hello, hello. I've decided Mondays are going to be the day I shoot for updates. I appreciate the reviews, Bella does seem to have some depression but hopefully things get better. Sometimes it's hard to regulate your emotions when things are happening at warp speed, and so many questions don't have answers. Happy reading :)
I knew she'd make short work of calling Sam and trying to stop me so I moved at hyper speed to make it out the door. It was only a five minute walk to where I was sure someone was staked out patrolling and if I had any luck they would be gathering to switch shifts right about now. I trudged up a small hill in only moderate mud grateful that it wasn't raining since I hadn't had the forethought to put on a jacket. I saw the tree line and headed right for it.
A warm hand locked around my arm stopping me in my tracks. "Don't even think about it." Paul leaned over to whisper in my ear.
"Everyone should know that picking on you is no way to behave!" I stomped my foot and spun on him growling. "I can take it Bells, I'm an adult. I made a choice, and you are so overreacting anyway. Don't let them force you into something you aren't ready to do." His grip loosened and he rubbed the length of my arm earning goosebumps. "I... I want to see Seth" I mumbled.
He smiled lopsided and sweet, softening. "Yeah, i thought you'd say that." He turned to the woods and yipped loudly. "Lets go wait in the house, he'll be around as soon as he can." He draped an arm over my shoulders and I was warmed, leaning into his side. "How come you didn't tell me? I would have helped." I looked up at him but he kept his gaze fixed ahead. "I guess I wasn't ready to talk about it." I found myself staring at the ground feeling shame burn through me. I'd been ready to demand answers and push as hard as I had to but Paul had given me freedom and space to do what I needed. Selfish.
"Let me know when you want to ahhhh... talk?" I Smiled at him but he was lost somewhere deep in thought. I worried then, really thinking of how much trouble I'd caused him, I knew it wasn't great to keep everyone away and I hadn't expected him to really. Paul had taken his task very seriously and I had no way of thanking him. Suddenly he perked up at a distant howl and grinned ear to ear.
"Can you cook some dinner?" He beamed and I couldn't help but smile in return. "They want to see you if you'll let them. They will have to cram into my tiny house though..." he quirked an eye brow and I nodded feeling weight lift from my chest. "Bring everyone over in about two hours and behave yourself in the mean time." I conceded stopping at the front door. He nodded and turned, about to dart back off. I caught his hand before he left though and held his gaze. "Not him though..." more shame at how weak I was. He pecked me on the cheek and smoothed my hair as if I were a child. "I'm not a complete idiot."
I threw together a giant pot of beef stroganoff and loads of garlic bread that was done just as the doorbell rang. I panicked a little, Paul wasn't here but someone else was. Reminding myself that this was where I belonged as well I pushed panic down and opened the door with a cheerful face.
I was wrapped up in that super natural heat and off my feat, someone inhaling my scent, before I even had time to see who it was. "Bella..." The sad and broken sound of his voice killed me on the inside, I wrapped my arms around Seth who I thought might be crying and I cried too.
I cried for all the shitty things that had happened in the last few days, for being home but being prisoner to my own thoughts, I sobbed at the giant hole that was ripped open right through the middle of me when I realized that there might not be a space for me here any more. I cried for Edward, who I had loved and lost, for my teenage self who had been so unaware of anything outside of him.
When Seth set me down I could see the maturity in his face, his eyes didn't reflect the same boyish nature, he'd grown and changed. "I'm sorry." We both said in unison and then he cracked a half smile. Large hands reached up to wipe my tears and he cocked his head "You first." I nodded and rushed my words out. "I wanted to see you, to talk to you. I was just so worried about what might happen to my fragile mental state if you didn't feel the same way. I blocked you all out and I'm sorry Seth."
He pressed his face to mine in a purely lupine gesture. "I would never not want to see you. You belong here with us and I... I'm sorry if I didn't always make you feel that way, that I gave you a reason to doubt me." I grabbed his hand and shook my head. "You didn't, I just have a severe problem of getting lost in my own head."
He cocked his head to the side, listening. "Paul is about to come in" just like that the door swung open and Paul nodded to me before tipping a wooden chair back at the table to sit. "Smells great Bells, I know I'm a little early but I wanted to make sure Seth here was being a good boy." Seth sneered in Pauls direction. "Like I'm the one with behavior issues." I rolled my eyes.
"Well help me put the leaf in the table and get the other chairs out so we've got room for everyone." I said placing a hand on my hip. "What if I don't have it? They can find a seat in the living room." Paul complained. "Now Lahote, it's in the shed along with the matching chairs. I've been cleaning remember?" I teased and winked at them both.
Seth looked like he was going to faint when Paul actually got up and growled at him to do the same. "You trained a wild animal?" Seth fake whispered on his way out the back door. "Careful, he bites." I laughed.
We got the table set and the food ready to go while we waited for people to start showing, but by 7pm I sighed sitting at the table. "I don't think anyone else is coming. Are you guys going to get in trouble for this?" I raised an eyebrow. "Nah, they'll come. Dyani decided to have a dinner tonight, very suddenly actually. They have to go there first."
Paul reached over and punched Seth in the shoulder. "Who?" I asked confused. "Uhh... Jakes girl." Seth wouldn't meet my eyes. "Oh, well I hope they do then, can we go watch a movie in the mean time?" I tried to push it down. Ignore the hurt, it would pass. Paul was up and out of the room faster than I could track him. Seth held his elbow out for me escorting me, I sat on the worn couch in the middle.
I didn't pay attention to what they picked and suddenly felt so exhausted while I sat in the supernatural warmth that I closed my eyes for only a second.
An aggressive knocking startled me, and I shot up causing Seth and Paul to lean on each other instead of me. I smiled and rolled my eyes walking to the kitchen. The clock read 11pm and I started to worry, who could it be at this hour?
With no peep hole I had no way of knowing who was on the other side but I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I had two ferocious beasts sleeping on the couch just feet away if I needed them. I pulled back the door with more anxiety than I'd felt since I'd been in this house to reveal...
Jared, Leah, Quil, Embry, and even Sam stood on the stone steps behind Pauls screen door. "we're late..." Embry looked sheepish. "We brought booze." Jared smiled lopsided and everyone produced bottles passing them up to me. "I brought cards." Sam held multiple decks in large hands. "We got stuff for dessert." Bags of marshmallows, Grahm crackers and varied chocolate were set on the steps. "Can we come in?" Quil asked.
I felt Seth and Paul behind me and felt my eyes fill with tears. "Dinner is cold now." I sobbed. Jared threw me over his shoulder and walked into the house followed by the rest of them. "Seth is good in the kitchen he can reheat it." Embry teased and I cried harder. "Put her down, she can't breathe." Paul growled.
"You don't get her all to yourself anymore." Quil barked. I began flailing and growling to mimic them. "Put me down!" I was set on my feet promptly. "She's scary when she's all growly isn't she?" Leah patted me on the back and that was all it took. "Thank you all for coming!" I could barley see through the river of happy tears that soaked my face. "Welcome home for real." Paul rubbed small circles on my back soothing.
"Can we play some cards?" Seth said pulling out a chair. Everyone sat down and we played drinking games and go fish for an unnatural amount of time as a group of adults. Eventually we moved outside with continued drinks and a bon fire, even breaking out the old stereo. Seth was the smores maker and handed them out as they came, even Sam and Leah were peaceful.
We spent hours talking, laughing, happiness filled me to the brim. I drank more than I should have and didn't feel guilty at all. I sat down on a blanket and pondered everyone around me, all brought together even though he would be mad. I cringed and some of my happiness faded, sucked away by an emptiness that only Jake could fill. I downed my drink in one gulp and laid back on the blanket.
I watched the stars from my place on the ground and contemplated how everything in life had transpired, how this moment had come to be as it was. It was my fault I knew, for not recognizing what I truly needed a long time ago. I was distracted then by approaching footsteps.
"You're druuuuunk" Seth teased taking my empty cup. "And happy" I retorted holding out a hand from the blanket on the ground. He pulled me to my feet and we swayed to some nameless melody in the background.
"Do you think you'll remember to meet me for breakfast if I ask you now or will you be to wasted?" Seth teased me mercilessly. "Look I don't drink so this is... yes! I can remember!" I had almost gone on a rant instead of answering him. "I'll be here at 10 to pick you up. Don't forget." He spun me around and around, at the end the whole world was tilting I knew it couldn't just be my head.
"Time for bed Swan?" A feminine voice asked from a place I was unable to pinpoint in the spinning world. "I am free!" I yelled spinning more on my own.
Someone scooped me up mid spin and I pouted loudly. "Don't you dare try to take me to bed, you are not in charge of me!" Paul looked down skeptically and cocked an eye brow.
"It's almost 5 in the morning, you're wasted. Bed time." I waved over his shoulder watching everyone.
"I will so not be up in 5 hours" I said leveling a serious stair at Paul. "Can you tell Seth dinner will be better instead?" I asked. "I'm sure he's aware that no one will be up in 5 hours. Save for myself and Sam anyway..." It dawned upon me suddenly that someone had to be on patrol didn't they?
"Tell Sam thanks for coming, it was good to see him. It felt good to see everyone. I needed this, but hey since I'm drunk and some liquid courage I do have something I've been meaning to ask you..." I briefly waited his response but he just lifted that that eye brow in silent query. "How is it that you're able to keep my secrets? I know when you're given an order they get obeyed. Even if you don't want to." I wrapped my arms around his neck as we made it up some stairs and the world shook as we ascended.
"I had hoped you might ask anything else. I don't really have an answer, when Sam demands something my body just complies automatically even if I hate it. But when you're involved at all it's voluntary. I have some privacy for some reason. Well, you do anyway." I tried to meet his gaze but he wouldn't look at me. "But that's never happened before unless someone is an imprint right?" I clarified still searching for his chocolate eyes. "It's not... you're not mine... it's hard to explain. I've seen imprinting through the others and it's not what I feel."
I wanted to open my mouth and ask more, did he feel something then? What was it? And how did I fit in to all this anyway. Instead, throwing caution completely to the wind because why the hell not I said "You hated me Paul, a lot, and then suddenly over the last few days you're as close to a savior as I've had. Don't look at me like that, it's true even if you don't feel that way now. I just don't want to be left out of the loop here, and if you really don't know what's going on than maybe we should talk to someone who might be able to figure it out."
His brooding eyes turned thoughtful as we stood in the bedroom doorway. "Old Quil has asked to see you but I wasn't sure you'd be up to it so I haven't said anything until now, not that you're gonna remember this because you're clearly wasted." I hissed, feeling suddenly very sheltered. I scrambled to be put down, out of his arms and then trying to stand straight.
"I think maybe I've caused a lot of trouble for you lately... I'm not a baby, you don't have to protect me. Maybe I've overstayed my welcome and you just can't say it." I walked towards the bed and it struck me that I'd even taken his bed at that moment. I stopped in my tracks.
"You're not any trouble, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We need you here Bella, it feels complete when you're here." He said with a ferocity that caught me off guard. It felt like I was a lifetime away from where I'd been less than a week ago and I was reeling.
"The pack is mad at you, you're home has been invaded, you do menial tasks for me all the time, hell I've taken your bed!" I spun on my heal almost falling. His hand shot out to stead me. "What's mine is yours." He was standing close, too close, I backed up until my knees hit the bed sitting against my will.
He was gone without another word and I was left to my own devices. I laid down trying to focus on one thought or the other but everything saw together until it was just an eventual black nothingness.
Thanks for reading lovely people, see you next week! :)