Chapter 25

Traveling on, and back again.

It was a few days on. Aspenpaw was feeling better.

The chill had gone, and he just felt crummy now.

It was strange to remember, remember how he had opened his eyes after so long and saw the fear in Deya's eyes.

She had had such an intense look of distress, Aspenpaw had presumed immediately that something else was a matter.

But the air had been still, and when she embraced him so dearly and whispered in his ear, he had felt as right.

But Aspenpaw had dreamed that part; she hadn't said anything at all, and he was hardly awake for long enough to feel anything at all.

Since then, he had been just as inactive.

Deya carried him no news of any sort, though she stayed by him for much of the time of every day.

She would bring him prey and herbs and water, but no sorts of reassurance.

Their conversations were stilted, and neither of them had brought up topics of serious discussion yet.

The rest of the commune acted strangely too.

Roco was more or less the same as she always was, and Aspenpaw still wished he could quell her fear of him, trying to talk a bit through Deya to try and calm her, which hadn't seemed to help things.

Aranyer avoided him completely, but as he heard from Deya, it was often her who would volunteer to go out hunting or get bedding; she seemed to be working herself thin, in and out of their room constantly.

Ledivier was similarly averted to Aspenpaw, but occasionally he would catch a glance from her, not disdainful, but something he couldn't quite pin down.

He hadn't heard a single word from Rese since he got here.

The large she-cat was almost completely confined to her nest, just as he had suspected, and her voice wasn't even strong enough to reach the other side of the room where Aspenpaw lay.

Aspenpaw found himself uncharacteristically worried for her.

Since he saw how sluggishly she moved and how little she could keep her head up, he knew she was dying.

He hadn't asked about it, but right now, all by himself, looking over at her form, he wanted to speak to her one last time.

He had never been able to have that final closure with anybody, and even if they despised each other most of the time, he knew she didn't deserve to have anything held against her right now.

Rese was still his comrade, and given the situation, he was sure he would fight with her.

Maybe it was just fate that she couldn't live without Apollo.

Of anyone, aside from Jingo, Rese seemed to be able to get the closest to the mysterious she-cat, and it was almost like they were one, that after she died, Rese would deteriorate and be the next to join her.

It would be some time before Deya, or anybody else, came back from scouting, but Aspenpaw didn't have the strength to walk on his own, so he sat and stared until the world blended into something foreign, and he sunk away between the sprawling colors of a romantic dream.

Aspenpaw awoke instantly to the sound of paw steps careening through the halls.

As it seemed, Apollo's commune was paying a portion of their fresh-kill for the hospitality.

They didn't need that much prey, there weren't many of them left and two of them were eating sparingly, but it still disheartened Aspenpaw to see the measly three catches that were brought in.

It would have to last until the next time they went out hunting.

As he gazed out on the faces passing by, Aspenpaw saw that they all looked just as hopeless as him.

It seemed like the commune had lost its pride.

They didn't have their home. They didn't have Apollo. They hardly had Rese.

Aranyer, Deya, and Ledivier placed one piece of prey each in the farthest corner while Roco quickly checked in on Rese.

The three able soldiers split without a word, all of them likely hungry but none willing to diminish their supply.

Aspenpaw only had his eyes on Deya, and luckily, she padded over, "Hi, As," She said in a sigh, dropping down beside him.

Most of their conversations since he came back had been very one-sided, so Aspenpaw really didn't know how he should talk to her.

He decided that now wasn't the time for them to work out what had occurred.

Aspenpaw could live for a little bit longer without understanding; he had to talk to Rese now.

The gray tom heaved his forepaws and pushed his weight up, incredibly weak from the toll that the sickness had taken on him.

Deya looked at him quizzically and only grew more curious as Aspenpaw said, "Help me up. I need talk to Rese,"

Deya immediately came as his aid but questioned him, "Why?"

Aspenpaw didn't have a strong answer, but just said, "I just feel like I needa talk to her,"

Deya didn't say anything else. Aspenpaw's legs were like twigs trying to hold up his body, and he felt bad for the amount of weight he was offloading onto Deya.

Roco had finished checking in with Rese and was galloping off to the back room where she had mostly stayed.

The journey was long and arduous, stretching Aspenpaw's muscles and bending his bones in ways he hadn't for a few days now, but always moving forward, they eventually made it, and he flopped down like a dropped kit.

Rese flicked her ear in recognition of the sound, but her eyes were closed and she made no move to open them.

Aspenpaw exchanged a glance with Deya, and she understood.

He wanted to be alone with her for a while.

Deya backed off to Aspenpaw's nest at the far end of the large room, out of earshot, and she sat in waiting,

"Rese?" Aspenpaw finally spoke, his voice throaty and weak. She popped open one eye but closed it again once she saw him,

"What d'ye want?" She asked dismissively, but not nearly as powerfully as she once had been.

The aggressive, confrontational attitude was gone, and now she just seemed tiredly annoyed,

"I just felt like I needed to talk to you," Aspenpaw repeated what he had said to Deya,

"Why's that?" Rese grumbled, nothing more than an edge left in her voice. Aspenpaw hesitated to answer, but as he thought about why he had decided to come over here, he knew he had to say it,

"Because I'm afraid I won't be able to again," Rese opened both her eyes and looked off into the floor in front of her. They were soft eyes, resolute and calm, and though she refused to turn towards him, Aspenpaw knew she was looking to him,

"Everybody knows I'm goin', huh?"

"I, I guess,"

"So, what? What've ye got to say 'bout it? Or jus' wanna remind me?"

"I'm, no. I'm just sorry-"

"Don't think I'll be takin' yer pity, tom. Ye aen't gettin' on anyone's good graces with this stunt,"

"I'm sorry! I know we don't care for each other, but I don't want to lose you, Rese! It's been so hard,"

"T'has,"

"I just want to have an understanding between us, or something,"

"S'pose even I d'serve some closure,"

"I've never had closure. I've never had the courage to face it,"

"Can't imagine I've had any such thing eitha. That kina thing don' happen 'ere,"

"When my mother, and, my br-brother died, were dying, I wasn't there for them. I just ran,"

"Ye had 'em fer some time, don' forget that. I'm dyin' 'ere alone,"

"You're never alone as long as you have hope,"

"Somethin' like that. It aen't like I'm afraid or nothin'. I've been through the thick an' thin, I'll be fine w'ever I am. Ye see how many toms it took to bring me down? An' it was only 'cause Maria lost all 'er herbs,"

"Why do you call her that? She don't deserve the abuse you give her,"

"I guess I'm too hard on the spaz. She's the easiest cat to get mad at an' take off some o' that edge when everythin' goes up in flames. I know, I know that's why I'm alone 'ere, y'aven't gotta tell me. It's much too late to do anythin' 'bout it,"

"I could give her a message, I could tell her how you feel,"

"Nah, tom, I'd jus' do the same things all over 'gain if we went back. Maybe if I got to move forward it coulda been different,"

"Do you think we ever could have understood each other?"

"Hm, no,"

"I think we could've. I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore,"

"Then get out. Ye aen't like the toms 'round 'ere, and ye certainly aen't like the shes. This aen't yer world; it aen't nobody's,"

"Well then who're we fighting for? If you don't think the world can change, then why even bother? Why throw your life away?"

"Of course I think it can change. I wasn't gonna live to see it no matter what; a cat don' live that long,"

"You think the war's gonna last for a while?"

"War's easy; it's a short, sharp, shock. Rebuildin' it's a lingerin' pain,"

"There's a war going on at my, my old home, it doesn't seem easy for them, and it hasn't been easy here. All it is is waiting with your tail between your legs to kill someone or die!"

"Maybe fer you! Ye don' got anythin' to fight fer, you or Deya! Ye might think it's fer the best or somethin' that ye fight to free my sisters, but ye don' understand it! Y'ave never been who we was forced to be!"

"No, but it doesn't matter! I do know we are fighting for what is right, and I do understand it! Nothing I've experienced can compare to you and all those who we're fighting for, but for Starclan's sake, I still have my empathy! You aren't as alone as you think you are!"

"It's a nice thought. Know if I was strong 'nough, I'd shout ye outta the room, but it's still a nice thought,"

"When we first met, you said something about Deya, how she wasn't trustworthy or something,"

"She's the same breed as ye. Foreigner who's got some moral quandaries and thinks she can forget 'bout it with 'er claws. I'll never trust 'er with anythin' but 'er skills in battle,"

"You really believe the whole world is against you, don't you?"

"Ye do too, tom. Nothin's gonna change fer me, don' be chargin' me with anythin',"

"Why can't you ever admit your mistakes?"

"Why can't you?"

"Stop turning it around, Rese! All I wanted to do was understand you,"

"Then try understandin' yerself!"

"I can't, but at least I'm not giving up! I came here to try and understand, ya know. The war might've made you wise enough to know yourself, but all I can find here is misery and confusion,"

"War don' make you wise, tom. I aen't the youngerst she in this city, though I certainly aen't the olderst. I earned my freedom the winter o' my second year, an' I left to find meself too. But it's hard to pass up the strongest cat ye can find, an' food is a powerful bargain; I've fought in many a war, most of 'em I never believed in, didn't even know why wes was fightin'. I learned one thin' from those years, from all my years; the winner aen't whoever can conquer the other, the winner is whoever can best block out the screams,"

"I know. I don't believe in war like we did when we were kits anymore. I didn't come seeking this war for my own self-fulfillment or, to prove myself to someone. I got dragged into this because it's the right thing to do, and I'm just trying to survive and protect those I love,"

"That'd be Deya yer talkin' 'bout, yeh?"

"Yeah, yes, I do love her. I want to love her so bad. But I want to love everybody too,"

"Well, ye can give up on that. Lovers feel the weight o' war like thunder strikes. Don' waste yer time on all them out there, jus' spend what ya got with Deya. Ye two were sent to be together, it could only be destiny that I'd gotta deal with both o' ya,"

"Could you tell me about Apollo? Why-"

"No,"

"Why not? I've never been able to understand her,"

"Ye weren't meant to understand eve'ybody, least o' all her. She acted how she did fer a reason, tom, and I aen't gonna start blabbin' 'bout jus' 'cause she aen't 'round,"

"Alright. Well, what-"

"Stop. My turn to ask ye a question, tom. I'm the one dyin', I get to make the rules if ye wanna be talkin' wit' me,"

"What is it?"

"Tell me 'bout where yer from; it strikes me that it's somethin' different,"

"There's no slavery where I'm from. We're all supposed to be equal; we don't distinguish between she-cats and toms,"

"Did'ja all live in the same space?"

"Yeah, we were all just one clan,"

"Clan. I've heard cats talk 'bout them vaguely from time to time. Seems pretty exclusive, so I understand it. They let in outsiders?"

"N-No. I knew one cat, who was, and they, didn't treat him well,"

"So why'd ye leave?"

"I don't wanna talk about it. I just had to go,"

"I aen't makin' it much longer, tom, it don't matter to hold yer tongue,"

"I-I, I can't. I, I hu-hurt my br-brother, my brother. I c-couldn't stay,"

"Didn't think ye could even kill a bird,"

"I didn't, I-"

"No time to dwell on what's been done. Calm down an' wipe yer tears, yer like Roco,"

"I'm not t-talking about this with you,"

"I aen't gonna make ye. Tell me though, have ye told Deya?"

"I-I,"

"Yer in fer a world o' somethin', alright. Ye can't hide it from 'er if ye really wanna love 'er, ye wear it too much on yer face,"

"I said I'm not talking about this! Now you tell me, what do you regret? You've had plenty of time to think about that one!"

"I regret neva knockin' ye upside!"

"That's it, huh? You don't regret any of your terrible behavior since I've known you?"

"That aen't it, tom! O' course it aen't! I regret plenty! Ye think bein' a mercenary's a good life? I've killed cats fer no mer reason than to eat that night, an' I'll never understand how I coulda done such thin's!"

"Did you ever have a family?"

"No. Ye don' get that kina pleasure in my conditions,"

"You don't know who they are?"

"They take ye 'way once ye can swallow down meat. I don' remember my ma well, an' I was sold to another fam'ly, so I don' know whatever happen to 'er,"

"How did you survive?"

"I didn't. None o' us did. Apollo was enough fam'ly fer me; never needed me anybody else,"

"Our mother, she, s-she, nevermind,"

"Tell me, tom,"

"Well, she just, she, it hurt, so much, when s-she died. She tried, so hard, to give us everything, give us all her love, let us have our kithood, even after father left. She was sick, an-and dying, and he left! He just, left. I don't know how h-he, I, he broke up our family! He killed our mother!"

"Calm yerself, tom. Tell me more 'bout yer ma; a tom like that don' deserve yer regard,"

"She, I-I don't know. I didn't ever get to know her. She did everything for us, not for herself! We always wanted to be with her, but she was always trapped in the Medicine Cat Den; we'd have to talk behind ferns, if at all. I remember, sneaking out of camp and, and picking beautiful flowers for her that I could slide between the ferns. I-I wanted her to be as vibrant and, and blooming as the flowers, but, of course, they'd, always die after I plucked them. She always told me they were alive and healthy though, that her nest was decorated with all of them; they must've all been thrown away. Whenever she was strong enough to come out, we'd never leave her side, not for a moment. She spent all of her strongest moments entertaining us. I feel so bad, I didn't let her enjoy her last days. And then she died, and we, we were alone. Ac always said that she was watching over us from Starclan, and I, I wish I could have believed that like he did,"

"She sounds like a beautiful cat,"

"She was more beautiful than anybody I've ever known,"

"What was 'er name?"

"Cloudfall,"

"What is yer name, tom?"

"Do you care?"

"Yes, I do,"

"It's As,"

"It was a fine talk, an' yer a fine tom, but my body won' let me stay 'wake much longer,"

"Goodbye, Rese,"

"Goodbye, As,"

They nodded to each other for the first and last time. Deya came to retrieve Aspenpaw and bring him back to his nest.

He spent all of his waking moments looking over to Rese.

She was dead two mornings later.