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Chapter XXXV – Ain't Nuthin' Funny
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Worn floorboards groaned under the weight of golden boots as Vincent Valentine crossed the threshold of Seventh Heaven's bar. He strode towards a woman who sat with her back facing him, chocolate tresses tickling her shoulder blades. Her thumb and forefingers were pressed against her temple while her right elbow propped against the worn wood grain of the bar top. Her left hand entertained a spoon that eagerly dug into a hug sundae thrice the size of her head.
A neat little cherry glistened at the top with a sunny smile. Vincent's brow furrowed under his red bandanna.
When the gunslinger reached her side, Tifa's gaze slid to meet his own. "Oh. Vincent. I have some... great news. Yeah. Great. Greaaaat. Great great great news."
Vincent made a quirk with his brow. Before he could say anything further, Tifa blurted out.
"I'm pregnant."
Vincent blinked. Then he blinked again.
Then he blinked again again.
"... What?"
A heavy weight slapped upon his shoulder. Vincent snapped his head to find Barret levelling a somber gaze at him with a gravity that held his crimson eyes steady. Then the dark-skinned man's mighty stubbled jaw moved.
"Ya know what, Vince? Ain't nuthin' funny 'bout tha funny bone."
Vincent stared at him long after the words left Barret's mouth.
"... What?"
A shrill chiptune of blips burst from the inside pocket of Vincent's cloak. The gunslinger flinched as he ripped the offending alien object from its seat and held it away at arm's length. An impossible screen unfolded in an impossible way to display a boy with a monocle staring up at him expectantly.
"Vincent! I see World Intel has stalled as of late. If you would desire more assistance, please speak with my assistant-y assistant and overall annoyance, my assistant, MAI."
"... What?"
A stampede of feet barrelled from the side room and signalled the arrival of Denzel and Marlene.
"Come on, you're so slow!" they both called behind them. Nanaki bound in shortly after with a "Coming!" in a voice that made Vincent almost drop the device in his hand. It was a grate that sounded far away from puberty. Vincent tried to peer between the fire-dog's legs to see if anything had dropped yet.
"Oh! Vincent!" Nanaki slid to a halt in front of him in a petulant voice that made him want to melt his own ears. "Tifa won't let me buy alcohol because of the whole 'Challenge Twenty-One' thing. Can you get me a twelve-pack of lager so I can sit on the street corner late at night and terrorise old ladies? Thanks!" Then he pounced out the front door after the two children.
"... What?"
"Speaking of old ladies, I guess I have a confession to make!" Yuffie unfurled from the rafters above and made a neat flip down from the wooden beams. "You see, I'm actually..." the ninja tossed down a smoke bomb at her feet and when the smoke disappeared from her features, wrinkles had taken their place. "... A grandma!" She twirled her shuriken in the air before it disappeared in a 'poof!' and turned into a walking stick she now leant on.
"... What?"
"If we're all going to be making confessions, then I suppose I have my own to make as well!" Reeve stepped in through the front door with a flick to his slick, combed-back hair. "You see..." Suddenly the man cracked his neck to the side in an unnatural twist before slumping over with his arms dangling by his sides, a vacant stare boring its way into the floorboards.
Cait Sith hopped from behind the man with a merry dance and circled around his feet. "Ah'm nae the robot here! Ah've actually bin alive all this time and it's bin Reeve who's thae robot!"
Vincent blinked like an owl.
"... What?"
"Y'all sid'down and SHADDUP!" Cid roared as he stepped in from the side room. "I need some man talk with mah good ol' mate Vince here! Ya see," Cid circled a strong arm around Vincent's equally strong shoulders, "I need to borrow some Gil. It ain't fer mah ciggie's though." He pulled the aforementioned pack from the side of his aviator goggles before tapping the box into his gloved palm. Instead of sticks falling out, however, squared pieces of paper fell into Cid's palm instead. "I actually got me a cripplin' Trading Card Game addiction and I need some bloody booster packs! Think ya can fix me up?"
Vincent stared at the card and the 'Queen's Blood' text scrawled over its surface.
"... What?"
"Forget that. He's not interested." The cool voice was followed up by the signature creak of a wheelchair that was crying out for some oil. Cloud pushed his way through the throng of people now standing in the bar with some skillful manoeuvring of the wheelchair he now sat in. "I've actually been hospitalised from a severe Chocobo Jockey accident in the Gold Saucer for three months now. No thanks to you guys. No visits, no flowers, no grapes or Lucozade, no nothing." Cloud stopped in front of Vincent's cape and peered up at the man as best he could over Vincent's stalwart cowl. "So. Where's my insurance money, bitch?"
Vincent just peered back down at him.
"... What?"
"Speaking of flowers! Where's mine?" Aerith/Aeris/Whatever/ItoldyouallitwasAerithbackinlike2005getwrecked popped her head around the corner. "I mean, I'm actually dead and you guys can't even be bothered to give me, like, a daisy?! I see how it is. I won't bother casting Holy next time, you assholes."
"... What?"
"Never mind all her shit. You get used to it." Sephiroth suddenly rose up from behind the bar with a barista apron hanging from his finely chiselled abs. "I have black tea, black coffee, whiskey of death, death, little pots of toasted death, or our club sandwich. Which is filled with death. Death mainly. So. What'll it be?" Sephiroth began to skewer a miniature Masamune sword with cheese and olives before he pieced it decisively into a multi-layered sandwich.
Vincent opened his mouth to respond with the only word he knew right now, then promptly closed it at the myriad of expectant eyes burning holes into him. He glanced towards the door, only to find Chaos hovering outside the window. On noticing Vincent's attention, the demonic entity pressed his cheek against the windowpane and wavered a sign with his clawed hand that could only be translated to, 'call me'.
Vincent turned back to everyone on the room.
"... Fuck you guys. I'm going back to bed."
And with that, Vincent spun on his heel and let his cape smack everyone in the face as he made his exit.
The silence in the room was almost a demonic entity in its own right. Then, Barret broke it.
"So. Tif'. Who's tha damn father?!"
Tifa wrung her hands then took one last bite of her sundae before opening her mouth.
Her response was drown out by Sephiroth. "So! Death, anyone?"
Chadley: Switchback! I see chapter updates have stalled as of late. LOOOONG late. You should be writing more and ignoring your crippling C-PTSD! Along with your financial difficulties and work exhaustion, among the myriad of situational life events such as addressing governmental immigration filing checks, I'm sure you can get more chapters in within two or three days rather than a whole year you complete loser. Oh, and forget about your depression and panic attacks and taking the time to have some relaxation between all the stress so we can see where Cloud is for goodness sake– wait. Cloud? CLOUD! CLOUD! CLOUD! CLOUD!– GAH. WHY ARE YOU CHOKING ME? SWITCH. SWIIITCH.
... April Fools. ;)
(Fun fact and not an April Fool's joke: Rebirth Cosmo Canyon made me lose my voice. If you VC me at any point, you'll hear it. Papanade as my witness lol. He's also to thank for a lot of this insanity. Have fun, guys! Thank you so much for your support! I'll get back to you all soon! Love y'all.)