If The Loud House was written by evangelicals
Albertson and Grace were hanging out at the Sanctum, watching through new episodes of The Loud House. Grace then got a ping on his phone.
"Oh, great. Evangelicals are crying about 'modern media indoctrinating kids with the woke agenda' again," Grace decried.
"Just ignore it, dude. They're loud-mouths," Albertson cautioned.
"I guess. We have better things to worry about, anyway," Grace dismissed.
"Yeah, like when you're going to write the next Sharuby Saga story. It's your turn," Albertson hinted. Grace's phone pinged again.
"Another comment saying they could do better. I'd like to see them try!" Grace ranted.
"Come on, man. Imagine how much the Loud House would suck if it was written by evangelicals," Albertson posed.
Overnight Success
Lincoln was heading downstairs to welcome his best friend Clyde McBride to his home for their first sleep-over. He opened the door to find Clyde (Caucasian in this version) accompanied by his mother and father.
"Hi, Howard and Helena McBride," Lincoln greeted. Helena replaced Harold, and was also Caucasian, with blonde hair.
"Hi, Lincoln. We really appreciate you taking in Clyde for the night. He needs to get away from all the negativity surrounding his uncle Harold," Helena replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?" Lincoln inquired.
"He had the nerve to wave the rainbow flag and tell us about his sinful lifestyle choice! He's no brother of mine! I tell you now!" Howard rambled in typical Ken fashion.
"Now, now, Howie. Focus on our kid," Helena urged.
"You're right, Helena. What would I do without you, wife?" Howard responded. Lincoln then turned to face the audience.
"Not exactly making history," Lincoln commented.
The Green House
Mrs Johnson was busy addressing her 5th grade class.
"Now, kids, ordinarily, I would be giving you your energy-efficiency assignment, but since climate change is a liberal hoax, we will instead be conducting our weekly 'active shooter' drills. Everyone into the massive steel box that's somehow still not big enough to fit all of us in," Mrs. Johnson ordered. Every kid piled into a steel shipping container in the back of the class. It was a tight squeeze, but everyone got in. Lincoln sighed heavily and addressed the audience again.
"Sadly, this is all too real," Lincoln derided.
"I'm still waiting for Super-Intendant Chen to issue my side-arm. Can anyone lend me theirs?" Mrs. Johnson asked.
Save the Date
Lori was dragging Lincoln by his collar to Jean Juan's French-Mex buffet, only to find that it had been closed down. Standing outside were a couple of cops and some federal agents.
"Sorry, this place has been revealed to be a front for the Mexican drug cartels. Trafficking in illicit substances and illegal immigrants. Disgraceful. Manager's been deported, and all reservations have been cancelled. There will be no refunds," the front-facing officer informed.
"Also, you four are in violation of the new 'race purity' laws specifically outlawing inter-racial mingling. You will all have to come with us," another officer added. Now it was Lori's turn to address the audience.
"This is why we can't have nice things," Lori sassed.
The Loudest Yard
Lincoln walks over to an injured Lynn, who had been playing in Lincoln's place and had busted her ankle when being ganged up on by the opposing team.
"Lynn, are you OK?" Lincoln asked out of concern.
"Yeah, I think I just sprained it," Lynn dismissed. However, the parents, as well as the coach had questions.
"What is going on here?!" the coach demanded.
"Yes, we want to know, too!" Rita added.
"The truth is, I didn't want to play football, so I had Lynn play for me, but now she's hurt. I'm sorry," Lincoln confessed.
"Wait, she's been an athletic superstar all this time?! I'm conducting a genital inspection! We may have a trans here!" the coach declared, at this point, Lincoln hit the pause button on a remote and the whole scene froze.
"Oh, how I wish Albert was exaggerating," Lincoln lamented.
Making the Grade
Lisa had just finished both her transformation back into her genius self and making the anti-serum for the strep-throat afflicted kindergarteners. She had entered the classroom, only to find all the young ones didn't make it.
"What happened in here?" Lisa questioned.
"I tried the hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin, but it just didn't work. Oh well, at least they are all free of pain and in the Lord's comforting arms, now," the Caucasian kindergarten teacher replied.
"I had a treatment plan and vaccination programme ready to go!" Lisa decried, at this point, Principal Huggins came up behind her.
"Vaccines! We do not tolerate such demonic concoctions in this institution, young lady! We do not want to give kids autism! Out! You're expelled!" Huggins reprimanded and proceeded to physically throw Lisa out of the building.
"One has to wonder why we have medical advisors and professionals at all," Lisa scoffed.
L is for Love
Luna was hiding behind the wall, waiting for Sam to read the love note she left in her locker. To her delight, Sam found it and read thoroughly, but delight quickly turned to horror when Sam ran for the Principal's office. Seconds later, the intercom came to life.
"Will Luna Loud please report to the Principal's office!" Princiapl Rivers announced for all the school to hear. This was followed by the typical 'ooooohhh's associated with someone being loudly told to report to said office. When Luna got there, she was met with Sam, her family, as well as the Loud parents. "Please have a seat," Rivers instructed. Nervously, Luna did so.
"Get that heathen away from my daughter!" Mr. Sharp bellowed.
"I am so sorry, sir. We'll straighten her out, don't you worry," Lynn Sr. assured.
"I should hope so!" Mrs. Sharp retorted.
"As you can see, Ms. Loud, from this note I have been handed by Sam, I was forced to inform your parents of your devious preferences. We do not tolerate groomers in this school. Royal Woods High is not for you. I'm sorry, Luna, you're expelled. You can re-apply once you've finished the course at the 'Right Path' conversion camp I have ties with. They'll help straighten you out, so you can come back normal, and liking boys, as nature and God intended," Rivers notified. Luna then addressed the audience.
"Wouldn't this suck if it happened to you?" Luna posed.
Spell it Out
Lucy had called her mute siblings into her room to pour her heart out.
"I know I shouldn't have used magic to take away your voices. I just didn't want you guys walking all over me anymore, but I should've made more of an effort to tell you guys how I felt. I'm sorry, but I can reverse this by transferring the effects onto myself. I know I'll never talk again, but it's what I deserve," Lucy revealed. Lincoln then wrote something down on a white board. Lucy gasped in horror when she read it.
"Burn the witch? Isn't that a bit much?" Lucy wondered. The scene then cut to her family preparing to burn Lucy at the stake. "Apparently not," Lucy answered her own question. Once the fire was set, Lucy turned to face the audience. "Good thing I'm a cartoon, or this would actually hurt," Lucy quipped.
Read Aloud
The Loud family were all gathered in the library to take up the reading challenge, only to find the bookshelves almost empty, with government workers still taking piles of books away to a nearby bonfire.
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience. We're just getting rid of some unsavoury books deemed inappropriate for little kidly-winks such as yourselves," the librarian informed.
"So, what can we read?" Lincoln asked.
"Over there," the librarian directed them to a shelf full of Bibles. Lincoln then faced the audience.
"Great, they'll subject kids to all the rape, torture, bestiality and incest that book has to offer, but two gay penguins and their child is where they draw the line," Lincoln joked.
Stage Plight
Luan turned up on stage for first rehearsals of 'Romeo and Juliet' when she noted a few absences.
"Mrs. Bernardo, where are Benny, Parvana, Ruby, and Shannon?" Luan asked.
"Principal Rivers' new 'spiritual purity' policies mean that any non-Christians will have to be sent to other schools that will accommodate their beliefs. Lyberti and Spencer are out, too, because of the school district's new 'racial segregation' policy. Bummer, too, because we're out most of our thespians for the production, which has also been re-written," Mrs. Bernardo then handed Luan a revised script, where Romeo and Juliet submit to the will of their families and do not pursue their forbidden romance.
"What is this?! You can't re-write Shakespeare!" Luan protested.
"You should see the new history curriculum. First lesson; the benefits of slavery," Mrs. Bernardo derided. Luan then faced the audience.
"I thought we got rid of this crap sixty years ago!" Luan raved.
Any of the 'with the Casagrandes' episodes (or just 'The Casagrandes' in general)
Ronnie Anne and her family were being held in an ICE detention center, awaiting deportation to Mexico. They had lost their jobs, their citizenships, and their homes in one fell swoop, all because of one complaint made by a racist Karen. Ronnie Anne then turned to the audience.
"Our only crime was showing off our culture," Ronnie Anne clarified.
"You think you have it bad? We got accused of starting COVID!" Sid added, recalling her family's troubles.
Elect-shunned
In a bizarre twist of events confusing everyone that saw them, Mayor Davies' sleazy, corrupt advisor Vik managed to get elected Mayor of Royal Woods, despite not promising anything beneficial to the general public, instead campaigning for the deportation of anyone who wasn't like him, purging anyone on his staff that wouldn't swear fealty to him and him alone, taking almost all of the campaign funding and spending it on himself, and generally acting like a creep when it came to debating either Davies or Leni. It didn't take long for Vik to run Royal Woods to the ground, making it the laughingstock of south-eastern Michigan and all of America by extension, and reducing it to a shell of what it once was.
"Yeah, well, what about Davies' emails?" supporters would often say when faced with the consequences of their poor decision.
Food Courting
When Leni sees that Miguel has the feels for Gavin, the new spaghetti-on-a-stick chef at the food court, she immediately switches into match-maker mode.
"Don't worry, Miguel. I'll help you land your crush," Leni resolved. She had Miguel walk up to Gavin wearing an earpiece from which Leni could feed him chat-up lines when the mall cop approached her.
"Miss Loud?" the mall cop asked.
"Yeah, that's me. Is there a problem?" Leni asked innocently. The cop then took her by the shoulder. The scene then cuts to Leni and Miguel in mall jail while Gavin files a complaint against the pair.
"Enabling deviancy?! What kinda BS charge is that?! Love is love! Love! Is! Love!" Leni emphasised.
Waking History
Lisa was presenting her latest find to the museum, an actual living cave-woman. All seemed to be going well when two cardinal-looking men showed up.
"Miss Loud, while this exhibit is impressive, unfortunately, it does not conform to museum guidelines stating that we cannot display any non-Christian pieces. Regrettably, this specimen will have to be destroyed," one cardinal informed.
"But I just managed to successfully integrate her into modern society!" Lisa protested.
"She is also a living violation of the state's new laws banning the theory of evolution. Only Creationist pieces are allowed here. Take her away and shoot her," the other cardinal ordered some goons to destroy Lisa's specimen.
"Cultural erasure at its finest, and most tragic," Lisa lamented.
Twas the Fight Before Christmas
Shelby had just came down to the living room to show off her talking Santa Sweater when her strictly Caucasian mother had something to say.
"And just what do you think you're wearing, young lady?!" Sharon interrogated.
"My talking Santa Sweater," Shelby answered.
"And in what universe is Santa a coloured man! Make him white this instant!" Sharon demanded. Shelby then turned to face the audience.
"Maybe I should've made him orange, then she'd tell me never to take it off," Shelby quipped.
Cheater by the Dozen
Lincoln and company were spying on Bobby as he meets with various different people consisting of a few women, a man, and a dog. While all of these meetings were taken out of context, they all deduced that Bobby was fooling around behind Lori's back.
"That dirty cheater! I'll flay him alive!" Lola threatened.
"We should form an angry mob and run him out of town for slighting our sister!" Leni rallied, and the other sisters agreed. Lincoln, meanwhile, had a different take, which he shared with the readers.
"He'd probably get away with it if he sprayed himself with a fake orange tan," Lincoln surmised.
Dread of the Class
Luan Loud's pranking academy was facing its very first audit, and it wasn't looking good for the dean, faculty president, and only teacher on staff, Luan herself.
"Miss Loud, let me see if I have this correctly. Your students, which you charge an exorbitant amount of tuition, consist of your boyfriend, your brother, and your brother's girlfriend. Out of these three, only one has managed to graduate, despite sinking their entire savings into this course, all to earn a diploma that is worth practically nothing and would not qualify them to work drive-through at the Burpin' Burger. Do I have all that right?" the auditor summarised.
"Please don't shut me down! I only want the best for my students!" Luan begged.
"Shut you down? No way. The fact that you can run such an obvious con and retain your students despite all this qualifies you for Secretary of State. Should you accept, you would out-rank me," the auditor revealed. Luan then turned to the audience.
"Still better than an evangelical church. At least my students get some valuable pranking skills out of it," Luan remarked. Cut to Albertson and Grace back at the Sanctum.
"Yeah, I guess that would suck," Grace agreed.
"Told ya. Now, if you'll excuse me, I agreed to walk Angel's puppies in exchange for the use of this place for this parody," Albertson responded.
"All ten of them? I swear, that girl collects puppies like cereal box tokens," Grace stated.
"Are you honestly telling me you'd decline the chance to spend time with ten adorable canines?" Albertson teased. Grace then changed his outlook.
"Room for one more?" Grace requested.
Author's note: I know I'm going to trigger a LOT of people with this parody, but I don't care. Given the current state of things, and the fact that this just came into my head, I felt like it was important to write. This parody was inspired by the Smosh video series 'If *blank* were real', which are always a laugh. Did I go too far? Did I miss anything important? Are there other shows you would like to see get this treatment? Let me know and I'll possibly consider a sequel. In the meantime, enjoy this April Fool's special. The usual disclaimers, I own nothing. All properties belong to their respective owners. Enjoy.