The Agency destroyed the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some filler that wandered into my mind. Takes place around Breaking Fabian and before Into The Cold. We all knew this was coming.
Agency's End
Chapter One: The Beginning Of The End
"Okay," Lana sighed as she addressed her staff in the bullpen. "First on this meeting's agenda, I'd like to address the fire we had a few days ago. The good news is it turns out the fire in the control room wasn't as bad as we first thought. Thanks to the blast shields most of the damaged was contained in the control room. The bad news is that we are out of a control room."
"How is that bad news?" Archer snickered.
Lana went on. "It will take some time before it's fixed…If ever."
"More good news," Zara added.
"Moving on," Lana sighed. "I'm glad to see that you are all recovered from the unfortunate sandwich incident. From now on Cheryl, you are not allowed to handle or serve food to the rest of us! Ever!"
"Awww…" Cheryl pouted.
"Yeah, well that's still not enough!" Kurt spoke up. "We all had a discussion in the emergency room! We've had it with you people!"
"Dude, Lana banned Cheryl from serving food and your health insurance paid for the trip to the emergency room," Pam looked at him. "What more do you want?"
"Don't say more money," Cyril cautioned. "That won't end well."
"We want out of this looney bin!" A man shouted.
"Our lives were put in danger!" A woman shouted.
"How? You were all out of the building on the way to the hospital when the fire started!" Cheryl asked. "Due to the food poisoning."
"Not helping Cheryl," Lana sighed.
"The fire was just the flaming cherry on the top of this insanity sundae you call an agency!" Kurt shouted.
"Okay I admit things haven't been running as smoothly as I would have liked," Lana remained calm. "But that's normal in a new business…There's going to be a few hiccups."
"Hiccups?" A woman shouted. "Right now, we're in a full-blown health crisis!"
"We really should address mental health in this country," Pam nodded.
"We should address how horrible this agency has been!" Kurt shouted to the agreed murmurs of the drones. "Never in all my years working in this business have I encountered a more disorganized, chaotic, corrupt disaster of a business!"
Pam looked at him. "Kurt, this is the first time you've ever worked in a spy agency! Your last job was working as a buyer for Sears!"
"And that was still better than this," Kurt grumbled.
"Working a retail job was better than this," Another woman grumbled.
"Hey come on guys," Cyril spoke up. "Lana is doing the best she can!"
"That's the scary part," Zara quipped.
"You know…?" Lana glared at Zara.
Kurt spoke up. "We've been threatened, drugged, poisoned…"
"Not intentionally!" Cheryl spoke up. "The poisoning one. You were not intentionally poisoned! Or drugged!"
"Manipulated," Kurt went on. "Insulted…"
"That part was intentional," Cheryl admitted. "As well as the threatening."
"The bodies in the walls!" Kurt added.
"You're still upset about that?" Pam asked. "Seriously?"
"I don't want to be that guy," Cyril spoke up. "But there was actually only one body in the walls!"
"He's right," Krieger nodded. "The rest were in other places. And most of them weren't even human!"
"Did that sound better in your head or…?" Kurt blinked.
"We're just suggesting that you people might be overreacting just a tad," Cyril remarked.
"And if Cyril is the one saying that," Archer spoke up. "Yes. You people definitely are."
"This office is literally toxic environment!" Kurt shouted.
"It's not literally a toxic environment," Ray told him. "Not since Krieger cleaned out the refrigerator!"
"YEAH!" Krieger spoke up.
Kurt added. "And let's not forget all the drinking, gossip and insults that get thrown at us every day!"
"You really are a crybaby aren't you, Kurt?" Pam spoke up.
"It's called being part of an office," Cyril added. "What's confusing about that? Core concept?"
"Again, if Cyril gets this…" Archer began.
"And let's be honest," Cyril added. "Some of you haven't done that stellar a job working here. Looking at you Kurt!"
"Yeah Kurt!" Pam and Archer said at the same time.
"THAT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE IS CONSTANTLY THREATENED!" Kurt shouted.
"Kurt trust me," Archer gave him a look. "You haven't been nearly threatened as much as you think!"
"I can change that," Cheryl grinned.
"I was shot at!" Kurt shouted.
"So?" Cyril asked. "I was actually shot a few times!"
"Me too!" Archer shouted.
"Who hasn't been shot around here?" Ray asked.
"She almost stabbed me!" Kurt pointed at Cheryl.
"Cheryl actually stabbed me," Ray looked at him.
"Me too," Archer and Cyril said at the same time.
"She does do that a lot," Pam nodded.
"If anything, I don't think I stab enough people," Cheryl spoke up.
"Not helping!" Lana glared at them.
A man spoke up. "You know some of us who came over here from IIA thought this would be better. It isn't! You guys are worse than Fabian! At least he was organized, gave us occasional bonuses, and didn't poison us!"
"Boy you people aren't going to let that go, are you?" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"Well, we're thinking of going," Kurt snapped. "As far away from you as possible!"
"You walk out that door you forfeit your paycheck and bonuses," Lana pointed out. "And health insurance! I know we've had some bumps in the road."
"More like gaping maws of Hell," Kurt grumbled.
"But we can truly accomplish something great here," Lana went on. "We can turn this around and become one of the most powerful agencies there ever was! When the going gets tough! The tough get going!"
Just then all the drones turned and started to leave. "Hey! Where are you going?" Lana asked.
"To the unemployment office," Kurt told her. "We quit!"
"Turns out we're not that tough," A man spoke up. "So we're going!"
"Yeah, we're getting the hell away from you maniacs before you kill us all!" A woman shouted.
"Not all of you," Cheryl called out. "Maybe one or two…"
"NOT HELPING CHERYL!" Lana shouted as the drones started to run for their lives.
"That didn't go well," Cyril remarked as the drones were gone.
"YOU THINK?" Lana shouted.
"They'll be back Lana," Pam told her. "Mostly because they left all their stuff behind."
"And we don't have direct deposit so…" Cyril shrugged. "They'll need their last paycheck."
"Dibs on Kurt's chair," Ray called out. Lana glared at him. "What? He has a nice chair. And he's not going to use it anymore."
"I definitely need to rethink my business model," Lana groaned. "And get a drink."
Twenty minutes and some alcohol drinks later…
"Okay so as some of you may have noticed," Lana addressed the remaining Agency members in her office. "We need to hire new people."
"Yeah, like they were going to last anyway," Cheryl scoffed.
"No big loss," Pam agreed. "I did not care for Kurt."
"Me either," Ray agreed.
"He was kind of a self-righteous priss wasn't he?" Cyril asked.
"And that's you saying it," Archer nodded. "He was though."
"Overreacted to everything," Cyril agreed. "Okay so there were a few corpses in the walls? Get over it!"
"Exactly!" Archer agreed. "Even you don't whine as much as that!"
"I get being shocked at the first one," Cyril paused. "But he just kept going on and on…He was a wuss even by my standards!"
"A very high bar to pass," Pam quipped.
"I'd like to discuss something," Zara spoke up. "Ever since I joined this madhouse you call an agency; my life has been constantly in danger. And not in a fun way."
"Hey you wanted excitement and to get away from your boring job at Interpol," Pam pointed out.
"Yeah, this is a little too much excitement even for my tastes," Zara admitted. "And keep in mind that I participate regularly in extreme laser tag competitions. With actual working lasers! The kind that burns things!"
"So, you might go back to Interpol?" Archer asked brightly. "Have fun! Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! I'd say it was a pleasure working with you but that would be a lie."
"Can you take me with you?" Cyril asked.
"Can you?" Archer asked. "Seriously if you take Cyril with you this would definitely be a win-win situation! Maybe not for Interpol but…"
"Archer! That might actually become a situation for all of us if we don't get our shit together!" Lana shouted.
"Something tells me Interpol won't be that anxious to take us," Pam admitted.
"What do you mean?" Archer asked. "We've done a lot of successful missions lately."
"We've also caused a lot of chaos, damage, fires…" Lana told him. "Deaths."
"We always do that," Archer told her.
"And we're running out of money," Lana told him.
"Again…" Archer took a drink. "Nothing new there."
"If we don't start turning things around and I mean right now…" Lana warned him. "This agency will close! Permanently this time!"
"Again…" Archer shrugged.
"Uh Archer Lana's right," Cyril told him.
"We've been through more second chances than a cat on the end of its nine lives," Ray told them. "If this agency does close that's the end of our spy careers for good! I mean really for good!"
"Which is bad for us," Lana added. "Including you, Archer!"
"But we can't close now!" Cheryl told him. "There are too many unresolved questions! Who is Archer's father? What will happen to Barry? And Other Barry? Is Krieger our original Krieger or a clone? What about AJ? What about the Wee Baby Seamus? Who obviously isn't a baby anymore. Or so wee."
"Cheryl…" Lana sighed.
Cheryl went on. "What about Katya? And Boris? Who tried to get dirt on Longwater and double cross us on that? What about Veronica Deane? What about Mr. Rompers? What about Robert? What about the dead body in the walls? Which honestly, I don't really care about. I'm just saying that for effect."
"Cheryl…" Lana tried again.
"I guess we could do a movie like the Venture Brothers did," Cheryl mused. "Honestly that movie was good but it raised more questions than it answered."
"If worse comes to worse," Cyril paused. "I guess we'd just have to go work for another agency."
"No other agency would even take us!" Lana told them. "We've literally burned our bridges with the CIA. ODIN and IIA are gone. JUNO just disbanded."
"What happened to them?" Ray asked. "They just sort of disappeared for no reason."
"Who knows? Who cares?" Lana groaned. "The point is what few agencies are left won't even touch us with a ten-foot pole! Or a twenty foot one for that matter!"
"Well, most of you," Zara said smugly. "I'm still a very qualified agent."
"And I'm the world's greatest secret agent so…" Archer shrugged. "I'll be fine!"
"Archer, you have the worst record of all of us!" Lana told him. "You have a history of screwing around and screwing up so bad that you make Maxwell Smart look like a genius!"
"You make Lancelot Link look like a genius," Zara quipped. "Hang on." She took out her phone and started texting.
"Are you seriously trying to get your old job back at Interpol in the middle of a meeting?" Lana barked.
"No, no, no…" Zara lied. "This is…some other thing. Completely different. Totally not doing that." She kept texting.
Pam looked over. "She's definitely doing that."
"SERIOUSLY?" Lana shouted.
"Come on!" Archer barked. "At least Ray had the courtesy of doing that behind our backs!"
"Thank you!" Ray told him.
"You may be a bastard," Archer said. "But you're a polite one! Boy people don't have any manners nowadays, do they?"
"They really don't," Ray nodded.
"Gee why would I want to leave here?" Zara asked sarcastically.
"Hang on," Pam spoke up. "Maybe this isn't a bad thing? Zara see if they're hiring while you're at it."
"For the love of…" Lana groaned. "Okay. So, we need to find a way to shape up, or we all get shipped out to pasture! Find new ways to make money that won't blow up in our face!"
Krieger spoke up. "I've been working on some self-inflating blow-up sex dolls!"
Cheryl added. "Technically that's not blowing up in our face. Just out of our faces."
Cyril remarked. "That is literally Krieger's least disturbing invention."
"I should have let this agency burn down when I had the chance," Lana groaned.
"Oh my God," Zara stared at her phone in shock. "I've just been blacklisted by Interpol!"
"There goes that in," Pam groaned.
"They blacklisted you?" Ray asked. "Why?"
"Why do you think?" Zara snapped. "Because of my association with you lot! That's why?" She looked at her phone again. "Oh. And something to do with setting fire to my co-worker's desk."
Everyone looked at her. "It's not what you think!" Zara protested. "That wanker was always after my job! And my lunch. And he was a smoker. I just let him know how hazardous his bad habit was."
"I'm guessing it's more because of the fire thing than us," Pam remarked.
"I knew there was something I liked about you," Cheryl grinned.
"Yeah, well it doesn't help!" Zara snapped.
Cyril blinked. "We're in real trouble, aren't we? Okay. Okay. We just need to think of a plan. I could go back to being a lawyer or an accountant somewhere."
"I'd rather be dead," Archer said. "Or you'd be dead. Whichever comes first."
"Maybe we could be detectives again?" Cyril suggested.
"NO!" Everyone else but Zara shouted.
"Why not?" Zara asked.
"Don't ask," Lana groaned.
"I'll tell y'all one thing," Ray said. "I am not going back to Ferlin! I'd rather be a ditch digger in Calcutta before I go back there!"
"So would I," Cheryl nodded.
"What are you worried about?" Pam asked. "You're a billionaire! You'll be fine!"
"Oh yeah," Cheryl realized. "I am! It's just the rest of you that are screwed! HA!" She left the room.
Pam remarked. "Anyone else thinking….?"
"Make sure she puts us all in her will," Zara spoke up. "Kill her and make it look like a glue sniffing auto erotic asphyxiation accident? Yes. I saw where you were going there."
"Just saying," Pam remarked. "It's an option."
Lana sighed. "Let's just make that Plan D. What we need are Plans A through C."
"Who needs plans?" Archer spoke up. "I'm seriously asking! We just do what we always do! We get a mission! I act awesome and save the day! And we get paid! How hard is that?"
"And by acting awesome you mean being a complete and total drunken jackass?" Zara asked.
Ray folded his arms. "Pretty much."
Lana noticed something on her computer. "I just got an e-mail marked Priority Ultimate."
"That sounds serious," Cyril blinked.
Lana looked at the e-mail. "It is. I've been called to testify before the United Nations Committee on Intelligence Affairs. Uh oh."
Zara gulped. "That is…not good."
"What?" Archer asked. "What are you talking about? And since when does the UN have a committee on spies?"
"Since I don't know," Zara mocked. "The end of the Second World War and the beginning of the United Nations?"
"Haven't you ever wondered how spy agencies become legal or are allowed to operate outside of actual governments?" Ray asked.
"Not really," Archer shrugged.
"Shocker," Ray rolled his eyes.
"To put it simply," Lana sighed. "This committee oversees every legal spy agency in the world as well as independent agencies. And apparently there have been several complaints filed against us."
"Complaints? By who?" Archer shouted. "Or is that whom? I always get that confused."
"The country of San Marcos for one," Lana groaned. "They finally got a stable government and want to charge us with war crimes."
"Oh no," Cyril gulped.
"As well as Wales," Lana read the file. "Durhan. Russia. Monte Carlo…"
"Monte Carlo?" Pam asked.
"Apparently screwing around with the Grand Prix is a major offense," Lana explained. "Canada. Columbia. Italy…"
"They can't prove we had anything to do with murdering the Italian Prime minister!" Ray shouted.
"Especially since we got rid of the body," Krieger added.
"You did what now?" Zara did a double take.
"Albania," Lana winced. "Moracco. Argentina. Moldovia. Great Britian. France. Costa Rica. And the list goes on and on to pretty much everywhere we've been. Including the International Space Station and Sea Lab."
"Sea Lab?" Cyril asked. "Wasn't that destroyed?"
"They built another one," Lana explained. "Long story short we're part of an investigation slash possible class action lawsuit against all and I quote. Rogue spy agencies with little to no regard for human life and the future of the planet."
Krieger paused. "Yeah, that's fair."
"But a lot of this stuff we did years ago," Cyril asked. "And they're just charging us now? I mean I know it takes time to form a class action lawsuit but still…"
Lana sighed. "According to this they're studying the effectiveness and dangers of spy agencies not attached to any governments. And they want me to testify."
"Oh, what's the UN going to do?" Archer scoffed. "Pass a resolution against us? HA! It's the UN Lana! They can't even agree on a decent place to get takeout or an obvious moratorium on human rights."
"But apparently they all can agree that we're a menace in the intelligence community," Lana winced. "Their words."
"What are they going to do?" Cyril asked. "Shut us down?"
"We'd be lucky if that's all they do," Lana groaned. "They could revoke our license to spy. Again."
"Just so I'm clear," Pam blinked. "This may end up being having to change our names and identities and hide out in some kind of nowhere shithole for the rest of our lives?"
"I told you before!" Ray snapped. "I'm not going back to Ferlin!"
"You can't," Pam told him. "They know you there!"
"Okay then," Ray sighed. "Calcutta is still an option."
"Uh we once set a huge fire in Calcutta," Cyril reminded him. "Burned down half the city? Remember?"
"Damn it!" Ray groaned.
"When was that?" Krieger asked.
"It was a long time ago," Ray told him. "I think before the incident with Krenshaw the Mole."
"Wow that was a long time ago," Krieger blinked. "Hey! We could always hide out in the sewer with some of my genetic clones!"
"What now?" Zara did a double take.
"Don't ask," Ray groaned. "Oh dear lord that actually may be an option for us!"
"It won't come to that," Lana spoke up. "I think this might just be some kind of tactic to scare us."
"It's working," Cyril groaned.
"Lana's right," Archer nodded. "This sounds more like a fact-finding hearing than an actual hearing."
"I'm sure I can talk to them and straighten this whole thing out," Lana paused. "I hope."
"They can't blame all of us, right?" Zara asked. "I just got here! I wasn't even around during most of those missions!"
"You were with us in Costa Rica," Pam told her. "And when all those embassies burned down a few weeks ago."
"Damn it!" Zara groaned.
"Don't worry," Archer waved. "Again, it's the UN. They have less authority than a defunct girl scout troop."
"Well, you say that…" Cyril paused.
"It will be fine," Archer waved as he got up. "We're just going to do what we always do. Nothing ever really changes around here."
"Actually, it does," Krieger blinked. "I mean…"
"Nothing changes," Archer told him. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bar I need to go to. A woman I need to be on top of. And another woman I need to be under. I'm in the mood for a threesome today." He left the room.
"That hasn't changed," Ray folded his arms.
Cyril remarked. "You know? This agency did really well when Archer wasn't here. I mean…I'm just saying. We could always…"
Zara spoke up. "Put him in another coma only this time make it permanent? I saw where you were going with that."
Lana nodded. "That's Plan E."
Ray spoke up. "Just so I'm clear. Were y'all really mad at me for working at IIA behind your backs? Or for not bringing you with me?"
Cyril spoke up. "I can't speak for anyone else but in my case it's more of the second thing than the first."
"I totally get why you were shopping around for another gig," Pam admitted.
"You were just looking for a Plan B in case this dump crashed and burned," Krieger added. "I get that."
"We all do," Lana admitted. "Damn it. I should have thought of that. But you still should have brought us in."
"I said I was sorry," Ray said. "I promise, if I find another gig that looks good, I promise I'll let y'all in on it."
"That's all we ask," Pam said. "Because we're gonna need it!"