"We FINALLY make contact with another human being... and our FIRST attempt at communication is going to be through a BOMB!? Am I the only one who has a problem with this!?"
- Presumably Skip Reid, sometime between 850 and 852
Connie glanced over at Sasha. "Hey."
She glanced back at him. "Yeah?"
"You ever wonder why we're here?"
After a long moment, Sasha returned to gazing over the empty field in front of them. "It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night."
A confused silence settled over the pair, as Connie stared at Sasha like she had grown a second head. "What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon?"
Sasha sweatdropped, a bashful expression crossing her features. "Oh, uh… yeah."
Connie cocked an eyebrow. "What was all that stuff about God?"
"Uh, hm…? Nothing."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
Connie also turned to gaze out over the field. "Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out."
"Mhm."
Connie continued. "And the only reason that we set up an Eldian base here, is because they have a Marleyan base over there. And the only reason they have a Marleyan base over there is because we have an Eldian base here."
"Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other."
"No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!"
Sasha tilted her head to the side in thought. "What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some titans. Next thing I know, Captain Levi blows up the whole titan army, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of Marleyan guys."
"What are they doing?" Reiner asked curiously.
Porco glanced back at him, lowering the sniper rifle. "What?"
Reiner motioned to the two Eldian soldiers below them. "I said, what are they doing now?"
"God damn, I am getting so sick of answering that question!"
Reiner held his hands up defensively. "Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day-"
Porco growled in annoyance. "Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me 'What're they doing?' my answer's gonna be 'They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!'"
"... What're they talking about?"
Porco's left eye twitched. "You know what? I fucking hate you."
The events described in this chapter are 100% canon, I assure you. Trust me.
RIP Red vs Blue
Actual update coming soon, I think.