AUTHOR'S NOTES: It's technically still Monday for a few more minutes as I post this. Regardless, this is another sort of fluff chapter as Korra explores what's going on inside her head. It's a little breather in a way too because the next chapter kicks off another conflict and then there are some heavy-hitters after that. Otherwise, for fans of Korrasami, this one's for you.
Also, it should be noted that originally, Hasook was going to have a wife and kids in the canon show, but it was cut due to time constraints. Welp, since I don't have those constraints... here they are.
Happy Reading!
BOOK TWO: CHANGE
CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE: EMOTIONAL SCARS
The next couple of days were particularly interesting and full of quaint reunions. There was no word from Kwan or Lin, but Mako and Bolin ran into Hasook and his family, all of whom seemed unharmed by all of this conflict. His two little girls were both under the age of 5, and seemed particularly clingy to his wife, but even Korra warmed up to the little youngsters for a bit.
"Any news from Kwan?" Hasook asked Korra.
"I was hoping you'd have some," Korra admitted, "how do you know her again?"
"She's the one that tipped me off about the Underground," Hasook shrugged a shoulder, "Which is great, because the last thing I want is my wife or kids getting caught up in the Equalist mess—or losing their bending."
"Rest assured you're safe down here," a firebender man behind Korra showed up, "especially if you know Kwan. I swear that lady could disguise herself as Councilman Tarrlok and it'd take the city half a week before they noticed."
"Do I know you?" Korra tilted her head.
"No, but I know you," the firebender smirked, "The name's Kuro. I was in prison when you did your little exploding breakout stunt, and so I took advantage of the opportunity. I guess that makes us both Prison Breakers, doesn't it?"
"Prison Breakers…" Korra muttered, "You know our team then?"
"Everyone who's anyone remembers the Prison Breakers after they snatched the Avatar from right under the world's nose!" Kuro laughed, "But hey—I heard you were out a firebender after that whole shindig with Nakkoa. Don't worry;" he paused, noticing Korra's face scrunch up, "I'm not about to pry. I am about to offer my talents in support of your team though."
"Kwan's technically team captain," Korra shrugged. "So I suppose you'll have to run it by her. You've got my vote though; Avatar Gauntlet or not, I'd be so down for seeing the old Prison Breakers return for a season or two—especially since keeping busy keeps my head level."
"Oh this'll be fun," Hasook quipped, "Looks like we've got competition. I'll have to tip Mako and Bolin off next time they're around."
"I've gotta hope that Kwan gets out of this mess, wherever she is," Korra riposted, "I'd hate to have to find another earthbender too… or worse." Korra didn't want to think of 'worse' though.
Ultimately, despite meeting Hasook and being introduced to Kuro, Korra found that most of the time it was just her, Mako, Bolin, and Asami. Gommu, Hasook, Kuro, and Kuvira were among some of the many faces that crossed their paths now and again, but the Underground was almost like its own little community, and the people down there seemed to lead lives of their own all while avoiding the Equalist regime above ground.
As such, Korra spent most of the next three days working her body or practicing her bending, although it was clear that she was still prone to the same erratic, distant actions that her trauma often caused her to repeat. While Korra's mood did not revert to a full state of hopelessness, it was clear that her trauma was hitting her particularly hard again when she didn't bother to do her hair or get dressed beyond her sweatpants and tanktop. Asami sighed as she knew that she would have to confront Korra about it, hopefully before the United Forced arrived.
It wasn't that Asami hated dealing with Korra, or even that she necessarily hated dealing with Korra's wild emotions. It was more that it hurt her to see Korra like this because both she and Korra knew full well that this was not who she was. Korra was very aware of the effects her trauma had on herself and more importantly to those around her, and while her attempts at coping methods weren't always effective, she made it clear that she was trying her hardest to properly handle everything her mind still struggled to process—and to Asami that was a beautiful thing, because it meant Korra refused to submit to her trauma.
To her slight surprise, however, Korra came and confronted her before she could confront her.
"Hey, babe," she gave a weak forced smile and a wave, "can we talk?"
"Of course," Asami was somewhat taken aback, especially since she had been planning all morning what she had wanted to say to Korra upon confronting her only for that to all go out the window with Korra upending that plan. "What's on your mind?"
"The same shit that's usually on my mind, unfortunately," Korra sighed, lowering her head, "The people who broke me, my excuses for trying to justify my weakness, my failures as the Avatar, and how I feel like I'm exploiting you in our relationship. I just wanted to apologize for all of that."
"Korra, you're not exploiting me," Asami took her hand, enclosing it in her own. "I feel just as loved as you do in our relationship and I wouldn't want it any other way."
"But I'm so needy, and I hate not being able to help you with your needs the way you help me with mine!" Korra argued, "It's not fair to you; not after what you've been through and what I've subjected you to. I know, I know; we have this argument every day it seems like, but I just can't get over that! You don't deserve an abusive relationship—you deserve the world! I wish I could give that to you… but I just… I can't…"
Korra turned away, tears running down her face in a pair of fine streams, "I'm scared of everything… so afraid of losing you, losing my bending, losing my friends, losing my own sanity… I just can't… I…" she stammered, choking on her own words as she leaned the side of her face and body against the wall, her teeth gritted as her tears flowed unregulated.
"Korra…" It always tore at Asami''s heartstrings to see Korra cry, because the rare times it happened, it was always very genuine and agonized. "I'm not asking for the world. I'm not asking you to 'get over it', and I'm not accusing you of anything. I just want you—the real you."
"The real me is dead, Asami," Korra closed her eyes, "she died 2½ years ago when Nakkoa killed her, and reincarnated into this traumatized disaster that has only been exacerbated by bloodbending freaks, Equalist maniacs, and some psychopath that wants to strip me of my bending and my sanity. I'm just an empty husk, Asami. I'm an example of what trauma is."
Korra…" Asami sighed again, before reaching out and touching the burn scar on the left side of Korra's neck, which her lower-cut tanktop left visible. "What's this?"
"Come on," Korra muttered, "you know what that is, Asami. That's my scar—one of several."
"That's true," she nodded, "but now what are you, Korra?"
"A mess," Korra shrugged her left shoulder, "a failure; a vestige of what was once the Avatar. A stupid hopeless kid who can't get over what happened to her!"
"No," Asami shook her head, "You're Korra. You're also the Avatar—but more importantly, you are a strong, beautiful compassionate woman whose maturity far outstrips your age."
"Well sure… I guess?" Korra looked up for a moment with heavy eyes.
"My point though," Asami continued, "is that while you have that scar, it is not you. It might have influenced you the same way your other scars did, but it isn't you."
"What's your point though?" Korra did not look convinced, nor had her almost inaudible crying stopped or even slowed.
"Not all scars are physical." Asami explained, "your trauma is a scar too, Korra—but like your other scars, it's an injury—not your identity."
"It's like being the Avatar though…" Korra reasoned, "There's nothing I can do to make that go away, and even if I can separate it from who I am without it… it still has a huge amount of control over my life, and I hate it."
"You hate being the Avatar now?" Asami's expression was somewhat incredulous and shocked at Korra's assertion, hoping it was more just a miscommunication.
"Kinda, yeah," Korra admitted, "I mean, abusing the Avatar State's fun as hell sometimes, but really, other than that, I can link every scar I've gotten back to my identity as the Avatar. Everyone knows me and half the world hates me, and I've got almost two dozen past lives that are all up in my case for some reason and it's all just so overwhelming…"
Korra sighed, slumping into a sitting position on the ground as she wrapped her hands around her knees. "And these days I'm always just so tired… it's like I don't actually ever even rest anymore… but that I spend all that would-be rest time just trying and failing to process everything that's happened or that I'm trying to deal with. It's too much, Asami. It's just too much for me."
"Then let me help," Asami beseeched her as she crouched next to Korra, "Let me stand at your side and support you through this struggle, however long it may last."
"Well, I'm stuck being the Avatar until I die," Korra mumbled, and I don't imagine my trauma's ever going to heal any more than these scars."
"Korra, I know you don't want your identity as the Avatar to consume you, but I don't want to see you lose it either."
"Why not?" Korra scoffed, "Name one positive thing it's done for me."
"You took out a third of the Equalists' air force," Asami reminded her, "as well as almost half the mecha tanks at the Police Headquarters, a good size of the Equalist army when they attacked the Probending Arena; not to mention you slew my mother's killer, have apprehended or disabled dozens of Triads, saved hundreds of nonbenders directly and indirectly, and more than anything, have shown such remarkable control and restraint despite some of your wilder endeavours."
Korra paused for a moment, flicking some bangs out of her face as her tattoo was exposed.
"Korra, you are an incredible Avatar and you're not even 18 years old yet!" Asami took Korra's left hand in hers this time, caressing it idly with her thumb since there were no lightning burns on this hand, "you always seem to downplay yourself or sell yourself short. Why is that?"
"I turn 18 in two weeks!" Korra pouted, "...but I'm not downplaying myself. It's just that I really haven't done anything that impressive short of stopping a few maniacs in their tracks. Considering all the stuff my past lives have done, it makes me look even more inferior. I mean, Avatar Zeruda took control of the world. How's that for stopping maniacs?"
"Wasn't Zeruda only 18 when she began her conquest?" Asami was aware of some of the stories of Korra's past lives, and while they did not speak on the subject too often, these stories actually greatly intrigued Asami, "and isn't that something not to be proud of?"
Korra paused for a moment, and Asami took that time to fill in the silence.
"It's not a contest though, is it?" she asked, "but honestly Korra, as much as I love you for being you, there's a charm to you as the Avatar. I'd much rather you associate with that identity than try and make your trauma your identity."
"Once again," Korra groaned, "you're right." she looked up at Asami, who smiled down at her.
"Sweet spirits, I love you so fucking much…" Korra sprang up, throwing her arms around Asami's neck. "I don't know how you do it, Asami—and I probably never will—but thank you for listening… for understanding… for caring…"
Korra's face was still red and her eyes were puffy, but these were rare happy tears. Korra's emotions were worse than a pendulum, with her swinging rather fiercely from excited to depressive and anything in between at the drop of a hat.
"I don't imagine you're magically better all of a sudden, are you?" Asami quipped.
"No, I'm still exhausted…" Korra sighed, "But it's like… can I just cling to you and bury my face in your hair forever and we just forget about everything else for the rest of our lives until we die? Because honestly I fail to see a drawback there."
It was almost like there was a primal drive when Korra took in Asami's scent. She associated it with safety and with comfort; a reprieve for her weary mind. She sighed.
"You know I'm trying my hardest though, right?" she whispered.
"I've never known you to put forth anything but your all," Asami chuckled, playing with Korra's hair in that way that made the Avatar's heart flutter, "if anything you push yourself too hard sometimes. I was worried when I saw you the other day—which reminds me, how your arm?" Asami was not one to miss details, and after Korra had landed back on Air Temple Island she had been clutching her left arm.
"Well, I did 500 pushups with you on my back just fine shortly after that," Korra chuckled, stretching her left arm, "and I've done about 5700 over the last three days, so I'd say it's pretty good. Do you wanna touch it?" She flexed, giving Asami a rather formidable reminder of just how strong she was even without her bending. The fact that she had beaten all three members of the Fire Ferrets team in arm wrestles only further proved her point.
Perhaps to goad Korra further, Asami first gave Korra's arm a squeeze before she moved her other hand and began caressing it. Korra paused, raising her eyebrows with a curious pout.
"I've always admired your physical form too, Korra," Asami explained, "bending or not."
"Well yeah," Korra flexed her other arm too and grinned, "Not gonna lie—for how many things I hate about myself, I do like the results of my training—the bending's pretty fun too."
"No argument there," Asami retracted her hands as Korra lowered her arms, "And you're so resilient—both physically and mentally. That is admirable training."
"Hey, you were right about me not giving anything short of my all," Korra quipped, "and if you don't push the limits you'll just grow complacent where you are and soon your rivals or enemies will surpass you. Not all the lessons of the Red Lotus were bad…"
"Mmm…" Asami hummed, "you strengthened your body to deliver and withstand pain and punishment and you regularly get results. The muscles are an enjoyable side benefit."
"You find my muscles enjoyable?" Korra raised her eyebrows again.
"I meant that you enjoyed having them, since it's clear you do;" Asami smirked, "but yes... since you asked. I mean really, it's kind of hard not to."
Korra laughed, "now you're just tempting me," she warned, "you do realize this is going to come back to haunt you after we deal with Amon, right?"
"Maybe that was the point," Asami teased as she stole a kiss from Korra's cheek. "Come, let's see what we can do before the United Forces show up…"
The waiting game was hard on Korra, but sometimes it really was just the little things that could make the waiting that much less difficult. Korra might not have felt like she was exactly blessed with good fortune, but when she thought about Asami Sato and her relationship with this amazing woman, Korra considered herself the luckiest girl in the world.