Hi, it's me again! I'm sorry for the long wait. Thank you for everyone who reviewed, and who favorited/followed! It means a lot to me, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
Just to clarify something that Nanettez kindly brought to my attention, Dumbledore does not want Harry to die, as he thinks he does not need to as Voldemort took his blood. Nevertheless, he does think it is necessary for Harry to sacrifice himself thinking he has to die, so his actions will continue aiming in that direction.
By the way, I know the sessions with Carmen are not too realistic, and that psychologists don't usually give direct advice and whatnot, but I don't want to write pages and pages of each session when the relevant thing is what Harry learns from them instead of Carmen's methods. Plus I need for him to feel much different by September, which would be near impossible in a real therapy, so that's why she's very direct with him and he realizes things so fast. If it bothers anyone, I'm sorry, I'm trying to make Carmen less direct without impeding Harry's fast progress, but his progress speed will continue being that way even if it's not realistic.
City Bookworm: Yes, that's my intention :) Harry will definitely start thinking things through more and being more independent. He will also make more friends, as Ron and Hermione sometimes limit him and are not very good listeners. About the classes, you'll see something about it in this chapter.
On with the story! I hope you like this chapter, though it's slightly shorter than the others.
Summary of last chapter: Sirius realizes his trial possibility is real, and starts to prepare it along with Remus and Hermione who offers to help. Harry and Anto have their first kiss.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from Harry Potter, that's all JK Rowling's. Carmen, Anto and the plot are mine. I'm not making any profit from this story.
Chapter 11
'So, have you written in your journal since the last session?' asked Carmen the next day as soon as he had sat down on the couch. Harry nodded. He'd written all about the questions he had, about how angry and anxious he was right now, and reflected quite a bit about his resolution to take control of his life.
'Is there something in particular that you would like to talk about regarding that?' Carmen asked gently. Harry sighed. He still didn't feel comfortable telling his secrets to a near stranger (or to anyone really) but he could tell that even if he had only had two sessions, they had helped him greatly. He had realized that he didn't really have a good grasp of his emotions, and that learning to talk about them had aided him when understanding them and thinking of possible solutions. Knowing that, it was perfectly clear to him that his negative feelings would diminish if he took the time to go through them, something he had never practiced before…which unfortunately meant he had to make the effort to actually tell Carmen what he was thinking.
'I've realized there are some things I need to change about how I act, and information I need to find out' he told her, remembering what he'd written for the past few days. Starting with his list of questions and continuing the following days in the journal, he'd been startled at the number of things he should know and didn't about the wizarding world.
'Like what, for example?' Carmen prompted attentively.
'I've made a list of things, for example how health care works in Wizarding Britain, how goblins live, and a lot about the last war and Voldemort' Harry said slowly 'until I tried to explain the war to you I didn't realize that I didn't know anything about him! I don't know why I never asked people' he wondered feeling ashamed of himself at his lack of effort. 'I just got a catalogue from a bookstore there, so I'll check it and order books about it, I guess some things I could always ask other people. Hermione's always willing to tell me stuff I don't know' except about what's happening right now he thought bitterly to himself.
'Well, it's good that you've already thought of some ways to find the information' supplied Carmen 'what about the things you'd like to change about how you act? You mentioned there were some…'
Harry hesitated, though he already knew she would end up knowing more about him than most people. 'Yeah, the first thing is about the information issue…I've decided to try to be more proactive when thinking about what I need, instead of waiting for people to tell me` he replied pensively 'and I guess proactive in general, when it comes to achieving what I want...like trying to think of different ideas and solutions, instead of just listening when other people say it's impossible or it has to be done a certain way' he replied, thinking about the Sirius issue. How many things in his life could improve if he didn't do what others said blindly?
'Mmm, that's interesting' mused Carmen 'and how do you hope to start doing that? Searching for the information as you decided is always a good start, what else do you think you should do?'
'Err, I don't know' Harry replied blushing 'I've just decided to do it, haven't thought about how yet' he said sheepishly 'I guess I could try to make more effort at Hogwarts, specially in the things I need to know to defend myself against Voldemort'. This had also been one of the points he'd written about in his journal. So far, he'd survived mostly on luck, so he'd have to step up his game if he wanted to have a real chance of living to his adulthood.
'You don't make an effort now?' asked Carmen interestedly. He appreciated the fact that she was able to keep the judgment out of her voice.
'Mmm, not really' he replied 'Ron always wants to play chess instead of doing homework, and usually I follow along…and Hermione's always doing homework and reading ahead, but she's too smart to follow and not good at explaining, it gets quite boring' he confessed.
'So, I take it you really like chess?' Carmen prodded. Harry didn't know why this was so interesting to her, but he was glad she'd chosen a safe topic, unlike other times. He much preferred talking about chess and his friends than about the Dursleys.
'Not really, plus I'm horrible at it and Ron's a master, he always wins' he replied 'it gets very boring after five minutes'.
'Why do you play all the time if you don't like it?' Carmen asked. Harry felt surprised, having never thought about the question. Why did he put up with playing a game he didn't like at least once a day? He could certainly use that time in more productive ways.
'I don't know' he replied, confused. 'I guess at the beginning Ron was my first and only friend, and I didn't want to seem like a nerd or something, since he complained a lot about homework. Then I just got used to it, I guess. I don't know why I still do it'. Was he still worried that Ron would not consider him cool? Harry wondered. The redhead was quite easy to anger, and Harry had always avoided it at all costs, even unconsciously. His friend could definitely hold a grudge.
'It's possible that you still feel that way, especially if you don't have many other close people' Carmen commented once he'd told her this 'do you often limit other choices because of what he thinks?' she asked piercingly. Harry thought carefully, concluding that he definitely did. He always stayed out of Ron and Hermione's fights, even though often it was Ron who was wrong. Harry had always stopped studying even when a subject was interesting just because his friend was complaining, and even his electives had been chosen because Ron had taken the easiest classes. Now that he thought about it that had been a mistake. Divination had never taught him anything useful, and he was sure he'd have liked ancient runes. From what he'd seen, it was similar to a language, and he'd found Spanish quite fun so far. Arithmancy seemed too complicated, but definitely useful. Hermione had invented spells with what she learned in that class, and runes were used in wards and protection charms. Not to mention they were probably needed for a lot more jobs than divination. Why had he cared more about taking the easy way with Ron than his own future? True, he had received horrible advice from everyone, but he could have always asked more people, or read a short introduction of each subject to see which sounded interesting. It would have definitely meant less effort than suffering through Trelawney's faraway voice for three years.
'It seems as if it's hard for you to figure out what you want when you're worried about pleasing others' Carmen commented in response to his ramblings. Harry nodded. He didn't even know what he wanted to do with his life. After two weeks of being in Spain, he'd realized he enjoyed many pastimes he'd never thought about before. He'd realized what it was really like to fancy a girl, and that it wasn't too bad to open up and talk about his feelings. He'd realized how ignorant he was about his world, and how much he'd neglected his own education. Why had he realized so many things in two weeks, which he'd never even thought about for years? Harry could now roughly guess one of the reasons. Here no one expected anything of him, he wasn't worried about what people thought, and had made decisions solely because of what he wanted. He had never noticed it, but he'd always followed others' opinions in the wizarding world. Dumbledore decided where he stayed for the summer, and Ron and Hermione decided what he did at school, and how he should think about wizarding people and events. Even his place in the Quidditch team hadn't been his own choice, though he didn't regret it at all. Neither McGonagall nor Wood had actually asked him if he wanted it. Maybe he had let his title get to him, even if not in the way Snape always said. Because really, it was his own choice to either follow opinions of what he should be, or search for his own. If he could be just Harry in Spain, he could also be just Harry in Britain.
'I guess searching for what I want instead of what others expect is also a good way to start being more proactive about my life' Harry said uncertainly 'but I'm not really sure of what that is'. Carmen nodded supportingly.
'In my experience, it's always hard at the beginning when you are not used to it, but it's always more freeing and peaceful in the end to be yourself' Carmen told him 'I'll help you with this, though you'll do most of the work on your own. And don't worry about not knowing exactly what you want; you're only fifteen after all. Searching for your own opinions on ordinary things, like homework and classes, is always a good start'. Harry nodded, resolving to achieve this goal no matter the cost. Because whenever he'd done exactly what he wanted, ignoring the fear it caused him, he'd been the happiest. Even if it was not the easiest way, it had always been better for him in the long term. He wondered how much things could change when he did this.
'Another thing I've been thinking that I have to change is the way I deal with my emotions' Harry told Carmen softly 'like how I bottle things up and then explode, like you said. I've found that it helps to think and talk about them to understand them, but I find it difficult to do that. Sometimes something angers me and I explode, even if I don't know what it is' he confessed. Carmen nodded understandingly.
'Well, there are many methods of learning how to understand your emotions and relieve stress in positive ways. The therapy will definitely help you with this, the writing and talking to people you trust as well. I definitely think you're more open than when we met, and we've only known each other for a week' Carmen pointed out encouragingly.
'Yeah, talking and writing has helped a lot' agreed Harry 'but I was wondering if there's also a way I can practice or specific techniques to be calm and understand myself better' he continued blushing 'I know it's not the same as a sport, and that it's not an exact formula or anything, but if I can do more to improve I would like to'.
'Well, you could try to meditate' Carmen suggested 'it's used in a lot of countries as a regular practice to control your mind and emotions better. There are a lot of ways you can do that, though I usually recommend yoga to younger patients because it's more active and it makes it easier to focus'. Harry nodded and agreed thoughtfully. He had heard about yoga, though he'd never paid much attention to it. He was sure finding a book on yoga exercises couldn't be too hard, Barcelona was a big city. And if he didn't like it he could just search and try out another method to practice controlling his emotions.
'That sounds useful, I'll try it out and let you know how it goes next time' Harry told Carmen, knowing that the hour was over. 'See you on Thursday'.
'Your portkey is about to activate' warned Carmen 'have a great day' she told him smiling. Harry responded in kind, taking the portkey lighter in his hand, which had already started glowing faintly. And then a sudden thought assaulted him.
'Do you think they'd let me change my courses at Hogwarts?' he asked looking directly at the psychologist.
'Well, you'll never know until you try' she replied, before he felt the familiar lurch and she spun out of view. It was true that he'd never know if it was possible until he tried…and it was also true for everything else he wished for. He'd write to McGonagall as soon as he got home.
Only a day had gone by, and Sirius was fed up. Hermione could not stop telling him about the various laws that would help him get his freedom back, and about how he should argue each of them. Although he was actually somewhat impressed at her intelligence, he wished she would just shut up. She had no idea how things really worked in the wizarding world, and thus was no help at all. He had no doubt her advice would work if things in the Wizengamot were run by the rules, but the fact is that they weren't. He needed to convince the Wizengamot members, not Amelia, and that was done by politics first and by solid arguments only as back up. He sent an exasperated look to Remus. He would not be able to get anything done until she stopped the incessant babbling.
'Hermione' said Remus firmly, apparently catching on 'That's enough. We appreciate your effort, but that is not what Sirius needs. We will work on this on our own from now on'.
'What do you mean this is not what Sirius needs?' Hermione asked shrilly 'Of course it is, all these laws make him officially able to prove his innocence!'
'Because things don't work like that here!' snapped Sirius 'the truth is useless if people don't have a reason to vote for it. Now leave, I need adults who know what they are doing'.
Hermione left without a backwards glance, wide eyed. Sirius thought he saw tears in her eyes, but he didn't care. She had brought this on herself, and it wasn't his fault she couldn't handle the truth.
'You were a bit harsh, Sirius' Remus said reprovingly 'she only wanted to help'.
'Well, she's not' Sirius replied shortly 'Now, are you going to help me or not?'
Remus nodded, and they brainstormed for a while. Sadly, the werewolf wasn't much help either, though he was a lot less annoying than Hermione. He was a half-blood from a minor house, had never been in court, and had no idea how the Wizengamot worked. Sirius knew that even if he took veritaserum, his own testimony would be worth nothing. What he really needed was a credible defendant. Someone who knew both the law and politics, was well respected, and who would be willing to defend him. He wondered how he could reach someone like that without arising a fuss in the order. He knew Kingsley, Hestia and Emmeline would probably know people, but they all worked at the ministry, and could probably lose their jobs if it got around that they were helping him. Still, they were probably his best shot. Dumbledore would have been great in a different situation, but his name was in the mud these days, and Sirius didn't want to risk it. He shared his concerns with Remus, wondering who could he ask first. Emmeline was the wealthiest one of his three comrades; she would probably be the least upset about her job.
'What about Tonks' mother?' Remus suggested 'She doesn't work at the ministry, and she probably knows a lot of people'. Sirius brightened, wondering why it hadn't occurred to him. It was the perfect solution. St. Mungo's wouldn't care less that Andromeda had secured him a defendant, and she had been a Ravenclaw from an influential family. She had many pureblood friends who couldn't care less that she had married a muggleborn and that she was probably still in contact with.
'That's the perfect idea! I'll floo her now' Sirius said cheerily, barely remembering to have Remus floo first in case she had visitors who would be thrown by an escaped convict appearing in her fireplace.
Harry paused, wondering how he could phrase his petition to McGonagall, before deciding that the truth was probably his best option. He wondered if he was the first person to ask to change his electives after two years, or if it was only unusual. Still, if he didn't ask her he would never know. He finished the letter with a flourish and signed the envelope, putting it next to the ones he'd just written to Sirius, Ron and Hermione. He wondered if his letter to the Department of Law Enforcement would have any consequences, but he suspected these things took time. The Director probably hadn't even seen his memory yet.
He started perusing Flourish and Blotts' catalogue interestedly, glad that it was done by sections. He hadn't received his Hogwarts letter for the new term yet, so he ignored his subjects' section in favor of the wars section. Luckily, each book name had a summary, so he could know which ones were about the last war and which ones weren't. He chose 'Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts', knowing it was about Voldemort, and vaguely remembering Hermione telling him he himself appeared in it, not that that was strange. He also picked 'A muggleborn guide to the Wizarding World', figuring it had basic information about a lot of topics and it would help him think of new things he should learn. He wondered why no one had suggested that he buy this book in first year, knowing he was muggle raised. After some debating, he also chose a book that explained the different jobs in the wizarding world, one about healing, one about how the ministry and other authority boards worked, and one about account managing and dealing with goblins. He figured this would be enough for now. They would last him at least the rest of the summer, not considering the yoga book he'd just bought and his Hogwarts texts.
He finished the order to the bookstore and sent Hedwig with all his letters, knowing she had already had a day's rest. He started reading the yoga book, but promptly figured it was better to wait for Anto, though the pictures were quite illustrative. He didn't know enough Spanish to understand it all, but at least he had been able to buy it. He knew she was at the beach today with some of the friends they'd met, but she would probably be back in a couple of hours. At first, he hadn't known how to act after the kiss of last night, but to his surprise, everything had flowed naturally. They'd taken a morning stroll across the beach, talking, laughing and occasionally kissing, and he'd been with her and their friends until after lunch, when he'd had his appointment with Carmen. It had felt amazing, being with her so freely, all his worries seeming less important when he was fully enjoying himself.
He picked up his History of Magic essay, and started working on the foot he had left. He vaguely reflected on how much more interesting the class seemed when he did his homework on his own instead of listening to Binns, and resolved to read the History text during his class instead of sleeping. That way he might actually learn something. Once he finished the essay, he started writing in his diary, thinking about today's session with Carmen. He had never realized how much he held back to please Ron, and to some degree Hermione, and how he had never cared about pursuing his own interests. Now that he thought about it, that wasn't healthy. He had hardly ever talked to anyone else at school, and always followed along with what they wanted to do. What if there were other people at Hogwarts that made him feel comfortable and free like Anto? What if there were other people he could trust, whom he felt like he could be himself with and that fit well with his personality? He might have missed many opportunities to be happy and not even known it.
He had always just drifted, following people along and solving mysteries to save everyone, and he had never once wondered what he would like to do, or what made him happy. Why was this? He knew it wasn't Ron and Hermione's fault. Yes, they were very stubborn and got angry easily, but that didn't force him to stay quiet. Harry was the one limiting what he said and did, and how could they be expected to understand if he had never told them anything or stood up for himself? Why had he never searched for his own happiness? It had done him so good in the last two weeks, so what stopped him from doing it all the time? Was it because, to some degree, he felt that he didn't deserve to be happy? He did feel angry with himself all the time, and Carmen had told him he tended to take the blame for things that weren't his fault. Why was this? He had always thought it was normal, but maybe this was one of the feelings he would have to fix.
I hope you liked this chapter, please tell me your thoughts and suggestions!
Unfortunately I'm going to travel until the beginning of October, so I probably won't be able to update this story or my other one (When Ginny met Dean) until then. Sorry! I beg your patience.