Severus ignored the biting cold as his worn cloak was not able to keep his body warm. It was dark and time had been long past curfew. Finally, he would find out what the Marauders were up to. "Wingardium Leviosa," he whispered. He levitated a small oak branch that started floating to the whomping willow. Severus heart skipped a beat as the whomping willow indeed freezed. Severus pushed the fear he felt away, that for a minute froze him up. Nothing good can come from this, he thought. Nothing good can come from listening to Black. Still he felt compelled to go. To see where it would lead him.
"Severus," whispered a voice behind him. Severus felt his heart twinge painfully. It had sounded like his mother's voice. Only less tired as she had always seemed to be the last few years. It could not be her voice. She had died this summer. He had been at home. He had taken care of her. He felt his throat close up. The tearline on his face stinged from the cold. He abruptly turned. It was undeniably his mother that floated in front of him. She was a ghost. He suddenly felt the urge to puke. Would Potter, Black, them, have done this? She stretched her hand out to him and transfixed he took it and felt himself floating away with her. Severus kept looking at his mom. She looked younger. At peace. Less worried. Less worn.
"Fuck!" It sounded far away and as Severus looked into the direction of the sound, he saw a panicking Potter start running towards the whomping willow while changing into a deer.
"Severus," His mother then whispers urgently. "You must listen to me, dear. You only have one chance. One change to save yourself from a terrible faith. To save yourself from bitterness and deep sorrow and regret. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. Please listen to them, my little half-blood prince."
His mother then started fading. He saw her bite her lower lip, stopping it from trembling softly. He felt himself starting to fall downwards softly. Distance grew between Severus and his mum as she became more and more translucent. He started falling harder. He felt his stomach twinge a little. Then as his mother completely disappeared, he hit the snow. He felt himself shaking, but not from the snow chilling his body. He quickly scrambled up. He no longer felt compelled to find out what the marauders were up to. He did not even feel hate to them. He just felt unsure and scared to his bones. Had it really been his mum? Had it been a really sick prank? But how would they know about his mum. Would Lily have helped them out? He sneaked his way through the dungeons and back into his common room. His dorm mates were all asleep. He sat up on his bed. He felt his heart race.
Just as he had felt calm enough to close his eyes and unclench his fists, he heard a ghost whisper his name. "Severus, I have come for you," the ghost said. "I am the ghost to show you your past." Severus eyes shot up to meet the eyes of another ghost that extended his hand towards him. To his relief he did not recognize this ghost at all.
Severus found himself in Spinners End suddenly. He heard a child happily chirp mum. He heard warm laughter and as Severus turned he already knew what would happen. He saw his mum engulf him - this seven year old version of him. He remembered the warmth of her hug. He remembered how vivacious she had been. How happy he had been in that tiny moment.
He heard her softly sing christmas carols. She started singing o holy hippogriff, which in his memories was her favorite. As he stared at this moment, this happy moment he had forgotten, or pushed away as it was painful. As happiness had seemed threatening when so much had been painful. He realized something, it had never been his mother's favorite christmas song, it had always been his. He saw his eyes light up, his mother's pleased smile at how much her little half-blood prince enjoyed the song, the roll of her eye as she started singing it again. For a second he wished he could stay in this memory for eternity. But it disappeared as suddenly as it had surrounded him.
He was a bit older now. He saw himself immersed in experience. He was helping his mum with her potions. They used to do that whenever his father was not at home. He was touching a shrivelfig and studying it with the greatest wonder. Next would be the valerian root that was next to him on the ground. His mother was softly telling him all what she knew about potions and the ingredients and about how to best cut things. Severus remembered how enraptured he had been listening to his mother talking about potions and how fascinated everything was to touch, smell, think about. She told him about not following the books, but how with good thinking often more potent potions could be made. She had learned him to be creative and to not only learn by book.
It faded.
There she was: Lily. She looked so young. And he did too. He was telling her about Hogwarts.
It faded.
The memories suddenly seemed to go a bit faster. He was standing at Lily's front door. He was ten here. His body was shivering. It was christmas. They hadn't had money for a new one, so he just wore an old sweater. Petunia opened. Severus felt his face sour. Then Lily, greatly excited, exhuberant as she always was during Christmas dragged him in, ignoring Petunia glowering at both of them. Severus then felt himself blushing deeply remembering what happened that night. He wanted to look away. To not see what was going to happen. Embarressed he wanted to dissappear into nothingness, but instead he watched as he watched all other memories. He saw how Lily's mother warmly embraced him, how her father kept a bit distance, how they'd given him a present along with Lily and Petunia. He saw how Lily's parents had tried to make him feel at home, make him feel a real part. He saw Petunia looking a bit petulant at him receiving a present as well. And he suddenly saw what he did not as a child. Lily's father was smiling warmly at him. Severus had been afraid of her father. He had assumed the worst. Had thought her father had hated him like Petunia had.
As quick as that realization came in, the next moment evolved before him, giving him no time to linger on those thoughts. He saw the moment he first talked to Lily. How he had startled her, jumping out of the bushes. How badly he had startled Petunia. He had scared her, he realized. How Petunia had retaliated feeling embarressed by her startled reaction. How he had accidently let the tree branch fall on her. How she had known it was him that did it.
He was on the Hogwarts train. He met Potter and Black for the first time. Lupin that was sitting shyly in the corner of their compartment, almost as if he was afraid to befriend or talk to anyone.
He saw Dumbledore when he reached out to him worried the first time when Severus had landed in the hospital after a prank.
He saw him meeting with Lily at Hogwarts. She introduced him to Alice, Mary and Marlene. He saw himself. Talking through them, ignoring them, in favor of hearing Lily's voice or opinion.
He saw himself laugh at pranks from Andrew Mulciber. There had been many. He had forgotten them. Had there really been so many? Before he could wonder if others had forgotten how many pranks Potter and Black had played on him, the next memory caught his attention. He saw Mary. Andrew was towering over her. She was not thinking it was funny. Severus might not be laughing, but he did nothing. He let it happen.
He saw pranks from Potter and Black on him. He saw Lily standing up for him whenever she was there, even Alice, Mary and Marlene a few times in their first year. He saw himself studying with Dan Avery. Enjoying himself. He saw himself meeting Regulus, who for some reason seemed to latch onto him. He saw himself with Regulus and Dirk Cresswell. Then he saw himself hanging upside down. He heard himself say the word: mudblood, to Lily.
And then suddenly he was back in his dorm. Silence engulfed him. He was feeling so many emotions at the same time that he had no idea how he felt. For the first time in a long time he thought about a girl other than Lily. How could he have so blind by Mary being bullied by Andrew? Had he even enjoyed it in some way? At least he had not been the victim that time. He had even fought with Lily about it. Said what Andrew had done to Mary had just been for laughs. And else she should just learn to better protect herself, as if it somehow made the bullying her fault. Instead of Andrew's. And of his by extension. By allowing it. By not standing up for her. As if it somehow made him save- as if-
"I am the ghost of the present", a ghost then said pulling Severus out of his thoughts. The ghost laid its hand on Severus shoulder, who would have ducked away if he would have been able to, but there had been no time to react. Severus then saw what could have been. He saw Lupin. He saw recognition in Lupin's eyes. He saw fear. Wild panic on Lupin's face and then it was overtaken by a different fear, no more like pain. He saw Lupin's face transforming. His bones shifting. Then he saw himself eye in eye with a werewolf. The werewolf leaped at him. He felt himself shake. He felt unable to move from fear. Then a stag jumped in between them. He saw himself waking up in the hospital. He saw Regulus sitting directly next to his bedside. He saw Dan Avery. Rabastan Rosier and Andrew Mulciber were trying to pull him into some prank on Mary. He saw the prank. He saw himself enjoy her pain. He enjoyed how powerful it made him feel. Her embarrassment. To see it happen to another person. To not be the victim himself of the jeering. Then he felt sick, as he sat on his bed again.
He shot up, ran straight towards the dormitory, where he puked. Mary did not deserve that happening to her. No one would. Then the last ghost arrived. He saw the ghost reflected in the toilet water. He scrambled away from the ghost. Horrified by how much he felt. How painful his chest was beating. "I don't want to, just go," Severus whispered.
"I am the ghost of the future," the last ghost whispered. He struck out his hand. "Don't you want to know what you need to know?"
Severus felt terrified. Was frozen in his fear for a long moment. Almost felt like forever. Dirty, he felt as well. His mother's warning was going through his mind. You must listen to me, dear. You only have one chance. One change to save yourself from a terrible faith. To save yourself from bitterness and deep sorrow and regret. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. Please listen to them, my little half-blood prince.
"Are you sure, Severus?" The last ghost started to turn away and let his hand fall to its side. It started to fade. "I guess I misjudged you to be brave."
Suddenly Severus pushed all his thoughts, feelings and everything else away. He felt clarity again as he stood up and grabbed the dissappearing ghost's hand. For a moment Severus thought he might have been too late, but then his surrounding changed again. He almost could not see what was happening as he felt so much pain on his left underarm. His vision was blurred. He saw him. Immediately recognized himself looking at the dark lord. Then he saw the dark mark and his reddened skin around it. He saw flashes of burnt muggle villages, torturing and fighting. He recognized faces here and there of people he studied with at Hogwarts. Then he saw her - Lily. Marrying James. She was undeniably happy. He saw Voldemort declaring Regulus killed for deflecting. Then he saw christmasses with Lucius and Narcissa. Lucius asking him to become godfather. He saw Draco. He overheard a prophecy and telling Voldemort. He saw himself beg to Dumbledore. He saw himself asking Voldemort to spare her. He saw Dumbledore telling him Lily was dead. Dumbledore was saying something about her son. He saw Voldemort killing Dirk Creswell. Then silence. No more memories.