Chapter 16: Where I Once Was

There were many calls between me and Dixie. I've had to tell her that there weren't any flights I could take to get to Johnston and I had to use a passenger boat to get across Panama. I was certainly going to miss the match against Kazakhstan and see Delilah's plan be brought to the battlefield. Every night on that frigate, I made a call to the commander of the Stonewall. Every conversation felt nearly identical. Nothing more than a greeting, some empty questions and answers, a longing to see each other, and finally, a farewell.

It was the fourth night where things had a change. It was after all, the night of the match up against Kunaev. I went to the telephone area of the ship and as usual, there was no line. I suppose the growing of technology can have as many upsides as well as downsides in regards of the old methods. I lifted the phone from the receiver and began to dial a number, a few rings came to my ear followed by an answering machine. She was probably still busy with the post match and likely partying with the rest of the Rebels there. I waited a good fifteen minutes before calling again and this time she answered.

"Hello?" Her voice was missing any sense of dread or regret.

"Hey!" I shouted as a slight smile found its way in my face. "How'd the match go?"

"We won!"

"Great!"

"'Lilah's plan worked! We had six tanks survive the match this time around."

"Wow, wish I was there to see it!"

"Yeah," Dixie's voice began to deflate. "How much longer until you're back?"

I let out a sigh. "Should be a week at most, you guys are still at Charleston, right?"

"Yeah."

"Uh, well, it won't be too long. How'd you hold up in the Stonewall?"

"I've been getting better. Getting hit isn't as scary as it was back then."

"That's good to hear."

"What about you? Do you think you can tell me about what happened with Clara?"

We've been avoiding this throughout the days I've been gone and at that point, she deserved an explanation over what happened.

"Mom and dad weren't happy to see me. I'm afraid I can't go and see little Clara anymore."

"What? Hang on, I need to get moving." I waited as I could hear faint footsteps through the phone. "Okay, what happened."

"My dad and I got into a bit of a scuffle at the hospital."

"Oh no-"

"Don't worry about it, I'm fine for the most part and little Clara's likely the same. They didn't even tell me what happened to her."

"Why would they not let you be there?"

A mixture of irritation and general anger was welling up in my throat and began to leak into my words. "We both know the reason why."

"But Clara's forgiven you!"

"It's still the same as that time ago. I remember dad saying something like, 'God has forgiven you, but that doesn't mean I will.'"

There was a bit of silence after I mentioned that. It took some time for Dixie to break it. "Are you alright?"

I was able to swallow the wrath and feel the dull apathy make its way back to my brain. "I just don't know anymore. I'll call you when I get to Johnston. I just need some time for my thoughts."

From the other end, I could tell Dixie's voice was beginning to sulk. "Okay, I'll see you then."

"Take care."

"You too."

My head felt numb after the other end of the line hung up. It didn't matter what I told myself about little Clara. In the end, all that truly mattered was how history had played out. I sat beside the guest phone for who knows how long, all that could cross my mind was the boy who stupidly stole the keys to his dad's car and take his little sister with him for some joyriding. All that fun wasn't worth the crash and burn that turned most of Clara's body into that mess. Just like the revelation at that church Dixie goes to, I came to the realization that I truly destroyed my family in that moment. It didn't matter what my sister thought of me. I ended up turning my parents into what they became towards me. Tears ran from my eyes once again and I had to make sure my voice couldn't be audible as other passengers weren't too far from the . It really didn't matter in the end. I already set everything in stone.

The only solace I was granted while the frigate sped through the water was listening to the radio. Cotton Overdrive was playing with the song, Late Now. Listening to the lyrics reminded me of that fateful night with Dixie. We were lost in each others worlds, each other's eyes and there could be more to experience the next time we meet up. Just thinking about that gave me enough strength to wish to keep moving forward. Other nights came and went, phone calls were still made between me and the leader of the Stonewall. According to her, both she and Delilah took great lengths to explain my latest absences from class and practice to all faculty and my tardiness has been excused and I can return to tankery practice like nothing happened. Though, I'm going to have a lot of make up work to go through alongside the usual tank paperwork.

All of that was on my mind but when the music nor the phone calls were permitted to me, my thoughts would drift towards the memories that led to events that happened when I came to Saunders most recently. I remember pulling Clarabelle out of the car as flames had consumed the interior. I held her tight, begging God to not let her die over my stupidity. What I would give to make sure I was the one out second. I followed that memory and recollected the nights I spend at the hospital, praying fifteen decades of the rosary as little Clara rested. It was by the second day my father made sure I was never out of his sight and kept me away from my little sister. He had every right to be furious with me and maybe he was right in saying I shouldn't be near her anymore.

My time spent ashore away from the school was mired by watching the other passengers go about their days as the ship continued it's path. We were past Panama at this point and finally in the Gulf of Mexico. The last few nights in that passenger frigate were uneventful for the most part. Just watching the sky and occasionally listening to the music on board. The only highlights, of course, were the talks with Dixie. The final night on that ship we were both excited, though, under my breath, I felt a dread when being back in Johnston.

"I can't wait to see you!" Dixie's voice was loud enough for me to keep the phone a bit of distance from my ear.

"Yeah, me too." Even I could tell from my voice that I was getting even more deflated as Johnston was getting closer.

"It'll be alright, Johnny," Her voice also started to lose some of its joy.

"Yeah."

"I promise you, You'll find me waiting for you at the docks."

"I appreciate that," a grin was able to find its way back on my face hearing her say that. "Also, there's something I want you to do for me."

"What is it?"

"You and Delilah have been helping me so much for this..."

"Don't worry about it, you're our friend."

"Yeah, but the fact Delilah was able to convince one of the flyboys to take me as close to Saunders as possible..."

"Like I said, don't worry about it."

"Can you at least tell her that wish to thank her for all the things she's been doing."

"I'll be sure and do that!" I could hear Dixie's voice regain its composure.

"As much as I hate her, I am glad she's the team captain. You don't need to tell her that."

"I think she already knows that." Through the phone, I could feel Dixie's warm smile pulsate to me. It was for a moment, but I felt calm and clear. All my worries were left on the back burner for just a few seconds.

"Yeah, I suppose so. Tell her I still hate her."

Dixie giggled. "I'll be sure and do that. And Johnny?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be waiting for you."

This time, a full smile was responding to hers. "Thanks, Dixie."

"Stay safe on those waters."

"You too."

The final sunrise came and Johnston was within sight. My mind was only on the water and the school ship slowly but surely getting larger as the hours passed me by. Nothing was going through my head throughout that morning except the image of Dixie standing at the docks and waving at me when I finally get back there. The sun was making it's steady ascent in the sky as the frigate continued its journey through the gulf and headed towards Mississippi.

We were able to get to the Mississippi river and thankfully, Johnston hadn't left the ports yet. My excitement was remarkable. All those days moping and waiting and now, felt like a wave that passed by me. Once the frigate had landed, I sprinted for the ports and set my sights to Johnston. Lo and behold, among the crowd of merchants, key grips, and sailors, stood the commander of the Stonewall. The moment our eyes met, we had the same smile to share as we ran into each other's arms. She kissed me on the cheek once again and took me by the hand to the tankery field. We made short work of the walk as we were pretty much running like Velma and Louise as we entered the garage and saw the supply of bazookas and tank rounds.

"I'm guessing you and Delilah've been taking care of the paperwork while I was away."

She smiled and placed her hands on her hips. "That's right, though, you still have a large pile of papers to take care of."

"Figures," I said as she guided me to her tank and we both climbed atop to see all the other tanks and out into the field.

She held my hand tight into both of hers. "I'm glad you're back."

I took my hand away from her fingers and wrapped my arm around her shoulders into a side embrace. "I'm happy to see you again." She turned to me and I gave her a little peck on the cheek. Her face was blushing while I could feel mine run a bit warmer than usual. Although the sun wasn't at it's zenith just yet, we ended up returning to my dormitory. We spent hours hugging each other as we lay in my bed. I could feel her pulse, her breath, and her thoughts as her warmth was met by mine. I only wished that moment remained for eternity. But reality had to cut in when her watch began beeping.

"I have to get going," she said as she got up.

"Don't go," I pleaded as I reached to her.

She only smiled as she leaned down to kiss my forehead before leaving. I continued resting in my bed as I heard the door open and close, Dixie's footsteps that faded away as the seconds on the clock made their presence noticed. A silence filled the room as my malady had resumed. Nothing but contempt for my past flooded my brain as everything else began to weigh in over me. I turned to my nightstand where I left the bottle of wine we got from Brazil. A memory came to me in that moment. I remembered when I was younger, after my father would hit me, he would take a drink from his liquor cabinet and leave me be. I wondered why he had that habit and decided to try it for myself.

I looked over the bottle and got a glass from one of the cabinets. I poured the crimson liquid and let the aroma of alcohol and grapes fill the room as I swirled the drink before letting the contents get into my stomach. The burning was comparable to pouring gasoline down my throat. How could anyone feel relaxed after drinking this. Despite that, I continued drinking. By the second glass, my arms were loosened and my head became muddied. By the third glass, everything became a blur.