marvel. He wanted to escape their scrutiny, but had to settle for pulling his shirt closed, and pushing himself backwards, any further retreat hindered by the backboard of his bed.
"Why…" he started, but his voice broke. He cleared his dry throat, and tried again. "Why are you here?" he asked while letting his eyes flick between Jesper, Wylan and Inej.
"To save your life, dummy," Jesper answered smugly, a grin on his face, happy to see that Kaz was recovering quickly, a little more colour seeping into him for every breath.
"What?" Kaz answered, still unsure of what was happening.
Wylan pushed forward. "I'm sorry, I had to tell them in order to help you. The injection from King, it had a poison that was causing you pain, and paralyzing your muscles. It was slowing your breath, and would eventually have stopped your heart, killing you. I managed to neutralize the paralysation with an antidote I made, and the pain will gradually subside as well. You should be fine now," Wylan informed.
"Oh…" Kaz said, his scowl softening as he took in the information from Wylan. Kaz had realized the injection could be dangerous, but hadn't expected it to turn this bad so fast. Knowing Wylan was the only reason he wasn't dead, felt humbling. He made a mental note to pay him back in some way once he was better.
Kaz let his eyes find Inej's, trying to gouge how bad the situation had been. Her eyes were wet, and she looked like she wanted to hug him fiercely and never let him go. He quickly turned away from her, afraid to cause a scene in front of Wylan and Jesper. Before he could do or say anything else, Jesper spoke up.
"Any chance I can have my shirt back?" Jesper queried. "It's getting cold".
Both Inej and Wylan stared at Jesper in horror. Jesper smiled sheepishly, realizing his mistake.
Kaz bowed his head to hide a smile. He could always count on Jesper to make a bad decision, and to create a distraction when the mood became too serious.
Kaz looked down at the shirt he was clasping. Jesper had lent it to him, and now he needed it back, but taking it off would make him feel even more exposed than he already was. Thankfully, Inej came to his rescue before he could reply.
"You can borrow one of Kaz's shirts," she said while walking over to Kaz's closet.
Jesper pouted a bit, but dipped his head in acceptance, understanding that Kaz wasn't ready to relinquish his shirt yet.
Inej found a black shirt with no apparent blood stains on it, and handed it to Jesper. "I'll get your shirt back to you later," she offered.
Jesper sighed, but took the shirt he was handed, and started undressing in the middle of the room.
Inej couldn't help but laugh at Jesper and his missing inhibition, especially as Wylan was blushing wildly at the sight. Kaz rolled his eyes, his lips twitching in amusement, a part of him wishing he could have been as comfortable around people as Jesper was.
As soon as he was fully clothed, Jesper winked at Wylan, making him blush even more. Wylan quickly turned to Kaz, needing to focus on something else. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked.
Kaz's head was killing him, and if he moved to quickly his brain forgot the difference between up and down, causing nausea to rise. His chest was on fire with pins and needles shooting through him, the worst spikes causing him to grind his teeth in order to not cry out. His leg and gun shot wound had been numb until he had pushed himself into a seated position, the movement causing them to compete with the fire in his chest for his attention. He knew he had several cuts on his torso and arms, but they just blended in with the general cacophony that was the fire in his upper body. His mind and body were exhausted to an extant he had rarely felt, unsure if he would be able to stand if he tried, as sitting without keeling over was more than enough for him at this point in time. The strain, blood loss and general lack of rest, probably the remains of the poison too, told him that he would not be going anywhere soon. In short, he was a wreck, but he had no intention of sharing that piece of information with the others.
He let his hand push his hair back, settling it as he worked to compose himself. "I'm dead tired, but I'm sure I'll be fine once I get some rest. It at least feels good to be able to breathe properly again. I knew that science brain of yours would be able to figure it out, so thank you," he said with an acknowledging bow of his head to Wylan.
Wylan beamed at the praise.
Jesper clapped his hands together, drawing the others attention to him. "All righty then, if everything is fine and dandy now, I guess we'll leave you to your rest. Is there anything else we can help with?" Jesper said, checking in with Kaz.
Kaz shook his head slowly, looking forward to collapsing on his bed as soon as they left.
Their mission completed, Jesper spun on his heels, and started for the door.
Wylan picked up a small pouch from his satchel. "In case you need anything, the rest of the antidote is in here, along with some sleep and pain medication. Don't hesitate to call on us if there is anything we can do," he offered. He put the pouch on Kaz's desk before following Jesper to the door.
Jesper paused before exiting, looking back. "Inej, you coming?"
"I'll make my own way," she answered.
Jesper gave her a smirk and a wink before exiting, calling back; "We won't be waiting up!"
She rolled her eyes at them, her face a bit flushed as she closed and locked the door behind them.
Kaz was left confused at the exchange between his friends, but was forced to think on other matters when Inej placed herself in front of him, arms crossed, a displeased look on her face. "Just a bit of rest? Really? It's good I'm not as gullible as the other two," she said while raising an eyebrow at him.
Kaz knew she hadn't been fooled by his words. She knew him too well, and he was too exhausted to hide his tells from her.
"Your wounds need disinfecting, cleaning and closing to avoid fever and infection. I suggest you take your shirt off so I can help," Inej said adamantly.
Kaz didn't move. "I'll take care of them later. You can still catch Jesper and Wylan if you try," Kaz replied, his voice hard.
Inej rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. "You mean after you've slept for 72 hours and turned into a world class contortionist?" she stated, her tone rising as she spoke.
"Firstly, they will be infected by then, and secondly, there is no way you'll be able to take care of the wounds on your back on your own. Please Kaz, just let me help you, or by the saints, I'll knock you out myself if I have to!" she finished, fire in her voice.
Kaz was taken aback by her insistence, realizing he was outgunned in this fight. He stopped clutching at his shirt, letting his arm and shirt drop, along with his head. "It may come to that," he nearly whispered.
Inej paused, expecting a harder fight, before realization dawned on her. He never let anyone treat his wounds as it required human touch, and that was something he wasn't ready for. He would rather take the pain and risk of infection, than being forced to endure another person's touch and the panic it would elicit. And him admitting his weakness instead of fighting told her how terrible he must be feeling.
As she looked at the subdued Kaz in front of her she realized she didn't have the heart to force him to submit to her ministrations. She also feared what it would do to their relationship, wanting him to welcome her touch, not fear it. There had to be a better way. She let her mind race, thoughts slipping back to the cell. That solution might work here as well.
She walked back to his wardrobe, and pulled out an old, battered pair of gloves she had seen when looking for a shirt for Jesper. They looked to be a few sizes to small for Kaz. She put them on, flexing her fingers. They were stiff, and slightly big, but they could work. She would have preferred the free use of her own hands, but for Kaz she would try.
"Will this help?" she said while holding up her gloved hands, no skin exposed.
Kaz's look of apprehension didn't disappear, but he nodded in acceptance as he knew his wounds were overdue for treatment. She would still need to touch him, but there would at least be a layer between them, hindering direct skin-to-skin contact. They both hoped it would be enough.
He slowly came away from the headboard, and turned himself sideways, his legs coming down to rest on the floor. He had to use his arm to move his hurt leg, jostling it as little as possible. Afterwards he let Jespers shirt fall off, revealing his bloody and battered body to her, head and eyes downcast, not comfortable showing weakness and pain, not even to her.
She fetched a bowl of water from his wash basin, along with soap, a towel and a sponge. She seated herself behind him on the bed, giving her full access to his back.
She could see his muscles ripple as he tensed at her proximity, his exposed body making him feel vulnerable. She soaked her sponge and carefully touched it to his back. He gasped and reflectively curled his back away from her touch. Inej remained still, waiting for him to settle again.
Kaz forced himself to calm, and for his back to round again, returning to his previous position. His body was taut, and his hands were clutching at the mattress, squeezing it tight, fighting to remain still for her.
Inej tried again. As the sponge touched him a second time, she could still hear his sharp intake of breath, but this time he didn't recoil from the touch. She let her sponge swipe softly across his back, making a line through the grime and blood.
She could feel his body tremble under her hands as she worked. She glanced in the wardrobe mirror, getting a glimpse of his face. His eyes were scrunched shut, mouth a thin line, breath coming in short puffs. If she didn't know better, she would have believed someone was dragging a steel rake over his back, not a soft sponge. She hated that she was the reason for his anxiety and pain, but she knew it was necessary, and hoped it would ease as she worked.
In particular bad moments, his body would tense up, small spasms moving through him, nausea threatening to overwhelm him. At those moments she would pause her actions and talk of small trivial things like the weather, her favourite colour, a memory, as if everything was normal. She would only continue her work once he was back from the ledge, keeping him from falling off.
When she had cleaned off the dirt and blood, she started wetting the pieces of cloth that still clung to some of his deeper slashes and gun wound. Once soaked she waited a minute before starting to work them loose. She used one hand to peel the cloth while the other pressed down hard on the skin around it, keeping the pull on the wounds to a minimum.
The hard pressure against his skin made black dots appear in his vision, the darkness threatening to pull him under. It pressure reminded him of the dead bodies pushing against him on the barge, making him feel like he was back there. He was struggling to keep himself from bolting, but as she started to remove the cloth pieces, he found that the pain steadied him, giving him something to focus on apart from the touch and his memories. Normally he would try to push the pain away, but now he welcomed it, letting it wash over him.
She worked steadily. She had soon removed the cloth pieces, and went about cleaning and disinfecting his wounds. Despite her fears, none of them seemed infected. She thanked her saints for small miracles.
Most of the wounds were shallow and could be closed with strips and bandage, but at least two needed stitching, along with his gun shot wound. She left her spot to pick up Wylan's pouch from the desk along with a glass of water from a jug. She knelt down in front of him. "I'm going to need to stich three of the wounds on your back. You should take some of the pain medicine Wylan left behind," she said as she held out the glass and pouch to him.
Kaz looked at her, and she felt her heart sink at the look that met her. His walls were gone, raw emotion on his face, a mixture of fear, sadness, pain, shame and disgust, but also care. "I can't," he scrapped out, his voice rough. "I need the pain, without it, I'll drown". He let his head fall back down, closing his eyes, breathing hard.
Inej was confused by his answer, but she wasn't going to fight him, and placed the glass and pouch on his nightstand. She knew Kaz could handle pain, and if that was what he needed to get through this, she wouldn't take it away from him. Still, she couldn't help but feel hurt that her help was causing him this much distress. She had wanted him without his armour, without his walls, but not like this. She longed for the day he would be ready share his nightmares with her so that she could finally understand the man she had started to care for, perhaps even love.
Kaz knew he couldn't risk taking the pain medication as the pain was the only thing that was keeping him grounded, keeping him from slipping into the icy waters with the other plague victims. The wetness, the continual touches was sending him back to those awful days of the past, but pain chained him to the here and now. As long as he had that, he could fight to stay here, with Inej, and not with Jordie's corpse.
He hated that her touch was causing him to feel this way. She was warm, alive and safe, she was nothing like death. He wanted to focus on her scent, her soft touches, her gentle movements. He wanted to hold her in his arms, wanted her to be his, but he knew he could never have her. He had meant what he said to Kinker, no one could love a broken, monster like them. So, he would let her go, let her disappear from his life once she was ready for new adventures and new companionship. But until then, he would keep her safe, keep her close and enjoy every moment she would offer him. Even this one.
As she started sewing, he could feel the pain from the tug and pull of the needle as she neatly stitched up his wounds. He focused on it.
She worked fast, but diligently, not missing a beat. He could tell she was practiced at it.. His blood boiled as he thought of the Menagerie, the reason she had been forced to learn to endure such things. When Inej was ready, he would make sure Ketterdam's slave world burned to the ground, the match lit either by his hand or Inej's, whatever Inej wished.
After a short while, the pull and tug of the needle seized. "Your back is all done." Inej offered softly as she fastened the last bandage.
"Thank you," Kaz said as he turned his upper body and head towards her. He kept his walls down, letting her see his gratitude, not just for her help, but for her patience and how she had handled his issues.
She offered him a warm smile in return, and got up to change out water.
Kaz took a calming breath, knowing it was time for him to let her go. "I can handle the rest. You can return to Jesper and Wylan's when you wish."
Inej didn't answer, but walked back to his bed, settling next to him, careful to not be too close. The wash bowl was in her lap. She held the sponge out for him. "What if I don't want to leave?" she asked carefully, keeping her gaze downward.
"Your room is always available to you if you don't want to make the long trek back to their house. It's yours to use, whenever you wish," he offered as he took the sponge from her.
"That is not what I meant," she said softly.
Kaz looked at her, puzzled, unsure of what Inej was trying to say.
"I meant, can I stay here tonight, with you?" she asked, raising her gaze to him.
"Here? In this room?" he questioned, still uncertain.
"Yes," she answered, a slight blush on her face.
Kaz looked around the room. Other than the bed there weren't any other places to sleep except for the floor and a half decent lounge chair. His confusion was slowly turning into frustration. He wanted to be patient, but it had been some trying days, and all he really wanted to do was sleep. His brain wasn't up to playing mind games with Inej.
Inej thankfully took pity on him. "Earlier, when you… slept, I sort of fell asleep, on the bed, next to you".
Kaz's eyebrows nearly rose into his hairline at that, but she continued before he could respond.
"I didn't mean to. I guess I was just too exhausted. I only meant to take a moment to collect myself, but I somehow drifted off. The truth is, I don't think I've slept that soundly since I was with my family. Even Wylan and Jespers entering didn't wake me. I know I was worn out and tired, but still, there was something more. I just feel safe here, with you next to me," Inej explained, watching Kaz carefully for his reaction.
Kaz was stunned. Feeling safe sleeping next to him, a monster that dealt in violence and death? It sounded ridiculous, and yet, he could see no deceit in Inej. He knew she had been through a lot these last few days, and who was he to deny her to sleep in his room if that gave her the comfort she needed this evening. Feeling rattled, and not wanting to be alone after what she had experienced wasn't unreasonable. "I can sleep on the floor…" he started, but she cut him off before he could finish.
"No, of course not. You aren't moving from this bed!" Inej said strictly.
"But where will you sleep then?!" he questioned, frustration growing again.
She raised her hand slightly, and pointed to the far side of the bed. "There, if you'll allow it."
Kaz followed her finger. The pillow on that side of the bed had a small dent in it, similar to Inej's head. It wasn't a large bed, but it could accommodate two people.
He swallowed hard. He had dreamt of having her next to him, of having her stay the night with him, but he had also feared it, knowing a single touch, even accidental, could send him over the edge. What if he lashed out in his sleep? What if he hurt her because he was lost in his nightmares? She believed he wasn't capable of hurting her, but he wasn't convinced. He would never intentionally strike her, but could he say the same for his unconscious mind?
He also tried to consider her, fearing his presence might cause her own trauma to flare up. She hadn't shared the details of her life at the Menagerie, but he knew enough that a man's look, comment or touch could be enough to send shivers down her back, and give her powerful nightmares. The walls in the attic were thin, and he had learnt to know the distressed sounds she would make in her sleep when she had nightmares. At those times he would rise from his bed and turn on his lamp, knowing she would seek him out for distractions and company, and he would be there to offer her that. But if he was the cause of her distress, what would he do then?
He had cut her with his words before, seen the hurt they had caused in her eyes. It was one of his defence mechanisms, to keep people at an arms length, but it was different with her. Seeing the hurt in her eyes made him feel physically ill, and he would immediately regret his words, and start scheming of ways to make it up to her. Somehow, she had always found a way to forgive him, and return to him. This was different, more intimate, more vulnerable. If he ended up hurting her tonight, he wasn't sure there would be a way back from it, for either of them.
At his silence, Inej kept her face and eyes downcast, as if waiting for a verdict to fall. She wanted to give him time, yet longed for an answer, unable to stay silent any longer. "I just don't want to be alone tonight. I want to feel safe, in this room, in this bed, with you. Please…" Inej implored as she gazed into the water bowl, fearing she was asking too much of Kaz.
Kaz's mind was still racing, going through all kinds of scenarios, both good and bad. Before Inej had entered his life his world had been dark and violent, but not lonely. After learning he had developed a fear of touch he had quickly adapted and become accustomed to his new life as Dirtyhands. His earlier dreams and hopes as Kaz Rietveld had died with Jordie. He hadn't been happy, but he had been content with what he had made of his life.
He now had the money, power and crew he had quested for since becoming Dirtyhands, but for the first time he found himself longing for something more. Her faith and hope for the future had somehow infected him. Where he previously believed his life would be short, and filled with violence and death, he now found himself hoping for something more, hoping for a future with Inej. A future where they would be able to touch.
When he had been forced to visit tante Heleen for business, he had never once looked at the girls. It had been out of respect for them, but also partly for himself. He knew he would never be able to touch anyone again, so he had no interest in making connections with other humans, that part of him effectively shut down.
Inej had somehow changed that. His heart had been dead and withered, but Inej had slowly revied it through her actions and faith. It had taken him a long time to realize how fond he had grown of her, and it had first hit him when he nearly lost her at the docks.
Something broke in him that day, and if she had died, he knew there would have been no coming back for him. She was the light in him, the one that made life worth fighting for. She kept him striving for decency despite his inclination for easier solutions. She was the one person that still believed in the good in him.
Despite having better accommodation elsewhere, and the possibility of privacy, she had asked to stay, with him. She was telling him that a murderous scoundrel like him made her feel safe, and that she wanted to let her guard down with him. It felt unreal, like a hallucination.
He had dreamed about this, even tried to stop himself from thinking about it, telling himself it was a fool's dream, and that it wasn't possible. People could have loved Kaz Rietveld, but not Kaz Brekker aka Dirtyhands. Still, the dream persisted, its comfort something he reached for in his desperate moments when nightmares wanted to overtake him. And now she was reaching for him. He wanted to punch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming, that this wasn't one big illusion, but he feared it as well, not wanting to risk losing this reality.
His eyes focused on Inej, her slight frame trembling before him, scared of rejection. She deserved to feel safe, and tonight she needed this one little thing from him for that to happen. Apparently, they had already managed it before, unbeknownst to him, so once more shouldn't be an issue, he hoped.
He made up his mind. Whatever strange world or reality this was, he would stay in it as long as he could, fighting anything that tried to take it away from him. He would fight villains, monsters, even his own nightmares for her, always. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Whatever she wished, he would grant her. He opened his eyes again, met Inej's, who was now looking at him, waiting for his answer.
"If you wish, you can sleep here, next to me" he said softly while gesturing to the bed they were sitting on. "But I can also manage on my own, so you are free to decide, be it leaving or staying here. I will accept whatever choice you make," he offered, trying to avoid putting pressure on her, wanting to give her an out if she wanted it.
"Thank you," she replied, her eyes tearing up. "Then I'll stay here, with you."
He nodded in return, accepting her decision, not trusting his voice to reply.
Needing to lighten the mood, he decided Jesper, as per usual, would be his best bet. "Inej, one question, what was the whole thing between you and Jesper? Did something else happen other than you falling asleep on the bed?"
She got a bit flustered at his question, not sure where to rest her eyes, her cheeks turning pink. "Um… you were passed out, and I… I was a bit worried about you, so I wanted to make sure you were okay. I kind of put my palm over your heart, making sure your heart and breathing was good. Then I fell asleep. I guess it sort of looked like we were sleeping together, and cuddling, when Jesper and Wylan entered…"
Kaz hid his face behind his palm. "Saints, we are never going to hear the end of it from Jesper".
Inej broke into a heartfelt laughter at Kaz's exasperation. She knew he was right, but she could handle Jesper. He could tease her all he wanted, but she would maker sure he behaved when Kaz was around. "I'll swear him to secrecy, I promise" Inej offered with a chuckle.
"You better," Kaz answered, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
"Now that that's settled, are you going to keep squeezing the life out of that sponge, or will you actually use it?" she teased.
Kaz looked down at his hand, realizing that while thinking he had fisted his hand with the sponge, causing the water to leak to the floor. "Oh, sorry," he answered awkwardly as he handed her the sponge.
She dunked the sponge again, but didn't return it to him. "May I?" she asked, wishing to stay by his side and help.
He was bone tired, and needed sleep. If she had left him he would have collapsed on the bed, and dealt with all of this when he woke again. He suspected Inej knew as much, and that it was the reason she was pushing the matter. He wasn't always the best strategist when it came to his own health, but he knew she was right.
He looked at her. She was still waiting for his answer, allowing him time to choose, exuding nothing but patience and affection. He knew she only wanted to help him, and he found himself wanting her near, and relenting to her wishes. "Yes," he replied softly, both wanting and fearing what came next.