Chapter 22:

Suddenly he plunged into a chasm of memories. A blur of images were forcefully pulled to the front of his mind and melded with his nightmares into a horrible mashup of fear and shadows. Adept as he was at occlumency, he knew to recognise when someone had legilimenced him . . .

Severus:

He became aware that there was another presence in his mind. They had attacked him while he was asleep, while he was most vulnerable. He responded by slamming up his occlumency shield with the intention of pushing them out completely. But instead of hitting the shield with force like he expected from someone like Dumbledore or the Dark Lord, the presence in his mind simply . . . slipped past it . . . Not even Lord Voldemort could do that!

He was helpless to stop them while they sifted through his memories without purpose or experience.

He was five and he was hiding in his bedroom wardrobe, crying while his mum and dad were screaming at each other over his first sign of accidental magic. His father had hoped he would never show these signs of magic, but when he did he had blamed them both. He never treated Severus like his own son again. Severus felt like it was his fault . . . his fault that his father didn't want him.

He was eleven, and he and Lily were sitting in the Hogwarts library, doing their homework together, when his book was suddenly snatched out of his hand by his bully and tormentor; James Potter. He felt a surge of rage and fear when the boy smirked evilly at him, and held his book just out of reach. "Leave him alone!" eleven year old Lily cried. Potter only laughed.

He was thirteen, and he was walking quickly along the Hogwarts grounds trying not to be spotted by The Marauders, but they had seen him. "Are you running away? Are you a little coward?" Potter and Black taunted while they came running up behind him. They called him names, insulted his looks, and suggested various places he should be instead of Hogwarts. Severus bit back as hard as he could. He defended himself with his wand and insulted their intelligence. But eventually, Black got enough of the verbal abuse and pushed him off the cliff he was standing too close to. Sheer panic cursed through him as he fell straight into the Black Lake and hit the surface with a painful splosh. He could hear the marauders' laughter in the distance as they disappeared back to the castle, leaving him to save himself. He scurried to keep afloat, but he had never learned to swim. Panic gripped him as he realized he was going to drown. He didn't want to die here by the hands of the stupid Marauders. He would rather kill himself than die by their hands. He sank, sank below the surface, unable to keep himself afloat while fear and misery surged through him. Then, something gripped around his waist and pushed him towards the shore. Had it not been for the giant squid, he would have drowned in that lake. After that day he had started to hang out with his other peers in slytherin. The ones who were destined to become death eaters . . . at least that way he would stay alive until the end of school . . .

He was fifteen and he was hanging upside down in front of all his classmates, while The Marauders threatened to peel his underwear off. The stress, hurt and embarrassment made him lash out at his old friend. He called her a mudblood . . . she never spoke to him again.

He was eighteen and standing in the middle of a crowd of hooded figures. All of them were wearing masks, surrounding him so couldn't have escaped if he wanted to. Fear gripped him when he saw a man in front of him with an unnaturally pale face and red eyes. Lord Voldemort, who at this time had quite human features, greeted him with a smile and held out his hand. Severus reached out his left arm and showed him his bare skin which was free of the dark mark. Lord Voldemort gripped his arm almost lovingly and said something to the crowd that he couldn't hear. He was too busy trying not to shake. At the moment he was convinced he knew what he wanted, but the back of his mind filled with regret and self loathing for what he had done that day. As Voldemort put the tip of his wand to his skin and black blotches of ink spread from his wand underneath his skin, he screamed in agony not only because of the physical pain but for what it had cost him.

He gasped for air when the presence in his mind finally pulled out like a drowning dog desperately and exhaustedly. When he opened his eyes, he was sitting on his knees in the tent, clutching his head with both hands. He was looking down at Tonks who was now back in her own body. It was clear it had been raining during the night. Rage coursed through him at the realization that it was Tonks who had breached his privacy in such a way.

"You legilimenced me!" he said, his voice shaking with fury. He tried to stand but staggered and fell to his knees again further away from her.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly. Her eyes were filled with tears. He realized she was sobbing. "I didn't mean to, I-I couldn't pull out."

"I can't believe this. How could you do that to me? It wasn't for you to see!"

"I know, I didn't do it on purpose!" she sat up and reached for his hand.

He snatched it away from her "Yes you did, you used the spell!"

"No! I swear I didn't. I only touched you, I didn't do it on purpose! I swear I tried to pull out, but I couldn't!"

"I . . . I have to go!"

"No, Severus please don't-" but he was already on his way out into the rain. He stormed to the forest edge, not realizing he was only wearing his trousers until he felt the cold water running down his bare chest. How could she!? How dare she do that to him!? Doubt coursed through him at the thought that he couldn't trust her after all. After all these weeks together sharing emotions and thoughts, he really had started to trust her. But now he was in doubt . . . What if she had only pretended to care about him until he let his guard down? What if she would use his memories against him? If she was going to do something like this again he couldn't stay in the same tent as her anymore . . . he couldn't let his guard down again . . .

He couldn't trust her . . .

The raindrops were freezing, but he didn't care. He needed to calm down before he saw her face again. Had he been in Tonks' body now he surely would have cried, but the tears didn't come. He only snarled and swore in rage at what she had done. He punched his fist into a tree trunk, cursing when that did nothing but hurt his knuckles. He kicked the mud, getting thoroughly drenched from the heavy downpour. His hair stuck to his face and he was shivering. But he didn't care at the moment. He just had to get it out.

He slid down the trunk of a tree, feeling his bum get soaked when he sat down and covered his face with his hands. He only focused on breathing while he listened to the rain surrounding him. The sound calmed him down slightly. Now that he thought about it, he could feel a pit of devastated regret and worry coming from Tonks. He detected no glee, no sense of triumph or anything that indicated ulterior motives. He sighed when he looked up and saw her coming towards him, carrying his cloak in her hand.

He let her kneel down next to him and drape his cloak over his shoulders. She had put a warming charm on it, relieving him of the chill that was making him shiver.

"You are very angry with me" she said. She knew him well enough.

"What do you think?" he said harshly.

She sighed "listen, I'm sorry-"

"No, you listen! YOU VIOLATED MY PRIVACY! Those memories were MINE and MINE ALONE! You had no right to see them!"

She sobbed again, new tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry! It was an accident. I would never do something like that to you on purpose! You know that! It won't happen again!"

"It better not. It's bad enough that we have to share almost everything already but there are some things that I want to keep to myself!"

"I know!" she said, looking down at her clenched hands "I know. Those memories weren't for me to see." She sniffed pitifully "I won't ask any questions about them or mention them again. In fact, I will pretend I never saw them at all."

He frowned at her. "How does that make it okay!? You've seen them now! It's too late!"

she sniffled again. "I'm sorry. Please, believe me. I didn't legimence you. I didn't use the spell. All I did was touch you. It wasn't on purpose!" She covered her own face and sobbed quietly.

Looking at her now while his own rage slowly dissipated, he realized he believed her. She wouldn't have done something like that to him. Not on purpose. She had probably touched him at the wrong moment during The Switch. After all, they didn't fully understand the link they had yet. ". . . I believe you". He said quietly. He touched her shoulder lightly. "You should go back. Try and get some sleep." She nodded and left. Severus stayed in the rain for a few more minutes. Still calming himself down from the terror of his memories. Reliving them again had torn up old wounds in him that made him feel exposed and vulnerable. But the sound of the raindrops helped him focus. He dwelled on the scent in the air and the cool breeze on his skin. He loved the smell of rain. It made everything smell clean and fresh.

He returned to the tent after an hour. When he came back, he found Tonks laying under her blankets still in tears.

He said nothing when he settled himself down in the darkness but he felt very aware of her sniffling. He reached out and put a hand on her cheek. "It'll pass" he said quietly.

She gave a strange and slightly hysterical laugh and put her hand on top of his on her cheek. It struck him how ironic it was that he was comforting her about his own memories. "Thank you" was all she said. But she wouldn't let go of his hand until she fell asleep an hour or so later.

Severus couldn't sleep anymore that night. All he managed to do was listen to her breathing until it was time to get up in the morning. He left the tent in the early morning hours and dressed himself quickly. Even though it was still drizzling slightly, he started up a campfire with his wand and settled down to stare at it until Tonks joined him.

"Didn't get much more sleep?" she asked while she sat down next to him.

"No"

"Sorry" she said.

"There is nothing much to do about it" he said, not knowing what else to say. But he made a point of looking at her, mentally letting her know he wasn't angry anymore.

She smiled sadly and looked down at her lap. "I guess." After a quiet minute while she seemed to contemplate something, she took his hand in hers "I'm sorry I didn't understand."

"Understand what?"

"How bad they were." Severus couldn't say anything. He knew she was talking about Black and Potter. "Had I known . . ." She didn't need to finish. He knew what she was thinking. Had she known she wouldn't have rattled on about how he should have forgiven them by now.

"You couldn't have" he said calmly.

"What I can't understand is how they could lie about it so blatantly!" She blurted and let go of his hand. Cool air seeped over his skin where her hand had been.

"They told everyone that you hated Sirius because you were jealous of him and James about their quidditch skills! Even Dumbledore said it was only a 'boyish rivalry'. How could they undermine it so?"

Severus closed his eyes. Rage blazed up in his chest again. Jealousy over quidditch? Was that what everyone thought? "Because they are selfish and cruel! Because after twenty years, they still won't admit they are bullies and murderers. Dumbledore is no better, do you know what punishment Black got for trying to feed me to a werewolf? A stern reproach and two weeks of detention! If any slytherin had done the same thing, they would have been expelled. Dumbledore was so blind to his precious Griffindors he couldn't see anything beyond his own fucking nose!" Severus realized he was shouting at the end of his rant. He was also standing. Not remembering when he had got up, he sat down again next to Tonks who only listened patiently.

"I don't want to discuss this anymore," he said finally.

"Yeah" She took his hand again and squeezed it.

They sat in silence until Sir Goddart appeared from his tent and greeted them by the campfire. Soon they were joined by the others. Sir Goddart fished out the last of their old bread and some dried meat for breakfast. A sad combination of chewy and dry. Oh how he missed coffee at this point.

Feeling the tiredness finally sinking over him while the three medieval men chattered in the background, he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep now that he finally managed to calm down after the night. Funnily enough, he hadn't been able to truly calm down until Tonks and the other men came to sit down. Maybe he had needed some noise around him to get rid of his thoughts. Sir Nick's chatter about how he intended to join the king on a hunting trip allowed him to focus on something else, and by the time they were ready to ride on he had managed to fix his occlumency shield firmly in place.

Tonks on the other hand was not so calm. They didn't speak to each other, but he could feel she was thinking hard. The realization about her cousin had disturbed her, and now she doubted who she could trust.

Being back in his own body, Severus had full control over his occlumency shield. He'd had years to get past and over his memories from school, but he could feel Tonks was disturbed by them. She had probably thought of Black as a prankster, much like the Weasley twins. When she realized what he had really been like, it opened up a whole lot of questions for her. Through their link he could feel that she was thinking hard. Contemplating and doubting her cousin.

She was disturbed. She wanted to talk about it, but she knew Severus didn't want to discuss it. And so she stayed quiet for the rest of the day, leaving it to Severus to keep a conversation with the other men.

By nightfall, and after they had set up camp by a thicket of blackberries, Tonks retired early, needing time to herself. Severus reluctantly stayed with the other men, and continued to pretend that he cared about their interests like hunting, flying and women. He stayed longer than he had planned. After Nick started handing out swigs of his whiskey, the conversation became more comfortable, and by the time they agreed to retire he realized he'd enjoyed himself.

Smiling to himself he walked back to his and Tonks' tent when he suddenly stopped.

A sudden assault of panic crashed through him so out of the blue it almost made him stagger. Then, almost as suddenly the panic was replaced with an odd sensation he couldn't place. That was certainly not coming from him. 'Tonks must be in trouble!' he thought.

Without thinking he hurried into the tent, thinking she might have had a nightmare. But she wasn't there. He ran around the perimeter of their camp, looking, listening for anything that could give him a clue.

He finally found her behind a thicket of bushes.

. . . thoroughly snogging sir Fergus Cresent . . .