Please note that this story is a series of shorts based on and linked to the Borderlands Fanfic Rebel Anarchy. It is advised that you read the noted chapter of that story before reading this chapter for full context.
The events of this chapter take place after chapter 9 of Rebel Anarchy and before chapter 10.
Disclaimer: I do not own Borderlands or any of its characters, Borderlands is owned by Gearbox Software and 2K Games, the only ownership I claim is of my OCs. This is a story just for your fun and enjoyment. Please enjoy.
-Stories text formats-
"Talking"
'Thinking'
"Echo/Radio"
'Krieg's inner voice'
Quests of the Day:
-Medical Mystery-
-Medical Mystery: X-Com-municate-
X-X-X
Quest 4
Guns, Medicine, and Hard Liquor
It was another normal day in Sanctuary.
"SON OF A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH!"
. . . Just a normal day.
Kai and Axton were watching as Dr. Zed was trying to extract a large hunting knife from Salvador's left leg. "Just hold still, you big baby. It's just a Pandoran splinter." Zed said as Sal gave him an incredulous look.
"Doc, a Pandoran splinter is something like a single gunshot wound or that skag tooth Kai had in his arm the other day. This is a bloody stabbing and murder attempt!"
"For eridine sake, Sal, just hold still and let the man work. Seriously, it's almost like he's never been stabbed before." Kai said as Axton just snickered.
"Oh you think this is fun, how about you guys come and feel what it's like to be staAAAAGH!" Salvador screamed. He looked to see Zed holding up the offending knife as he jabbed an insta-heal into Sal's leg.
"Firstly Sal. This isn't funny, it's hilarious. Second, I've been stabbed several times already. In fact." Kai said as he lifted his jacket enough to show his stomach. "Here's the proof." To the left side, there were two old scars on the side of his belly. "A Hyperion soldier shanked me twice before Hati tackled the guy and ripped his head off."
I got stabbed during an op to take out a cell of militant clowns on Bailey 2, and this one i got from an angry X after I slept with her two sisters." Axton said as he rolled up his right sleeve to show off one long scar on his upper bicep.
HA! You guys must have sucked then to have been stabbed!"
"Look who talking. Besides, at least we can say we got our wounds from combat… or during the escape of a vindictive girlfriend. Your's was a freaking accident and a stroke of bad luck!" Kai retorted making Sal grumble in irritation.
"Umm, what's going on? The three men turned to the door to see Gaige standing there with a confused look. Then she noticed all the blood still on Salvador's leg and saw the bloody knife next to him that Zed had set down. "Sal, what happened!?" She asked worriedly.
"I ugh, got into a bar brawl at Moxxi's." Salvador tried to say with confidence.
"Yeah if you can call getting accidentally hit by blind man Wilconson while he was playing drunken darts a brawl." Axton said as Kai just laughed.
"What!?" Gaige asked in shock as Zed walked over and cleaned the now healed-up wound before applying a bandage.
"Aw relax Red, he's good as new, minus a little scaring and the bill." Zed stated as he held out an open hand, to which Salvador began grumbling as he pulled out a wad of cash he slapped it in the doctor's hand. "Anyways while I have all of your attention I need you guys to help me with something.
Do any of you know what can create a bullet hole but isn't a bullet?"
The Vault Hunters all stared at Zed as if he had grown a second head. "Zed, that makes no sense." Axton said.
"Just take a look at this." He said as he pulled the sheets off a covered table to reveal a body with a hideously disfigured face, with several gunshot wounds dotting the chest.
"Oh my gosh! Wh-what happened, did someone mutilate him?" Gaige said as she covered her mouth.
"No, that's just Hideous Dave. Good guy but he was always getting into trouble." Zed said as Kai walked over for a closer look.
"Looks like someone shot him with-" Kai began to say only to frown and take a closer look at the hole.
"You see it too?" Zed asked.
"Yeah, the entry wounds are all wrong… What about the bullet?" Kai asked as he took a scalpel and poked at one of the wounds.
"None."
Kai stopped for several seconds until he looked at Zed. "Laser weapon?" He inquired.
"While there are burns, they are inconsistent with all the laser weapon wounds I have seen. Plus they tend to be a little messy, this is much cleaner."
"Then what caused this?" Axton asked as he looked over the body.
"That I don't friggin' know… But I might have an idea as to who causin' it since the few victims brought to me are all comin' from Three Horns. An old rival of mine named Doc Mercy lives out in that abandoned shock fossil cave, he's likely the one shooting these people." Zed said as he placed the cloth back over the body.
"You think a doctor is causing this?" Gaige asked.
"Don't let that name fool ya, unlike me, he's more interested in creatin' wounds than patchin' 'em up. Also unlike me, he actually has a medical license." Zed said which caused Gaige's eyes to widen.
"Wait, you don't have a medical license?" She asked as Zed just waved her question off.
"I want ya'll to head over there, kill Mercy and his goons, and find out what kinda weapon's causin' 'em wounds. And of course, I'll pay you." Zed said.
The four Vault Hunters all looked at one another. "Well, I got nothing better to do." Axton said.
"What about the others?" Gaige asked.
"Zer0 out doing a job for Hammerlock, something about helping him hunt and kill a radioactive super skag that has atomic breath. Don't know about the others." Salvador said as he got off the table.
"Maya and Krieg are doing a job for Tannis, she studying some nearby Eridian ruins where there is some kind of hidden artifact or something," Axton said as he pulled out a Dahl assault rifle. "Welp, let's go commit a war crime."
"What does he mean by war crime?" Gaige asked hesitantly as they left Zed's.
"Well technically, knowingly killing medical personnel is considered a war crime." Kai said.
"But considering this guy will likely be shooting at us and has murdered people then it's probably not going to count." Axton said with a shrug.
"But knowing Jack, if he hears word of this he'll just overinflate the crime and add another few billion onto our bounties."
Gaige was silent for several seconds before letting out a sigh. "We're going to hell, aren't we?"
Salvador let out a boisterous laugh. "Niñita, this is Pandora, this is where El Diablo sends the wicked. We're just the wardens."
Gaige just let out another sigh as Sal and Kai laughed together. "I was afraid of that."
An hour later they made it to a cave in the Three Horn Valley. "So what's the plan?" Gaige asked.
"Well from what I know, there's a small bandit camp in there. They're a group known as the Bloody Donors, I'm guessing Doc Mercy is their leader. The place used to be a shock crystal mine with a large generator that still works, part of why they live here." Kai said as he started messing with his ECHO.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Getting something I made after our encounter with those badass Bonerfarts." Kai said as Gaige giggled at the joke of a name. Kai pulled out a small device that looked like eight shotgun shells bounded together into a fanned shape-charge with several small sensor components.
"Oh, is that a mine?"
"Yup, I can digistruct several at a time, just cost me twelve shotgun shells per mine. I call them Bear Claws, it's got the power of a basic grenade mode and is set in a shape-charge. I just can't throw them." He walked over to the entrance and set three on the ground pointed towards the entrance and attached one to either side of the opening. "Alright move back." Kai said as he tapped several commands on his left wrist computer.
They ran over to a rock and all ducked behind it. "So how are we going to get the bandits to come out?" Axton asked.
"That easy." Kai said before taking a deep breath. "YOUR MEAT BICYCLE HAS FIVE FURBY'S AND A SLICE OF MOLDY FLAMINGO PIE!" Kai yell. Several seconds pass until a yell comes from within the cave. Everyone but Sal looked at the rebel with confused looks. "Just wait for it."
"I RESENT THE PLEASANTRIES OF YOUR BRUTWERST!"
From the cave, about two dozen Psychos dressed in old, dirty, and bloody hospital gowns armed with Buzzaxes, bone saws, and bedpans welded to rebar poles rushed out to attack. When half of them made it through the entrance Kai hit a button on his wrist causing all the mines to detonate as the bandits were peppered with explosive pellets.
When the Vault Hunters looked over nearly all the Psychos were dead with only three or four standing. "HAHA! That was awesome!" Salvador yelled as he pulled out a Jakob's assault rifle and began finishing off the remaining psychos.
"You know, for someone who wears a skirt, that was kind of impressive." Axton said.
Kai just scowled at the commando as Gaige tried to hide a laugh. "For the last time, this is not a skirt, it's a kama or armored belt cape. What Gaige has is a skirt."
"Aww, but then we can't be skirt buddies." Gaige teased as Kai turned his glare on her.
"Oh, don't you start to miss Roboto."
"Miss Roboto! I'm a cyborg, dog breath, not a robot!" Gaige countered. As Kai was about to retort when a scream of anger came from the cave. They all looked to the entrance to see a muscular Bruiser in a tight and ragged nurse's outfit, a white Bruiser helmet with a red cross on the cheeks, and an old nurse cap on top of the helmet walk out of the cave. The odd thing though was that the Bruiser had a narrow waist, wide hips, long dirty blond hair in a ponytail coming from the back of the helmet, and boobs… very large boobs.
"What the fuck!?" Axton and Gaige yelled.
"Well, that's disturbing." Kai said as he put a hand on Gaige's shoulder to get her to move back with him.
"I thought all the bandits were male!?" Axton said as he pointed a Dahl SMG at the Bruiser.
"There are a few female bandits, after all, new bandits have to come from somewhere, as disturbing of a thought as that is. . . Although considering how many new bandit camps appear to the amount we eliminate the numbers don't add up." Kai said as he brought his Clementine up.
Salvador walked up to the female Bruiser with a mad grin on his face. "You pendaos go ahead and find the doc, I'm going to have some fun with the ugly hag." He said as he cracked his knuckles.
"Oh dear, what a rambunctious little patient you are. It looks like Nurse Coco will have to take some extreme measures for your treatment." The now named nurse Coco said as she pulled a comically oversized rusty surgical scalpel from her back and a slag Tediore shotgun in her left hand. "Don't worry my little brave boy, Nurse Coco going to fix you right up!"
Salvador pulled out a Bandit pistol and picked up a bone saw on the ground by him. "Bitch, you're the one who's gonna need fixing by the time we're done." Sal said as his grin grew wider.
Axton, Kai, and Gaige all rushed into the cave where they saw a large power generator that was humming and a small shantytown in an opening to the left that had a single path that led to a shack that was nestled in the skull of a giga creature. Several bandits in a haphazard assortment of bloodied surgical garbs began to fire on them. Gaige released DT who charged at the nearest bandit, grabbing him by the head before throwing the man across the cave into a wall. DT then turned and fired its laser at a marauder, slicing the man's chest from the lower right chest to his left shoulder, while setting him on fire. "Wreak'em, babe!" Gaige cheered as she unloaded a few shots of her Torgue shotgun into a Psycho charging her with a bedpan bat before swapping to her Maliwan SMG.
Gaige looked over to see Kai swap out his Clementine for a rare Maliwan incendiary SMG and he immediately started firing upon several bandits coming out of the nearby houses. He pulled out a grenade and threw it through a window as he passed by and then chucked Hati's Holo sphere into another building. Three seconds later the grenade went off and blew the face of the house open. A second later a scream was heard as Hati dragged a psycho from the house by the leg and tossed him to the ground. Before the psycho could recover Hati pounced on top and began ripping at the neck.
"NO! MISS COCO WAS ABOUT TO GIVE ME A BLOOD BATH! URK!"
As Hati attended to the psycho, Kai was slowly advancing with Axton who was on the other side of the road, dealing with any bandits who would pop out. Gaige's attention was suddenly drawn to some movement above Kai as she saw two figures stand up. "KAI! ABOVE YOU!" Both Kai and Axton looked to see a pair of marauders jumping over the roof towards Kai. Axton trained his Dahl assault rifle on one marauder and fired two bursts, putting several in the marauder's chest and at least two in his head making the man fall to the ground in a dead heap.
The other Marauder landed on Kai, who had no time to move and knocked the teen to the ground. The man quickly pinned Kai down on his front by the knee to the back. Axton was about to fire at the Marauder when a midget in a surgical gown jumped on Axton's back and stabbed his shoulder with an orbitoclast (A lobotomy spike). "AH! GET OFF ME!"
As Axton dealt with his own foe, Gaige saw the Marauder pull out a nasty-looking surgical knife from his belt. "I need a new gallbladder for my mother!'
Gaige aimed and fired several shots from her SMG at the Marauder. However, Gaige's anarchy was throwing her shoots off-target as several impacted Kai's shield. "Gaige, not helping!" Kai yelled as he struggled against the marauders.
"Ha, you can't hit the broadside of a barn cunt! Ahh!" The marauder yelled in surprise as one of Kai's holo-blades activated and grazed the side of the man's hip. The momentary shock let Kai roll over, only to have to catch the Marauder's arms as he tried to bring the knife down on him. Gaige swapped to an uncommon Jakob's assault rifle Sal had given her and fired several times at the Marauder, only to miss all her shots and have two hit Kai's shield.
"Are you even aiming!?" Kai yelled in frustration as he struggled to hold back the knife.
"You try firing this gun, it kicks like a Delrexion goat mule." Gaige said as she reloaded.
"That thing barely has more recoil than a BB gun!" Kai yelled back. Just then Kai's hand slipped and the knife came down, Kai barely avoided the blade by leaning his head to the left, receiving a small cut on his left cheek. Kai grabbed the arm again in an attempt to keep the knife pinned to the ground only to receive a right hook to the face from the Marauder.
"Well, I'm not the one who grew up with a crazy old gunsmith!" Gaige yelled as she ditched the rifle and pulled out her Rogue Smuggler.
"Dixon is, not, CRAZY!" Kai yelled as he stabbed his right holo-blade into the Marauder's gut several times, making the man flinch in pain and allowing Kai to kick him off of him.
The Marauder tried to get up only to receive two quick bursts from Gaige's gun right to the face killing him. "Then what the fuck would you call him?"
"An insane old gunsmith." Kai said breathing heavily as he got up and picked up his SMG. "The colonel was the crazy one." He finished as he brought the SMG up towards Gaige. Before the teen could react several glowing red tracers flew just inches from her face. A scream of pain erupted from behind her as the teen looked to see a burning psycho falling back as he withered on the ground in pain.
Gaige looked back at Kai with anger. "Will you stop doing that!"
"Sure, when you start paying attention to your surroundings." Kai said with a cheeky grin.
"Asshole." Gaige muttered with a pout.
An explosion caught their attention as what appeared to be purple laser bolts flew past. Axton who looked panicky ran and jumped behind a low wall. "I think we found Zed's mystery weapon!" Axton yelled as he swapped to a Torgue triple barrel shotgun. From a small shack propped up in the skull's massive jaw came a man dressed in a white and red nomad's jacket with a bloodied psycho mask. In his left hand was a large steel sign with the word Generally Hospital on it which he was using as a shield. The thing that drew their attention was the gun in his hand, which looked like a normal purple-grade Bandit assault rifle with its crimson metallic finish with rust splotches, but the barrel looked like it belonged in a science lab with how advanced it looked.
"What the fuck is that?" Gaige asked, out loud which caught Mercy's attention.
Mercy looked at the teens and then the dead bodies near them. "Why hello there good sir and young lady, I am Doctor Mercy, licensed medical MD, and psychiatrist." He said with a cheerful voice.
The teens look at each other in confusion. "A psychiatrist on Pandora? Ha, and here I thought I heard of everything." Kai said.
"Now while I always do enjoy visitors, seeing as none of you have a scheduled appointment with my lovely assistant and you have killed all my other patients I will have to ask you to leave with extreme malpractice." Mercy said as he hefted his rifle up shouldered it and opened fire on the two teens. To their surprise instead of bullets purple bolts of light started flying out at an alarming rate. The sight of this caused both to run for cover as several rounds started impacting their shields. They jumped behind a low scrape-metal wall as several more purple laser bolts flew over their heads only to see the rounds ricochet off a wall further back. One bolt bounced and flew back, hitting the cover between the teens.
Both teens stared at the burning bullet hole between them. "Okay, I'll ask again. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WEAPON!?" Gaige yelled at the Rebel.
"I have no idea!" Kai retorted as he loaded his SMG.
"How do you not know, you're a fucking master gunsmith!" Gaige said as more shots flew over their heads
"I'm only a Journeyman, not a master!" Kai yelled as he raised his SMG over the wall and sprayed in Mercy's general direction.
"That still makes you a weapons expert!"
"For Jakob's weapons!Jakob's! For everything else, I might as well be ranked a mid-level apprentice!" Kai retorted as a bolt clipped the top of the wall next to his head.
"Will you guys just shut up and help me kill this guy!" Axton yelled before something bounced off the top of his head. He looked down and saw a grenade sitting between his legs. "SHIT! Axton screamed as he bolted up and ran several steps before it exploded and sent him flying into the ground. The man soon rolled over with a large gash in the back of his right shoulder
"Oh dear, if you want sir I can prescribe you a prescription for that." Mercy said with a chuckle as he reloaded his rifle.
"FUCK!" Kai yelled as he jumped up and rushed for Axton. "GAIGE, COVER ME!" He yelled.
"Dammit Kai!" Gaige yelled as she got up and fired at Mercy with her Rogue Smuggler. One shot managed to clip the doctor's right arm, making Mercy focus on her as Kai reached Axton.
"Come on soldier, get your ass into gear!" Kai yelled as he grabbed onto Axton's left arm and dragged the man to his feet before pulling him towards a nearby building.
Mercy saw this and tried to fire on them only for Gaige to fire at him again. "Now, now, you should listen to your doctor young lady, and DIE!" Mercy yelled as he turned his rifle on Gaige who quickly started running as he fired.
"CRAP! OH CRAP! OH CRAP! OH CRAP!" Gaige yelled as several purple bolts flew by her with several hitting her shield and taking a large chunk out of its charge. She could even feel the intense heat of it through the energy barrier. Gaige quickly dove behind a set of concrete roadblocks that had been used as target practice if the spray-painted bullseye was any indication. As more bolts flew over Gaige pulled out her cryo Grenade and waited until Mercy stopped firing, when he did Gaige stood up and threw the grenade at the man. Mercy was more focused on reloading and didn't notice the grenade rolling to his feet. A second later it exploded engulfing the man in a cloud of ice and mist.
"HA! Chill on that sucker… Fuck that was corny." Gaige muttered before a stream of purple laser bolts shot out of the mist with one bolt grazing her shielded shoulder, making her yelp in surprise as she ducked back down.
Mercy walked out of the mist with bits of ice falling off of him. "I've had dry ice burns worse than that. Now stay right there, I'm going to perform some exploratory surgery on you." He said before firing wildly again.
Gaige was panicking as she tumbled with her ECHO device and looked for anything she could use. "Let's see, slag pistol, no. Sniper, Kai banned me from those. That new Shotgun! . . . Shit, left it at home." She muttered until she found an item that would work. At least she hoped.
Meanwhile, Kai had dragged Axton into a shack with a hole in the front wall. He was just finishing injecting Axton with an insta-heal to seal up the gash in his shoulder. "Seriously Axe, you need to start bring your own injectors."
"Carrying an injector into battle is bad luck." Axton said as Kai rolled him on his back again.
"Maybe on some Dahl black ops mission but this is fucking Pandora, you can get tetanus just by glancing at a Psycho. "
They both hear an explosion from outside. "Sounds like Red has decided to use explosives. You better go help her." Axton said.
Kai nodded before he headed for the hole in the wall, and looked out to see Gaige was pinned down by Mercy. He looked the other way to see Hati and Deathtrap were busy with a group of psychos that came from the deeper mine and would be busy holding them for another minute at least. The doctor then stopped firing and quickly started reloading when Gaige rose from cover with a grenade in hand, a Tediore slag grenade… With a sticky longbow mod attached to it. "Shit!" Was all Kai could say as halfway through Gaige's throw she let go of the trigger and the grenade disappeared in a flash.
Gaige looked at her hand in confusion before looking around. "Uh, where did it go?"
Boom!* Everyone looked up to see the top of the cavern coated in a cloud of slag with several cracks growing through the rock showing signs that the purple substance was weakening the rock face. A second later a large chunk of rock fell causing a domino effect to occur as the roof began to crumble. Gaige watched as several boulders landed where Mercy was standing, throwing up clouds of dust. More of the roof begins to fall as Gaige sees a large boulder falling towards her. Before any other thought could cross her mind she felt herself being tackled out of the way just before the boulder landed, throwing up more dust.
After several more large boulders fell the cavern became quiet. For a minute nothing happened until Kai lifted himself and let out a few coughs. "Seriously, why do you always seem to make trouble for me?" Kai asked as he got off of Gaige.
"I resent the accusation." She coughed. "What happened?"
"The grenade you threw was a sticky slag longbow grenade."
"Longbow?"
"Teleporting grenade. Well not really teleporting, it uses all sorts of techno-wizardry that would take too long to explain." Kai said as he moved some rocks out of the way.
"But what happened, one second it was in my hand and the next the roof was falling."
"You tossed a longbow."
"And?"
"You don't toss or throw longbows, they're a line-of-sight weapon that travels in a straight line once you release the striker lever. When you had let go of the grenade it was aimed at the ceiling where it stuck to. Once it exploded the combination of the slag and explosive force caused the weakened roof to fall." Kai said as he pulled Gaige from the rubble. "You okay?"
"A little sore." Gaige said as she rubbed her right shoulder.
"Well, I can fix that." They both turn to see Doc Mercy standing on a pile of rubble with his rifle trained on them.
"Shit." Kai muttered as Gaige's eyes widened in fear.
"Hey, doc." Everyone turned to see Axton standing near the building he was in before. In front of him, his turret was rapidly deploying. It was different though as it had two new rocket pods mounted on both sides. "Meet my lady friend." Axton said before the turret unleashed a torrent of bullets and rockets. Mercy tried to block the fire with his shield but the rockets overwhelmed him and tore into him. After several seconds the teens who both had put a hand up to cover their faces looked at where Mercy was, what they found left was his half-blown-up body and split shield.
Kai looked over to Axton who was deactivating his turret. "Why didn't you lead with that?"
Axton shrugged as he picked up the box and put it in his ECHO. "I wanted a challenge."
Before anything else could be said they all heard a panic cry as they looked to the entrance to see a bloodied Nurse Coco dragging herself into the cave. Her right hand and lower left leg were nothing more than bloodied stumps, while in her back was a bone saw and several bullet wounds. "DOCTOR! The boy out there is mad! I need your-" She then noticed what was left of Doc Mercy. "DOCTOR! MY LOVE! WHAT HAVE THESE SAVAGES DONE TO YOU!" She screamed as she attempted to drag herself towards the corpse. "Don't worry, I'll patch you up, and heal you. You'll be fixed, my merciful angel. Then will get married, and make new little baby doctors and-"
Her rant was cut off when the giant scalpel she had wielded was shoved into the back of her head by Salvador who everyone only just noticed. "Oh, will you just SHUT UP! Gah, I've never seen someone so hung up on a man. It was Mercy dear this, Mercy senpai that! Can you imagine someone like that?"
"Imagine. HA, I've seen such a bitch, probably one of the few people from my planet that I'm glad is dead." Kai said with a shudder.
"Was she that bad… Wait, was she after you?" Gaige asked.
"HAHA! Fuck no, that bitch was thankfully gaga for this pretty boy idiot who was oblivious to her existence." Kai said as he looked to see Sal rushing over to Mercy's body.
"HEY! I got the kill so I get first dibs!" Axton yelled.
"Finders keepers estúpido!" Salvador yelled as he started rummaging through the loot and body parts until he found Mercy's assault rifle. "O HO HO! JACKPOT!" Sal yelled as he held up the rifle.
"HEY, THAT'S MINE!" Axton yelled as he began chasing the small man. This continued for about a minute. "DAMMIT SAL, GIVE ME MY LOOT!"
"NOT HAPPENING FOOL!" Sal said with a laugh until the rifle was yanked from his hands by Kai. "Hey! That's mine!"
Kai just ignores him as he sits down on some nearby steps, pulls out a multi-tool, and begins to quickly break down the rifle. Gaige comes over and looks over his shoulder. "So how does it work?"
"As far as I can tell it's a type of matter convertor attached to a magnetic accelerator and. . . I'm not sure what that is?" Kai says as he points to a part.
Gaige looks at the parts he is pointing his tool at. "Open the barrel housing." Kai looked at her before shrugging and complied. It took a minute but when he finished Gaige grabbed the part and scrutinized it. It's a plasma inductor attached to an ion capacitor with an eridium-lined pulse inverter."
"Umm, English Gauge?" Axton asked as everyone looked confused.
"It's basically a scaled-down particle accelerator. It converts a fired bullet, the whole bullet mind you, into a form of liquid plasma that is contained in a magnetic field and shot out. A little crude but some tweaking could make it more powerful."
Wait, wait, wait, are you saying that this thing turns lead and brass into plasma? That's like… over 6,000 degrees! How does the heat not cause everything it hits to explode!?" Kai asked in shock.
"Well, I'm only hypothesizing here but if you take the Senefelder static effect and combine it with the Moore principle of nova quantum matter-"
"AAAAGH, ENOUGH WITH THE SUDO SCIENCE I WANT MY GUN BACK!" Sal yelled as Kai snapped the gun back together.
"Fine, fine, here." Kai said as he shoved the rifle back into the small man's hands making Sal dance in victory as Axton just grinded his teeth in anger.
"DAMMIT! I GOT THE KILL, WHY DOES HE GET-" Before Axton could finish Kai grabbed one of Axton's outstretched arms and slapped another weapon into his hand. Axton looked at the gun and found an odd-looking black and gold Hyperion pistol with a bayonet on it, the reddish-orange glow of the barrel showed it was an incendiary barrel and had similar fins as the assault rifle. The stat card that came up in Axton HUD called it an Action Spiker. "What is this?" He asked.
"Something else Mercy dropped. Don't worry about taking it to Marcus or Tannis, I already checked it for bugs." Kai said as he got his ECHO out. "Hey Doc, you there? We killed Mercy and found the gun he was using."
"Good, did you guys kill his assistant as well?"
"Yeah, Sal gave the bitch a major facelift if you know what I mean." Kai said as Sal chuckled darkly.
"Perfect, now send me the specs and images of the gun." Kai took several pictures of the rifle and sent them to Zed. "I'll be damned, that's E-tech!"
"E-Tech?" Gaige asked looking to Kai for an explanation only to see him shrug in response.
"It's a new type of weapon made by Hyperion. Judgin' from this news ECHO I took off one of my patients, it looks like that gun uses Eridium tech to turn bullets inta… stuff that ain't bullets. Energy, and stuff. God damn, Eridium is weird."
"We're aware, I cracked it open already to take a look." Kai said.
"Well that ECHO mentioned that there are all kinds of E-tech guns out there for you to find: blaster rifles, plasma cannons, railguns... Sounds dangerously awesome."
"Great so now I have to learn an entirely new weapon line." Kai muttered.
"That article also said the weapon manufacturers licensed E-tech from Hyperion for their experimental guns. Guess that explains how Hyperion got so rich off that Eridium after the Vault opened." Zed continued.
That does explain a bit." Axton said as he glanced through an opening in the ceiling to look at the Hyperion space station.
"Alright Zed, what do you want us to do now?" Kai asked.
"Well if I'm gonna treat people shot by E-tech, I'm gonna need way more wounds to practice on. Now that you've got Doc Mercy's E-tech gun, why don'tcha test it out on the local bandits?"
"How many are we talking?" Axton asked.
"I'd say you'll need at least 60."
"Awwww, come on Zed. It's already four o'clock! We've already cleaned this place out and the next nearest bandit base is Southpaw which we cleared yesterday and the Bloodshot dam which we're not equipped for. Where the hell do you think we'll find four dozen bandits at this time of day." Kai said.
"Well, y'all could try setting up a honeypot."
Sal flinched as Kai's eyes widened and Gaige started stammering. "Wh-wh-WHAT! You want us to bait them with sex!"
"No, no, no, that's not what he meant." Kai waved off. "A honeypot on Pandora is a bandit trap to draw in a large group of them quick, I mean almost instantly." Kai stated before letting out a sigh. "There's just one problem."
"What's that?" Gaige asked hesitantly.
"A honeypot always draws out some of the more extreme and weirder gangs." Sal said.
"What was your first?" Kai asked eyeing the short man.
"A bunch of bandits dressed in old kids shows mascot costumes that look more like horror monsters. . . That one pink blob who called himself Mr. Blobby. Ehhh." Sal shivered as Kai grimaced. "Yours?"
"Saw it from a distance. I was on overwatch for it, and had to see a group of goliaths in water polo uniforms through a twelve magnification scope." Both men shuddered at the thought.
"I don't know what a Goliath is but something tells me I don't want to know." Axton said as Gaige nodded.
"Well just call me when y'all are done, okay." Zed said before cutting the call.
"Alright, so how we doin' this?" Sal said as Kai thought about it.
After a minute Kai snapped his fingers and pointed to his friend. "Gaige, go to the Runners and pull the speakers out, and get the tool bag. Ax go find me some shock crystals. There should be a few small ones around here and I'll need at least eight fist-sized ones. Sal, find ammo and make extra assault rifles and shotgun ammo with your converters.
What about you?"
"I'm going to find some wire, a boom box, and another goddamn power core!" Kai muttered.
Thirty minutes later Kai was standing on top of the cliff behind Mercy's hut. Next to him was Gaige with a Torgue boombox between them that had several extra speakers with shock crystals shoved into their centers, and all wired together. Axton and Sal were at the cave entrance where they had set up a makeshift barricade. "Sal, you guys ready?" Kai asked over his ECHO.
"Let's just get this over with. I want to get back to Moxxi's to drink myself into a damn coma as fast as possible if this goes how I think it will."
Kai picked up a power cable and started to connect the power cell to the boom box. "So how bad do you think this will get?" Gaige asked nervously as Kai slowly started screwing the ends together.
Kai was silent as he continued to screw the cable together. "All I can say is… Sorry that you're about to see this." He gave the cable a last twist and the boombox came to life with a crackle. Then the slow strumming of an electric guitar could be heard.
(Come a Little Bit Closer by Jay and the Americans)
In a little cafe
"Just the other side of the border
She was just sitting there givin' me looks
That made my mouth water
So I started walking her way
She belonged to bad man Jose"
"Really, this is how you plan on attracting bandits?" Gaige asked.
"Psycho mainly, just give it a moment."
All across the frozen tundra, psychos began popping out of every imaginable and unimaginable hiding spot, from snow piles, under rocks, out of trash piles, and even the guts of killed skags. Gaige was shocked to quickly see nearly four dozen psychos rapidly converging on the mountain with more coming. "Let'em have it guys.
"WHO WANTS TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE!" Salvador yelled as he fired with the E-Tech rifle, rapidly cutting down every psycho who came close. Axton shot at any psychos Sal missed while adding more wounds for Zed's research.
Back on the cliff, Kai was picking off psychos with his Clementine as Gaige was attempting to do the same with a Maliwan incendiary sniper he let her borrow for practice. Of course, the young Vault Hunter was having no luck. *BANG* "DAMMIT!" *BANG* "FUCK!" *BANG* "SHIT!" As usual.
"WHY CAN'T I HIT ANYTHING!" Gaige shrieked!
"Have you tried aiming?" Kai jested as he fired and nailed his seventeenth psycho in the head.
Gaige just pouted at his obvious flex of skill. She then looked through the scope of her rifle again only to recoil in shock before looking through the scope again and grimacing. "Uh, Kai? Just how crazy do honey pots get?"
"It depends… Why?" Kai asked warily.
"Because about twenty psychos are rushing towards us and are all wearing nothing but shit."
Kai blinked and looked to where Gaige was looking, only to see dozens of psychos, midgets, and a few badass psychos rushing toward the mountains. And to Kai's horror their pants, shoes, and even their masks were made out of shit. "Oh fuck! SAL! THE SHIT STORM IS HERE! AND IT'S LITERAL SHIT!" Kai yelled into the cave.
"Wait what did he say?" Axton asked as Salvador pulled out a Torgue shotgun in his left hand while the E-Tech rifle was still in his right.
"You heard exactly what he- OH SHIT!" Salvador cried as he shot the first of many members of the soon-to-be infamous Shit Stain Clan.
X-X-X
Hours later Kai and Gaige were both at Moxxi's bar with both of their heads resting on the bar top. "Kai." Gaige asked.
"Yeah?"
"Let's never do that again."
"One can only hope Gaige. One can only hope." Kai said.
Moxxi and Trixie were both behind the bar looking at the two teens. "Okay, dare I ask what you did Kai? Because I know it was your fault."
"I resent the accusation." Kai said as he lifted his head. "We had to pull a honey pot." The barmaid and waitress both winced at what he said.
"How bad?" Moxxi asked hesitantly.
"Shit… Nothing but psychos covered in shit. I can still smell it in my nose." Gaige moaned as she tilted her head up to look at them.
"None of them got close to us thankfully, but I'm going to have nightmares of that for a month." Kai said with a heavy sigh. "It was especially bad when Axton and Gaige accidentally set the first several on fire with their fire weapons."
"I'm going to have the smell of burning shit seared into my brain for the rest of my life." Gaige muttered.
"Oh my, I knew your mind was dirty Gaige, just not so disgustingly so." Moxxi jabbed which earned a groan from the girl.
"Moxxi, leave her alone. We've had a hard day."
"Were you on the giving end or receiving end." Trixie asked with a grin causing Kai to groan as well as he set his head back on the bar while the two ladies laughed.
"Sorry Kai, it's just been such a dry day. No good customers to play with. Still, it's a shame I can't give you the usual remedy for a bad Honeypot." Moxxi said.
"Moxxi why wouldn't you…" Trixie began until she had a look of realization that turned into somber understanding. "Right, I forgot we can't give him a Forget-Me-Shot."
Gaige pulls her head from the bar top and looks at the barmaid quizzically. "What's a Forget-me-shot?"
Before anyone could say anything Salvador bashed the door open and walked into the bar with Axton following him with a confused look on his face. Salvador quickly approached the bar and slapped a small wad of cash on the counter. "Moxxi, I need one Forget-Me-Shot! I want no memory of that job! I had to fight a crazy bruiser nurse, and go through a shit-covered Honey pot, AND through all of that, I didn't get to keep the sweet-ass new E-Tech rifle. I want no memory of today!"
Moxxi took the money as Trixie handed him a shot glass with a strange glowing green liquid. Sal grabbed it and immediately downed the concoction in one go, letting out a sigh as he slapped the shot glass back on the bar top. Then he went stiff as his eyes rapidly dilated for several seconds before returning to normal. "What the? Why am I here?" Salvador asked as he looked around. He looked at Moxxi and Trixie before shrugging. "Screw it, give me a beer!" Trixie placed a beer in his hand." Gracias señorita. LET'S GET WASTED!" He cheered as he ran off.
Gaige and Axton both looked at Moxxi in confusion. "Okay, what the fuck was that?" Axton asked.
"That was the Forget-Me-Shot, wipes out all memory you had of the last 24 hours." Moxxi said. "Great for forgetting bad one-night stands and anything else you don't want to remember."
"Never heard of it?" Axton said.
"Not surprising, it's a drink that can only be made on Pandora, as several crucial ingredients are only found here on Pandora. The original recipe from Earth was lost because the most crucial ingredient, the insect it came from went extinct after the great Hollywood sex tape fiasco of 2176."
Axton stared at her. "Dare I ask what the hell is in this thing?"
"Well, first you start with a shot Jägermeister, then Sloe gin, a teaspoon of Triple sec, Quadruple sec, and Quintuple sec, the gunk from a badass corrosive Skag's eye, and a shot of Absolut Ghost Pepper. Mix for a minute, then add the extracted juice from a raspberry-ranch flavored Gusher snack, pickled squash juice, and finally a single drop of venom from a Pandoran blood mantis. Then you stir it all together with a Tediore brand home pregnancy test till it turns positive, stick an electrode in it, and electrify it until it starts glowing green, and wala, the ultimate brain bleacher. The Forget-Me-Shot!" Moxxi said.
"That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard." Axton said with a green face as Gaige looked ready to hurl.
"Yet it works as you just witnessed." Trixie said as she pointed to a happy Salvador who was playing a knife game with several Raiders. "Just don't ever ask how it was created, no amount of Forget-Me-Shots can erase that story." She said with a thousand-yard stare.
Axton thought about it for several seconds until he shrugged. "Screw it, give me a shot." Axton said as he set some cash on the bar.
"Get me one too!" Gaige pitched in.
Moxxi just waved her finger to them and tisked with her lips. "Sorry loves, but it is a Pandoran tradition that everyone has to remember their first Honeypot. It's like a badge of honor and a life lesson combined. Sort of like getting the panties of your first hookup only to find out the condom broke several days later."
"Awww man." Both Gaige and Axton moaned.
"At least you guys now have the option if we ever do this again. I don't." Kai sighed.
"What do you-" Gaige began to ask before thinking it over. "Wait, are you saying because of your inability to handle alcohol you can have this drink?"
"Yup." Kai said with a depressed sigh.
"Because Kai can't hold his liquor, including my most watered-down beer, it was agreed that we never give him that drink for fear that it will put him in a coma or worse make him forget more than just 24 hours."
"Meaning, including today, I'm stuck remembering all three Honey Pots I've been part of." Kai sighed.
"I thought you said you only did this one other time?" Axton asked.
"I didn't talk about it because I don't want to remember it." Kai said, throwing a dark look at the commando.
Everyone was silent as they sat there. Gaige looked to her best friend. "Is there anything that will help us with these memories?" Gaige asked. Suddenly three small liquor bottles were set on the bar in front of them by Trixie.
"While these won't make you straight up forget they will help repress the memories and-." Trixie began to say only for both Gaige and Axton to grab a bottle and down it in one go. "Put you to sleep." Trixie finished as the two Vault Hunters looked at her.
Wait, what do you… mean… put…" Gaige began to say before letting out a large yawn. "To… Sleeee-" Gaige fell face first onto the bar as Axton fell back onto the floor, both softly snoring.
"Dang it Trix, could you have told them before you gave them the drinks." Kai said as he grabbed the last bottle and pocketed it. He then got up and pulled out Hati's sphere and let it drop, before it hit the ground Hati flashed into existence and let out a yawn. Alright buddy, you know the drill. I'll get Gaige and you can handle the commando." Kai said as he picked Gaige up in a bridle carry. Hati let out an annoyed grumble. "HQ, where else would we go." Hati was silent for several seconds before letting out a bark. Kai stopped and glanced back at the wolf. "Shit… I forgot about that… Eh, drop him off outside and come back to the apartment. I'm sure one of the others will find something to do with him. Thanks for the nightcap, Trixie."
"Any time Kai, but may we inquire as to where you are going with that delicious little cutie?" Trixie asked.
"I'm taking her to my apartment. AND before you say anything." He says cutting Trixie off. "I'm doing it because it's Wednesday, and we all know what happens on Wednesday nights at HQ."
The barmaids both looked at him in thought for several seconds and then grimaced." I forgot about that… Yeah, the girl doesn't need to wake up to that." Moxxi said as Kai walked for the door while Hati was dragging Axton by his jacket. "Have a good night Kai, and remember to use protection when you two decide to have some fun in the morning!" She yelled after him causing Kai to almost trip.
He looked back to the barmaid and waitress with an angry look and deep blush only to receive several flashes of light that dazzled his eyes for several seconds. When his eyes adjusted he found Moxxi holding a camera as Trixie laughed.
"Dammit Moxxi it's not like that! And I'm going to get you back for those pictures." He yelled before leaving the two women to laugh at his expense.
X-X-X
NOT GONNA LIE, this was one of my more difficult chapters. I probably could have made it far more simple... buuuut creativity is its own curse. At least it's a long read. Although the biggest reason it may not seem up to my usual standard is that I swore to finish this chapter of the Side Quests before I dived too deep into chapter 20 of the main story, and I sort of forced my own hand when I got hit by a moon-sized piece of inspiration for that chapter. Which meant I had to finish this before I could work on that chapter.
Anyways, some other notes, I'd like to thank my Co-worker for the suggestion of the Psycho the gang had to deal with. Shit cover psychos. . . Honestly, when I asked him for the most horrifying type of Psycho imaginable I was not expecting that mental image. . .
Lastly, for my readers in the UK, see if you can spot the little pop culture reference I threw in. With that, I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Also, please feel free to leave a review, I always like to hear what you all think. Well, until next time fellow Vault Hunters, Kilo8 out!
Updated 2/12/24