Chapter 15.
Sam felt strangely guilty, Sitting in the Dean Cave with Eileen, a bucket of popcorn resting between them. There were all kinds of things he would usually be doing, but she had smiled at him and signed, "Neverending Story?" and the offer had been irresistible.
Watching it now had removed him of their wedding. Dean's choice of that theme song for Eileen's journey down the aisle had been perfect. It had been one of his comfort movies as a kid and now it had deeper meaning. Sharing it with her felt so good.
"I watched this so much, as a kid," she said suddenly. She looked at him, awaiting a response.
"Yeah, me too." he said.
"Do you think Mary will like it?" she said.
He smiled. "Well with parents like us, she's gonna be clever."
"Genetically inevitable." she agreed. She was quiet for a while, then she turned to him again and said, "I love the way Dean talks about her. He loves her already."
"So do I." he assured her
"I know. You're a great dad."
"I hope so. I know what you mean, though. Dean's gonna give her everything we missed out on." It was hard to keep secrets from her. He added, "I think he and Anael may want a family. He seems less hostile to the idea now."
"I get the Nephilim issue, but was he ever really hostile to the idea of a family? It feels like it's the thing he wants most."
He wished it were easier to explain, but he wasn't sure he understood it himself. He tried. "He'd love a family, but you know how he sees himself. On bad days, he's a monster, corrupted by Hell, on good days, a perfect copy of our dad. He doesn't think either will be a good father."
Eileen's smile was compassionate. She had a lot of affection for her battle-scarred brother-in-law. "I wish he knew," she said, "How fatherly he seems to every one of us. I wish he could see how good he is."
"I've been trying to tell him my whole life," said Sam, "But you know what? Maybe Mary will help with that. I know she's gonna love him and he adores her already, so maybe seeing himself through her eyes, he'll finally see who he really is."
"And then he'll let himself be a father?" said Eileen, "I hope he does, because Anael wants a family."
"Well, whatever happens, she's an important part of ours." said Sam, signing it too.
Her smile grew fonder. "I love you." she signed.
He knew he was grinning. He couldn't help it. She had a way of making him feel like he'd won life's lottery, despite the strong effort the rest of his life had made to make him feel like a perpetual loser. "I love you too." he said and signed.
Everything you've been trying to tell Dean," she said, "You need to know it's true of you too."
"Not all of it." he said. Dean was infinitely better in so many ways.
She wagged an admonishing finger and said, "You're not allowed to argue with me. I'm pregnant. If I tell Dean ... "
"You wouldn't get me in trouble, would you?" he said.
She smirked. "He'd back me. You know he would."
"Yeah, I know he would. He loves you. Maybe more than he should." He was joking. He loved that he could joke with her.
She grinned at him. "I like it." she said.
"Yeah, I bet." he replied.
"If you think I get too much love, think how he'll be with Mary."
Sam chuckled. "You realise, we'll never be able to discipline her in any way."
"I figured it out." she said, "We use it to our advantage. We tell her Uncle Dean will be proud of her if she's good."
"I profoundly appreciate your devious nature." he said.
She shrugged. "It's a gift." she signed.
"So long as you never turn it on me."
"It got you into bed." she said.
He laughed. That was not how he remembered it. "Well, that's allowed." he said. He looked at her for a long time, thinking of all they had been through to end up together, remembering how reluctant he had been to make a move, in case he screwed up a good friendship with a great hunter.
Even when all he got were green lights, he had constantly held back. The list of dead lovers lurked at the back of his mind and what did he have to offer besides a bed in the bunker and his attention anytime the monsters were quiet?
When she had died the first time, he had known he would never want anyone else. It wasn't just that a relationship with him seemed to be a death sentence. There had been something between them that he'd never had with anyone else. Her impish sense of humour gave him permission to be playful and he hadn't felt that way in decades.
Dean had seen the change in him, he knew. They hadn't really spoken about it. They never spoke about that stuff. Dean had responded to the change by becoming more protective, by checking in on him more.
The manner of her resurrection had been a problem. Knowing that Chuck had brought her back to hurt and control him had destroyed the joy of their reunion. The sudden distance between them had been almost unbearable. He had feared they had no future together. But Eileen had not stopped caring and neither had he and though they both feared Chuck had forced their feelings, those feelings would not go away.
Chuck had intended their love to destroy them through a parting that would devastate them both. Instead, they were together and happy. The existence of Mary Jo had definitely never been a part of his plan. It felt like a victory, a "Screw you!" to God, Lucifer and Azazel.
"Sam?" she said.
"Sorry," he said, "Just thinking how lucky I am."
She nodded and smiled. "That's allowed too." she said.
"Good, because it's not something I can switch off. Sometimes it just hits me. I'm with Eileen Leahy."
"Winchester." she corrected him.
"Her too." he said.
His cellphone vibrated. He took it from his pocket and read Dean's text. "Heads up. Dad's here."
"Oh crap!" he said.
She frowned. He realised he had been looking at the phone and not in her direction. She didn't know what he had said, but she knew he wasn't happy. "What?" she said, "What's wrong?"
He showed her the text. She put the popcorn down on the floor. "Do we need to go now?"
Sam looked at the phone. It wasn't a clear cry for help, but then, it never was with Dean. Not unless he was tied up and about to be killed. It was framed as a warning for him, to avoid the ambush Dean had walked into. Dean might even have wanted him to come later than planned or he might be hoping for support and he would never just say it.
"If I ask him, he'll say no. He'll say it's fine." He went on, "And maybe it is fine. He and Dad ... and Anael's there and I know Dad likes her."
She cut to the chase, as always. "But you're worried."
"Things are so fragile right now. Dad has a way of knocking him off-balance and if he says the wrong thing, it could kill Dean's confidence and mess up everything with him and Anael."
"We could get Cas to come and zap us there. It would be faster."
"Then he'd know I was worried." He might know anyway. Dean sometimes seemed to know every thought in his head. Plausible deniability might be the vest he could hope for, but he'd take it.
She stood. "So we go now and I drive fast."
As they reached the door, he tapped her shoulder. She turned and he signed, "I love you more."