AUTHOR'S NOTES: While it is overall still probably a negative event, Korra's inevitable meltdown that was set up at the end of the previous chapter does give a lot of insight into what Asami thinks of Korra's odd behaviour, and perhaps also hints that she sees Korra as more than just a friend. Whether or not Korra actually picks up on this, however, remains to be seen.
Happy Reading!
BOOK ONE: POWER
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX: UNRELENTING SCARS
Whether or not Naga could actually sense her master's pains or if she just knew Korra's sense of urgency, she tore through the streets at breakneck speed, reaching Sato Estate in much less time than it had taken them to go from there to Narook's Seaweed Noodlery; despite it being closer to Sato Estate than the Probending Arena was. She wasn't even sure what parts of town she passed through, or aware that some of the masked maniacs (or at least ones from a similar if not identical faction) that had assaulted her two years prior had seen her from an alleyway; so focused was she on getting somewhere safe before she completely lost her grip again.
Fortunately, Asami had lent Korra a key to the estate, knowing that the Avatar usually stayed out late, and not wanting to make her father (or herself) wait the often late hours Korra was out and about. The servants of the house did not work 24 hour shifts either, and so they weren't an option this late in the evening too.
"Shit…" Korra clutched her head as she deftly closed the gates behind her. "This isn't real… I'm safe, and away from harm… I'm not being attacked; I had a wonderful evening…" But despite her attempts to convince herself otherwise, the malicious, invasive thoughts and illusions did not relent. "Why can't I shake this delusion!? WHY WON'T IT LET ME GO!?"
Korra sunk to her knees, clutching her hair as her eyes flickered bluish white. Winds swirled around her, and Naga, who had been at Korra's side up to this point, moved back as well to stay out of the accidental crossfire.
Fortunately, Korra refrained from doing any damage to the estate, but she launched an enormous chunk of rock into the sky, before focusing a well-placed combustion-beam on it, blasting the boulder to smithereens. She used a sweeping movement to collect the shards and fragments, and threw them aside as she stopped to take deep breaths.
"Leave me alone…" Korra whimpered, leaning her head forward until it too nearly touched the ground as her hands clutched her head. "Just… leave… me alone, please!"
Naga nuzzled against Korra as she sobbed quietly, moving from her prostrated position to lying flat on the ground with her head buried in her arms. She seemed to know that Korra was not talking to her, and could clearly recognize her master's distress.
Korra laid there for several minutes, shifting so she was slightly on her side, but otherwise remaining there, breathing slowly and heavily as if she had just gotten the wind knocked out of her. She really wanted to talk to Asami right now, but it was late and Asami was a morning person with duties and business to attend to. That and Korra didn't want to inconvenience her friend just because she was having some issues with her own mental stability.
Sighing in defeat, she didn't even bother to move as much as she just tried to close her eyes and let the memories pass. She covered her eyes with her hands to conceal the tears that flowed sideways down her face, and softly wept. She'd never tell Bolin about it, but the episode she had just had had completely ruined the night for her—which in turn made her relieved that she was able to get him home before it fully reared its head. Besides, not only did Bolin do nothing wrong, but there wasn't anything he could have done to prevent her outburst, or anything Korra thought he could do to help afterwards. Not to say that she didn't trust Bolin; she just did not want to bog him down with her personal troubles.
Fine streams of tears flowed steadily down the right side of Korra's face as she lay there helplessly, lacking even the will to get up, or even really move at all. With something of a mixture of a grunt and a growl, Naga laid down behind Korra, shimmying up against her back to keep her close, and perhaps even to make her unusual position and location look a little less awkward.
Korra was not sure when she fell asleep or what time it was when Asami found her the next morning, but she woke up to a pretty face mere inches away from her own, and one that showed a concerned expression.
"Korra?" She repeated, "Korra, are you okay?"
Now that was a sight for sore eyes. Korra smiled weakly, her eyes no longer red considering she had had several hours to calm down as she slept.
"I'm fine now…" Korra whispered, "last night was terrible though."
"Oh no!" Asami's face dropped, "And you two looked so excited too. What happened?"
"Oh no, no, the date was fantastic," Korra sat up. She had only really been asleep a few hours, and while Asami was aware of how little Korra ate and slept, she would address it another time, "just that right as we were winding down… I saw Nakkoa again. I saw the White Lotus Compound, and… I felt the searing pain in my arm and my neck; the lightning striking my chest… the adrenaline from the Avatar State rush… all of it. I blew up a rock last night too; I hope it didn't wake you."
"My dad's pretty jumpy if something goes bump in the night," Asami shook her head, "so it must've been pretty far away…" She was already glancing around at one of the distant hillsides, expecting to see some sign of damage.
"Oh no, I just threw it in the air," Korra chuckled weakly, "Apparently pretty high too."
"I'm glad that you have self-control, Korra." Asami smiled, putting Korra's head into her lap and playing with her hair in that unique Asami-like way that Korra loved. "But why are you lying out here? I mean, I could understand you wanting to sleep with Naga, but last time you did that you at least found a more secluded spot and didn't fall asleep fully dressed…."
Korra gave a long, drawn-out sigh as she prepared to explain.
"I… went into the Avatar State again last night, and not of my own volition." she mumbled. "And I basically had an emotional meltdown."
"Korra..." Asami sighed as her brows furrowed.
"I wasn't even mad at anything or anyone…" Korra tried to explain, "I was kind of mad at myself, but as I raced home, I felt like I was just starting to lose my grip on reality—again. I kind of knew my emotions were about to come hitting at the same time, so I kind of just… braced myself."
"So tell me," Asami continued playing with Korra's hair, "When you feel like this, what do you do? How do you cope with it after the episode has ended?"
"It varies," Korra closed her eyes, "Sometimes I'm able to compose myself fairly easy; other times I just kind of wallow in my misery, like now."
"Really?" Asami gave Korra a skeptical look, "you just… hold it all in?"
"I'm not about to make it become someone else's problem," Korra shook her head, "don't worry—if it was really bad I'd let you know, but I can't exactly have someone holding me together in my behalf or anything."
"I really wish I could help then," Asami sighed, her tone betraying an underlying suspicion that Korra was not being entirely honest, even if she did not call her out. "despite what you might think sometimes, you're a good person, Korra. Your hardships are rare enough that very few people can fully understand them, and all things considering—you deserve to be happy."
"And I wish I could be," Korra complained, "it's like, I'll be just fine for days or weeks at a time, and then suddenly, bam! I'm back down to where I was when I ran off to the Western Air Temple. So I get back up and then, bam! It hits me again, and I just get overwhelmed by these emotions and it's like I can't handle them all at once. It's like an Interregnum Cycle except in my head or something, and it's driving me crazy!"
"So any thoughts on what to do about it?" Asami was not trying to withhold solutions from Korra by any means, but she wondered about Korra's mindset a great deal of the time. She was passionate, wild; fierce… unpredictable. It was charming in a way, and Asami found Korra to be a very intriguing character, especially for her best friend. More importantly, she wanted to find ways to help Korra without setting her off, because it was abundantly clear that Korra was zealously defensive over her insecurities and fears.
"Well hopefully my Probending proposition works out," Korra mused, gazing up into Asami's eyes from her lap where her head rested, "but really, I think I just need to stay busy."
"The date wasn't busy enough for you?" Asami lightly tugged on a few locks of Korra's hair, more just in the absent-minded way she was playing with it.
"It was—shit, you're right." Korra pouted again. "I… am not sure then."
"All work and no play would make Korra a stressed Avatar," Asami massaged Korra's shoulders, before pausing, "Seriously, though. Why are your muscles always so tense?"
Asami shifted Korra into a sitting position before gripping Korra's shoulders rather tightly, causing her to actually call out and wince.
"Ouch!" Korra exclaimed, before letting a moan slip from her mouth as Asami dug into her muscles, "oh man… that actually feels really good."
"I know I'm not your mother, Korra," Asami continued applying pressure to Korra's neck, back, and shoulders, "but I've watched your behavioural patterns for a while now, and I don't like what I see most of the time."
"I thought you just said you weren't my mom," Korra raided her candy pouch to cover up the suspicious pout she had just shot Asami.
"I'm not," Asami reasoned, "But I care about my friends—especially you, Korra. Other than that candy, you hardly eat. You barely sleep; you're always so tensed and your posture is horrible. You're strong but I feel like your emotional well-being is deteriorating."
"Honestly, I never noticed," Korra shrugged, "I stuffed my face last night; you woke me up this morning earlier than I would have, and I'm usually tense because I'm usually out fighting. Don't str4ess yourself out over me, Asami. I'm doing fine."
"That's not…" Asami sighed, "Never mind. Sorry for reprimanding you, Korra."
"Alright," Korra shrugged, completely oblivious to the signals Asami had just given off, "Thanks for caring though. Really, it means a lot to me."
"Does it really?" Asami was not trying to antagonize Korra, per se, but she was slightly irritated that Korra was outright shrugging off some very obvious self-care issues that she refused to admit that she had.
"Well sure—aaah!" Korra was interrupted by a particularly tight knot that Asami put pressure on, and she winced again.
"I'm happy to help you, Korra," Asami continued, "but you have to also help yourself—or perhaps in this case, take time to care for yourself as well. It's wonderful that you love to help other people, but it's not selfish to put some time and effort into self-care either."
"I am helping myself!" Korra argued, "I'm not trying to blame all my problems on my trauma, but realistically, it's the source of most of my problems—and I have a lot of problems to begin with—probably way more problems than I'm worth. But I do what I can to keep myself occupied; to cope with and deal with these events that messed me up, and try to do as my dad told me: and get up, pick up the pieces, and keep moving forward."
"Firstly," Asami turned Korra around, a stern glare on her face, "don't ever say that you're not worth my trouble ever again, Korra. If that was the case I'd have thrown you out on your backside months ago instead of let you live in my house, partake of my hospitality, and offer my shoulder for you to lean on. It's not a boast either. I do these things because I care about you, Korra. You're important enough to me that I want to and am willing to do these things for you. You need to understand the differences and nuances between those."
Korra stared bug-eyed at Asami, who she had never really seen be so forceful. She didn't think Asami was a pushover, but she had always been such a mellow and polite young woman.
"Secondly," Asami leaned in, "You might be dealing with your mental issues, which is great. It really is, and I hope you can master it to the point where those nightmares never bother you again. But you need to look at other aspects of your life. For how much you work and tone your body, you're letting your own self-care slip through the cracks. You push yourself hard, but you might be overworking yourself."
"It's not that…" Korra fumbled over her words, "I mean, I just… you don't—I… it's just that… but—you… no, and… how did—how did you realize that about me?"
"Korra," Asami slightly forced a smile, ruffling her hair, "you're not subtle at all. Mako's talked to me about it. Bolin's said a few things and he's really worried about you too. Even my father has commented to me that 'the Avatar doesn't look well, even if she hides it'." She briefly imitated Hiroshi's voice for a moment there, "The only one who doesn't realize these problems are there is you. I'm just trying to make you aware of them because I know you are too proud and stubborn to let anyone try to fix them for you."
"I'm not THAT stubborn!" Korra pouted.
"That's a lie, and you know it." Asami laughed.
"It is most certainly not!" Korra argued, pouting again.
"Case in point," Asami smiled, rising to her feet and offering her hand to prompt Korra to do the same. "Korra, look. I'm not trying to tell you how to run and manage your life. You're 16 years old and already have more experience than half the people twice your age. I just think that if you let your body relax every now and again and treated yourself properly, you would be much less tense, and thus much less prone to these emotional and traumatic outbursts."
"How do you know this though?" Korra frowned, her lower lip sticking out again.
"I don't," Asami admitted, "but I know when my body's all in a tizzy it puts my mind in the same kind of mood. And obviously I don't mean this to be rude in the slightest, Korra… but you're very unstable. I think if you took some time to feel good and to take care of yourself a little, your mind would be a lot less tense and turbulent as well."
"I'll look into it," Korra promised, "I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I just need another adventure—but I don't want to leave you for too long."
"Korra," Asami assured her, "We're not joined at the hip. I don't drag you to work when I go with my dad, and I'd hardly expect you to drag me along wherever you go. I'll be here, and you're always welcome to drop by."
"I will, for sure," Korra promised, "and if I don't… well, I'll try my best, yeah?"
"I'll be here either way," Asami promised, "Be safe, Korra—and please take care of yourself."
"I will, I will…" Korra assured her, "but since I'm fully dressed I might as well go pay the Probending Arena another visit to discuss my business deal with the boss man."
Korra did exactly that, and learned that while Butakha had given it the green light, it would be at least another six months or more before he could make the necessary preparations and marketing strategies for it to maximize attendance and profits. The fact that he gave her a date was still good enough news, and Korra was delighted for the success her endeavour had realized; but also bummed for the wait, and unfortunately, this meant more mercenary work to keep her busy. She said her goodbyes to Asami, as well as to her friends Mako and Bolin, but promised them she would return—for all the hardships she had been through, the world wouldn't be able to rid itself of the Avatar that easily…