The trip back to Konoha was silent. The journey to Iwa had been awkward and spaced with intermittent smalltalk. The trip back was somber, like a quilt of sorrow was wrapped around us all. The other Konoha teams that had been eliminated in the first test avoided Misaki and I. I wasn't sure if it was because their jonin sensei were trying to be respectful or keep us from infecting their students with our depressed mood, but I didn't have enough energy to care. There weren't any losses among them, just a cut up arm that would heal after a brief rest, so I directed my energy towards other things.
Our meals were bland. Strangely, that was what stuck out to me the most. On the trip to Iwa, we hadn't needed to hide due to us going to the Land of Stone for official business, so we'd make a fire every night and Kenji had cooked. Everything he'd made had been delicious. Now, everything tasted like ash in my mouth.
Hiroshi took Misaki and I aside one night so we could relay the whole story to him. He'd shut down almost as much as we had, and had only begun to pull himself out of his funk that night. When we reported what happened, he'd been shocked, asking us how we were handling our first kills.
I guess my answer made him think I was callous, because he stopped talking to me at all after that. We made it all the way to Konoha before he'd said another word. I'd told him, 'They were threats to my life and the lives of my friends, so I eliminated the threat they posed.' Apparently I was a psychopath for thinking that way, but that was how it was. I hadn't killed them in cold blood, I'd killed them in combat. I imagined I would have felt remorse if they were just standing on the street trying to sell me flowers and I'd murdered them without warning, but they'd been trying to kill me.
Misaki said she'd felt the same. She didn't want to die, and people were trying to kill her, so she killed them before they could kill her. Hiroshi didn't talk much to her either. Our usually jovial, talkative sensei had retreated into his own thoughts, pushing away the world.
We arrived back in Konoha on Kenji's birthday. We'd expected the first two stages of the Chunin Exam to take longer, so Misaki and I had secretly packed cake, candles and everything you needed to properly celebrate into storage seals. Those seals felt heavy in my pouch. I'd likely never open them.
After our group passed through Konoha's gate, stopping briefly to speak to the guards and verify our identities, Hiroshi muttered an excuse about needing to report something and used the shunshin to travel away at speed.
The other teams who'd accompanied us to the Exams left quickly after that, shuffling away towards their homes.
Misaki shared a look and slowly started walking towards the civilian district. We'd agreed that when we returned, we would deliver the news ourselves rather than wait for some messenger with no relation to the loss saying meaningless condolences. This was going to suck, but it was the right thing to do.
I knocked on the door to the small house in front of me and took a single step back.
Misaki's byakugan was active. I wondered why she was torturing herself like this, watching every painstakingly slow step the house's occupant took to the door, but I didn't say anything. She could turn her byakugan off if she wanted, so why she had it active was her business. She deactivated it the moment the door swung inwards.
"Shinto! Misaki! You're back! With good news I hope?" Chika Aoki, Kenji's mother, cheered, waddling out the door to embrace us. She paused as she looked around. "Where's Kenji? Is that boy trying to scare me again?" She raised an eyebrow at us, fixing us with a look that told us we'd better come clean about any pranks we'd agreed to take part in.
My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't speak. The words wouldn't come.
Misaki took a single step forward, retrieving an item from her pouch. "Chika-san… I'm so sorry." she said, holding out a strip of black cloth with a metal plate sewn into it. We'd cleaned and polished Kenji's forehead protector in preparation for this moment, but looking at it now, I couldn't help seeing Kenji's head attached to the forehead protector. I wanted to throw up.
Chika looked down at the forehead protector, a confused frown on her face. I saw the exact moment it clicked in her head. Hey eyes widened. She stopped breathing. Her mouth hung open numbly. Moisture gathered in her eyes.
"No." she breathed, her hand shaking as she took the forehead protector from Misaki. She crushed it in her fist, holding it tight against her chest, her eyes staring forward at nothing.
"Chika-san, if there is anything–"
"Get out." Chika said, her eyes snapping to Misaki as she spoke before whipping back to me. "Both of you. Leave."
I bowed. "I am so sorry."
"Get out!" she shrieked. Her balance failed her as she leaned against the doorframe. Tears were flowing freely down her face.
Misaki and I turned and walked away, leaving Chika with her grief. If there was something else we could have done, we didn't know what it was.
We wandered aimlessly through Konoha for a while, numbly dodging in and out of people just going about their lives, oblivious to the loss we'd suffered. Hiroshi hadn't told us where he'd meet us or even if he planned to meet us at all. After wandering a while, we walked up onto a roof and sat down, our legs dangling over the side as we stared out at nothing. We didn't talk, just sat in companionable silence as we both processed our grief.
I wasn't marking the time, so I don't know how long it was until we were joined by a third figure.
"The Hokage requests your presence." a tall man in a hawk mask and the grey armor of Konoha's ANBU said, appearing on the roof behind us in a shunshin.
I shared a look with Misaki. We both took a deep breath and stood.
Misaki bowed shallowly. "Please lead the way, ANBU-san."
The ANBU led us over the rooftops towards the Hokage Building. We passed through the administrative areas with ease thanks to the ANBU's presence. The ANBU opened the door to the Hokage's office and stepped aside to allow us entry.
Misaki and I entered the room. There were three other figures present. Hiroshi was standing in front of the Hokage's desk, his back to us. He didn't turn around as we entered. The Hokage himself, adorned in his signature white hat and veil, sat behind his desk, his hands clasped together as they rested on the table in front of him. Standing behind the Hokage, visible over his right shoulder, was an elderly man with wrapped skin – Danzo Shimura.
Misaki and I both knelt on one knee and bowed our heads. "Hokage-sama." We greeted him as one.
The Hokage raised a hand. "Please, stand. Do not stand on ceremony today."
Misaki and I rose. I held my head high, trying not to fold before the Hokage's gaze. This was my first time meeting the man. I'd seen him at my parent's funeral, but I'd never really spoken to the man. His time was too valuable for me. My previous life had led me to believe I would come directly to him to receive missions, but that must be only if he knows who you are because the few D-rank missions I'd received were taken from the front desk downstairs. This was my first time standing in Hiruzen Sarutobi's office, but I couldn't muster the ability to feel excited. Based on recent events, I had a good guess what we were about to discuss, and it would not be a pleasant topic.
"Before anything else, please accept my most heartfelt condolences for the loss of your teammate." The Hokage said, his eyes said. "And to you, Shinto, my condolences for Aika-san as well."
I nearly choked. Logically, I knew she would pass before I made it back, but that didn't make the news sting any less. "Thank you for your kind words, Hokage-sama." I said, bowing my head slightly.
"Thank you, Hokage-sama." Misaki said, copying me.
Danzo motioned to Hiroshi with his hand. "Your sensei tells us you both performed admirably in the face of great opposition and emerged victorious. You are to be commended."
The Hokage shot a scathing look over his shoulder – a look Danzo weathered with no issue.
"Thank you, Shimura-sama." Misaki said, bowing to him. I followed along and repeated her words.
"Your sensei has given his report about what happened, but I would like to hear it from the two of you personally if you are up to retelling it." The Hokage said patiently, a fatherly understanding in his eyes.
"Of course, Hokage-sama." I said, then recounted the events of the battle to him. Misaki spoke up at different intervals to provide her perspective on events and add things I didn't see due to my mortal eyes.
The Hokage and Danzo both listened to our tale with practiced masks of calm. I couldn't determine anything about what they felt about our story from their faces. Their expressions were both schooled.
"You both did extraordinarily well." The Hokage said after we'd finished. "To face so many enemies and defeat them is an accomplishment to be proud of. I wish I could grant you both time to mourn your lost friend, but you must prepare for the final stage of the Chunin Exams."
"As the only ninja of Konoha to advance to the finals, the pride of our village rests with you." Danzo added. I wasn't sure if he thought he was helping or just delighted in being a dick. My friend was dead. The woman who'd practically raised me was dead. I didn't really care about the village's pride right now.
Still, I didn't say that, because I'm not an idiot.
"I will not fail you, Hokage-sama, Shimura-sama." I said.
"Hokage-sama, what will we do between now and the tournament? Will we train with Hayashi-sensei?" Misaki asked.
From where he stood next to us, Hiroshi swallowed.
The Hokage looked at him for a moment before turning back to us. "We have discussed this very matter with your sensei. He believes it would serve you both better if you spent the month leading up to the finals training with your respective clans and honing their techniques. There is little he can do to help you with them, and he feels he has already imparted all he can to prepare you."
I fought the urge to turn and look up at Hiroshi. I didn't know if the decision to hang us out to dry was his, The Hokage's or Danzo's, but if he was willingly going along with it, then it didn't matter. He'd shut down after we'd come back with Kenji's body. Maybe he blamed us for getting his student killed?
It didn't matter, if he wasn't going to teach me, I would find someone who would.
"I will defer to your greater wisdom, Hokage-sama." I said.
The Hokage looked like he wanted to say something else, but held his tongue. "I am sure you are both tired after your trials and your long journey home. Please, return to your homes and rest for the remainder of the day. You will be able to begin preparing for the finals tomorrow."
"Hokage-sama, Shimura-sama." I said, bowing to each in turn. There was no point pissing off Danzo by snubbing him. Misaki copied my words and actions and followed me out of the Hokage's office.
We walked in silence to the gate of the Hyuga compound.
"Come find me if you want to talk. I'll tell the Nara guards to let you in." I told her.
She smiled sadly. "Thank you, Shinto. I appreciate it." She hesitated for a short moment, then closed the distance between us and hugged me.
I squeezed her against me, as we both worked through our shared pain.
She stepped back and said her goodbyes before walking through the Hyuga gate.
I went directly to the Nara Compound after she left, using the shunshin to speed up my travel.
I felt pity in the eyes of the Guards at the gate as I walked inside. The usually lazing duo were fully alert. They looked like they wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it, so I kept walking.
When I got home, there was someone there waiting for me.
"Did the ANBU tell you I was coming back?" I asked Shikaku as I joined him on the porch.
He didn't stand, still staring out over the road. "It was the deer actually. They could smell your sorrow."
I frowned, sitting down on the porch next to him. "Could they really? I didn't know they could do that."
"There's a lot about them that most don't know, even other Nara." He sighed. "I'm sorry about Kenji."
"Thank you. I'm sorry about Aika."
Shikaku frowned. "The Hokage told you, then? He should have let me do it."
"It's a moot point now."
"I suppose it is."
Silence fell as we looked up to watch the clouds.
"What do you want to do, Shinto?" Shikaku finally asked.
I turned to him, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
He met my gaze, expression serious. "Do you still want to be a shinobi? What happened to Kenji… I was read in on the report Hayashi sent back before you arrived. What happened to him was horrible, but it won't get better. Death is a part of a shinobi's life, Shinto. No one would blame you if you switched careers. If you want to become a musician instead, I'll make it happen. You won't have to worry about any backlash from the Hokage or anyone. If this isn't the life you want, then don't force yourself to live it."
I was silent for a long time after he finished speaking.
Strange as it was to realize, Shikaku had been around me more than my own father had. He'd trained me regularly while I was in the Academy, and then again after, despite his duties to the Clan, to the village, and to his own family. He'd been good to me, and he genuinely cared about me. This was a genuine offer. If I wanted out, he'd make it happen.
But did I want out? I knew the answer before I even asked myself the question.
It wasn't that I would enjoy the life of a shinobi, it was that I needed to be strong to survive this world. I was a background character, and that meant I'd be swept aside by whatever the week's antagonist was.
And I couldn't let Misaki continue on alone. I was all she had.
"Thank you, Shikaku-sama. Your offer means a lot to me, but this is the life I chose. It's the life I want. I'm not naive enough to think I'll be able to prevent anyone else from dying, but I'll keep getting stronger so I lose as few of them as I can. I'll train for them. And if I find a life I want to live later, I'll leave the shinobi life behind. I promised Aika-san as much." After I was strong enough to live without fear, I'd do whatever I wanted. But that was for after. For now, I needed to train.
Shikaku nodded. "Okay. I'll be by tomorrow, and we'll start training for the finals. Get some rest tonight." He stood up and stuck his hands in his pockets, starting to walk away.
"Shikaku-sama?" I called after him.
He paused and turned around, raising an eyebrow at me.
"I… I couldn't communicate with Kenji without revealing myself. If I'd been able to tell him to wait… maybe–"
"Worrying about what if's will drive you mad, Shinto."
I shook my head. "No, that's not it. I… I have an idea for a new jutsu, one that could have helped me talk to Shinto. Can we work on it while we train for the finals? I think… I think it could save other people from dying like Kenji did."
Shikaku watched me closely, his intelligent eyes inspecting me. After a moment, he nodded slowly. "Write up a preliminary summary and I'll look it over when I come over tomorrow. If this new jutsu is everything you say it is, we'll work on it, but our main focus will be getting you ready for the finals."
I smiled. "Thank you, Shikaku-sama…for everything."
He smirked at me. "You're welcome, troublesome." He turned around and walked away, heading home to his wife and son.
I took a deep breath and walked into my house. I almost called out to Aika out of habit before I caught myself. I made myself a sandwich and took it up to my room. Sitting at my desk, I spent the next hour or so outlining what I intended my new genjutsu to be and how I planned on making it work. I'd already made False Barrage, and while that wasn't the greatest technique, its creation had taught me a lot. I was sure I could get this new one to work.
When my eyelids started to feel heavy, I washed up and turned in for the night.
I dreamed of a headless horseman riding through Konoha, searching for that which he'd lost.
X
Misaki Hyuga was distraught as she walked home. It seemed like everyone in the compound already knew what happened. She could see them all. No matter whether they were outside with her or sitting in their homes eating dinner, each of them watched her walk with pity in their eyes.
Misaki hated it. Was it supposed to be comforting that they all knew Kenji was dead? She knew Kenji was dead. She'd seen the moment her teammate was killed. The fact that others knew as well did not ease her pain. If anything, their prying eyes only made it worse. It was getting difficult for her to maintain a proud demeanor. The more her clanmates watched her, the more her facade cracked.
"Misaki."
Misaki's back went straight as she turned around and bowed. "Hiashi-sama."
The Hyuga Clan Head stared down at her, impassive as always. Strangely, Misaki found the lack of pity in his features comforting.
"Walk with me." he said, turning and walking away from the residential district.
Misaki didn't dare go against the wishes of her Clan Head. She fell into step beside him as he led her away from the homes of her clanmates, into a courtyard filled with cherry-blossom trees.
"My condolences for the loss of your teammate. His loss is felt by all of Konoha." Hiashi said.
"Thank you, Hiashi-sama."
Hiashi stopped in front of one of the flowering pink trees and looked up at it. "Are you well, Misaki?"
"I am, Hiashi-sama. Thank you for your concern."
Hiashi turned to her. "It is no failing to require time to grieve. You have lost your friend. I know what is it like to lose comrades in battle. The pain can feel overwhelming. The questions of what could have been can be all-encompassing. If there were a sure method to recovery, I would share it with you. Unfortunately, such a panacea does not exist. Each of us must grieve in our own way."
Misaki blinked away the stinging in her eyes and looked at the ground. "Hiashi-sama…I want to get stronger. If I'd been stronger…"
Hiashi knelt in front of Misaki and laid a hand on her shoulder. "Kenji's death was not your fault, Misaki. The three of you did your best in a situation that was more than you could have prepared for. Do not torment yourself with what could have been. To do so would dishonor Kenji's memory. Celebrate the life you lived with him and honor the sacrifice he made for you by safeguarding the village he loved and fought for."
Tears were leaking out of the corner of Misaki's eyes despite her efforts to hold them back. "Hiashi-sama…Please help me get stronger. I…I want to keep going forward for Kenji."
Hiashi squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. "I will instruct you leading up to the Chunin Exam Finals. I will also ensure you receive a teacher capable of instructing you in Lightning Release. I already have an individual in mind. Thank you for speaking with me, Misaki. I am sure you wish to get home, so I will not keep you any longer."
Misaki bowed. "Thank you, Hiashi-sama." She turned and hurried away as fast as she could while still being dignified.
Misaki deactivated her byakugan as she walked away, no longer watching her clanmates as they watched her. Let them. Her seeing them wouldn't change the fact that she was seen, and all it had accomplished was making her feel worse.
When Misaki announced her arrival home, her mother and father were waiting for her in the entryway. Misaki tried to speak, but no words came.
Her mother knelt down and held her arms out, and Misaki threw herself into her mother's embrace, no longer holding back her sobs. Her mother and father held her tight, letting her work through her emotions.
X
Hiroshi Hayashi had failed. He had been trusted with the lives of three of Konoha's children. He had been charged with their safety. He had been responsible for their future.
He failed.
Kenji was dead, and Shinto and Misaki would carry the marks left by the loss of their teammate for the rest of their days.
Hiroshi thought he could start a new life. He thought he could make his village a better place in a way that didn't tear away at his soul.
He was wrong.
He'd tried to be a teacher, and he had failed. He had allowed one of Konoha's children to die on his watch. He was a failure. Remaining a jonin sensei would only put more of Konoha's youth at risk. It was better that Hiroshi return to the only thing he had ever been good at. This way, no one else would die on his watch.
The Hokage watched Hiroshi with a stern expression. "Hiroshi, are you absolutely certain of this?"
Leopard donned his mask, stepping back into a life where he would be useful to the village, resolved to never again fail as he failed his students. "Command me, Hokage-sama."