Cloacajack

by mathspook777

Applejack has a cloaca. An enormous, supernatural cloaca that fits just about anything. You can even sleep in it (the bed is near the library). This anthology resembles comedy. But no matter how low your expectations are, you will be disappointed. The stories are more dumb, gross, and juvenile than you could possibly imagine. You will want to stop reading, but it will be too late.

7. Weaponized

Another timberwolf howled. "There must be at least two dozen," said Fluttershy. "Maybe more."

Leaves crackled under magical wooden paws. "Oh, I do wish we weren't in the Everfree Forest right now!" cried Rarity. "How do we stop them all?"

"We have to burn them," said Twilight Sparkle. "Every branch and twig."

Rainbow Dash said, "Hello? Where are we gonna get that much fire?"

"Twilight'll just use her magic!" said Pinkie Pie. "Because everything is possible with magic!"

"Not this time," said Twilight. "If they come at us from both sides at once, they could catch us before I can stop them. We need another fire weapon."

"Ah can make one," said Applejack. "Rarity, take this." She grabbed a dry branch in her mouth and gave it to Rarity. "Twilight, you light it on fire. Pinkie, you tie my tail up."

"How is that supposed to help?" asked Rarity.

"When you see a timberwolf, hold the lit end near my cloaca."

"But I don't want anything to do with your cloaca! And how is it supposed to save us, anyway?"

"You know how much gas ungulates like us pass every day? Well, Ah don't. Ah just keep it in my cloaca 'till Ah'm alone." The bushes around them rustled. "Get ready!"

Two timberwolves leaped toward Twilight. Two blasts from her horn shattered them into piles of sticks. As she focused her energy on burning the sticks, a timberwolf jumped out of the bushes. Fluttershy screamed.

Applejack aimed her rump. "Rarity! Now!"

Rarity shut her eyes and telekinetically levitated the brand towards Applejack's cloaca. "This is gross, gross, gross, gross!" A gout of fire sprang from Applejack's rump, engulfing the timberwolf and disintegrating it in moments.

Minutes later, Twilight and Applejack had vanquished all the timberwolves. "There's one thing I don't get," said Twilight. "Why do you keep your gas in your cloaca? Why not just pass it like the rest of us?"

"You remember the Apple family reunion? The one we was havin' when you first got to Ponyville? And you remember the smell?"

"You all work on farms. I thought farm smells just kinda followed you around."

"Nope. It's all those hearty meals of hay and alfalfa. Good country cookin', not like what you city folks eat."

"How bad can it really be?" asked Rainbow Dash.

Applejack smirked. Moments later, Rainbow Dash regretted her question.