Dhalpin's note: Greetings of reader. I mostly write Marvel Comic X-Men Illyana Rasputin fanfic, but in that writing the Lord of the Rings has come up a few times. I figured that I'll drop those sections here for follow LOTR fans, as well as possible hook a few new readers (ah…my evil intent is shown). Anyway I hope you enjoy.

The first is from chapter 13 of Girls Night Out II story where a discussion of LOTR takes place in the DC Batman universe, which was an actual discussion my friend Mark and I had on a long road trip.

Part 13b: Prelim to departures

…

But the group conversation was far from over as Jubilee enthused about an idea she had involving the Lord of the Rings

"Who's the worst actor to play a character in Lord of the Rings Films?" Enthused Jubilee."

Illyana just had a questioning look, not one of misunderstanding but… call it disinterest. Illyana was not a fantasy fan for the most part.

Dani on the other hand loved Tolkien. "Worst? What the heck Jubs? Who would want the worst when they had that guy who played Aragon, that Viggo Mortensen guy… Man, talk about being a Stud… I mean, I'd totally do…" With that Dani went silent and drank some of her wine as she felt she'd been sharing a bit too much.

Jubilee was on roll, and one supposes a role as well. "Worst, not the best. And I'll start. I pick Cher for Galadriel!"

"What!?" Was Dani's outraged outcry as she spit out her drink.

Selina thought for a moment and then "Jerry Seinfeld as Sauron."

Cassandra likewise had a suggestion, and a verbose one as well. "Arnold Schwarzenegger as Merry, dressed as the terminator, guns and all. And Sylvester Stallone, dressed as Rambo, as Pippin, again with the guns."

Dani recoiled. "No… stop… Images so… bad."

Harley was game. "Eddie Murphy as Legolas, wearing a blond wig."

Cassandra and Selina both ohhh'd in awe at the awfulness of the choice. Then Ivy added some garnish and a selection. "And of course he keeps dropping out of character… Hmm… How about Woody Alan as Aragon?

Just gagging sounds from Dani at the horror.

"Shaq O'neal as Samwise?" From Cassandra.

"Snoop Dogg as Elrond?" From Laura.

"Anthony Hopkins as Gollum?" From Harley.

"Nooooooooooooooo!" Wailed Dani, striving to remove the thoughts from her head. "You're destroying my childhood."

"Jack Nicholson as Bilbo?" Stated Lucie. "Always liked Jack, would have loved him as John-Luc Picard in Star Trek, they really missed an opportunity by not casting him in the role; just imagine the character interpretation he would have brought to the screen. Make it god damned so Number one."

"Monty Python cast as the Nazgul!" Giggled Jubilee.

"Stop, please no more." Begged Dani, although her horror was being replaced by laughter.

And then Illyana hit it out of the park. "Howard Stern, in the role he was born to defile, is Gandalf."

And that was that… I mean… How do you top that?

"The transvestite Sister Boom Boom as Frodo." Was Dani's answer, and I guess she rather did top it.

And some where… some when… in a most defiled and perverse locality of reality, due to the ever rising intensity of the chaos field… It was so.

BEGIN REALITY SWITCH

"I can't go on a quest in this." Sniffed Frodo. "Quests need fall colors and I have nothing but a spring ensemble and that will just not do."

"I don't be knowing that Master Frodo." Ah shucked Samwise as he tried to sit in a real hobbit sized chair, only to smash it to bits.

"Adrian!" Screamed Pippin as he unleashed a full belt from his thirty cal machine gun into the pantry; how dare there be no Stilton!

Gollum just had to add a correction. "I do say sire, not only is that the wrong thing for your character, I must offer the observation that adding spikes to a gun does not in any way make it medieval."

"I'll be back." Said the black leather clad Merry as he went off to find some shades so he'd look extra cool.

"This sword is just too heavy." Complained Aragon. "Can't we just re-break it? It was much lighter when it was broken."

"Damn bunch of honky crackers. Don't you be looking at my ass, it get hot if anybody of you look at it too long" Snorted Legolas as he took a puff of his cigarette, only to then remember to put on the blonde wig as he recited. "Green are the leaves I leave in Mirkwood… Shit… doesn't this Mother Fxxxer have any good lines?"

Bilbo of course had a bit of criticism. "Frodo you dumb piece of crap, stop wearing the ring as an earring!"

Elrond spoke after a long toke. "Well… shittttt. Speaking of which, I got little pouch of it right here, have a hit of this… I call it Elvish Wisdom. Don't bother with that Hobbit weed, this is the good stuff."

Sauron, or at least his really big burning eye spoke off screen. "Damn… um… does anybody have any Visine? I think I a got a lash stuck and now everything's red. And why is it called More Door anyway? Are we stealing doors now?"

And that's when the Nazgul burst in and began to do a nobody escapes the Mordor inquisition sketch.

The actual Gimli spoke to the actual Boromir. "See… dwarfs never get respect. Can't even get a sarcastic version of myself."

Boromir's answer was less then pleasing to Gimli's ears. "What… like having Roseanne Barr play your part? At least she'd be more attractive, even if she had a beard."

"Nobody disrespects a dwarf!"Shouted Gimli as he waved his axe about. "I'll have your ears for that! Why… why… let Macaulay Culkin play your part!"

Meanwhile a radio was playing in the background... "And welcome back to the Gandalf radio show... Today I have a special guest for you. It's Galadriel! Let's just cut to the chase babe, time to unwrap those goodies and show us your fun pillows."

On the plus side, electricity was free in that universe because the corpse of Tolkien was connected to a generator, meaning that yes, he was turning over in his grave at light speed.

END REALITY SWITCH

Dani gave a kind of snorting laughter. "Thank God that's not possible."

Dhalpin's note: Yeah I know. The worst actors for LOTR is ather defiling. But it was a long drive, at night, and we were trying to stay alert. Then there was a brief serious Sauron character examination after a fight with Wonder Woman (yeah I know, rather odd but don't ask me where my stories originate from). This was from chapter 11 of What to do about Magik Gotham style.

Part 10b: Aftermath

…

The conversation ended for a moment as the two of them lay there in the shattered rocks and watched the clouds in the sky. After the pause Illyana completely switched topics as she suddenly stated.

"And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!"

It was from Lord of the Rings, a book that Diana was familiar with. Why she could almost picture it…

LORD OF THE RINGS BOOK INTERLUDE

She lifted up her hand and from the ring that she wore there issued a great light that illuminated her alone and left all else dark. She stood before Frodo seeming now tall beyond measurement, and beautiful beyond enduring, terrible and worshipful. Then she let her hand fall, and the light faded, and suddenly she laughed again, and lo! She was shrunken: a slender elf-woman, clad in simple white, whose gentle voice was soft and sad.

END LORD OF THE RINGS BOOK INTERLUDE

"I pass the test." Illyana finished. "I will diminish, and go into the West and remain Illyana."

Things were suddenly serious, a reminder that the partial demolition of the stadium emphasized as Diana replied

"Quoting Tolkien now? Next you'll be saying that Sauron was misunderstood."

"Mairon." Was Illyana's reply.

"Hu?"

"Mairon, that was his name, before he fell to the whispering and guile of Melkor."

"Right… so Mairon was just misunderstood."

A sigh from Illyana as she shifted, which generated another minor groan and a wince as abused parts of her body registered their complaints, one of which was her very flexible tail which felt like it was sprained, or perhaps even broken. "No, he fell, and in his shame he got to fall a second time, which is quite rare."

"A second time?"

Illyana slightly shifted topics. "Kitty loves Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Growing up with her, when we were roomies, there was always books about. Niven was one of her favorites, also Heinlein, and Tolkien. I'm more non fiction in my preferences but Lord of the Rings did catch my interest.

"The book is very good."

"No, not that, it was… why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did the villains do what they did?"

Diana had a ready answer. "Lust for power, conquest, the desire to do harm to others. Basic evil and such."

Illyana was not in agreement on such simple answers. "Yeah, but why? I'm not talking orcs here, or trolls, I'm talking the main players. Why? They knew better, they were better, they were not made to be such, it was not part of their intrinsic nature. And yet… they did what that did."

"They were evil." Was Diana's reply.

"Again… why?" They were not made that way. They were angels not demons, and yet… they fell."

"Why not ask the devil then?" Was Diana's unthinking reply, then a sudden mental start as she remembered just who she was talking to.

A defiantly cold response from Illyana. "I have. They all have different reasons for falling. Most… lie. Blame others for their failings, deficiencies, claim mistakes were made or that they are the victims of conspiracies. The reality is most… chose, almost none claim to have been created to be the way they are, unlike… myself. So… why did what should have been good people decided to deliberately choose to do what was wrong? After I was brought back, after… some really bad things, that question became more then just an abstract philosophical question for me."

Illyana's tone shifted from cold to musing.

"When the Ainur finally overthrew Melkor and exiled him to the unending dark till the time of the ending of the world, and thus the first age ended, many were the workings of Melkor that were thrown down and destroyed. Some servants fled and hid, the last surviving Balrog being one. But one repented. Well, kind of repented, as the power and might of the Ainur, whom he had once been a member of as a Maia, filled his heart with trepidation as he never thought that Melkor could be so overcome, that the Ainur would once again set foot upon Middle Earth. Repented of his deeds but there was also fear in his heart."

Perhaps there was sarcasm was in the heart of Diana but she let it lie as she listened.

"And in his fear of judgment he couldn't bring himself to return to the West and stand before the judgment of the Ainur. Were not all his works fell? And uncountable were his harms. How could there be forgiveness for one such as him? For one who had done all that he had done? So… he hid. He mused, and he came up with a plan."

Diana injected. "To be the second Dark Lord."

An unseen shake of Illyana's head. "No, one of recompense, to do good as he perceived it. To help order the world for the better of all. For was he not Mairon? Had he not been the mightiest Maia of the Vala Aulë? Had he not learned much from Aulë in the ways of smithying and handiwork? Was he not mighty in the lore of" Aulë's people?"

A regretful tone in Illyana's voice. "His greatest virtue, and his flaw, was his love of order and perfection, his dislike of anything wasteful. That was what helped lead to his first downfall as Mairon saw in Melkor the will and power that would help him achieve his own goals and desires faster than if he pursued them alone. However, while Melkor wanted to either control or destroy Middle Earth itself, Mairon desire was to dominate the minds and wills of its creatures for what he perceived to be their own benefit."

"Sounds very much like the ends justify the means." Commented Diana, who also gave a small groan as she shifted due to a particularly sharp rock that was digging into her left thigh.

"The excuses of so many villains." Agreed Illyana. "And so many heroes and politicians as well. The phrase I know what is best for you better than you really does fit the situation."

No response from Diana as Illyana continued.

"After a few centuries, Mairon began to implement his plan, with the best of intentions I suppose. First he ordered the creatures of evil in that he setup a dominion in Mordor, mostly just to gather up the leftovers of Melkor to keep them away from the elves, dwarfs, and humans. But everything else was just so… disorderly, unguided. And the elves just had to go playing with the rules that underwrote all of reality, delving with powers that were beyond them; meaning the early work that was to result in the rings of power."

"The nine for humans, the seven for the dwarfs and the three for the elves." Added Diana.

"Umm…" Illyana's tone was indicated disagreement. "That was the final outcome, but the elves never meant for any of the rings to be worn other then by them, apart from the one ring that was crafted for Durin, King of Khazad-dûm, such was the friendship between Durin and Celebrimbor. No, the earlier rings, sixteen in all, were the foundations of lore that led to the crafting of the final three."

This… sounded more like she was telling a story she had experienced then reciting a book was Diana's thought. "By elves you mean the Elven smiths of Eregion, including Celebrimbor, the greatest of craftsmen and creator of the rings of power." Added Diana, who really was a secret Tolkien fan girl.

A nod of agreement from Illyana. "Yep, the perfect opportunity to set everything right was Mairon's thought. To arrange the world as it should be run. He so enjoyed that time, actual having… friends of a sort. Peers. But he hid his true intentions, and in so doing, over time, contempt once again entered his heart. Ah, such was his rage at the elves when they discovered his true intents once he forged and wore the one ring as they took the rings from their fingers and thus thwarted his plans. And in that rage, with contempt, and his fear, the second fall was complete as he set himself on the path of complete dominion and conquest, when the plan had been but to create good works so as to prove he was worthy of forgiveness and thus escape judgment for all that he had wrought."

A long pause, then… a tired sounding complaint from Diana.

"Is there a point to this story?"

There was a reason Illyana did not… do certain things. Perhaps Mairon to Sauron was one of the reasons Illyana consistently choose to not rule other then Limbo. She gave a slight sigh as she replied. "No… just musing out loud after my host decides to have a knock down fight with me because of her concerns and fears as she tries to force me to attempt to kill her and thus demonstrate my evil plan."

With a groan Diana pushed herself upright, and then with a hand on a boulder, stood and looked down upon Illyana. "Just so you know, this fight… well… I went easy on you."

A flash of light and a partially healed Illyana, now in human form, was standing before a very disheveled Wonder Woman. "Ahh… I also have a secret."

Diana shrugged, which hurt, heck even her earlobes hurt. "Which is?"

"I too am not left handed."

A statement that made no sense to Diana as they had both fought with their right hands. "What?"

An answering shrug from Illyana. "No matter. This place, your island, feels…. off. Very much convinced of a very specific world view as how everybody should live. Like if you just had the right tools then you could make it happen. All for the greater good of course."

Illyana stretched her back with a few popping sounds. "This was more fun then fighting Thor when he was bumbling around Limbo smiting at everything, geeze that took forever to clean up the mess he made." Then a more serious tone. "Falling is easy when you are convinced of your own righteousness and infallibility. And this place, you Amazons, you're so close to the cliff edge. Such statements like 'Man's World' just show how out of touch you are. Just a few nudges away from trying to force everybody to conform to your way of life, or so it appears to me. Why, think of all the things you could achieve if you had but some rings of power."

"We would not be so foolish as to accept." Was Dania's cold reply.

Illyana raised both hands. "Of course, of course… how silly of me. Of course you're too smart to accept items of power from people wandering by. But…"

"But what?"

A smile that was not at all kind. "I can't help but wonder, where did your Lasso come from?"

Dianna opened her mouth to reply, but… then closed it.

Illyana gave a small nod of her head. "Yeah, from the gods right? I'm sure they don't have their own… agenda in giving such… gifts." Illyana dusted off her legs before she started walking away (in search of a hot shower and then breakfast). "But don't listen to me, after all, what I know about falling?"