I lay in bed again, cold sweat covering my body. I tossed and turned over and over trying to rid myself of the nightmares. It had been a month since we'd left Forks, I was sure I would get over this given some more time. After telling Jake this last time that I couldn't be with him, that I loved him but it wasn't enough we'd left promptly. A small town about 7 hours away by car. I hadn't picked up the phone once to call, I knew he didn't want to hear from me any more.
More time, I found myself lying awake painfully aware of Edward next to me. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, and I wondered if I said his name again. It had been two months in this new house, my new attempt at life but I could still hear Jacobs voice echoing in my dreams every night.
"I would have been the natural path your life followed; we would have been together if not for all this super natural bullshit Bells. You love me because you were meant for me, and I was made to love you. I would never ask you to change anything about yourself, if you let me have the chance I would make you happier than you could ever imagine." I heard his words, almost like a prayer every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to dial the phone and hear that voice that constantly bounced around my skull.
Three months in and Edward was shaking me, grabbed me by the shoulder until I opened my eyes. "Bella, honey. You're here, you're home."
My eyes popped open and I realized it was a lie. I wasn't home, instead I was surrounded by strange walls in a town I knew no one and hadn't tried to make any friends. I found Edwards eyes and saw the pain, the desperation.
"I'm sorry" I sobbed out loud to him though I knew it meant nothing. I could be drowning in misery, but I didn't need to take him down with me.
Four months in and I sat on the couch in the living room at 2AM, staring blankly at the T.V. Edward took my hand and met my eyes. "We could go back you know, even if you just wanted to visit. Seeing Charlie might do you some good." Panic flared aggressively.
"No way, I don't want to go back. I'm not ready to go back..." I whispered the end. I had been talking to mom and dad even if I lied to them every chance I got. I couldn't bear to worry either of them and if I told dad how I was really feeling I knew he'd drag Jacob down here and demand we make up on my new front porch.
Five months of feeling empty, it was starting to become physically painful. "We're worried about you Bella, you're not eating you barley sleep. Edward doesn't know what to say but we all hear you at night. Maybe you could just to talk to him, Jacob would understand and I bet he'd still want to be friends. If you could just try then you wouldn't feel like this. It's hard when you don't know if the person you love is safe and doing well, just ask him Bella. Pick up the phone okay?"
Alice held my hand and I looked up into the living room mirror and realized she was right, I had lost weight and the bags under my eyes were starting to look unnatural. "I'm fine Alice, adjusting is hard for me. You know that" I smiled my best and tried to convince myself the same.
I tried for the next month to really seem normal. I was taking Benadryl to make sure I fell asleep for at least four hours at night, I forced myself to eat twice a day even if it made me feel so sick, I threw up sometimes. I had gotten some energy back and spent free time reading and doing my best to be 'well adjusted'. By the end of the sixth month though I felt near cracking.
"I'm going hunting for the weekend, I promise to come back right away if you need anything, but Jasper is staying to make sure everything is alright." Edward had announced and I was relieved. I knew the things he'd seen recently. To think he hadn't just left me all together was a miracle, but I was tired of this front that I'd been putting on. I could relax finally and do what I really wanted. I could live in my dreams, without him laying next to me they might not be nightmares.
I nodded in agreement and counted down the days until his departure. On the first day, a Friday, I didn't move from bed all day and instead lay watching mindless television and crying on and off. It was almost liberating to be free to let my depression rule for a time instead of hiding it in an attempt to appease everyone.
Jasper wouldn't say anything, he was a good confident and an even better listener. I had poured my heart out to him a few times and he'd never breathed a word to anyone, even Alice. It wasn't in his nature, a real southern gentleman.
The next day I found myself ravenous for the first time in months and crawled out of bed to the kitchen. I made myself a three-course breakfast and then promptly borrowed a car from the garage and drove to the store. It was only the third time I'd been out of the house this whole time and I almost felt normal.
When I got home and cooked, cleaned and baked until I was covered in flour and sweating from the exertion I was no longer accustomed to. I volunteered myself for a shower with a newfound vigor. I let down my long and matted hair that I'd neglected and combed through it carefully. I scrubbed myself clean and told myself I really was feeling better.
When I laid down feeling pleasantly exhausted I closed my eyes and fell into sleep with no medicine and a smile. Today was the day and things were finally going to be looking up from here, really looking up. Until I popped up in my dream again.
It was Jacob, he was older now standing in his back yard surrounded by the pack. He held a plate of food and smiled my smile, waiting for someone. She met him, wrapping an arm around his back and leaning her head on his shoulder. Jealousy made me feel so angry I wanted to punch the girl until they turned, it was me. I smiled up at him and he kissed my lips lightly.
Everything suddenly moved around me like a time warp and when it stopped I saw myself again standing in a new kitchen looking out the window to a large backyard. I tracked the movement of my hand to my abdomen and realized that I was... pregnant? and a large shining stone sat on my finger. The me I didn't know smiled out the window and I looked to find Jake standing, his wolf watching her through the window.
More rapid movement all around me changing things as it went, this time I could tell Jake was older again, in his 40s maybe. He called something I couldn't hear up a set of stairs and three teenagers came running down, the last holding a toddler that was handed off to Jake. They all turned and looked at me, for the first time I considered that they could see me. Instead my other self walked right through me and stood close while Jake came up.
"I love you." He'd whispered it and I knew there was no way I'd have actually heard it from where I was standing but it brought to life all the other voices. I was suddenly not looking on any more, I was in the shoes of the woman who'd lived her life with Jacob. "Ew, guys come on!" The youngest teen griped, earning a smack from the oldest to the back of the head. "Mommy!" the girl in his arms cried reaching for me. I took her and began crying, holding her close. "Happy birthday Bells." He wiped the tear from my cheek. "Love you mom!" all the boys yelled in unison and the small tears turned to sobs of happiness. This was the natural path my life should have followed.
I sat up in the dark and Jasper was watching me from the doorway. "You should leave." He suggested without any malice. "I booked a flight, it leaves in 30. Lets go?"
I was out of bed faster than I knew I could move. "Did you see it?" I asked as we loaded into the car. "I could feel the gist of what happened. You deserve to find out." He took my hand and I frowned. "I could be wrong." I spoke out loud. "So?" He challenged. We got into his car and he pressed on fast, Japer was a speeder like the rest of them. "I have to know... or it'll eat me alive for the rest of my existence." I rationalized. "He'll understand." I nodded but knew I couldn't come back after this.
"Why... are you doing this to your brother? Your mate?" I turned leveling a serious stare at him. He held my eye contact and I wasn't worried in the slightest we would crash though we were going an easy 120mph. "I know they love you and they wouldn't want to drown you Bella. I also know it is difficult to see beyond what is right in front of you and they might not be able to make the right choice now, but later they will understand. I can deal with a few centuries of anger to make sure your ending is a guilt free one for everyone involved. Because we love you."
I grabbed his hand and squeezed, silent thanks for something that I hadn't deserved to begin with. We pulled into the airport and he walked me quickly to the gate. "There's money in your account and a car will be waiting at the airport, it's yours to keep. Please call if you ever need anything." He kissed me on the cheek and sent me on the plane.