Give me reasons we should be complete
You should be with him, I can't compete
You looked at me like I was someone else, oh well
Can't you see?
~Slow Dancing in the Dark, Joji
As the party ventured into the foreboding depths of the Underdark, a sense of oppression hung heavy in the air. The absence of sunlight, that life-giving force, seemed to cast a pall over the group's spirits. Despite their numerous accomplishments and triumphs in the face of danger, the perpetual darkness gnawed at their morale.
Yet amidst this gloom, there was one beacon of unwavering positivity: Ruby. Her boundless optimism and compassionate nature seemed undiminished by the oppressive surroundings. While the others grumbled and brooded, Ruby's infectious energy refused to be dampened.
As they navigated the twisting passages and cavernous expanses of the Underdark, Ruby found opportunities to extend her hand in aid, not once, but twice.
However, this relentless display of generosity began to wear on Astarion's patience.
As Ruby agreed to aid the deep gnome in her quest to save her clan, Astarion felt a twinge of exasperation claw at his insides. With a saccharine smile plastered on his face, he took her aside, his voice dripping with false sweetness that belied the growing tension between them.
"Darling," he began, his tone deceptively soft, "might I remind you that we're not heroes?"
Ruby met his gaze with a mischievous glint in her eye, her response quick and sharp, laced with a hint of playful defiance. "Might I remind you that I'm a monster hunter?" she retorted, her smile cheeky and unapologetic. "It's not that big of a deal anyway. We already promised the Myconids we'd bring them back Nere's head. Halsin told us that's where the entrance is to the Shadow-Cursed Lands."
As Ruby's defiance flashed in her eyes, Astarion's gut twisted with a sense of foreboding. He knew deep down that this clash of wills was a harbinger of trouble, yet he couldn't bring himself to back down.
A weariness settled over him like a heavy cloak. For too long, others dictated his actions, and defined him by their terms rather than his own. But now, faced with the dhampir's unyielding determination, a fire ignited within him, a stubborn resolve to assert his own autonomy.
"All I'm saying is…I don't care," he declared, his words lacking conviction even to his own ears. He watched as Ruby's smirk faltered, replaced by a look of disappointment and frustration.
"Is it really that big of a deal, Astarion?" Ruby's voice was tinged with exasperation, her arms crossed tightly over her chest in a defensive gesture.
Astarion felt a surge of frustration rising within him. "Of course, it's a big deal, darling!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up dramatically. "We have multiple powerful people after us, a parasite in our brains, not to mention we can possibly turn into a mind flayer at a moment's notice."
Ruby's hands remained raised in a placating gesture as she tried to diffuse the tension between them. "I get that, Astarion, but-"
"But what, Ruby?" Astarion interrupted, his frustration bubbling to the surface. "You're always so preoccupied with playing savior to every sorry soul that stumbles your way with their sob stories. I don't care about their problems, I care about mine and right now, I'm more concerned about turning into a brain-eating squid."
As his words hung in the air, heavy with frustration and resentment, Ruby's lip began to quiver, a sight that stirred something foreign in Astarion's undead heart.
"Aestar, we're nowhere near Cazador. You can stop wearing your mask," Ruby murmured softly, her voice trembling with emotion.
Astarion's gaze hardened, his resolve unyielding. "This isn't a mask, Ruby. This is me. This is who I am."
Ruby shook her head in disbelief, her eyes brimming with compassion as she began to approach him gently. But as she reached out a hand in a gesture of comfort, Astarion instinctively took a step back, his defenses still firmly in place.
The hurt in Ruby's eyes cut through him like a knife, a stark reminder of the walls he had built around himself to protect his fractured soul. But even as he recoiled from her touch, a part of him longed to tear down those walls, to let her in and share the burden of his fears and insecurities.
"But you do care, Astarion," the dhampir insisted, her voice soft but unwavering. "You don't have to hide that part of you anymore."
As the vampire spawn's mind wrestled with conflicting emotions, a flicker of doubt momentarily pierced the armor of his stoicism. For a fleeting moment, vulnerability crept into his thoughts, like a crack in the facade he had painstakingly built over centuries. But before he could fully grapple with this vulnerability, it was drowned out by a rising tide of frustration and anger.
"I don't care!" he snapped, the words bursting forth with a venomous edge. "How many times do you need me to tell you that before you can get it through your head? I'm not you, Ruby. I don't have a bleeding heart. Mine doesn't even beat. If you'd endured even a fraction of what I have, perhaps then you'd comprehend why I am as I am."
The bitterness in his voice hung heavy in the air, a sharp contrast to the gentle sincerity in Ruby's eyes. With each word, Astarion felt the walls around his heart grow taller, the distance between them widening with every passing moment.
"Even though it doesn't beat, you still have one…and I've seen you use it," she declared, her voice trembling with raw emotion. A surge of guilt washed over Astarion as he met her gaze, her words piercing through the icy armor he had erected around his heart. In that moment, he couldn't deny the truth in her words, nor could he suppress the flicker of warmth that stirred within him at her unwavering belief in his capacity for compassion.
But before he could respond, Ruby unleashed a torrent of anguish and defiance, her own wounds laid bare for all to see.
"I might not have been through some of the shit you've been through, but don't downplay what I've went through either," she continued, her voice trembling. "I'm sorry you've been tortured for as long as you were and I don't know where to even start when I say I'd do anything to take that pain away from you. But that doesn't give you the right to be a complete and utter asshole to everyone who cares about you!"
Ruby's tears flowed freely now, leaving glistening trails down her cheeks as she wiped them away with a sudden, desperate motion.
"And if you despise my 'bleeding heart' so much, why are you still here? Nobody's forcing you to stay."
Her final words struck a chord within him, stirring a tumult of conflicting emotions. He could feel the pull of freedom beckoning to him, whispering promises of escape from the tangled web of obligations and responsibilities that bound him to this motley group of adventurers. He was free from Cazador...for now. He could simply vanish into the shadows, leaving behind the complexities and dangers of their journey without a second glance.
But then, there was the matter of the tadpole—the insidious parasite lurking within his mind. Despite his fears, he had yet to succumb to its monstrous influence, the transformation into a grotesque squid eluding him thus far.
Yet, even as he entertained the idea of fleeing, a nagging realization gnawed at the edges of his consciousness. Despite his best efforts to maintain his aloof facade, he couldn't deny the truth that lay buried deep within his undead heart. He needed Ruby and the others. He needed their protection, their...companionship.
She must have seen the hurt flash across his eyes, for her own widened in realization. Without another word, she turned on her heel and fled, leaving Astarion standing in silence, his thoughts swirling in turmoil. In that moment of profound vulnerability, he realized just how much he had come to rely on the bond they shared.
As he watched her disappear into the darkness, a sense of longing welled up within him. With a heavy sigh, Astarion knew that despite his inner turmoil, he couldn't deny the undeniable truth—he belonged with them, for better or for worse.
The oppressive darkness of the Underdark enveloped Astarion like a suffocating shroud, its weight pressing down upon him with each passing moment. In this lightless abyss, time seemed to lose all meaning, the boundary between night and day blurred into an indistinct haze of perpetual gloom. Yet, amidst the suffocating darkness, a flicker of light danced in the distance—a small fire pit, its feeble glow casting shadows against the cavern walls.
Sitting alone cross-legged in front of his tent, Astarion's nimble fingers moved deftly as he stitched up a hole in one of his shirts, the rhythmic motion a soothing distraction from the turmoil of his thoughts.
He glanced to the side, his gaze drawn inexorably towards the flickering light of the fire pit. There, bathed in the warm glow of the flames, he caught sight of Ruby and Wyll, their figures illuminated against the backdrop of darkness. They stumbled into view, their laughter echoing through the cavern like a beacon of light in the oppressive gloom.
Astarion's undead heart sank like a stone in his stomach as he heard the genuine chuckle that had once been reserved solely for him. It reverberated through the cavern, a bittersweet reminder of the connection he once shared with Ruby. Envy clawed at him, its tendrils winding their way through his cold, undead flesh as he listened to their conversation from a distance.
"I had fun, Ruby. I hope you will join me again in the future?" Wyll's voice carried a warmth and sincerity that cut through the darkness like a ray of light.
Ruby's response, filled with enthusiasm and her usual sweet smile, only served to fuel the flames of Astarion's envy. He watched in silence as Wyll planted a gentle kiss on her cheek, the gesture causing her face to flush with color.
As Ruby turned to face the vampire spawn, her eyes brimming with affection and warmth, he met her gaze for a fleeting moment before redirecting his attention to the task at hand. His lips curled into a sardonic smirk, a mask of nonchalance concealing the tumult of emotions roiling beneath the surface.
"Did you find his blade?" Astarion's voice dripped with mockery, his words a calculated barb aimed at Ruby's perceived indiscretion.
Ruby's sweet smile faltered, replaced by a scowl as she crossed her arms defiantly across her chest, her frustration evident in the set of her jaw.
Astarion chuckled softly as he set aside the sewing supplies and rose to his feet, closing the distance between them with languid grace. "You're not answering me," he observed. "I take it you did. Tell me, darling. Was it a dagger? Perhaps a shortsword?"
Ruby bristled at his taunting tone, her patience wearing thin as she shot back, "I did nothing of the sort and even if I did, it's none of your business."
Astarion's dark chuckle reverberated through the dimly lit cavern, a chilling echo of amusement tinged with malice. "Really?" he clicked his tongue, his voice dripping with disdain. "A shame. Judging by that little token of affection he bestowed upon you, I'd wager you're not exactly being truthful."
The vampire spawn knew he was pushing her buttons, his words calculated to provoke a reaction. There was no logical reason for him to antagonize her other than the fact that he was consumed by envy, a festering seed of resentment toward the one person in their group he did not trust at all. Was it childish? Perhaps. Did he care? Not in the slightest.
"I'm sick and tired of you being such an ass all of a sudden," Ruby retorted.
"Oh, darling. I've always been one, that's nothing new," Astarion countered flippantly, his smirk widening into a self-satisfied grin.
He expected her to lash out, to succumb to the mounting tension between them and either try to throw herself at him out of sexual frustration or lash out with a punch. Yet, to his surprise, Ruby's reaction was not what he anticipated. Instead of lust or aggression, she regarded him with genuine sadness, her violet eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
With hesitant tenderness, she reached out and placed a hand on his ivory cheek, her touch gentle yet filled with a silent plea for understanding. Astarion felt his carefully constructed mask begin to slip once again in the face of her compassion, the walls around his heart crumbling beneath the weight of her silent empathy.
Her eyes searched his, delving beneath the facade of indifference he so meticulously maintained.
"I'm done fighting with you about this. Stop trying to push away the few people who care about you."
Astarion's defenses wavered as Ruby's words washed over him. He broke eye contact, a flicker of uncertainty crossing his features as he crossed his arms defensively. Despite his instinct to retreat, he found himself unable to pull away from her touch.
"You don't know how they truly feel about me," he muttered.
Ruby refused to let him retreat into the shadows, her determination shining through as she forced him to meet her gaze once again. "You're right, I don't know how they truly feel," she conceded, her voice steady and unwavering. "But I do know how I feel, and I care about you, Astarion. Whether you like it or not. Whether you believe it or not, I do. Don't push me away. I want to help you."
Astarion felt a knot form in his throat, a surge of conflicting emotions threatening to overwhelm him. For a moment, he found himself lost in the depths of Ruby's violet eyes. But even as her gaze offered him solace and understanding, a wave of self-loathing crashed over him like a tidal wave, drowning out the flicker of hope that dared to stir within him.
He didn't deserve her kindness, he knew that much. Not after the way he'd treated her, the walls he had built to keep her at arm's length. She cared for him, believed in him, even when he couldn't find it in himself to believe in his own worth. But he didn't deserve that either. He was a monster, plain and simple, and no amount of kindness could erase the bloodstains that marked his past.
With a heavy heart, he pulled away from her touch. He began to retreat to his tent for the night, each step a silent testament to the chasm that lay between them, a gaping void he feared he could never bridge.
"Oh, just slink back to your monster hunter, why don't you?" he muttered bitterly. "You two were repulsively made for each other anyway."
Glancing back at her over his shoulder, he saw the look of disbelief and concern etched upon her features. She didn't believe him, he could see that much, but he didn't need her to. She didn't deserve him, didn't deserve the burden of his darkness weighing upon her gentle soul. All she could see was the good inside of him, looking past every questionable thing he'd done. He didn't understand it, couldn't comprehend how she could still find goodness in him when he knew all too well the depths of his own depravity.
If she'd only known the extent of the horrors he'd caused, the lives he had snuffed out without remorse, she'd leave him without a second thought. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth, couldn't bear to see the look of revulsion and horror that would surely cloud her eyes if she knew the monster he truly was.