A/N I forgot to add a note for the last chapter, so here it is. Finding the right balance for Kakashi's emotional state for the last couple and next few chapters was kind of tricky. I recently listened to a podcast, (Chris Williamson's podcast on youtube, the episode was called Why Father's Matter with Dr. Anna Machin in case anyone is interested, it was a fascinating conversation) and in it the Dr. says that when a man becomes a father, when the baby is born they experience a drop in testosterone of approximately a whole third! that is never recovered so long as they stick around. Crazy right? Apparently the point is to allow for emotional bonding. The drop in testosterone makes it easier to bond with and relate to their children I guess. ANYWAY as I mulled over Kakashi's personality post Kazuki in this, it occurred to me that he wouldn't be the same person he is in the manga/anime as a dad. Considering this sciencey bit, I feel like I can justify his emotional state in the face of what has happened to him. For those that asked, Yes, the bulk of part 2 is watching Kazuki growing up. Sakura may or may not make an appearance again towards the last few chapters. TBH I have a lovely scene in my head of her not coming back and Kakashi's reaction. ^.^ tee hee FINALLY the start of this chapter will be familiar. I made a few minor changes, but this entire thing is the very first thing I wrote for this. It underwent lots of changes as I wrote part one but this is where the entire story came from. As much as I enjoyed the romance in part one, this half of the story, sad single dad Kakashi is what spurred this entire story. I love it!

Part 2 Chapter 3

Kakashi

Day twenty without her

A whimpering cry pulled Kakashi from his dream. It had been a good dream. It was of her, his Sakura. They were together, all three of them, in the future.

But he was awake now. The gray light of early dawn streamed in through the thin curtains, and the sorrow he knew he would never be free from returned in a crushing wave, threatening to drown him. Part of him wanted to let it.

The whimpering cry grew more insistent. Kakashi, still groggy, rolled towards the sound despite wanting nothing more than to lay there, wallowing in the aching loneliness and despair. But he'd promised.

"Kazuki…" He reached across the bed, placing a hand on the fussing infant's stomach. "It's alright, Kazuki. Shhhh..." It wasn't alright, though Nothing was.

Gently, Kakashi slid his son closer to himself, trying his best to soothe him. To soothe himself. His warm little body curled into his chest… and for a moment, he did settle. Tiny hands reaching blindly, clutched at Kakashi's shirt.

Wisps of pink hair stirred with Kakashi's breath, Kazuki's scent filling his senses and easing the ache in him just enough that he felt like he might survive the day. Opening his eye fully, he gazed down at his son. Dark blue-gray eyes stared up at him as he made a crude attempt at sucking on the bit of shirt he'd managed to get close enough to his mouth.

A soft, sad chuckle escaped Kakashi. "I'm sorry I don't have what you're looking for." He didn't have anything the baby, hardly three weeks old, needed.

He needed his mother. She would have been amazing at this. But she was gone. Now all their son had was a heartbroken, useless, way-too-young-for-this father who had no idea what to do with him.

It might have been easier to let his grandparents raise him. They had no idea who he really was to them, but he knew they would have taken him anyway. It would have been easier that way. Kazuki would have grown up with his mother, after a fashion, and Kakashi would have been… even more alone.

But he'd promised. He wouldn't abandon their son the way his father had abandoned him. Not that he wanted to kill himself. Not if there was even a slim chance she'd been right. And even still… he'd promised.

So, when gurgling turned to frustrated cries, Kakashi scooped the infant into his arms and stood from the bed. "Alright. Let's see about breakfast."

With already practiced movements, he balanced his son with one hand against his shoulder—muttering soft assurances against his pudgy cheek—and prepared a bottle with the other. "Tch." Kakashi glared down into the nearly empty can of formula. They'd have to leave the safety of their apartment to get more: he had been dreading this moment. This would be their first time venturing out together.

He had been released from ANBU and given an extended leave by the Third, both for time to grieve, and to care for his son. If… no, when he went back to the field it would be as a Jōnin and possibly as sensei. Sakura had not instilled much hope that he would be of any use to anyone as a sensei, but it would mean less time away and almost certainly safer missions.

He had promised Sakura not to leave Kazuki. He would keep that promise, no matter how much it hurt to get through each day without her.

Bottle made, instant noodles heating, Kakashi sat at his table and offered the now nearly hysterical infant the bottle. After several moments of false starts and frustration, he settled down to eat. Kakashi sighed with relief. For a while, he simply watched him. His fist had clutched at his shirt again. He usually seemed so content, but sometimes Kakashi thought he seemed to know something wasn't quite right.

His own stomach grumbled. With a sigh, he picked up his chopsticks and ate quickly. He managed to get through his meal with only two noodles dropping onto Kazuki. It was an improvement.

Hyper-focused on their morning routine—getting them both dressed, the small victory of finally getting the nappy on correctly the first time—it was easier to ignore his sorrow. While Kazuki took his morning nap on his chest, Kakashi read another chapter of the parenting book he'd been given by the Hokage. It took up another hour and held his focus.

Kazuki woke from his nap hungry again. The trip could not be put off any longer. It was probably irresponsible of him to have waited so long. Guilt ate at him. He was letting him down. He couldn't do this. Yet another promise he wouldn't be able to fulfill.

Feeling a cloud of despair growing, he wrapped his son to his chest, pulled up his mask and left. The sun blinded him at first, squinting his eye against the light. Maybe he should leave the apartment more—but then he'd have to face people.

So far as the village was concerned, his wife had died in childbirth. He was not looking forward to the pitying looks and the sorrowful, whispered conversations that would no doubt follow them.

Hands shoved in pockets, he kept his focus straight ahead as he walked toward the market street.

There were the expected whispers. He tried his best to ignore them.

"The baby survived…"

"Small blessings. Poor dears."

At least it was still early. The crowds weren't too thick yet.

"Does he have anyone helping him? Surely such a young single male shinobi is ill-equipped to care for a baby."

"The poor thing needs his mother. It's so sad."

The weather was nice too. Kazuki looked out at the world, the side of his face pressed snugly against Kakashi.

"He should have let another family raise it. It would have been better for both of them, surely."

"Hush! Don't say such a thing. All they have is each other. I'm sure he'll manage just fine."

That last one stung. Glancing to the side where two older women whispered, heads bent together as they watched him. When they saw him looking, they both gasped, the one that must have spoken first shaking her head in obvious judgment.

He tried to glare at her but deep down, he agreed. Sighing, he brought a hand up to pat Kazuki gently and kept walking.

The gossiping wouldn't last forever. At least he hoped not. Eventually Kazuki would be old enough to understand, and he didn't want him to hear it every time he went out. He knew what that was like. It was exhausting and burdensome for a child.

Finally, he reached his destination. He wandered the aisles for a while, unsure where to start. When he found the formula, he stood there for several minutes staring. There were so many choices. It was overwhelming.

Why were there so many kinds?

This was the first time he'd had to do any of this shopping himself. Aiko had brought him the things he had needed as they ran out so far. Maybe he should have asked her to do this for him again. Maybe then he wouldn't have run out of formula. But he'd forgotten and then it was too late.

The despair was back.

Kazuki started squirming and fussing. This errand had taken too long. Grabbing two cans that matched the one he had finished, he turned to find the nappies. They needed more of those too.

"Kakashi-san?"

He froze. He let out a shaky breath. He turned.

Mebuki was there, smiling sadly at him. "Hello, Kakashi-san." She glanced at the quietly fussing baby. Pity pinched her eyes before she blinked hard and made her smile more cheerful. "And who is this?"

Grateful that she wasn't smothering him with tearful lamentations and pity, he decided to humor her. He was her grandson, after all. "My son, Kazuki."

"Ah, a boy then. Hana was right, after all." A flash of sadness did cross her face then but she hid it immediately. "How are you managing? Do you need any help, Kakashi-san? I remember how difficult those first months can be in the best of times. Why, Sakura hardly let me sleep for ages."

As if summoned by her name, eight year-old Sakura came bounding around the corner, pink hair fanning out behind her as she ran. "Mom, can I—Oh! A baby!" An excited smile split her face, her hands coming up to her cheeks. "Oh can I see? Please!"

Mebuki frowned down at her. "Sakura-chan! That's terribly rude."

This wasn't the first time he had seen the younger version of his wife. She had been with her mother once when they had run into them on the street. Sakura, his Sakura, had been almost too stunned to speak. He watched her mother scold her and wondered what to do. Would it be okay? Could he handle this? They were practically different people. This little girl was not his Sakura. It wouldn't hurt anything to let her see Kazuki.

He decided.

"It's alright." He knelt down so she could see. Her face lit up and she stepped closer. Kakashi almost couldn't breathe. Thankfully, Mebuki spoke for him.

"This is Kazuki-chan, Sakura-chan. Your father and I are acquainted with his father, Hatake Kakashi. Isn't he cute?"

She practically squealed. "He has pink hair, just like me!" She reached out to touch it but suddenly shied. Looking up at him with wide, apprehensive green eyes, she flushed. "Um. Hatake-san, would it be okay if I touched him?"

A breathy chuckle broke out of him, surprisingly genuine. "Sure."

Smiling back, she reached out ever so gently to stroke his feathery hair and trace a finger along his round cheek. "Hello little Kazuki-chan! My name is Sakura! Look! Our hair is even the same shade!" She held up a lock of hair next to his. The only difference was the texture.

She examined it closely. "Does his mother have pink hair too?"

His breathing hitched and his eyes burned. Such a simple question had completely thrown him.

"Yes she did, sweetheart. A cousin of your father's. That's how we knew her."

"Oh?" She had looked back at her mother when she had answered her question but excitedly turned back to Kazuki. "Oh wow! We're cousins! What does his mother look like, Hatake-san?"

He needed to get out of there. This encounter was fast becoming too much. He wasn't ready for this. But she was looking up at him expectantly, and he had never been able to deny her anything.

Somehow, he managed to keep his voice from shaking. "She was beautiful."

A blush and a pleased smile started to bloom, but then it faded just as quickly. "Was?"

When he didn't answer, looking down at his son and desperately trying to keep it together, she sighed. Her little voice was filled with sadness but she didn't cry.

"Well…" Her lip quivered dangerously. "He's my cousin. So, I'll just have to love him extra since he doesn't have a mother. You can call me Onee-chan, Kazuki-chan."

With a watery smile, she stepped back suddenly and waved goodbye. "I'll see you later, Kazuki-chan, okay?" And then she was tugging on her mother's skirt and heading around the corner.

A flustered and misty-eyed Mebuki followed her away, waving back at him and offering an open invitation for lunch. "Remember what I said: you're family and we're here for you if you need anything at all, Kakashi-san."

They left him there, kneeling on the ground, two cans of formula tucked under an arm.

Kazuki, who had quieted while Sakura was entertaining him, started fussing again, snapping Kakashi back to the moment. He was still hungry, and Kakashi felt drained. They needed to get home. Grabbing a package of nappies on the way out, he opted for the fastest way home. There weren't any gossiping women on the rooftops.

Finally back in the safety of their apartment, Kakashi broke down. He held their son close while he fed him, sobbing on the floor of the kitchen. He couldn't do this.

He didn't want to do this without her. It wasn't fair. Nothing in his life had ever been fair. It was only a matter of time before something happened to his son too. Her memories didn't matter. It was too hard. It hurt too much. Nothing in his life, none of the suffering he'd endured before losing her compared to this.

Seeing her younger self had hurt, too. That pink haired, sweet little girl was going to grow up, travel back in time to love him, and then disappear, leaving him alone again. In that moment, the fact that he'd guessed everything and still chosen her—them, this—anyway did not matter.

The bottle, now empty, toppled to the floor. In his arms, Kazuki squirmed, looking up at him expectantly. It was so similar to the look young Sakura had given him at the market.

"Hey…" He cleared his throat, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "I'm sorry, Kazuki." Still shaking slightly, he tucked his son under his chin and patted his back. As he snuffled against his neck, Kakashi remembered her final words to him.

"Oh, Kakashi… You can, you're going to be the best dad any little boy could ever want… And you won't be alone. I promise… I love you, Kakashi… so much." And then she turned to Kazuki. "And I love you too, Kazuki, my precious, sweet little boy. I'm so sorry Mommy has to leave you, but I'll see you soon. I promise."

He had thought she meant when she woke up in the future. At best, he had assumed she would meet him at some point when he became her sensei in a few years. For some reason, it had not occurred to him that her family or her younger self would have any major role in his life until he was older.

"I'll just have to love him extra since he doesn't have a mother… call me Onee-chan, Kazuki-chan."

Without asking, her younger self had claimed her own son. Deciding to love him, she had assumed a constant place in his life. This is always what had happened, part of their future that she hadn't been able to share, and he hadn't guessed. His Sakura had grown up with Kazuki almost as soon as he was born, loving him in a different way perhaps than she should have, but loving him just the same.

More tears fell, dampening Kazuki's pink hair. Drawing up his knees, Kakashi kissed the top of their son's head. Until that moment, he had been caring for his son—going through the motions—because he had promised her he would. But he hadn't kept his word, not really. He had been too hurt, too heartbroken to truly allow his son into his heart.

Now, finally, Kakashi allowed the words he hadn't dared speak out loud to pass his lips.

"I love you, Kazuki." He kissed his soft pink hair again, his mother's hair. "Shhh… Your daddy loves you, Kazuki. I promise I won't leave you. I'll always be here for you. I promise."

Finally, a promise he knew he would be able to keep.