She set the washing bowl on the bed before turning towards him. She started by gently removing his gloves. She felt him tense at the action, but he didn't pull back. For a moment, she lightly held his ungloved hand in hers, giving it a soft squeeze.
Her hand holding his felt strange, yet comforting. He always wore gloves, and he couldn't remember the last time his ungloved hand had touched another human being. The sensation of her warm gloved hand against his bare hand, sent tendrils of warmth, elation and fear through his nerves. He welcomed it, letting it flow through him while wondering what it would feel like to hold her ungloved hand in his.
She pushed the sponge carefully over his arms and hands, taking extra care around his raw and ripped wrists. For every stroke she would raise her eyes, checking in with him, making sure he was okay.
Kaz could feel the icy sea threatening again, but he kept his eyes locked on her, letting the image of her replace his nightmares. He knew it would have been easier for him to do this by himself, but he wouldn't deny her, or himself, this closeness. Even though it was hurting him, it also felt good to let someone care for him. To let Inej in.
Inej watching him as she worked, making sure to pause when Kaz seemed on the brink of disappearing. He had taken his time answering her request to stay, a myriad of emotions flickering over his face as he thought. She hadn't wanted to push him, so she had waited, her own nerves feeling frazzled, worried she was asking too much.
But after making his decision, something seemed to have changed between them. She wondered if she had finally gotten through to him, making him understand he deserved to be loved. Her touch still had him on edge, but at the same time, his anxiousness had lessened. At times he almost looked to be enjoying her touch despite his terrors, his eyes constantly locked on her.
Normally such scrutiny would scare her, making her scramble for her shadows, but it was different with Kaz. This closeness felt good. She wondered if she was silly for harbouring feelings for him, if he was willing and capable of returning those feelings, or if it was just a silly girl's dream.
She had never meant for it to happen, but she had found herself becoming more and more entwined with him. At first it had just been business, but it hadn't taken long before she had started to see the man that hid beneath the dark persona he had created. He had buried the good in himself, but every know and again it would show up in small moments or actions, especially around her, Jesper and Wylan, his crow family. She knew he possessed the capacity for kindness, despite his years in the Barrel, and that was who she was seeing in front of her now.
She knew he wanted to hide himself away, protect himself behind his walls and the persona of Dirtyhands, but he didn't. He didn't send her away, didn't deny her, instead he fought his demons for her, letting her take care of him despite his body and mind fighting him. Letting her in, one wall at a time.
She longed for him to let his guard down completely around her, but she wouldn't push him. He was trying his best, for her, and that was enough for now. She had sufficient experience with trauma to know that this was a big step, for the both of them, and it gave her hope that they one day could be something more.
She worked methodically, but gently, thoroughly cleaning and bandaging what injuries she could, leaving the ones that needed stitching for last. As she worked she would see scars of older injuries, both big and small, reminding her that he had lived a hard life, and that his own talent, and probably cruelty and a bit of luck, was the only reason he was still alive.
She wanted to let her fingers trace his scars, wondering at the stories behind them, hoping to one they hear them. She was sure Kaz remembered them all, and that whoever had caused them was either dead, or left with worse injuries, his vengeance swift and hard. She knew some of the wounds he endured during the last days would leave new scars, but she hoped her work would keep them to a minimum.
When she had finished bandaging the wounds that didn't need stitching, she found her needle and thread again. She checked in with Kaz, and she could see he was past his normal threshold of endurance. He was pale, eyes vacant, nearing the point of unconsciousness. She needed to give him a moment to collect himself before she continued. She squeezed his hand softly, and got up. His eyes widening, a confused look in them, unsure why she was leaving.
"I'll finish in a bit," she ensured him. "You sure you don't want to take any pain medication from Wylan? I've had them before. They work quickly and help with the pain."
"I'm good," he replied unsteadily, voice breathy.
She exhaled deeply, knowing she couldn't force Kaz to take the pain medication. "I'm going to collect a new shirt from your wardrobe, and soak Jesper's. You know we will never hear the end of it if we ruin one of his favourite shirts. We would probably have to kidnap a seamstress and get her to sew him a new one to make up for it," she joked as she walked away, giving him space and time to recover.
Kaz pushed himself back against the headboard, needing the support it offered. He let his head rest against it, closing his eyes. Inej was humming something in the background. He wanted to let himself drift off to the sound, but he knew Inej wouldn't let him sleep before she had finished her task.
The cold air of the room against his damp skin had left him chilled, giving him goosebumps, but it felt good against the heat from his wounds. As the pain from the poison slowly receded his other injuries had once more started to make themselves known.
His whole body felt stiff and sore after overtaxing it, especially his bruised torso and cracked ribs, every movement making him want to groan. His wrists, gun shot and slashes were throbbing in time with his heart, pain enveloping the wounds. His mind was working with reduced capacity, a strong headache telling him he had pushed himself too far. The only thing that seemed to improve was his leg as it was finally getting a rest from holding his weight. Whenever he moved it, it would wake again, but as long as he kept it immobile the pain stayed muted and in the background.
He let his head dip, and looked at his own chest. Three wounds needed stitching, some longer, some deeper. He sighed, steeling himself for the pain he knew would come.
The pills from Wylan were tempting, and he would probably have taken some if he was alone, but he still felt the lingering effects of the drug. His mind was already muddled by that and his other injuries. He couldn't handle giving up more control right know, not even if it was just Inej, maybe especially not with Inej as he did not want to risk anything going wrong. Pain was momentary, and would pass, words and actions were lasting. He would rather deal with the pain then risk losing control of himself.
He watched as Inej walked back to him, placing a fresh shirt for him on the nightstand. "Ready?" she asked.
He swallowed, and nodded.
Inej tried to check in with Kaz as she worked, like she had done before, but Kaz eyes didn't meet hers this time. Instead his head was resting against the wall, tipped slightly upward, eyes closed.
His face was impassive, short regular breaths coming through his nose. His lips were tight, and jaw clenched. She could see lines pain in his face, along with a sheen of perspiration on his forehead, but other then that he had shut himself off, his walls back in place, hiding his feelings and pain from the world. She missed the more open Kaz, but understood Kaz's need to return to something familiar to deal with his pain.
It frustrated her that he wouldn't take the pain medication. Wylan was a very good chemist and had made his own concoction. It was better then what you would get at a regular doctor. It soothed away the raw edges of the pain, removing it completely if the injury wasn't too severe. The lull in pain felt good, and the medicine made the mind relax, letting it use its energy to heal.
And then she understood. Kaz didn't want that feeling, didn't want to feel more vulnerable than he already felt. She had to admit it hurt a bit that he didn't feel safe enough to take the medication because of her.
She wondered if she had made a mistake in asking to stay. She also realized she had never really asked him what he wanted, just made her own request, assuming he wanted the same as her. She wanted to stay, but not if he didn't want her too. She in no way wanted him to feel trapped by her request. She needed to know.
"Kaz?"
"Mmm Mmm" he mumbled, lips still drawn in a thin line.
"Do you want me stay?" she asked quietly as she worked on.
His head came off the wall and he opened her eyes, his face expressionless. "It's your decision. I won't hold you back if you want to return to Wylan's house," he said, his tone flat and guarded, holding back.
"That's not what I asked" she said, a hint of irritation sneaking into her voice at his non-answer.
Kaz focused on her, searching her face. Suddenly he made a small grimace of pain along with a sharp intake of breath.
Inej stilled, realising she had let her irritation slip into her hands as she tugged too hard on the thread. She took a deep breath, calming herself.
She should have realized that he hadn't meant to hurt or dismiss her. He showed her all the grace in the world when it came to looking out for her and her wellbeing, but to think that someone might care about him and his feelings was of course a foreign subject to Kaz. She needed to make sure he understood her intentions, or this would go sour fast. She paused in her work, looking up at him, meeting his uncertain eyes.
"I want to stay, Kaz. I want to stay here with you, like I asked."
"Then stay," he stated, still struggling to understand what Inej was asking of him.
"But only if you want me to. If you would rather be on your own, I'll leave. That is okay too, no hurt feelings, I swear. I need to know if you want me to stay here with you, or if you just said yes because I asked," she said, studying him. "I care about what you want, not just myself. I want the both of us to be comfortable, to want this, not just me. I need to know what you want, and I will accept whatever you say, no matter what it is, I promise," she explained, hoping he would understand what she was asking him.
Kaz stared at her, his guard lowered once more, a mixture of emotion shadowing over his face. She could feel his heart and breath quickening slightly as he thought. She picked up her needle and thread, wanting to give him time to think and find his answer, expecting another long wait.
She had barely picked up the needle when she heard his reply, his voice clear and steady, determined, no hesitation; "Stay."
Her head shot up, looking at him.
"Are you sure?" she asked, trying her best to hide her joy at his answer, not wanting to put any pressure on him.
She felt a slight touch on her hand. She looked down.
Kaz held his hand up, palm open, asking permission to hold her hand. She placed her hand in his, leaving small traces of blood on his palm from his own wounds. She felt him giving her hand a slight squeeze. She looked back to his face.
"Inej, I want you to stay" he said, warmth reflected in his voice and eyes, his face open. "I always want you to stay. The worst part of my day is always seeing you disappear over the rooftops. This place feels empty as soon as you're gone."
Inej was astounded by his words. "But why didn't you say something?"
He sighed. "I never wanted you to feel pressured to stay, and to be honest, I never imagined you would want to stay. I can't offer you the luxury, closeness or ease that Jesper and Wylan can, I can't even handle another person's touch," he said while lifting their hands, her glove the only reason they were able to touch. "Why should anyone, let alone you with all your light and possibilities, want to stay here with this broken monster of a man?" he offered, voice and emotion calm as if stating facts.
Inej's heart broke for him. "Oh, Kaz, I wish you would have told me sooner!" she said, tightening her hold on his hand. "Didn't you ever wonder why I kept coming here, through the wind, rain and cold, despite not even having any information for you? Or why I stayed so long after the business part of my visit was over, either talking about random things or sometimes just sitting here in silence while you worked?"
"I just figured you did it out of respect for our business relationship, and possibly a feeling of gratitude for my help in freeing you," Kaz answered, still not quite believing what was happening.
Inej shook her head, a small smile on her face "I did it because I wanted to. I missed being around you. I missed talking to you. I missed you!" she explained, her voice growing more intense as she spoke, needing to make him understand.
"I started to invent reasons to come by, sometimes I even invented lies just to have a reason to visit you, to stay. I just wanted to be near you," she said softly, her hand still holding on tightly to his, not willing to let him go till she was sure he understood.
Kaz looked crestfallen, like someone had just told him the moon was made out of cheese. "You really mean that?" he finally asked, stunned.
"I do," Inej answered, letting all her love shine through.
"This better not all be an hallucination from King's injection" Kaz mumbled, still baffled by the events of the evening.
Inej burst out into a laugh, her face all smiles and joy. Her light mood was infectious, making him feel lighter despite his own pain and exhaustion.
He loved seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. It made him feel warm inside, and gave him an unfamiliar feeling of happiness. Kaz still didn't understand how he could be the reason for Inej's happiness, but he loved seeing it, and would do his best to protect it.
"If this is your idea of a hallucination, it's kind of a sorry one," she said as he held up her bloody needle, a quirked smile on her lips.
"I guess so, but I like it, so promise not to wake me," he answered, smiling back at her.
"I promise," she returned happily.
He tipped his head at her before letting it drop back to the wall. He released her hand, signalling he was ready for her to finish.
She already missed his touch, but she knew she needed to finish as they both needed rest.
She started sewing again, but this time when she looked up to check on him, she could see a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips, softening his features. She smiled as she worked, maybe this whole ordeal that they had gone through had been worth it after all.
A short while later she tied of the thread, and bandaged the last wound. "There, all done" she said, and started carrying away the tools she had used. She placed them all on Kaz's dresser by the wash basin.
She went to pull off her gloves, but paused to look at them in the lamp light. They were older, and a dark shade of brown. Probably from Kaz was a bit younger, forgotten in the back of the closet. The knuckle area was worn down and stained from what she guessed was fights and old blood. Some of the seems had been mended, probably by Kaz himself. The fingers had small slits cut into them, making it easer to do tricks and pick locks as he could feel the tools. The left glove had visibly more damage and wear in the palm area, the result of Kaz's cane. Now Kaz's fresh blood had been added to them.
She stared at the crimson spots. She had seen Kaz bleed several times before, but his blood on her gave her a feeling of wrongness.
"You can keep them if you like, they are too small for my hands anyway." Kaz offered, not sure what had made Inej pause.
Kaz's voice drew her out of her stupor. She quickly rinsed the gloves, washing away most of the blood, though she knew some of the stains, some of Kaz lifeblood, would always be visible. She folded them carefully, and stuck them in her pocket like a small treasure, a memory of a day that she had initially wanted to forget, but now always wanted to remember. "Thank you," she said quietly as she slipped into Kaz's wardrobe.
Kaz started to struggle into his fresh shirt. The thought of sleeping in the same bed with only a few inches of space between them was making him nervous. He could feel his heart race, worried he had made a wrong choice that would ruin all the progress they had made that day.
He needed to calm himself, and tried to force his pulse to slow down. He tried convincing himself that this was nothing extraordinary, just two people sleeping side by side in a bed, nothing special. Family, friends, colleagues could all do that, but also people who loved each other. He wasn't quite certain what they were, but he knew they were something more now, than they had been just a few days ago. And he hoped, with time and patience, that they could evolve even further.
His breath was coming in harsh pants by the time he had managed to struggle into the shirt. He knew he should button it, but he needed a pause before he could manage that task, spikes and tremors of pain and exhaustion making his hands useless. He let his eyes slide to Inej as she walked out of the wardrobe, holding a small bundle of something shiny and light blue. "Can I use this?" she asked.
Kaz stared at the bundle for a while, needing a moment to remember what it was. It had been an early gift from Jesper, before Jesper had realized that not everybody liked to be a walking billboard of flashing colour and sparkles. It was a slightly too big, shiny silk shirt in a light blue shade, with white patterns of vines covering it. He had never worn in, just tossed it in the back of the closet and forgotten about it.
It had probably hurt Jesper that he never wore it, but he couldn't find it in himself to wear it. It would either way have been ruined on the first day by grime, blood, weapons or similar. He knew it was a fine and expensive shirt, and that it deserved better, just like Inej.
"You can have it if you like, but I think it's a bit big for you," he answered, unsure of her intended use.
"I think it will be just fine," she answered with a smile, and slipped behind the wardrobe doors again.
His heart quickened again, but this time for a different reason, as he saw first her outer, then inner clothes, fall to the floor, one by one. As she stepped out, his breath caught in his chest and his jaw dropped slightly.
She was wearing his silk blue shirt. She had rolled up the sleeves slightly so that only her fingertips were showing, and had wrapped a tie around her to sinch it in slightly at the waist. It almost reached down to her knees. Her braid was gone, her hair hanging loose in a low pony tale. She was elegant, and relaxed at the same time. Kaz had never seen her more beautiful. He wished he could pick her up and carry her to the bed.
"I hope this is okay," she mumbled uncertainly. "My clothes were grimy, and I didn't want the clothes to dirty your sheets. I saw this earlier, and I figured it could work. Is it yours? Not really your normal style, but I like it," she said while letting her hands pat the delicate fabric.
Kaz opened and closed his mouth several times, meaning to speak, but nothing came, still dazed by the sight of her.
"Tired?" she asked as she knelt in front of him, starting to button up his shirt.
"You're… you're… magnificent," Kaz finally managed to get out as she was hallway done buttoning his shirt.
She paused and looked up at him with a with a raised eyebrow, waiting for Kaz to elaborate.
"I mean, for all you've done, now and in general. I appreciate it, I really do, even if I'm not always good at saying it. I am lucky to have you in my life," Kaz said earnestly.
A slight blush had started to show on her face, not expecting the complement. She once more concentrated on finishing buttoning his shirt.
Kaz continued. "The shirt is yours if you want it. It suits you way better then it ever did me, although I doubt it would work well for stealth work," he commented, unsure what she would use the shirt for beyond this night.
She patted his shirt as she finished buttoning it, looking up at him with a coy smile, a hint of wickedness in it. "That's okay, I only plan to use it when I sleep in this room."
Now it was Kaz who felt his face grow warm at the thought of Inej already planning to spend more nights here.
Inej started unravelling the laces of his boots, before gently removing them, being extra careful with his hurt leg. She looked at his pants, knowing they should have been changed as well as they were dirty, but that was a battle not worth having tonight, not wanting to push Kaz further as she knew both his exhaustion and pain was past his normal limits.
She rose instead, lightly moving around to the other side of the bed, slipping under the covers. She placed herself at the very edge of the bed, head and body turned towards Kaz.
Kaz lifted his legs back into the bed, his hurt leg protesting every movement, before letting himself slide down until he was lying on his back. He exhaled deeply, and turned his head sideways, meeting Inej's gaze.
He found he was scared and giddy at the same time. He both wanted and feared this. Inej looked calm at first sight, but when he looked closer he could see some of the same feelings fighting in her. "Are you sure about this?" he asked, giving her one last out if she needed it.
"Yes, I trust you," she answered calmly. "Can you trust me?" she asked in return, holding her breath as she waited for the answer.
Kaz took a deep breath, wanting to explain. "I trust you. I've trusted you with my life for a long time now. That is not the issue. It's myself I don't trust," he said with a pause. "I'm scared I might hurt you because of what lingers in the dark, in my unconscious mind. I don't want to hurt you…" the last words tapering off to a whisper.
She offered him a reassuring smile. "That's okay. It's skin-to-skin touch that triggers it, right?" Inej asked, wanting to make sure she didn't give him nightmares.
He turned his head to look into the ceiling, hating to talk about his weakness. "Mostly, but sometimes its also sounds, smell, taste, memories or similar things, but yes, touch is the main trigger. When I go there, I'm not in control, so If I do, you need to stay away from me, okay? Promise me," he said, turning back to her, needing her to be safe.
"I promise, but I'm the same," Inej answered. "I've hurt people. When I have nightmares of the Menagerie, I feel like I'm back there, and that I need to escape, I night to fight. Only in real life I have my knives. If anyone touches me while I am in those nightmares I will lash out, and my knives will harm whoever is on front of me, just ask Jesper about the scar on his left arm. So, we're both dangerous," she said locking onto his eyes, "but I don't want that to keep us apart. I don't want us to be alone anymore. We can get past this, both of us, but we need to take risks, to fight, to heal. We can do it, if we want it enough. I know I do, and I believe you do as well. We just need to believe in each other and support each other. So, have my back this night, okay? And I'll have yours," she said, eyes full of hope and belief.
Kaz looked at her, and believed her. "Always" he answered. She nodded at that, and let her eyes close, and her breath deepen, feeling safe and protected by Kaz's side. She was asleep only moments later.
Kaz knew he should sleep too, his body craving it, but he was captivated by her. The dark lashed brushing over her cheeks, the few loose strands of hair that had escaped her ponytail, the slow rise of her chest. He just lay there, drinking it all in like a man lost in the desert.
Unconsciously, Kaz breath and heart rate started to mimic Inej's, and eventually his exhaustion, blood loss and his bodies need to heal took over, his own eyes falling shut as he slipped into a deep, healing sleep.