James did not like to relive the past. He did not like to remember the low points of his life.
There was reminiscing about the Academy days. He had years worth of memories built up with Miles, both at work and at home. That was one thing.
And his childhood may have been a painful one, but he accepted it as a part of himself, as part of what made him. That was another thing.
This thing with Kate, whatever they'd had between them, was something else. It made James feel like the worst parts of him were just under the surface, waiting to break out or take over without so much as a warning.
At least, that had been the case until Juliet came along. James would be the first to admit Juliet turned him into a giant teddy bear, like there was no reason to be unhappy knowing that he'd get to see her at the end of the day.
Then Juliet was gone - not from his life, but that calming physical presence was far away in Miami, and suddenly Kate was at his door. Was it some kind of test? James thought he'd passed with flying colors, but a day later he still hadn't told Juliet the truth. This wasn't about telling her a white lie. It was about sharing his past with Juliet. His whole past, not just the parts he'd come to terms with and found easy to talk about.
James knew he was over Kate, but perhaps he wasn't over what had happened between them. It still hurt to think about - not just the breaking of his trust, but the things he'd done to hurt Kate in return. James needed closure, so he decided to go to their old haunt, to see if she was still up for that drink. In neutral territory, without Miles there to put them both on edge, they would be able to talk, and maybe share a few truths. No matter what, James was going to come clean with Juliet afterward. He hoped to make sense of it all before he did.
Juliet smiled when Rachel finally emerged from her apartment, ready for the dinner they were attending with Juliet's new coworkers. Rachel's hair was down, more styled than usual, and she was wearing one of the casual dresses she'd bought when they were out clothes shopping earlier in the day. Juliet wore a matching pattern, in a different color and a slightly different cut. It reminded her of the few times they dressed alike in high school.
"Do I look okay?" Rachel asked. She was obviously doubtful. Juliet looked at her like she was crazy for not being absolutely sure.
"You look really good, Rachel." said Juliet. "Very healthy. And very pretty."
"You're sweet." said Rachel, though she said it in a sarcastic tone as she locked her apartment door behind her. It had been a while since she felt the urge to dress up.
"I'm serious," Juliet insisted. She studied her sister's face as they walked along to Juliet's car. "You look so...vibrant."
"Compared to a few months ago?"
Juliet nodded. "You have your color back. And lots of energy."
"I hope it sticks." said Rachel, smiling genuinely.
"Me too. And you look really good in that dress, so stop worrying."
"It's not too...?" Rachel trailed off, not knowing which feature to choose first.
"It's not too anything," said Juliet. "You look great."
Rachel smiled, waiting at the passenger side door for Juliet to unlock the car. "So do you. Were you able to get ahold of Loverboy?"
"Not yet. Still playing phone tag."
Rachel could tell Juliet was trying to hide how much it bothered her, that she and James were no longer in constant communication. It was hard coordinating in different time zones, especially when they were both busy with demanding jobs.
"You guys just have to figure out the right rhythm." Rachel tried to comfort her. Juliet's nod and smile were distracted.
When they arrived at the restaurant, Richard spotted them at the host's stand and waved them over to a large table surrounded by smiling, happy scientists. Charlotte was there with her husband Daniel, who raised himself out of his chair just slightly when they came to sit down. Both sisters smiled and greeted those that they already knew, and waited patiently as they were introduced to everyone else.
Juliet recognized Danielle Rousseau right away, and even felt a bit starstruck in her presence. Mittelos had certainly assembled an impressive team of heavy hitters. Juliet still didn't see herself as one of them, but they always made it clear they were excited to have her around. She wondered if she'd ever get used to it.
"Dr. Burke." Danielle greeted her with a big, pretty smile and an elusive accent. "I have very much been looking forward to meeting you."
The two empty seats were between Danielle and Richard. Juliet used Danielle's warm greeting as the perfect excuse to take the seat next to her. Rachel smirked to herself as she sat on Juliet's right side, between Juliet and Richard.
"Glad you could make it." Richard said to Rachel, making eye contact when he smiled her way. He stood up when they got close, and helped pull Rachel's chair out. The part of Rachel that wanted to protect Juliet wanted Richard to be a total creep, to make it easier to hate him. But whenever he was around, he really was sweet to them both.
Under any other circumstances… Rachel thought to herself. Hell, maybe Juliet was right. Maybe Rachel should go out with Richard, just to distract him and set the record straight about Juliet's availability. Maybe chatting Richard up in Juliet's place would help get Rachel's mind off of Miles too.
"I'm glad I was invited." Rachel replied. As she pulled her chair closer to the table, she glanced around at the other doctors sitting at their end of the table, and she smiled at the ones watching her. "I feel like I'm getting a peek into the inner circle." she joked.
"Well," Richard smiled, and glanced at the blonde man across the table from him. "It was supposed to be the biology department only, but some riffraff made its way in."
"Yeah, what's up with that, Richard?" Charlotte called out, eavesdropping from a few seats down. She threw a playful scowl at the intruders.
The blonde man across from Richard introduced himself as Goodwin Stanhope, from the chemistry department. He then leaned over so he could look down his side of the table at Charlotte. "Last time I checked," he said, "Dan was a physicist."
"But he's my physicist." Charlotte replied with a pout. "You're just an interloper."
"None of the sciences exist in a total vacuum," the young woman next to Danielle interjected. In fact, when Juliet turned and smiled appreciatively at the girl, she looked very young.
"They'd all be nothing without math." the girl added.
Danielle smiled proudly. "This is my daughter, Alex." she explained to Juliet. "Very wise for her age, no?"
"It's not surprising," said Juliet. "Considering who her mother is."
The other end of the table continued their playful bickering, despite the truth of Alex's statement.
"It's nice to meet you." Alex said, more privately to Juliet. They smiled at each other around Danielle.
"She's interning with us," said Danielle, "For college credit. Though I am convinced she already knows more than a private college could teach her."
"Okay, I'm not that advanced, Mom." Alex protested, her teenage side showing through.
"She's too modest." Danielle said dismissively, another proud smile taking the edge off of her statement.
"Are you interested in math?" Juliet asked Alex.
The younger girl shrugged. "It's my best subject right now. I've also been considering bio. You know, following in my mother's foot steps." Alex smiled sheepishly and rolled her eyes.
Juliet rested her elbow on the table, and her chin in her hand. "Maybe you could be my assistant for a semester?"
Alex, in the middle of taking a sip of water, nearly choked at the idea. She managed to swallow what came through the straw and set her glass down. "Oh my god." she said, as she put a hand to her chest. "I would love that. Is that even allowed?"
"The position is usually reserved for grad students." Faraday piped up. "But we can always make exceptions."
Alex made a sound of excitement. "That would be so cool!"
"Alex!" Danielle chided her lovingly. "If I'd known you wanted to be an assistant -"
"Moo-oom, it's different..."
Juliet and Daniel chuckled at their exchange. Charlotte turned from her jovial competition with Goodwin and checked in on Juliet's end of the table with a bright smile. "How's this side of the table doing?" she asked.
Daniel placed his hands on the edge of the table, as if inspecting the structural integrity. Charlotte rolled her eyes preemptively.
"Seems to be holding up." Daniel said with a straight face. Alex snorted, appreciating his joke but also sympathizing with Charlotte and what she must have to deal with on a daily basis.
Charlotte squinted at Daniel, who maintained his blank expression. "You think you're so clever." she said.
"He is." said Danielle, smiling in the same motherly way she smiled at Alex.
"Thank you, Danielle." Daniel said as he bowed his head toward her.
"Don't encourage him!" Charlotte begged.
Charlotte leaned over to give her husband a kiss on the cheek. Daniel smiled bashfully, and the look he gave Charlotte when he turned to her made Juliet happy and sad at the same time.
Lately, everything in existence made Juliet think of James. It didn't help that Daniel and Charlotte seemed to be a perfect couple. Charlotte gave his lips a peck before he could protest, then turned to her menu with hungry eyes.
With perfect timing to rescue Juliet from her melancholy, Rachel gently tapped her elbow against Juliet's.
"You drinkin'?" older sister asked the younger.
Juliet eyed Rachel suspiciously. "Are you?" Juliet asked.
"I was thinking about it." Rachel said defensively. "Richard said it was okay."
Juliet recognized the look in Rachel's eye. She was being sarcastic in a way that no one except her sister would be able to detect.
"Oh," Juliet said in a lowered voice. "Well if Richard says it's okay…"
Rachel giggled for the two of them, and held up a menu for both of them to look.
James spotted her at the bar as soon as he walked in. She was the only one drinking alone. To her credit, Kate didn't look lonely by herself. She wasn't sulking or giving off that "danger, do not approach" vibe she was so good at giving. She was just sitting, staring at her bottle of beer, pondering a few of life's biggest questions.
He sighed loudly as he approached, a prelude to one of his smart ass remarks.
"I used to drink alone, you know." he said. "It's a dangerous hobby."
Kate rolled her eyes and smirked without looking up from her drink.
"Miles let you drink alone?" she asked. "I'm shocked."
James smiled faintly at her joke. "You and Miles should have your own reality show."
Kate winced at the horrible idea. "God…" she muttered. "He's still just one big ball of hate, isn't he?"
"He's a porcupine, I'll give you that." said James. "But he's squishy on the inside, I promise."
"I can't believe you guys still live together." Kate chuckled.
"You find something that works, why change it?"
Kate was not enjoying James subtle intimations. Growing frustrated, Kate tipped her beer back and finished whatever was left inside. She signaled to the bartender for another. Meanwhile James sat beside her, waiting patiently for her to start a real conversation. After some uncomfortable silence, Kate turned to James, narrowing her eyes.
"Tell the truth." she said, acting serious. "This 'girlfriend' of yours is really Miles, isn't it?"
James chuckled through his nose and smirked.
"It would explain the jealousy." Kate said snidely just as the bartender set down her second drink.
"Ahh, Kate." James sighed. "You just don't know what it's like to have a true friend."
"One that's up your ass every minute of the day?" she asked.
"Someone who's got your back." James countered.
"That's why I don't keep friends, James." said Kate. "Enemies treat you nicer."
"Did we come here to bicker or did we come here to talk?" James asked, still patient but unwilling to engage in a petty back and forth about Miles, someone she was destined never to get along with.
Kate took a breath and put her head in her hands. "I'm sorry." she sighed at the bar. "Sorry." she murmured again as she sat up straight. "I thought this was going to be easier. But Miles presses every single one of my buttons, and you're sitting there, looking at me like I'm a child…"
"I'm sorry too." said James, trying to cool it on the whole parental stare thing. "I'm just trying to figure out why you're really here."
Kate smiled in spite of herself, at that side of James that was pure detective. Never trusting, always suspecting some deeper, hidden motive. There was always a why.
"I'm visiting old friends." Kate said yet again. She glanced at James, knowing exactly how lame an excuse it sounded. "They're not 'friends' like…dealers. They really are just old friends."
"Where are they?" James said, keeping his voice neutral.
"They're coming." Kate assured him. "I just got sick of window shopping after dark, so I came here early. Okay?"
"Alright." said James. It wasn't an accusation. He just knew there was always a lot more truth behind what Kate said out loud.
"You're an old friend too." said Kate, matter-of-factly. "At least, I thought we could be friends."
A more vulnerable look appeared on her face with her next glance over at him. It's been long enough, right? she seemed to be asking.
"Is that really what you were expecting when you showed up at my place so late at night?"
Rebuffed, Kate turned back to her beer. He wasn't going to give her an inch. She smirked bitterly as she thought about his question. What had she really been expecting?
"I wasn't expecting you to have a girlfriend." she admitted.
James made a face like he couldn't really blame her. "That's fair." he said, reaching for some peanuts from the bowl on the bar. "What else?" he asked.
Ugh, was he really going to make her say it? Fine, thought Kate, if he needed to hear it plain and simple -
"I thought we'd fuck and I'd sleep in your bed." she said flatly. "And I'd be gone in the morning. No fights."
"Well." said James, cracking his first peanut. "I'm sorry to disappoint. But I gotta say, even if I didn't have a girlfriend, it probably wouldn't have turned out that way."
Kate raised her eyebrows and pressed her lips together, as a way of responding to his comment. It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but she couldn't say she was surprised. James ate a few more peanuts, waiting for Kate to speak. But she kept quiet.
"I talked to a shrink after you left." James told her. "Voluntarily, mind you. A police detective voluntarily chose to talk to a shrink."
"My mother always called me a disaster on two feet."
"I'm just sayin'," James sidestepped her pity party. "You left a lasting effect. The time for hopping into my bed was long, long ago."
"I get it." Kate said, getting prickly again. "You're a changed man."
"Hey." James said gently. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Alright?"
Kate nodded.
"I appreciate you coming to talk to me." said James. "And I heard what you said last night. We didn't part on the kindest terms."
"I came to apologize." Kate said suddenly, interrupting his train of thought. She looked him in the eye to gauge his reaction, which she would have described as curious and concerned. "I wanted to tell you I was really sorry for everything that happened between us. I just didn't know if I'd have the balls to go through with it when I saw you."
Finally there was respect in James' gaze. It helped Kate to continue explaining herself.
"I started thinking maybe you'd still be as lonely as I am, and there would be some kind of second chance. Because I've changed too, I swear. I have a normal job. I don't party anymore. I wanted to show you I turned out alright."
Kate let out a shaky breath, one she'd been holding ever since arriving in Los Angeles. James was truly impressed. Not only by her transformation, but also her newfound ability to tell the truth. What a relief it was for him to know she was doing alright. Not perfect, but on the right track.
"But…" Kate stammered. "Then, Miles answered the door."
James chuckled, an uncontrollable gut reaction. "I need a new butler."
Kate laughed a soft laugh, and sighed sarcastically. "No. You're right, he has your back. I'm just glad this little journey I'm on doesn't include seeking his forgiveness."
"You seeking mine?" James asked.
Kate shrugged. "It wouldn't hurt." she said. "I just wanted you to know, if there's anything you ever felt sorry for, you shouldn't. You tried to help me back then and all I knew how to do was sabotage."
"If it helps," said James. "I know I wasn't the greatest catch back then either."
"For me, you were." Kate said quickly, clearly uncomfortable admitting it out loud, but needing to say it all the same.
All those years, thinking he was one of the big villains in her life…it meant a lot to James, and came as a great relief, to know Kate felt that way. It sounded like Kate had been talking to someone too.
James had been ready for a long time, to let the past be the past and let go. He never thought he'd get this kind of closure with Kate. After establishing a strong relationship with Juliet, it felt like another piece of a nearly finished puzzle was falling into place.
"Well…" James said gently, humbled by the moment. "Let's call it a clean slate, then."
Kate's relief was palpable, but made visible only by the small smile she could muster while experiencing so many emotions at once. It seemed like it was taking all her strength not to cry in front of him. James did what he could to help, by calmly sipping his own beer and cracking a few more peanuts. There was a football game on the television behind the bar. They both watched without really seeing what was going on, in companionable silence, for a minute. James offered Kate a peanut, but she declined with a wry chuckle. She played with the paper label on her beer bottle while James watched quietly.
"So..." Kate broke the silence a few minutes later. "You're really in a long distance relationship with this little angel of yours?"
"Yup. Hard to believe, ain't it?"
Kate nodded slowly. She was beginning to wrap her head around the concept.
"Are you in love?" Kate asked, genuinely curious. She wanted to know if it was possible for people like them.
James smiled. "Hopelessly." he said, smile widening to a grin.
"Can I see a picture of her?"
James hesitated, but in the end he pulled his phone out of his pocket and found a nice picture of Juliet. His phone was full of them. Kate leaned closer, and studied the screen with a veiled facial expression. The picture had been taken somewhere outside, with the wind whipping her blonde hair all around her face. It looked like James had called her name while she was laughing, and she'd turned to the camera with a big grin. What exactly was it about this woman, Kate wondered, that turned James into such a serious and committed man? Somewhere deep inside, Kate knew James would have been just as committed to her, had she given him the chance.
"A blonde, huh?" Kate murmured. Her smirk was good-natured.
"You set the bar pretty high for brunettes, Freckles."
"You mean low." said Kate, too aware of the way her body tingled at the sound of his pet name for her.
"Nah." James said, taking a moment to stare at the picture of Juliet before he put his phone away. He turned to Kate afterward and had a twinkle in his eye. "Miles is the lowest I can go."
Kate's smile after that was the brightest it had been since her return to LA.
"Kate!" a voice called from the door of the small venue. Kate turned to look, and James glanced over his shoulder to see if he recognized her friends. They were strangers. It figured, Kate having a secret family of friends he'd never met or knew about. They seemed like normal folk, at least. And they looked very happy to see her.
Kate gestured at them to give her a minute.
"I'm gonna head out." said James. He stood up and left a few bucks on the bar for Kate's drink.
"So this is what a proper goodbye feels like?" she asked.
"I guess so." said James. He didn't know any better than she did.
"Thanks for listening." said Kate. "This really meant a lot to me."
"Me too." said James. "I'm glad you're doin' alright."
Kate tried to smile, but she was fighting tears again, and she had to press her lips together so she could hide it.
"You want my number?" Kate offered without shame. It was her last chance to keep in contact with him and she knew it.
James shook his head, regretful but resolute. "I don't think that would be wise." he said. He wanted to make a joke about how her name would appear right after Juliet's in his phone and how dangerous that would be, but Kate understood the real reasons already. No reason to rub it in.
"I guess I know where to find you." she said. James wasn't so changed after all. He had the same partner, the same apartment, and he still hung out at the same bar. He just had less baggage now.
"Be good." James told her. Kate nodded and watched him leave.
It was chilly outside the bar. James was grateful for the fresh air. It was surreal, to suddenly have closure regarding his relationship with Kate. If the two of them could do it, anyone could.
He was only a few steps away from the place when James found himself taking his phone out. He didn't remember making a conscious decision to do so. He just really wanted to hear Juliet's voice. He wanted to tell her about this huge thing that just happened to him.
It rang and rang, until he got her voicemail. He smiled when he heard her memo. He'd been there when she recorded it.
"Hey, baby." he said after the loud beep. "It's me. I was thinking about you. Wanted to hear your voice. You're probably still out with your new friends, but if you're up for it later I'd love to chat with you."
James stopped and leaned against the brick wall of the pub.
"I gotta tell you about something. Nothing bad, I promise. Just something I should have told you about a long time ago. I keep getting reminded of how much I love you, and I wanna make sure you know."
James stopped again and smiled inwardly, imagining Juliet getting his sappy message.
"I better hang up now, 'fore it cuts me off. I miss you, baby. I'll talk to you later."