AUTHOR'S NOTES: Despite being a highly functional young woman, Korra has some serious issues that can and do complicate her daily life. Much of it might be able to be linked back to her trauma, but it has also helped serve as a host for many other mental and emotional problems that Korra is now also dealing with/suffering from, which of course only exacerbates her struggles. In spite of her crippled emotional state, however, this Korra turned out much more intelligent, cunning and articulate than her canonical counterpart, especially at this age. Time will tell if her budding relationship with Asami will persist or not.
Happy Reading!
BOOK TWO: CHANGE
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO: LOVE AND BETRAYAL
The announcement that the Avatar had returned and was going to linger in Republic City for the foreseeable future was met with an interesting wave of reactions. The men in the masks who hid in the shadows were still doing their work, while Probending fans continued to fill the arena on a regular basis. Even on her off days, Korra found herself coming there a lot with Asami, although she still felt like she wanted to give her a proper outing one of these nights.
Tenzin over on Air Temple Island took particular interest in knowing that Avatar Korra was in the city, primarily due to his curiosity about the young Avatar's airbending abilities. It was no mystery that she knew how to airbend, but at what level was what Tenzin wished to find out. Chief Lin BeiFong kept a close eye on her either through Kuvira and other metalbending officers, or directly, and wound up arresting Korra at least three different times. Fortunately for Korra, only one of those charges persisted, which resulted in another torturous "metalbending training session", much to the chagrin and exasperation of the feisty young Avatar.
"You're a sadist," Korra panted after spending several hours trying to support increasing amounts of weight. It did a body good, and Korra proved to be extremely strong despite her age and size, but her body always ached miserably afterwards, and while the tears she shed were from physical exertion, it still embarrassed Korra that she "cried".
"I can't just let you go when you cause that much damage, Avatar," Lin explained curtly, "And besides—one does not simply go doling out vigilante justice in my city."
"Your city!?" Korra grunted from the weight she was bearing, "Do you have the Republic City Council in your pocket or something?"
"If anyone 'has the city in their pocket'," Lin calmly drank her tea, "it would be Tarrlok, the Northern Water Tribe Councilman. I'm sure you'll meet him sooner or later, and I'd advise you not to get on his bad side. Then again, you wasted no time getting on mine."
"Given your attitude, I'd be surprised if anyone wasn't on your bad side," Korra shifted her weight, "you probably gave Avatar Aang this kind of shit too, didn't you? Wait, is that another panel? Seriously Lin; no! I take it back; I take it back, that's not gonna… fuck; shit; AAAAAAH!"
Lin did not need a verbal reply as she slid another heavy slat of metal underneath the three that Korra was already holding up. It was only after Korra swore at her again that she spoke.
"Would you like to make it five?" Lin kept that ruthless calm to her.
"Right about now I'd rather take a week in the slam." Korra quivered.
"Sadly, prison isn't an option for you, because it might do you some good," Lin riposted.
"This should be good…" Korra's words were staccatoed by her gasps for breath as she steeled her body to continue supporting the immense stress of the weight on her shoulders.
"Having heard the way you react when confined or imprisoned," Lin explained, "the last thing I want you to do is blow a hole in the Republic City jail and enable the escape of dozens of other more hardened criminals, thank you very much."
"And so you torture me with a workout designed to make my knees blow out?" Korra riposted.
"Yes," the corner of Lin's lip curled upward. "Which of course, you seem to have the power and know-how to disregard as well, but it seems that your volatile mind is able to learn some form of discipline every now and again."
"I think you just like tormenting the Avatar like your mom used to." Korra had heard stories from Aang about Toph BeiFong's old quips.
"While she undoubtedly would approve of this scene," Lin gave three taps to the side of the metal, which had become a sort of wordless indicator that Korra could put everything down again, "this was my own idea. It's not supposed to be enjoyable."
"HYAAAAA!" Korra flung the metal slabs away and collapsed on the ground, completely motionless. "Sorry that I'm powerful, I guess?"
"There's nothing wrong with power when you can control it," Lin replied, "or in your case, have enough common sense not to set everything you see on fire."
"You're the one that keeps telling me I have a lot to learn," Korra remained lying on her side, utterly exhausted from lifting and holding several times her own weight above her head for at least a couple hours, "and so I'll learn it. Is that such a bad thing?"
"I'd frankly rather you just not do the crimes at all," Lin brandished a growing thick folder that was simply labelled "that damn kid".
"Hey, is that mine?" Korra looked amused.
"Much to the dismay of everyone who knew Avatar Aang, yes." Lin sighed, "It's hard to believe that such a sweet-tempered man was reincarnated into such a reckless, impulsive girl."
"Bite me," Korra riposted.
"You'd enjoy it too much," Lin didn't even skip a beat.
"Says the woman who gets her kicks from torturing a teenager," Korra bit back.
"You act like an adult; so you're going to get treated like one, Avatar."
"Yeah, brutal training regimens and near-death experiences kind of force you to grow up a little fast, don't they?"
"While I do not wish to make light of the trauma you suffered, surely even you must know it does not justify your wild and destructive behaviour."
"It doesn't," Korra shook her head weakly, "but it's kind of telling when a kid's stopping more criminal thugs than the actual police."
"Avatar Korra," Lin sighed, "Like any respectable Chief of Police, I believe in Order, Stability, and Law. When some ragtag Water Tribe girl comes in and covers an entire block with blue fire, it's not something anyone can turn a blind eye to—and on that note, you might want to ease up on that a bit; blue fire has a lot of unpleasant connotations."
"They' gotta deal with it," Korra shrugged, "Once you realize how to power blue firebending, it's really hard to want to go back." That was one of Nakkoa's lessons that stuck particularly well; and Korra, being as fond of power as she was, had not only devoured it, but also found merit to it. Any time she used firebending these days, it was blue; she hadn't used "regular" firebending since sometime before Nakkoa's lessons.
"I'll see you next week sometime then," Lin riposted, in reference to fearing she'd inevitably arrest Korra again within the week.
"See ya then," Korra muttered; fully willing to accept this theory as well.
"Ideally I wouldn't have to," Lin reminded her, "but I suppose you know healing, and I suppose your girlfriend can help ease your tenseness. Congratulations on that by the way, I suppose."
"Wait, who told you about me and Asami?" Korra gawked.
"I have my sources;" Lin hummed, "but it's none of my business who you love or what you two do together. It was really just advice."
"I'm just gonna lay here a bit," Korra mumbled.
"Suit yourself," Lin shrugged, collected her things, and disappeared inside.
Fortunately this 'disciplinary meeting' had been during one of her two-day downtime periods, because Korra rested for almost the entirety of both days. Asami generally left her be, particularly since she had decided to sleep outside for most of this time.
On the other hand, with Korra's behaviour growing more erratic and her emotional outbursts becoming more common, Asami felt like she had to perform a necessary evil, and so while Korra was resting outside with Naga, she stole into Korra's room.
It was slightly untidy, but in that eccentric sort of way that made Asami pretty sure that Korra could tell her exactly where anything was. A few Probending trophies and action figures lined one of the walls, as well as some promotional fliers and posters from her "Avatar Gauntlet" that had been wildly successful. Asami shook her head as she looked around the room, realizing that Korra clearly had no concept of the importance of money, because coins and bills were scattered everywhere in little piles, with the occasional stray gold piece or banknote that dotted the small room. Surprisingly, however, most of these piles were fairly neat.
Despite all of this monetary clutter, Korra's room was actually fairly well-organized—at least to the point where her candy wrappers were all in a bin near her writing desk, and there wasn't any other trash on the floor. Korra's room was an interesting place because the types of items and even how they were organized were some of many wordless signs about the Avatar's behaviour, as well as insights into her short but incredibly storied life.
Asami paused, taking a deep, contemplative breath as she looked over at Korra's journal. She had scanned a few entries last time and Korra had exploded at her, but she felt that it was for her own good if someone knew some of the things Korra's mind was trying to bury. She studied the book's exact location, intending to return it there the moment she was done. It was rather thick though, and so Asami expected a lot of reading.
"I'm sorry, Korra…" she whispered as she carefully picked up the worn old book; which, despite its condition was clearly treated with love and care as one of Korra's most beloved possessions. "But I love you… and because I love you, I need to know what you're trying to bury that's consuming you from the inside out…"
Asami hated it, but the fact of the matter was that Korra was a very difficult person to understand and properly deal with unless she was happy. Considering how unrealistic it was to expect anyone, Avatar or otherwise, to be happy for every waking moment, Asami wanted to learn the machinations of Korra's mind; to learn why she became so frighteningly aggressive so often, and she felt like the answer would be found in this little book.
Korra's journal was a remarkably detailed little account of the young Avatar's life, even if her handwriting left things to be desired. The first several entries were lined with apprehensive enthusiasm which only grew as she was taught more and more middling entries talked more about these mysterious "Interregnum Avatars" that Korra almost never mentioned around Asami. Little diagrams and drawings began to crop up more and more, and if her skills were anything like her doodles, Korra may have also been a very talented artist.
Nakkoa's name came up a lot, and it pained Asami to read about the suspicions Korra had had against the woman that would eventually traumatize her. Asami also blushed as she read how many times her own name came up in Korra's thoughts. Korra hadn't been joking when she had said that Asami was special to her.
The later entries became a lot darker, with wilder diagrams and eerie images of her Interregnum past lives. It was clear Korra had a remarkable obsession with these men and women that she was keeping completely under wraps, but what else was she hiding?
Paranoia—Korra's entries hinted that she was growing more and more apprehensive all the way up to where the regular entries ended: Day 548 and Day 549.
548 was normal; Korra wrote about her excitement of returning to Republic City, and the first half of 549 was her gushing about Asami and lamenting that she had to leave. The latter half of the entry though, was frightening. It took up two entire extra pages, most of which was illegible nonsense. What little Asami could make out of it was the words "WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?" over and over again, coupled with frightening images of an Avatar in chains.
Asami shuddered, closing the book and carefully replacing it. Just by looking at her room and the items in it and there was no way anyone could tell what the Avatar was suffering through. Korra had become remarkably adept at keeping her feelings and worries to herself as she tried to prevent herself from lashing out at people, and while she had made excellent strides in this regard, it was less that she was overcoming her trauma and more that she was just burying it deeper and deeper. Korra vented much less and as such tried to deal with her troublesome emotions on her own—which of course meant she struggled and failed more often than not.
Granted, Asami also overlooked the fact that she did the same thing to a lesser degree, but perhaps that was an issue Korra could discover someday. In the meantime, Asami felt like she'd have to tackle the monster in the room, and confront Korra about it. If she was going to chastise the Avatar for keeping secrets, she couldn't hide some of her own.
Korra was right where Asami had left her last time, and she looked up with a smile as Asami approached. It struck Asami in the heart, knowing full well what she was about to do.
"Asami!" Korra actually sat up even, "is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Asami admitted, "I just wanted to ask you something. These… Interregnum Avatars… who are they?"
Korra's entire demeanour changed immediately, because she only ever really spoke about these characters to either herself, her more recent past lives, the Red Lotus, or Naga. Her smile was immediately replaced with a fierce look that Asami could only describe as 'downright hostile'.
"It doesn't matter who they are," Korra growled, "It's none of your business."
"Korra, I didn't poke around your things to try and invade your privacy," Asami reasoned, "I did it because I want to help you get out of that destructive emotional-suppression cycle you're subjecting yourself to. It's toxic and destructive, and I can see its effects on you."
It took a moment, but Korra suddenly sprung up, her eyes flashing as she was immediately inches from Asami, seizing her by her collar.
"I thought I told you never to look at that!" She growled, but this time Asami was ready for her, and pushed her back.
"No, Korra," Her tone grew forceful again, but Korra's raw strength even outside of the Avatar State was still much greater than Asami's, to the point where Korra forced her all the way back until they were against the walls of the estate. Asami's eyes were wide, but she was not about to relent, even as she stared Korra down as she flared herself up with the Avatar State at her back. "I'm not about to let the most important person in my life drive herself mad if I think I can do something to stop it."
"You wanna stop it?" Korra threatened, "Then stop bringing it up and leave me alone!"
"Listen to me, Korra," Asami snapped again, putting her hands on Korra's arms, "This isn't going to work between us if you're just going to explode every time someone brings up a sensitive subject. You can't just threaten your way out of every delicate situation like that, and as much as I love you, I'm not going to sit by and let you keep doing this to yourself! You can't just seal it away and pretend everything is fine and dandy and wait for the inevitable moment when it all explodes out again. You're going to end up taking it out on someone, doing something stupid that you're going to regret like you're about to do now, and that's just going to make you more miserable!"
"Will you STOP!?" Korra screamed, "I thought I could trust you! I don't know if you've noticed me over the last several weeks, but I've been busting my ass to try and get my shit together so I don't explode on you like I'm about to do, but what do you go and do? You go right along and BETRAY that trust and so now I'm angry. Guess what happens when I get angry? This whole glowy shindig I'm up to right now; that's what! You can't just expect to waltz in pointing fingers and then act all hurt and surprised when I get a bit defensive! When someone's hurt, you close the wound; you don't dig in deeper and pry it open!"
"Is that really the case?" Asami squirmed against Korra's tightening force, "Or when you have something foreign in there, do you have to pry it open to pull it out? Yes, it's going to hurt. No, you might not like it, but it's necessary for getting over that mental block you have."
"I'M the one with the mental block!?" Korra barked, "Look, I'm envious as all get-out that you're able to put your own nightmares behind you and move on. I don't have that kind of luxury because apparently I'm not strong enough! Nakkoa betrayed me, Asami. The Red Lotus betrayed me. The White Lotus REALLY betrayed me! My parents almost betrayed me too! Now my girlfriend betrays my trust and you expect me to be fucking calm over it? Why do you think I came running to you when I fled the South? It was because you were the last person I thought I could trust, Asami! Do you see now why I'm so upset?!"
Even with her eyes aglow, there were tears running down both sides of Korra's face, and she was trembling even as water began to swirl menacingly around her.
"But that's the thing!" Asami raised her voice, "You CAN trust me! Why is this such a secret to you anyways? Do you think I'm going to judge you because of some crazy nonsense your past lives did? They might be you for being the Avatar, but they aren't you, Korra. Just as you can't take credit for their achievements, you can't be blamed for their failures either!"
"It's still none of your business though…" Korra's grip relented slightly, but she still kept Asami pinned to the wall.
"Why not?" Asami narrowed her eyes, "Korra, relationships are built on trust and respect. Do you not trust me? Is that what this is about?"
"Well I sure don't anymore!" Korra retorted.
"Did you before?" Asami countered, "Or were you so busy pretending to be someone else that you thought I was going to dump you by the wayside the moment I discovered who you truly were? Korra, stop this! Seriously, you're blowing this out of proportion!"
Korra's body stopped flaring up, but her eyes remained glowing as she tried to simmer down.
"I'm not trying to hurt you…" Asami spoke softer in an attempt to coax the distressed Avatar to ease up, "I'm not the Red Lotus; I'm not Nakkoa; I'm not anyone who lied to you and said you weren't allowed to express your emotions. I'm your best friend' your girlfriend; and someone that wants to see you happy, and that loves you for who you are."
"I don't want you to see that side of me…" She trembled, "My obsession with the Interregnums, my emotional instability… my aggressive and violent reactions, my…"
"Flaws?" Asami finished her sentence for her. "Korra… The night I first said I loved you, I meant it. I said I loved you for your strengths as well as your weaknesses. Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness… and you can show me every part of you without fear of judgment. If I see something problematic, I'll address it, not throw you out and try again. It's just… every time you think you're being perceived as weak, you immediately throw up these defenses and cut everyone out. This Avatar State thing you do is an example, and it's frustrating to me because I'm not trying to use it against you; I'm legitimately just trying to help!"
"It's a reflex," Korra sighed as her eyes finally returned to normal, "Asami, you terrified me for a while back there… I have seriously nasty trust issues, and if you've read my journal you know why. I'm begging you… please… please never betray that trust for me?"
"I would never dream of it," Asami gently put her arms around Korra, "sometimes, talking about our problems with someone close to us can help us solve them. I want to help you get over this mental block so that you can realize there are people that you can still trust—and I want to be one of those people for you. I love you, Korra. Your parents love you… and come on, do you think Bolin even knows how to betray someone? Even Mako, as distant as he is, isn't really the type."
Korra moved her hands from Asami's shoulders, although she was still inches away from Asami's face considering that her hands were now just above Asami's shoulders.
"I don't know why this is so hard for me" Korra sighed, "Really… how many times can I apologize before you decide to draw the line? I just blew up at you again and how are you so calm!?"
"Emotional control," Asami explained simply, "And once again—I know you. I know that when you lash out it's more of a defensive mechanism rather than actually being angry. That you always regret it afterwards is sign enough for me."
"Hnnng," Korra gritted her teeth before pulling Asami into a rather tight embrace, burying her face into the crook of Asami's neck, "How are you… you?" she mumbled. "I love you so friggin' much and I can't even put that into words and it drives me crazy and you just..." she mumbled a few other incoherent things as her eyes watered, and she buried her face into the crook of Asami's neck as she took in her lover's tantalizing scent and nuzzled against her soft, warm skin.
"Every good relationship is built on trust," Asami sighed, leaning against the crown of Korra's head, "it's how my father and I got through our hard times… and it's hopefully how I'll be able to help you do the same."
"You… you really do love me though, right?" Korra looked up, as if unsure.
"I wouldn't have said it so many times if I didn't mean it." Asami reassured her. "Now let's see your face, Korra… show me that smile, please?"
It was weak, and very forced, but Korra gave Asami the smile she requested, and Asami returned it. There was a pause before Korra realized something.
"You know…" she quipped, "we've kind of been a couple for a few weeks now, and I don't think Mako and Bolin ever realized it."
"You want to be the one to break it to them?" Asami giggled.
"I guess I should," Korra gave a hollow laugh, "since I'm the bad guy."
"Oh, now you're just being dramatic," Asami ruffled Korra's hair.
"Am not!" Korra pouted, "But… later. I think I need a walk to clear my mind."
She paused. "But… later. I think I need a walk to clear my mind."
"Want me to come with?" Asami offered,
"Yes… but also no." Korra lowered her head. "I… think I just need a little time to clear my thoughts, you know? Clean up the mess in my head, get back to you…"
"Of course," Asami stole a peck on Korra's forehead. "I understand."
"That..." Korra paused, before pulling Asami in for another embrace and putting her head right back into her hair, "Fuck, I love you, so, SO much!" Her skill at emotional suppression was the only thing that kept her from crying on Asami's shoulder.
"And I love you too, which is why I want to help," Asami whispered, running her hands through Korra's hair the way she liked, "you've suffered through so much in so little time, and it hurts me to see your pain. But seeing you happy… seeing you happy makes me heart flutter. You have such a beautiful smile and a heartwarming laugh, and you're such a pleasant person when you're in a good mood. I hope you can find peace on your walk, Korra."
Korra muttered some incoherent things into Asami's neck before eventually pulling back and saying a brief goodbye with a smile and a wave. She left the estate dressed once again in nothing but her headband, shirt, and pants, striding along with no real destination in mind. Korra was stupidly in love with Asami, and was now fixated on this notion that she had to get a grip on herself and her reality—or that she could very well put this beautiful fledgling relationship down before it had time to truly grow.