After Fabian Broke…

On a nearby TV screen a well-dressed newswoman spoke. "Tonight, our top story. The UN has passed a resolution completely banning any and all independent spy agencies. This resolution was passed not even a day after the violent attack of IIA drones on the United Nations and the equally violent response by the spy agency known as…The Agency."

The newswoman blinked. "Huh. Weird name for a spy agency. Guess they were going for anonymity. Not that it matters anymore."

She continued. "Every single country that is part of the UN has declared a ban on all independent spy agencies. And even the ones that aren't. Senator Gil Chesterson had this to comment."

"The days of the cold war and spy verses spy are over," A white older senator huffed with a southern accent. "We can no longer afford having reckless spies running amok with little or no consequences…"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Ahhhh shaddapp…" Zara slurred as she finished shooting the TV. "Pompous twit!"

"So this is how my career ends?" Lana sighed as she sat around the bullpen surrounded by half empty and empty bottles of alcohol. "Completely plastered? And a broken TV."

"You're not completely drunk yet," Pam told her. "But keep trying."

"You know me," Lana took up another drink. "I'm no quitter."

"Atta girl," Pam grinned.

The members of the soon to be dismantled Agency were in the bullpen. Drinking and commiserating the end of a not-so successful mission. "Well at least we won't be murdered by drones," Ray shrugged before taking a drink.

"No, just by the authorities if we don't disband," Lana sighed. Then took a drink. "Oh, and any other former rival independent spy agency who wants revenge. And Fabian."

"In hindsight," Cyril groaned as he took a drink. "Maybe this group wasn't the most effective spy agency in the world?"

"Oh, we were," Lana said acidly. "Effective at destruction, death…I mean they passed a whole freaking UN Resolution because of us! The first unanimous one in like…Ever!"

"But we made history!" Krieger said.

"Not in a good way!" Ray barked.

Lana looked at her phone. "Oh, I got at least fourteen texts from my mother. Gee I wonder why? Nope. Not going to look at them now."

"How much you want to bet I don't even have one text from my mother?" Archer grumbled. He looked at his phone. "Nope. Not even one to berate me. Typical."

"Thank god my family has no clue what I do for a living," Pam remarked.

"Me too," Ray nodded.

"I don't even know if I have a family," Krieger added. "Other than those few clones running around."

"And by a few you mean…?" Cyril asked.

"I know it's no more than a dozen," Krieger admitted. "Okay two dozen. Two and a half dozen tops!"

"Not counting the Krieglins obviously," Pam nodded.

"Oh yeah those guys too," Krieger realized. "Huh. I guess I do have family."

"Krieglins?" Zara blinked.

"Don't ask," Archer groaned.

"Never should have left Interpol," Zara groaned. "Okay they were boring uptight wankers but still…I mean I was at the top of my game! I could have gotten a promotion! I was the best! What went wrong? Oh right, I joined a group of idiots!"

"Welcome to my life," Lana groaned. "I don't know what happened. All I wanted was to run the most respected, efficient, feared spy agency in the world! Is that so wrong?"

"You got one out of three," Pam remarked. "What? They don't pass resolutions against spy agencies that are respected!"

"And the only thing this lot is efficient at is how much destruction we cause," Zara admitted.

"It's the end of an era," Krieger sighed as he took a drink. "But we had some good times! And we were once a very competent spy agency!"

Pam looked at him. "What week was that?"

"Uh…" Krieger paused. "I think it was shortly before Archer and the rest of you arrived."

Pam sighed. "Yeah, that tracks."

"There is one good thing about all this," Cyril realized. "The Figgis Agency lasted a bit longer than The Agency under Lana!"

"Not really," Cheryl said. "It's about the same."

"Exactly the same," Pam agreed. "On the other hand, after the Figgis Agency our agency got better…"

"While under Lana our agency got disbanded," Cheryl said brightly. "Oh. I guess Cyril's tenure was technically better."

"Thank you!" Cyril asked. "That's all I wanted to hear!"

"Oh my God," Archer gasped. "The Figgis Agency was better than this! That's scary."

"I hate my freaking life," Lana sighed.

"So does Fabian," Pam quipped. "He hates all our lives. Especially Archer's after he cut off his hand."

"Fabian wanted to lend a hand so…" Archer quipped.

Ray snorted. "It's funny because it's not me this time."

"Yeah, well it's not funny that we almost got murdered by drones because you and Zara were too busy living it up to notice we were getting killed out there!" Pam shouted.

"In our defense there were free drinks," Ray protested. "They were literally giving away bottles of free champagne. The good stuff!"

Archer shrugged. "Can't argue with that."

"Too bad we can't argue with the UN and try to get them to reverse the ban," Lana groaned. "Especially after the Hearing from Hell."

"That could have gone better," Cyril groaned.

"The crossing of the Titanic could have gone better," Ray said acidly. "This is a complete and total disaster!"

Krieger spoke up. "For what it's worth Cyril I thought your speech to the UN was inspiring! Right up until the drones attacked and you cowered behind a desk."

"Thank you, Krieger," Cyril groaned. "Wait, that's on TV?"

"It was. Now it's online," Krieger told him. "There's already memes of you speaking then screaming like a little girl just as the drones attacked."

"Swell," Cyril groaned. "Thank God my father is dead and can't bitch about this."

"So independent spy agencies are banned now?" Cheryl asked. "I'm still a little confused about that."

"We figured," Ray said dryly.

"That's right," Lana sighed as she showed them a paper. "According to this court order we either have to join a legitimate government agency, give up being spies or get shot. They're calling it The Agency Act. Apparently, there's already a different one named after ISIS."

Cheryl protested. "But we had that name first! They stole it from us!"

"I TOLD THEM THAT!" Lana snapped. "But they chose The Agency Act. We've been officially named as the most dangerous and incompetent spy agency that ever existed. Again, our only hope for remaining spies is to join a government agency."

Krieger asked. "Does it matter what government we choose?"

"Doesn't," Lana grumbled. "None of them will touch us with a fifty foot radioactive pole with a large sharp knife attached to it. In other words, The Agency is finished."

"We could always…" Cheryl began.

"We're not joining the Legion of Doom, Cheryl!" Lana snapped.

"It's just as well hon," Ray said diplomatically. "I think their membership quota is all filled up."

"Oh yeah that's always a bitch," Cheryl nodded. "Luthor really is a stickler for that."

"But IIA sent the drones," Archer spoke up. "And we saved the UN. How are we to blame for that?"

"Technically IIA didn't send the drones," Lana sighed. "The person overseeing IIA's dismantling accidentally triggered the drones. Right before he got shot by the drones."

"Irony in action," Ray remarked.

"But we were once part of IIA so…" Lana sighed. "Yeah. They blame us."

"Ray's the one who ordered the damn things," Pam grumbled.

"On Fabian's orders!" Ray snapped. "He told me they were going to be used like an Amazon thing! Not my fault! And I didn't order the good drones! That was all him!"

"That's true," Pam sighed.

Lana sighed. "My career spanning almost twenty years has gone downhill in flames. Literally. Again."

"At least you achieved your dream of being a spymaster," Ray said helpfully.

"Of the worst spy organization in history?" Lana asked. "Not exactly a resume builder!"

"So, what do we do now?" Cyril asked.

"Besides drinking?" Archer asked. "Because that's my plan."

"That's always your plan," Cyril told him.

"If it ain't broke…" Archer took a drink.

"We need to find new jobs," Ray told him. "I don't know about you but bartending is looking pretty good right about now."

"Starbucks is starting to look pretty good right about now," Pam groaned.

"And end up with your brains blown out like that barista?" Ray asked.

"Good point," Pam groaned.

"We could go back to being detectives," Cyril shrugged.

"Again, no way in Hell!" Archer snapped. "Especially in LA!"

"Okay I'll bite," Zara sighed. "Why?"

"Bad memories Zara," Pam sighed. "Admittedly some good ones but a lot of bad memories."

"Especially for me!" Lana snapped. "I got arrested twice!"

"We all got arrested," Pam reminded her. "And abducted by clowns."

"Please!" Archer barked. "In LA I got arrested, hit by bean bags, fought killer clowns, an insane cyborg, crazy bikers that wanted to feed me to a woodchipper while naked…."

"Hang on," Zara interrupted. "Were you naked or the crazy bikers naked?"

"Me," Archer admitted. "Things got a little weird in the fight."

"Ah," Zara nodded. "Continue."

Archer went on. "I was shot, stabbed, kicked, beaten up, nearly blown up, bitten by dogs, fell down two cliffs, nearly assassinated at least three times, traumatized by memories of my childhood, waterboarded, lost my car, nearly suffocated in the trunk of a car, got kicked out of several halfway decent bars, stung by wasps, thrown of a moving car…"

"Hang on," Pam interrupted. "When was the wasp thing?"

Lana explained. "Archer was with me and AJ at the park when he started playing with a wasp nest."

"I wasn't playing with it!" Archer snapped. "I was saving AJ from it! There's a difference!"

"You were screwing around," Lana waved. "Continue…"

Archer did so. "And oh yeah… I was put in a coma for three years!"

"Because you didn't know how to correctly use a cyborg clone," Krieger pointed out. "Archer everybody knows that you get the clone shot as a decoy and then hide in the bushes filming the whole thing!"

"That's pretty obvious, isn't it?" Zara asked.

"Not to Archer," Pam told him.

"You mean that idiot got himself shot and had the clone…?" Zara did a double take.

"Yuuuup," Lana nodded.

Zara looked at Archer. "That one is on you!"

"My point is I'm not going back to LA!" Archer glared at her.

"Good news," Ray drawled. "LA doesn't want you to go back either."

"So you people are totally out of a job now right?" Cheryl asked.

"And you!" Pam snapped.

"Yeah but I'm rich so I can…" Cheryl blinked. "I can…Wait. Where will I go every day?"

"Right Cheryl," Ray groaned. "That's the real problem out of all this."

"You can always go back to your family," Lana suggested.

"Those assholes?" Cheryl shouted. "No way!"

"Then you are screwed," Cyril remarked. "Huh. I feel better now."

"Me too," Pam nodded.

"Damn it!" Cheryl shouted. "I never would have sided with the UN if I knew they were going to screw me! Immunity sounded so good…"

"So does sticking you in a mental hospital under an assumed name," Lana growled.

"At least I don't have to worry about a potential bitter custody fight with my ex-husband," Cheryl shouted back. "Which would probably happen because you're out of work."

"Oh no, Robert is completely out of my life now," Lana sighed. "He got married again last week. And has completely and almost totally lost interest in AJ. And lost even more interest in me."

"Married?" Ray asked. "To who…?"

"Who do you think?" Lana asked.

MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE AROUND THE WORLD…

Sandra was in bed with her new husband Robert. "What do you mean you've been married before Lana? And had eleven dogs that died on you?"

Robert blinked. "So is that a yes or a no on the baby thing?"

BACK TO THE GANG…

"He's her problem now," Lana took a drink.

"How's AJ taking it?" Pam asked concerned.

"She's been a little busy at school and weekend activities," Lana said. "She hasn't noticed yet. That's because Robert sends her an e-mail once a week."

"Robert?" Archer asked. "Or you pretending to be Robert?"

"Both," Lana sighed. "The second one is happening more than you think."

"Ah," Pam nodded. "He's one of those guys that goes all in on a project or something and then after a few years totally forgets about it, isn't he?"

"Starting to see how he went through so many marriages," Lana admitted. "And dogs. The good news is he already paid for AJ's schooling the rest of the year. The bad news is…Well…She may have to go to public school. And not a good one."

"There has to be a way out of this mess!" Zara groaned. "I could make some calls. Call some people I know. Then I can get out of here and leave this huge mistake behind!"

"Nice," Pam looked at Zara. "Real nice."

Ray looked at the others. "Again, at least I had the courtesy to do that behind your backs!"

"Quiet quitting is the best quitting," Pam agreed.

"I should have quit this place years ago," Cyril groaned.

"We all wish you did that," Archer quipped.