Cloacajack

by mathspook777

Applejack has a cloaca. An enormous, supernatural cloaca that fits just about anything. You can even sleep in it (the bed is near the library). This anthology resembles comedy. But no matter how low your expectations are, you will be disappointed. The stories are more dumb, gross, and juvenile than you could possibly imagine. You will want to stop reading, but it will be too late.

13. Bonus: Parking Lot

Mayor Mare banged her gavel. "The town council is now in session. First order of business: The marketplace gets overcrowded with carts on market day. The proposal on the floor is to use Applejack's cloaca as a parking lot. I'm required to allow public comment, but I don't have to listen."

Pinkie Pie stepped forward. "Uh, hi. This is a really terrible idea because it's unfair to Applejack. So I think that if the marketplace is too crowded, we should just limit the number of carts that are allowed in."

Mayor Mare banged her gavel. "Out of order! New proposals need to be moved and seconded. Besides, limiting the number of carts would stifle our economic development."

"You can't just turn her into a parking lot!"

"Time's up! Who's next?"

Rainbow Dash stood before the council. "We could have a cart valet service. The town could hire ponies to move carts in and out of the marketplace."

Mayor Mare yawned. "No, valets are for the rich. My constituents don't like the rich. No offense," she said, nodding towards Filthy Rich, who was vice chair of the council.

"None taken," he said.

Rainbow Dash said, "But you want economic development, and a valet service would create jobs!"

Mayor Mare banged her gavel. "Out of order! The motion on the floor is still the use of Applejack's cloaca as a parking lot. Next!"

Twilight Sparkle said, "The town could build a parking garage. We could—"

"No space," said Mayor Mare.

"—buy some of the buildings—"

"Too expensive!" shouted Mayor Mare.

"Those are my most lucrative properties," said Filthy Rich.

Twilight Sparkle continued, "—by issuing bonds now and repaying them using property taxes and parking fees!"

Mayor Mare banged her gavel again. "You're all out of order! That's enough discussion. It's time for the council to vote." She pulled out stacks of bits from her saddlebags. "I assume the usual fee is enough?"

Rarity mumbled, "How can anyone bribe Filthy Rich when he already has more bits than everyone else put together?"

"I don't do it for the bits. I do it for the principle," Filthy Rich said as he snatched one of the stacks.

The vote was unanimously in favor of using Applejack's cloaca as a parking garage. Applejack said, "Now just one apple-pickin' minute! Ah never agreed to let everyone use my cloaca as a parkin' garage! And Ah don' want it used as a parkin' garage! Ah don' care how many resolutions y'all pass, Ah ain't gonna cooperate!"

Mayor Mare said, "I move to enact a special property tax rate of 99% on Sweet Apple Acres."

"That's thievery!"

Mayor Mare withdrew more stacks of bits from her saddlebags. Filthy Rich said, "Seconded."

From that day on, Applejack trudged to town every market day so that her cloaca could be used as a parking lot. The popularity of Applejack's cloaca got Mayor Mare re-elected. The town council embezzled the parking fees, so Filthy Rich got even filthy richer. Everyone but Applejack lived happily economically ever after.