Chapter 11 - Teddy Lupin

"Hey Teddy Bear," Lizzie whispered, half asleep at home, in bed, next to Charlie. Teddy was four and had a habit of sleepwalking Lizzie sympathized with. He was standing absently next to the bed when she nudged him awake and scooped him up to cuddle with her. "You're alright, baby, what's wrong?"

"I heard daddy," he said softly. Lizzie knew he meant Remus, judging by the moon outside he was in a less than human form roaming in the surrounding woods or held up in the shed.

"What did he say?" She asked.

"He's lonely," Teddy whispered. Lizzie's heart hurt.

"He's not lonely, baby. He'll be back soon."

"Can you tell the story?" He asked. Lizzie squeezed him.

"The little boy with bright blue hair?" She asked. He nodded. She sighed through some brain fog in a half-asleep daze.

"The world took a moment to dance the night the little boy with bright blue hair was born. He lit up an extra star in the sky as his father howled with joy. His mother held onto his tiny little hands as her skin glowed with happiness..."

"How long did you glow Li-Li?" He asked. She paused sadly.

"Teddy bear, you know I'm not your mommy," she whispered.

"But you were there," he whispered back.

"I danced the day the day you were born. I had never held a baby before. My heart grew three sizes that night. Once for your daddy, once for your mommy, and once for you."

"What was mommy like?" He asked.

"Powerful, vibrant, funny, and incredible," Lizzie said as her eyes welled.

"If that's what a mommy is like, then you are my mommy too," he said and squeezed her arm. "You didn't leave me." Lizzie felt a pang of regret because she had. She missed the whole first year of his life.

"Baby, your mommy never left you, she's here," Lizzie said placing a hand to his heart.

"You died too, you came back for me, why not mommy?" He asked.

"She didn't have that choice. If she did, she would have," Lizzie bit back the pain building in her chest.

"You came back. You brought Annie," he added. Lizzie kissed the side of his head and hummed softly. "We lived happily ever after," he whispered.

"ANNIE!" Teddy hissed at his god sister who was spying at the door to her parents' bedroom. Lizzie was crying and making a dreadfully painful noise on the other side. From what Annie could see she was wearing a cotton dress hiked up over her hips, she was straddling her father's lap and Poppy Pomphrey was placing a warm rag on the small of her back.

"You need to breathe more deeply, honey," Poppy said but a contraction built, and she dug her nails into his shoulders as he rubbed her back.

"I'm getting scared," she panted. "It's been too many hours, something is wrong," she breathed.

"Shhh, everything is alright. This takes time. With Annie you ruptured, that's not going to happen... this is supposed to take time," Poppy explained. Charlie kissed her face and neck and held her supportively.

"You can't spy! Come on!" Teddy scolded and tried to pull Annie away from the door. Annie broke away from him and stomped down the hallway. She turned around and smiled facetiously at him.

"Halloween, Teddy, I dare you to go out to the shed," she said a little wickedly. She was five and he was six. His skin iced over, and he shoved her.

"That's not funny! You know what happened," he barked.

"Fine! I'll go!" She announced and stomped down the stairs and out the door.

"Annie! Stop!" He yelled and ran after her. She disappeared into the trees, and he got anxious and nauseated as the full moon loomed overhead.

He looked back at the house and heard Lizzie let out a feral yell of pain. There was nobody to help him and his heart hammered at the thought of her coming into contact with his father on a night like this. "Annie!" He whispered harshly as he dove into the trees and down the trail. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard snapping twigs from a few meters away. Bright yellow eyes glowed in the distance and looked directly at him without blinking.

He froze and swallowed back a large ball of fear. Something slid in the distance and then little feet bolted toward the house. Teddy ran the same direction and shoved Annie inside as he latched the door. "Are you stupid?!" She stuck her tongue out at him and headed back upstairs. "What's wrong with you!" He yelled. "You're so stupid!"

Teddy was angry beyond measure and didn't see that Annie was crying. She sunk down again by the door to her parents' bedroom and watched her mother cry into her father's shoulder begging him to make it stop. "A girl will replace you," Teddy said coldly, not yet coming down from how angry he was.

"No, a boy will replace YOU!" She snapped back and he could see how red and swollen her eyes were from crying. It felt like she grabbed his stomach in her small hand and squeezed. He sat down next to her with his back to the closed door.

The door across the hall opened and his father, Remus, emerged. He'd been resting and looked ill. Teddy got to his feet confused, and looked back at Annie who was also wide-eyed. "You two need to relax," Remus said. "Go to bed, how's Lizzie?" He asked and rapped on the door. The door opened and Poppy gasped.

"Heavens, Remus, you may have overdosed on wolfsbane," she said and rushed him a cold rag for his fever. This brew and amount of Wolfsbane kept him from turning on a full moon, but at tremendous cost.

"Is she alright?" Remus asked, concerned. He saw Charlie's back and Lizzie's head dug into his shoulder, but not much of her. His hands started to shake, and Poppy sat him down. Lizzie screamed loud and Poppy knelt down to examine her.

"Oh, honey, you cut Annie out. Your pelvis might be too small for this," she said. "I can widen, sweetheart, but it hurts," Lizzie nodded feverishly as Charlie held a cold rag to her face. She gripped his shoulders so hard her nails bore holes into his shoulder caps that later scarred. The scream was painful, and Charlie rubbed his hand methodically over her hips and lower back to cut the pain.

"There, we're almost there," Poppy said happily. Charlie grabbed Lizzie's face in both of his hands and kissed her passionately. It melted away some of the sharp pain as Poppy pulled her baby free from Lizzie's body. Crying ensued and Charlie carried Lizzie to the bed. Lizzie could barely move as they handed her their son. Her heart skipped twice, and Charlie's eyes welled with relief. "James," Lizzie whispered. She closed her eyes and the memory she had of dancing in the cottage living room with her father just minutes before he died flooded her mind. The light that sent him crashing to the floor startled her and Charlie reached for his son as Lizzie seemed to fade from reality. She sat partially upright in the bed looking blank and dissociated. Poppy brought over supplies to mend her and a healing potion.

"Lizzie, honey, drink," Poppy insisted. She massaged her stomach and started tending to her body. "I always thought you much too small to bear children. Never cease to amaze."

She paused and looked sadly at Lizzie. "Sweetheart, are you alright?" She asked.

Remus stood up and headed over to the bedside. Her knelt down to look at her and could tell immediately where she was in her mind. Her eyes were fixed on seemingly nothing. Lost in a memory from two decades prior, to the day. Her hand was on her heart. All Lizzie could see was her mothers lifeless face staring back at her. Remus kissed her hand. Poppy unbuttoned the front of her dress to get the baby boy to latch. Not even that broke Lizzie from the past for several minutes.

Charlie sat down in the bed next to her and pulled her close as his son wrapped tiny fingers around his finger. "Did I ever tell you how strong you are?" He asked quietly. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"None of that made me strong, it made me angry. I'm tired of being angry. I'm exhausted."

He kissed her head. "It's a boy," Annie whispered. Teddy fell silent. The door opened and Poppy looked down at the children reprovingly.

"They can come in," Lizzie said weakly. Teddy approached cautiously. "Teddy bear, do you want to hold him?" Lizzie aske. Charlie patted the bed for him to sit down and took James from Lizzie's arms to hand him to the little boy.

"Big brother..." Charlie said encouragingly.

"God brother..." Teddy whispered. Charlie leaned over and put his forehead on Teddy's.

"Big brother," he said and rubbed his hair lovingly. Teddy smiled. Annie got into bed next her mom and snuggled into her shoulder.

"Are you ok, mummy?" She asked. Lizzie kissed her temple but didn't say anything at first.

"I just need some rest, sweetheart," she whispered. "I love you both, you should go to bed. I'll be alright," she added, wiping tears from her cheeks.

The children left and Lizzie's heart contracted rather violently. She gasped for a breath and started to shake uncontrollably. "Are you alright?" Charlie asked urgently.

"Take him, take him, take him, take him," she repeated in a quick panicked procession. Her teeth chattered and panic from a deep corner of her soul reared an ugly head. Charlie handed the baby to Poppy and tried to help her breathe. She slapped away his hands and recoiled. "Don't touch me, don't fucking touch me," she hissed. Charlie recognized those words and froze in some fear and apprehension. Remus brought her something to ease anxiety, but she still struggled. It was a torment that ran through her veins and penetrated deep into every bone. It was exactly the feeling of being in Riddle's grip, under his influence, only her scar didn't hurt.

"Should I call Hermione?" Remus asked. Lizzie shook her head as the world around her faded. She was in a flat in London. Younger, much younger. The baby wiggling in her lap cooed and she looked over at Cedric setting a cup of coffee down on the bedside table. He scooped the baby up and snuggled him close to his chest before kissing her head and handing the baby back before leaving for what must have work at the ministry. There was a ring on her finger. No burns or scars were on her arms. She made her way to the loo to see no scars on her face aside from the lightning bolt. Her body relaxed. He came home to a meal on the table later into the evening, and she watched him longingly as he went about his evening routine.

"I got him down," He whispered as he undid his button-down shirt and trousers and crawled into bed as she put a book down that she was reading. He kissed her neck and guided her onto her back as he ran a hand up her night dress. "We should make another one," he whispered in her ear and pushed her legs open around him. The air went cold, and she felt him pin her arm down before a searing pain cut through her forearm.

"I told you I would put you to good use," the voice was ice. She squirmed under the weight of a different man. One who looked like Riddle. "When you've pleased me, I'll keep what you perceive as reality bearable. You can fight me and suffer, or surrender... only I can give you back what you lost."

She squirmed again with what little slack she had to do so under his weight. The penetration took her breath away completely and he pulled her chin to his face, locking his mouth on hers until she felt the sensation of a serpent creep up the back of her throat. Tears ran slowly down her cheeks as the blood ran down her arm. He let go of her face and held her neck as he thrust more deliberately. She stared at the fresh cut as a serpent slid over her arm and down into the sheets of the bed.

"I'm not done with you," he hissed in her ear and Lizzie's eyes shot open. Her newborn son was feeding still. She thought it possible that she'd been living all this time in a complete fantasy, a manipulated reality. The idea that she was being held captive by Riddle had haunted her for years since the end of the war.

Hours later, after everyone, including the baby, were asleep, she got up for the first time since giving birth and walked excruciatingly slow to the loo. Lizzie found it hard to understand why women enjoyed having children. This pain was other worldly, she wasn't sure if it was because of the location of the pain, but somehow, it was worse than anything she had experienced. Poppy worked her magic earlier, she took another healing potion, but the sudden mental exhaustion hit her like a train. Another baby, more sleepless nights, more worry, another soul she needed to mend herself or at least try to mask herself for.

It was time she thought to finally marry Charlie, the occasional dream about Cedric would remind her why Cedric sent her back. To do this. To have a family, to be something and someone other than a martyr. To be a mother. He knew. Of course, he knew. Her heart still hurt. It didn't feel like less of a betrayal just because he gave her his blessing. It had been nearly nine years since his death, and she didn't think her bones had ever actually recovered from the shock of experiencing it. She moved slowly down the stairs and saw Teddy sleeping on the sofa. In his hand was a crayon, and on the table sat a drawing. She made out herself, Charlie, Annie, and the baby congregated at the center. She made out Teddy noticeably further away and full moon to explain why his father wasn't in the drawing. Lizzie sat down and scooped him into her lap, but he didn't stir from his slumber.

"Teddy bear, nobody replaced you," she whispered, and he squeezed her hand. His skin felt hot like he was getting sick, his heart raced hard enough for her to tell, and she put a hand on his chest to calm it. Had she thought to pull up his shirt, she would have seen what could have spared him years of unnecessary pain. He hit his independent stage, didn't want anyone to help him with anything. If they had, they would have seen the deeper wounds he carried.

Teddy sat down in his first Potions course and looked around curiously at the walls lined with supplies. Professor Slughorn was staring a little blankly as the students filed in. Teddy couldn't tell if he was asleep. "Theodore Lupin," a boy's voice said adjacent to him and a Slytherin boy sat down. There was mockery in the underbelly of his tone. He smirked and gave Teddy an all-knowing sort of look.

"Do I know you?" Teddy asked. The boy shook his head.

"Cyrus Pucey... I know you," he said. Teddy frowned. The boy laughed condescendingly. "The werewolf cub with muggle blood. The Black's sure would like to see you pruned from that line," he said. Teddy couldn't mask his anger.

"The Black's are dead, that line ended..." he snapped back.

"Mhm," Cyrus said and smirked. Teddy ignored him and pulled out his books. Ian sat down next to Teddy and shot Cyrus a look of pure disdain.

A year later to the day, Cyrus sat next to Teddy at his Potions station and leaned in much too close. "Shock about your sister, Lupin, but she is rather adorable."

"Stay the bloody hell away from Annie, you detestable creep," Teddy hissed back. For a year this boy seemed to know how to torment him to the core. Subtly, never enough to report, never enough to call attention to.

"Careful, Lupin. Don't flatter her too much, I haven't even gotten to know her yet," Cyrus taunted.

"You won't be getting to know her," Teddy growled. Cyrus mouthed 'watch me' and strode off toward an adjacent potions station. Something about him never failed to make Teddy's skin crawl. There was a subtle likeness between them he couldn't place, but it only made him hate him more.

Slughorn stopped Cyrus after class and gave him and nod and tap for the Slytherin Quidditch team. Teddy, having all as good of a spot as chaser this year clenched his teeth. There were still tryouts to be done, which made the slim possibility he wouldn't get on the team all the more humiliating to think about.

Teddy headed to Transfigurations the following Monday. Lizzie was sitting at the desk with her head buried in her arms. He looked around to see nobody was in the classroom yet and crouched down next to her desk. He tapped her arm cautiously and hovered back. Lizzie startled easily. She lifted her head and blinked to clear her vision before putting her glasses on.

"You alright?" He asked. She looked dreadful but he didn't want to tell her that. She gave him a weak smile.

"No," she laughed, even more weakly. "I'm just not sleeping. Stress of... well... I'm not going to burden you with any of it Teddy bear..." she added quietly.

"What's wrong with your hands?" He asked, pointing to scratches on the tops of them.

"Stress," she whispered, covering them with her sleeves. "Worry wart, go sit down. I'm alright," she added lightheartedly, and he kissed her head before anyone was there to see before doing so.

Lizzie was Teddy's favorite person, he supposed anyone who would fill a maternal void like she did would be by default. The way she treated him was different from Annie and Jamie. Annie was quietly scared of her mother and Teddy noticed for years how Annie also somehow took some subtle satisfaction out of prodding her mother. Testing her limits of patience and not being aware or not caring enough to tread carefully around known triggers. Lizzie was quietly scared of her daughter. The mystery was the million-galleon question. They could lie in bed chatting like best friends one morning, but it wasn't uncommon to see Lizzie noticeably tense up when her daughter came into the room. Sometimes the air shifted. Charlie explained to him once that Lizzie had multiple personalities, dissociative identity is what he called it and severe post-traumatic stress from childhood and the war. Teddy, being the person who knew Annie best in the world, thought the description Charlie gave fit Annie like a glove, though the trauma to the degree Lizzie had experienced couldn't apply to Annie. If the wrong sides of each of them clashed or intersected, it was oil and water.

Teddy thought maybe Lizzie was still jarred by the sorting ceremony, by Ivy perhaps. But there was something faraway in her eyes and the lesson for the day involved as little lecture on her part as possible. Sentences we're fading out; trains of thought were easily derailed. It reminded him of someone trying to keep their head above water, except nobody else in the room could tell she was drowning. Lizzie stopped halfway through scribbling something on the chalkboard and the chalk hit the stone floor a few seconds before she did.

"Liz!?" Teddy yelled and was first to her aid. Her hands were freezing. "You awake? Squeeze my hand if you are," he said urgently. She barely gripped his hand it was so weak. "Can someone go get Pomphrey and my dad?!" He yelled. Hurried steps left the classroom. "Hey, you're alright, sit up," he said reassuringly but she couldn't keep her weight on her arms. Remus was following a running Pomphrey into the classroom and squeezed his son's shoulder before picking Lizzie up.

She woke up in the hospital wing and looked over to see Teddy sitting in the bed closest to her reading a book. He was blurry, she put on glasses and sat up to a searing pain behind one of her eyes.

Poppy emerged from around the curtain and started checking for vitals. "I swear you're held together with dental floss, darling," Poppy hissed in the most endearing way possible. Lizzie tried to give a weak smile but couldn't. Poppy gave her a very deliberate look that startled Lizzie. It was all knowing, but something Lizzie didn't know and wouldn't want said out loud. Fortunately, Poppy knew how to deliver such a message to a legilimens.

Lizzie shook her head and Poppy gave her a reproachful look. "How do you know already?" Lizzie breathed. Poppy rolled her eyes. "Don't tell Charlie," she mouthed and Poppy frowned.

Lizzie started scratching her hands again and Poppy slapped her hand. "I have something to put on that, stop it. You were out for hours..."

Teddy came over to check in. "Go back to your day, Mr. Lupin... she's fine, you can stop worrying..." Poppy said impatiently.

Lizzie squeezed Teddy's hand. "But what happened?" He asked.

"Oh, she's not sleeping any. Her heart rate is high, blood pressure is high, panic response at high alert, stay like that for too long, Teddy, your brain turns off completely. Lizzie, take this for anxiety, it's a low dosage. I can't give you anything stronger bec-" but she stopped as Charlie walked in. He leaned in and kissed her on the mouth while stroking her head. She caught her breath in her chest as her heart rate picked up and she shot Poppy warning eyes. "Teddy, she's alright. Please don't waste any more time here," Poppy said. Lizzie smiled at him weakly and told him to scram. Poppy eyeballed Lizzie and Charlie nervously but left before it was suspicious to him.

"You're not sleeping... I can make you..." Lizzie cut him off.

"I'm fine," she said sharply.

"It's the memory, isn't it?" He asked. Lizzie's eyes welled.

"Poppy, can I help her back to her room?" He asked. She nodded and he helped her down the corridor and stairwell to her chambers. Lizzie peeled off her clothes to bathe. Charlie ran the bath for her, and she watched him peel off his clothes before getting in and gesturing for her to join. She hesitated but obliged and sat down between his legs as he wrapped arms around her body. She leaned her head back into his chest and he rubbed warm water into her head.

Charlie broke her fear of bathtubs years ago by doing this. It helped her sleep; she'd fall asleep in his arms, and he'd carry her to the bed. It was the most relaxed she'd ever been able to feel in her life. She called it warlock bath voodoo.

This time she felt astonishingly sad. He kissed her neck and side of her face. She felt like her skin was melting into him. His arms were still wrapped around her when woke up in bed later into the evening. She slipped out from under him and pulled a robe over her shoulders quietly.

She tiptoed out and up the stairs to the hospital wing and Poppy's office. "I don't want to do this," she whispered when Poppy opened the door. She gave Lizzie a reproving look and sighed as she let her in.

"Honey..." Poppy started to lecture.

"No! I can't!" Lizzie yelled and started sobbing uncontrollably. "Poppy, I c-can't," she sunk into a chair. Poppy clenched her jaw and started nodding.

"I don't approve. You're a wonderful mother, sweetheart..." she said as she pulled ingredients from a cupboard.

"I don't know who my children are, I- I don't know what he did t-to m-me. I don't even know if any of it is real..." she cried.

"What are you talking about? Charlie?" Poppy asked, confused.

"Riddle, I don't know what he did to me... I conceived Annie after Charlie r-raped me," she hated the word and could barely get it out. Poppy looked enraged and horrified.

"He... IS A DEAD MAN!" She whispered harshly.

"He was possessed, by a horcrux. The horcrux Riddle used to try to impregnate Bellatrix. The horcrux he made trying the same with her aunt, Estrella, when she was just a bloody child... Charlie wasn't the one doing it."

Poppy's eyes were wide.

"Annie was born on Riddle's birthday. She was early for that reason; she wasn't due until March. There was something so sinister about that night. Like he waited until I was alone with nobody to help, like he knew what I would resort to doing..." Lizzie curled up with her knees to her chest and pressed her forehead into them.

"Honey, he's dead. He's gone. Body this time and everything..." Poppy said compassionately.

"He wasn't planning on killing me, he was going to make me watch him kill everyone I loved in place of the horcruxes I'd destroyed. I threw myself in front of Charlie, to protect them, but he was going to - keep - me... when I was in his captivity, he could change my entire reality. My obedience would earn less torment...he knew, he knew I was pregnant. I don't know how that's possible, it had only been a week."

"There's a way to tell. Healers learn a way to tell. If he had been trying to impregnate others..." she shuddered. "He would have learned how to tell."

It dawned on Lizzie suddenly that her husband, a trained healer, would also be able to tell if he hadn't already. Perhaps he already knew.

"Sometimes I think all of this isn't real, I didn't win, and I've been having his children all these years and not my husband's..."

"Charlie would do anything for you, he loves you like nothing I've ever witnessed in a couple except perhaps Arthur and Molly, but then there's no surprise where he learned how to be that devoted."

"He lied to me. He tampered my memory. I have been completely unable to sleep, I have barely been able to look at or let him touch me. He's been keeping secrets. He's been holding onto something for me, to spare me, to punish himself for what happened... I don't know what all of his motives are."

"When did you find out about this?" Poppy asked.

"Only about a week ago," Lizzie breathed shakily.

Poppy poured a potion into a cup for Lizzie. "Are you sure you want to do this? Honey it's not pleasant..."

Lizzie swallowed a breath filled with apprehension. "Would he have been able to tell? If he was laying with me earlier, would he have been able to tell?" Lizzie asked. Something had suddenly dawned on her.

Poppy frowned. "He's intuitive and he would likely know, you haven't spoken to him?"

"He was sleeping when I came down here."

"I can't say for sure, Lizzie..." Poppy admitted. Lizzie shook her head and wiped pooling eyes with the back of her sleeve.

"I'm so bloody stupid," she whispered. There was a long, pregnant pause. "He made an unbreakable vow on our wedding day to protect our children. If he does know... I don't know what that means. I didn't specify whether he wasn't to protect them from...me... I wanted him to."

"This is a gamble," Poppy whispered. "I don't think I can be complicit in it if that were to be the outcome." Lizzie shook her head and cried harder.

"No, I can't risk his life, either," Lizzie said finally, succumbing to the reality of another child she didn't particularly want to have.

When she left the back office of the hospital wing, Poppy frowned at the side table of one of the beds. "I was going to give you Teddy's book to bring him. It was on the table..." she said, looking around. "He left it here earlier. It's gone."

Lizzie looked around and saw the flash of shadow in the hallway. Her heart skipped. Her children took after her, insatiable curiosity and little regard for privacy. He knew, her instinct told her he knew.