I would like to apologize for my extended absence. More information on that at the end of the story.
In the spirit of April Fools (Luan's favorite holiday coincidentally), I decided to make this absolute train wreck of a story. The characters are for the most part out of character, it is all out of pocket and just chaos in general. I hope you enjoy hopefully the first of many April Fools trollfics, Lincoln is Dead!
Lincoln walked down the stairs into the living room as he hummed an upbeat tune. The sun was bright, there was no school and all was peaceful in the house. He opened the door and looked out into the beautiful world.
"Ah, it is a good day to be not dead," he summarized.
Pow! A bullet tore through Lincoln's forehead and lodged itself deep in his brain.
"Hah!" Lori laughed triumphantly from the couch in the living room with smoking gun in hand. "You are dead!"
"I am dead!" Lincoln said as he fell backwards to the floor. Lori chuckled at the sight of her annoying little brother finally lying dead on the floor. Her gloating was cut short as she heard someone coming down the stairs.
"Shit," she muttered and tossed the gun away from her, landing behind the television. Lucy came down the stairs and goggled at the sight of Lincoln.
"Lincoln is dead!" she gasped.
"Yes, I am dead," Lincoln said, a steady stream of blood pouring from his wound and out onto the floor.
"Why is Lincoln dead?"
Lori shrugged. "I dunno."
Lincoln raised his hand as if asking a question. "I think it was-,"
"Shush!" both Lori and Lucy said, raising a single finger in front of their mouths for emphasis. "You are dead!"
"Okay," Lincoln said before he went limp.
Then Lana joined them, walking in from the kitchen. "Hey you guys, what's up?" She then noticed Lincoln laying in a slowly expanding halo of blood. "What the heck happened?"
"Lincoln is dead," both Lucy and Lori explained.
"Lincoln is dead?!"
"Correct!" Lana had a huge grin grow on her face from asking the correct question.
"So, did any of you see the murder?" Lucy asked.
"Nope, sorry," both Lori and Lana answered. Lucy slammed her hand down on the armrest of the couch. "I will find her! I will capture her! And no one will ever die again!"
Lori and Lana both applauded her.
"Cool!"
"I'm very proud right now!"
"Ateeeeee-ntion!" Lola snapped as she entered the scene. She looked down at Lincoln. "Lincoln is dead?"
"We know!"
"Who killed him?"
"We don't know."
"I will find clues!" She circled the room before coming to the television.
"What's that?" She reached behind the tv and pulled out a pistol and pointed it at them. "A weapon! This is why Lincoln is dead!"
"Lincoln is dead?" the rest of them asked as they raised their hands to the sky.
"Yes! He died!" The rest of the girls gasped in horror.
"Incoming!" Luna's voice was heard from far away. Lola turned to look up the stairs, only to be run over by her princess car as it barreled down the stairs, with both Luna and Leni crammed into the front. It rolled over snapping both of their necks before it came to a stop at the front door.
Lisa jumped out from the wreck and ran towards Lincoln. "Move, now," she yelled as she shoved her sisters out of the way. She leaned down over Lincoln's head and kissed his bloody forehead.
An angelic choir and a divine glow came down from on high upon Lincoln and he began to ascend to the heavens. He then exploded, covering the side of the living room in gore. Lisa wiped the blood off her glasses and examined his twitching arm laying at the foot of the stairs.
"It is in my professional opinion," she began calmly, "that Lincoln is dead!" Lisa finished in a yell.
"Lisa, what happened?" Lana asked.
"My professional opinion? Lincoln was killed!" The remaining girls erupted into panicked chatter at the thought of being killed.
"I don't think it's anything to worry about," Lisa stated, calming their fears. They stood around as Lincoln reformed piece by piece at the base of the stairs.
"Well, now what?" Lana asked.
"Lynn-sanity is in the house, motherfucker!"
"Oh, come on," Lucy grumbled as Lynn slid down the railing of the staircase, doing a forward flip and landing on her feet right next to Lincoln.
She pointed down to him. "Look at this, Lincoln is freaking dead!" She looked around at her sister's exasperated expressions. "What'd you think of that?" Lincoln gave her an annoyed shake of his head.
"Ahm…"
"Yes, yes. Lynn?"
"Yeah?"
"Go away!"
Lynn looked at her sisters incredulously before storming away. "Ah come on! Pffff! Freakin unbelievable, seriously, you all suck," they heard her mutter as she trudged back up the stairs. She tripped on her skateboard at the top and tumbled back down and came to a stop as a heap at the bottom of the stairs, not moving.
"Okay," Lucy said, all the distractions finally out of the way. "Let's get back to the point."
Lincoln sat on the stairs poking at his dead body with the toe of his shoe. "I think Lincoln is dead."
They all gasped in horror again. "Lincoln is dead!?"
"Lynn, I can heal you!" Lisa ran up the stairs to grab some medical supplies from her room, only to fall victim to the same skateboard as Lynn. She too rolled down the stairs passing by Lincoln and landing next to Lynn.
"Okay, but seriously," he said as he pointed his finger around at his sister's accusingly. "Who killed Lincoln!?"
Crunch, crunch. "It was me!" They all snapped around to see Luan standing in the entryway to the dining room eating a slice of pie with fork in hand.
"Yes!" She scarfed down half of the pie. "I did it like this;" she raised her eating hand back as if tossing a javelin and threw the fork at Lana. It pierced her heart and she was blown back onto the coffee table from the force of the impact.
"Whoop-dee-doo!" Luan slurred as Lori, Lucy and Lincoln rushed around Lana and held her as she bled out.
Luan burped and wiped her mouth with the side of her hand. "That's a joke, everyone." Lori, Lucy and Lincoln stood up to laugh their heads off, leaving Lana to die alone.
Luan took off another piece of the pie with her hands and shoved it in her mouth. Crunch, crunch, Burp. "It was… yo-," she burped again, "Her!" she pointed straight at Lori.
Lori gasped in shock at being discovered. "How did you know?"
"I didn't!" Burp "That was a joke too!" She ate the rest of her pie immensely satisfied that she had solved the mystery, but began to choke and die on it, falling face first on the floor as Lori laughed maniacally now that her cover was blown.
"That's right," Lori cackled. "It was me!"
"You monster!" Lucy hissed.
"But whyyyyyyy?!" Lincoln whined.
"Cause you're annoying Lincoln! And another thing, you're ugly."
"Lori, stop!"
"You are very, very ugly."
"Lori, you are so mean!"
Lucy watched Lincoln and Lori have their shouting row. She shrugged indifferently and produced a length of rope and silently walked out of the living room and into the dining room.
"LORI!"
"Ah damnit Lincoln, fuck off!" she snapped at him as she flipped him off. "You are literally dead!"
"No! You are!" He snatched up the gun from Lola's dead body and shot Lori right between the eyes. "Ha," he laughed as she fell right on top of Lana's corpse. "You are dead! Not big surprise."
"Well, that was idiotic," Lucy said. She stood on top of a chair she had placed right under the noose she had fashioned from the rope that hung from the archway between the living and dining room. "Off to hang myself," she said as she tightened the rope necklace. "Watch and learn!" She did a graceful back flip that would have made Lynn proud before gravity pulled her back down, snapping her neck.
"I am alive!" Lincoln beamed. "Is nice." He looked around at the carnage, surrounded by the broken and bloody bodies of his sisters strewn around him.
"Yes, this is still good."
Inspired by the video The Heavy is Dead!
As stated before, I would like to apologize for my prolonged absence. I have been working on multiple pieces (Including a special project of mine) but to give it further quality I am awaiting the evaluation of a Beta writer who has a very busy schedule with attaining a doctorate. So to sum it up, I have not left.
To help with the development of a special project of mine, does anyone know is The Casagrandes season 1 took place chronologically during or before Season 4 of The Loud House?