Chapter 6
"So, how do you like the library?"
I could have blessed Daryl for his ability to pick up on my need to change the subject. He may know vague details about my past, but I'm not going to use him as my personal therapist. I wasn't great at controlling my emotions earlier, but I have a handle on them now.
"It's actually kind of boring. I thought I would like it better because I love to read, but it gets too quiet sometimes."
"Well, I mean no offense, but it's a library. Did you expect it to be a concert hall?" He chuckles softly under his breath. My brain knows he is teasing me, but my damn blush doesn't. When I look up I catch him staring at me. He has done this a few times today, and I can't figure out why he looks so transfixed. My face gets redder the longer he stares, and I'm the one who breaks eye contact first.
"Yea. I like the quiet for the most part, but sometimes if it's too quiet I can get stuck in my own head."
"I hear that. That's one reason I hang out with Bonnie so much; with her around it's never quiet."
"Ha, I can tell. You know I think she may get that from Merle." I added this last part and then kind of regret it. I don't want Daryl to think that I'm talking bad about his brother. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about your brother. Merle has been nothing but nice to me and Sophia."
"You don't have to apologize. I know he's loud and, hell, I reckon Merle knows that too."
"Merle knows what?" The question comes from the man himself. I averted my eyes because I really didn't mean anything by the comment. I place my hand on Daryl's arm again and squeeze lightly. This seemed to work last time to tell him to let it go. Merle's gaze zeros in on my hand and I snatch it away quickly.
"I was just telling Carol here that I damn well think you know your ass is loud."
"Of course I'm loud. How else would I let everyone know ole Merle is around?"
I look at the man in question and see that he doesn't seem put out by the comment. I guess he really takes pride in his personality. I throw an apologetic smile his way and sit up a little straighter. I decide to test the waters a little bit. My heart is hammering in my chest but I somehow manage to get the courage to speak.
"Sounds to me like you're compensating for something." I stare hard at Merle's face after I say this. I know I'm the same color as a tomato but I flick a small smile his way to let him know I'm just picking with him. He flashes me with a shit eating grin and starts laughing. I look over at Daryl and his face is in shock. He picks up on his brother's amusement and joins in the laughter. I let go of the breath I was holding and joined them both.
"What's so funny in here?" Grace walks in looking suspicious.
"Well babe, little mouse here has a sense of humor."
"If I'm a mouse, you're a damn hyena." The teasing is easier now because I know Merle won't take offense to it- I hope. Grace looks at me and smiles. She slaps Merle on the chest to get him to stop snickering at me.
"Ok, I'm sure we would love to finish the comedy show, but supper is done. Go get the girls so we can eat before it gets cold."
"Yes ma'am." Merle answers her with a kiss on her cheek.
"I'll go get Sophia." I say as I start to stand. Before I can take a step Daryl places a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Both Merle and Grace look at us with eyes that seem to be hiding accusations, but I ignore them. As I look back at Daryl he is staring the pair down, almost daring them to say something. When they don't, he looks at me and smiles softly.
"I can go get her. If you don't mind. That way you can help Grace put the food out."
"Of course I don't mind. She'll try to get out of washing her hands though, so if she gives you any trouble come get me ok."
"Yes ma'am." He gives me the same answer Merle gave Grace and I find myself almost disappointed that it's not accompanied by the same affection his older brother showed his wife. The thought shocks me so much I physically shake my head to clear it. That's the last thing I need right now.
—--
Dinner is smooth. The girls act like a buffer and absorb most of the adults' attention. It takes Sophia a few minutes to adjust to the amount of company around her, but when she does she talks as much as Bonnie, just not as loudly. I find myself looking at my daughter like I have never seen her before. For all intents and purposes she is practically a different person. She is laughing and smiling constantly, she is interjecting her opinion, and she is even holding her own in conversations with Merle and Daryl. I have never seen her be so outgoing. Don't get me wrong, she talks to me constantly, but I have never seen her have conversations with other adults. And the adults seem to pour into her to keep her talking, like they know she needs this moment in the spotlight.
As dinner winds down, I can see Sophia starting to lose steam. Today was a good day for her, but it was probably one of the most emotionally taxing days she has had in a while. With her dad out of the picture, most of her days have been pretty smooth and uneventful. I do everything in my power to keep them that way.
"Momma, can we be excused? I wanna go play some more before Sophia has to go home." Bonnie directs her attention to Grace, but it is Merle who answers.
"Sure Sugar, y'all run on to your room." This may be the first instance of the night that Merle has used a normal tone of voice. You can tell by the way he looks at his daughter he would do truly anything she asked, so this simple request was an easy yes.
"Come on Sophia, we can go color."
Sophia looks at me for confirmation and I answer her silent question with a smile. She smiles back and grabs her friend's outstretched hand. They head down the hall together and disappear into Bonnie's room.
When I look back up I catch the smallest smile on Daryl's face and just the tail end of a silent conversation between Merle and Grace. I turn my attention to Daryl. He is sitting directly in front of me and I have been stealing glances all night. He is truly a handsome man, way more handsome than my ex husband. He is good looking in a way that is completely effortless too. His hair is the perfect mix between shaggy and well kept. His eyes are so dark blue they are practically gray. He has a muscular build that isn't too large, and his smile is crooked and shy.
"Ahem, hate to interrupt y'all's little starin' contest, but Grace asked if you wanted some coffee Mouse?"
Merle's accusation makes my eyes go wide and my face to heat up. Not only did I not realize I had quite literally gotten lost in the eyes across from me, but apparently he was staring right back. I broke eye contact with Daryl immediately and looked down at my hands.
"Sorry, yea coffee would be great. I'm gonna run to the bathroom first though." The last part is said as I am leaving the table. I still haven't looked anyone in the eye, and I am embarrassed beyond belief.
I can't let someone I barely know get to me like that. I can't let anyone in, and I can't believe I was stupid enough to be sucked in by his smile. These thoughts are stupid anyway. Someone as respectable as Daryl would never be interested in me. With my pale skin and short hair, I'm so plain to look at, its not like he would ever be attracted to me. I also have so much baggage that I would never be able to unleash on him. I don't care what Grace said about him having past abuse; he would never be able to tolerate what my ex has done to me. Ed has marked my body with scars that are disgusting to look at. He has done unspeakable things with my body that anyone would be repulsed by. As I am working through my self-loathing I hear a small knock on the door.
"I'm sorry Grace, I'll be right out."
"Uh, it's Daryl. I just wanna make sure you're alright. My brother can be an asshole. He didn't mean anything by what he said." Damn why can't this man be an asshole. My thoughts make me giggle a little and it brings me back to reality. I wipe my face and open the bathroom door. Daryl is standing there chewing on the corner of his thumb. He meets my eyes and quickly looks away.
"It's ok, I know he's an ass." When I say this, I hear Merle's laugh coming from the living room and Daryl's face contorted with anger for his brother. He turns to walk away, but I grab his arm. I don't know what is making my brain say it's ok to touch him. He tenses, but doesn't pull away from me. Instead he turns around and softens his face when he looks at me.
"Don't worry about your idiotic brother." I say the last part loudly and I hear Merle laugh again. I smile because it's easy to like Merle, even when he's being an ass.
"He doesn't bother me really, I just embarrassed myself. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."
Daryl's hand goes to the back of his neck and he averts his eyes again. "Naw, I'm good. Hell from what those assholes was saying I was staring just as much."
I smile a little at this and look down. This is when I realize I am still holding his arm. I take my hand away before he can yank his arm back.
"Why don't we go join them? I think I can handle my own with Merle." I smile as I say this because I actually believe myself. I think I am truly capable of being myself around this family without judgment, and that is something I never expected to feel from anyone.