Chapter 12: Healing the Heart

The weekend came to an end some time after the match against the Brazilians. The rest of the Rebels became very acquainted with the Confederado as well as the rest of their opponents from Cobras Fumantes. That dinner party was probably the best I ever attended. Had a lot of fun with the other girls and even got to spend more time with Dixie as the stars in the sky shone brightly as we danced and sang. It was rather unfortunate it had to eventually end, but luckily, we didn't have to clean up since we weren't hosting. The rest of the weekend was sadly uneventful. All I could do was stay in bed during the night. I couldn't redirect my brain anywhere without it going back to the image of Dixie smiling to me. Every time I saw that, my heart would beat just a little faster, maybe flutter. At that moment the question came to me... How do I talk to her after tonight? It would be even weirder since I'm supposed to meet with her for since Sunday morning was going to come in only a few hours.

The first time going to her Church was a surprise to say the least. Learned that she's Presbyterian. Neither mom nor dad would approve of me entering that building as well as spending time and having feelings for a girl like that. I couldn't help but kick and turn in my bed as the dark sky faded to light. It was at that point I heard a knock on my door. The sound caused my entire body to bounce off the bed. My head was clocking in overdrive over what to do, must've been half asleep for an hour or two without realizing.

My heels felt needles poke at them as I ran to the door. I was moving so fast that I pretty much rammed my head to the peep hole. On the other side I could see Dixie waiting in her fancy dress, she was fidgeting at her elbows.

"Hold on!" I yelled as I ran to my closet. The scramble for my spectacles involved me falling over and hitting my head on the bedframe. Now with sight in mind, I grabbed the first dress shirt and black pants my fingers could grip and was able to change into them faster than you could sneeze... Although, the shirt was messier than I liked it to be. The rush to the door only caused the lump on my forehead to get even bigger before swinging the door open quickly enough to cause a gust of wind to sweep the room. Warmth came to my face as I took a look at my classmate. She was only wearing a plain black skirt and a grey shirt and yet, I still found myself unable to turn away.

"You could at least put on a tie," she said to me as she entered the room.

"I could, but it's not necessary," I responded as I began tucking in my shirt

Dixie folded her arms. "I'm sure you used to dress better back home."

"That..." I paused as I looked down and placed my hands on my hips. "Was a long time ago."

She gave me a slight smile. "Doesn't mean you can't come back to it."

At that time, I wasn't in the best state of mind. Hearing her say that caused a growing strain of irritation grow within my temperament. It took more effort than I wished to give a blank look, I couldn't allow her smile to disappear from me. I had to turn away as I put a belt on and gave a chuckle in the process. "It will be a while before I find myself back in that part of the road."

"Then consider this another step," the commander of the Stonewall said as she grabbed my by my shirt sleeve and we began walking out of my dormitory and in the field. The bright blue sky was clear, nothing but the wind to give us company as the sun was still rising. "Come on," Dixie commanded as she started pulling with more force. "'Lila's waiting for us!"

The sight of Dixie raising her skirt a little so she could give a slight jog was alien to me. I've only really seen her in her commander's uniform for the most part. Here, she's dressed and behaving like some other girl from home I could've met. I was able to keep up and we kept our chase against the clock until I could see the Church. Johnston's First Presbyterian Church. Just as grandiose as the last time I saw it, marble walls with granite floors and Delilah waiting at the front door.

"Took y'all long enough, come on!" She said as the three of us made our entrance. Delilah and Dixie went ahead and I saw them go down the pews and sit beside the Dixie's parents. Her father turned to me and even though there was a great deal of distance between the two of us, I could feel him glaring at me as I stayed in the back of the Congregation. Everyone else was already seated and waiting for the Service to begin. Just like last time, I had a gut feeling that I should just leave and go back to my room.

The entire Service was nothing special to talk about. The Pastor and I both spoke english well enough to have a conversation together. However, everything he was saying was very much foreign in nature and ended up going over my head throughout the hour and a half. The biggest difference between this and Mass back home was that there was a lot of music back when I went with little Clara and mom and dad. Here, there is a silence that allows every echo of the Preacher's words be heard. Just thinking of that made me miss those Sunday mornings when my family and I would sing the hymns gleefully as Mass went on. The psalms and responses, there was a connection that I ended up severing. My head was lowered in shame when I came to that realization. I could not let the tears escape my eyes nor make a sound thanks to the silence that came from the building. I never knew there would be a time where the absence of background noise would provide such a problem for me.

Due to my constant self reflection, the end of the Service came before I noticed. I guess the other people didn't pay any mind to me since I was on my knees with my head down. It didn't take long before I felt a hand on my left shoulder. I turned to the warmth and saw Dixie give her smile. "Everything okay?" She asked as I got back on my feet.

"Yeah, just had a lot going on in my mind."

Her smile remained as we exited the Church. I was about to say something, don't remember what it was but Dixie's father ended moving between us as he began talking to the two girls. Dixie leaned her head back to see me smile and wave to her before walking back to my dormitory. Even as my footsteps granted me further distance from the group, I could still hear them talk and holler over my shoes colliding with the concrete. It didn't matter what was going on in the world in that moment. I just knew there was something that I needed to do.

Some time passed me by as I entered my room. It was now the afternoon and I had no clue what to do for the rest of the day. I just fell onto my bed and waited as the sun begun its descent. I tossed and turned throughout; not even my stomach could convince me to get back up with it's growling and grumbling. I could handle the pain of an empty stomach, wouldn't be the first time. It was then I realized I didn't bother participating in Lent this year. That was when I made the excuse to myself that I'll be fasting for the rest of the day. By the time the sun was down, I could feel a giant hole in my stomach. The pain was not only familiar, but also cathartic. Much time had passed since the last time I had a full day of fasting and I knew I could suffer through it.

It was that time I looked out the window, not a single star in the sky nor could I see that moon that often made faces at me. I turned back to bed and opened the nightstand. Inside the drawer was a red rosary and a list of prayers next to it. A deep breath escaped my lungs as I seized both of them. I made the Sign of the Cross and began a long overdue conversation with the Lord. It may have been one sided for the most part, but I could feel a weight be lifted from my chest by the time I was done.

The morning after came with me looking at the alarm clock and realizing that I had overslept. Not enough time for breakfast unfortunately so I had to get my uniform on and be out the door as quickly as possible. Ringing could be heard as I set foot in school. Despite all the rush, I was still a good fifteen minutes late for homeroom. I'm sure Delilah would appreciate the effort and still make fun of me. But that didn't bother me this time around, I could sense there was something different about me. All I really needed was a glimpse of Dixie having a joyful time to get me to take a step forward.

The rest of the day wasn't much to write home about. Didn't bother paying attention in class, still needed to work on that. But things came to a head once the final bell rang. All the students took their time leaving the classroom as I grabbed my bag and walked directly out the door and for the first time, Delilah was behind me as this happened. She followed me as we both got to the tankery garage and waited for everyone else to arrive.

"What's gotten you so proactive?" She asked as she sat upon the Lee.

"Just something on my mind," I answered as a blank smile locked itself on my face.

She gave a laugh as we continued counting the seconds until the tankery team would show up.

I was back in the jeep for practice and focused my attention on the Stonewall. Dixie had it maintain offense while the other tanks would maneuver around it. That was pretty much all that happened for practice. The end of the day came and each of the girls gave the rebel yell before we were dismissed. Thanks to it being Monday, I had to deal with extra work that just could not be put aside. Delilah still had to drag me to my office as she gave me the tobacco and pipe for us to relax as we filled out paperwork. The smoke still hurts my lungs, but I could hold my coughs in for a longer period of time. The team captain noticed we were out of tea so she went out and a few minutes later, the captain of the Stonewall came through my door.

"Hello Dixie," said as my face lit up like a tank firing its cannon.

"Hello Johnny..." She stumbled as she got closer, fidgeting at her arms and the back of her head. "I was wondering if you would like some help with all the paperwork you and 'Lilah have every day."

I had to lift my hand to hide how big of grin I was making. "I'd like that."

Dixie came to the desk and began filling out certain papers and asking which ones she should ignore. The time we spent must've been hours and yet I couldn't feel any boredom or dread over it. It was past midnight when were done and it just dawned on the both of us that Delilah wasn't nearby throughout the time Dixie was in the room. We checked the door and saw no one hiding behind it. It was only the two of us and we were in an office together, alone, past curfew. There certainly was tension in the air, didn't need a detective to figure that out. The only problem was that I was beginning to nod off.

While I was struggling to keep my eyelids open, I noticed the captain of the Stonewall come closer to me. I was still seated at my desk so she leaned down and pecked me on the cheek. That was more than enough to get my energy back up as I turned to her. She was pulled by my arms into a tight embrace before I gave her a lingering kiss on her cheek. A few minutes after that, the door swung open and shocked us out of our trance when we were staring into each other's eyes.

There before us stood Delilah with more tea and two hammocks.

"Sorry I took so long," she said as she began setting up one of the hammocks. "I just figured the office need some more accommodations."