Hey.

So.

This just popped into my head and kinda spiraled out of control. Let's see where it goes… if anywhere…

First some context. This is set AFTER 'The Patakis' that magical unwritten era exploring Helga's teenage hurdles without Arnold in her life anymore. In this story she and the other kids are now… 25. That age where you start to realize your formative years won't really be done for at least another decade.
So yeah.
Oh and they swear now. Kind of a lot.

Chapter 1: Living in a Pataki Paradise

Helga G. Pataki leaned back contentedly in her beach chair, soaking in the warm sunlight as she basked in the glory that was her life.
Despite her tumultuous teenage dramas, she had made it out alive. And now she sat with the best sort of reward she could ever have asked for. She glanced to her left and saw him. Her one true love. One who had left for what had seemed like an eternity and now would never leave her side again.
Around her the winds of ocean waves crashed against the rocks and seagulls cried out some longing tune that naturally sparked her inner poet.
'Living the dream mayhap? Impossible. How can one live the dream when one lives a dream come true! Oh kind fate, blessed Karmic reward that you the universe have bestowed upon this unworthy and yet apparently completely worthy girl. Joining my winding path together at last with the one true soul mate thou hast deigned for me to share in eternal bliss, as a partnership, an intertwined unspoken bond the likes only trashy romance novels could promise…'
Helga took a long swig of her Mai Tai and turned the page of her book.
'Man, this shit is getting good…' she laughed, 'Whaddaya say Arnold, my love? If anything could make our lives any more perfect name it. Name it now. Anything at all, my darling…'
Arnold said nothing in return, and just stared silently upward into the light, no doubt just silently admiring her and worshiping her mere presence.
Yeah. That had to be it.
Helga grinned impishly and tucked down her sunglasses revealing her twinkling eyes staring at him suggestively. She reached over and puckered up her lips, intending to brush them lovingly against him.
'Oh Arnold, you always know just what to say, even if it's nothing at all, my most stalwart football headed love god-'
'Ma'am!' An authoritative voice broke her out of her reverie.
'Gah!' Helga rolled over and fell out of her beach chair and plopped into the sand… or rather the hard linoleum the color of sand.
'Ma'am you can't loiter here…' the mall security guard said firmly, 'Or… be drinking alcohol… while sitting in a store window display…'
Helga glanced around. She felt slightly dazed from her Mai Tai… that she had followed up after four earlier drinks she had downed before 10:00 in the morning.
'Storefront?' She asked, 'I… oh yeah…'
Helga looked around at the other beach goers, who were in fact just mannequins sporting swimsuits in a Ralph Lauren store window at the Hillwood Mall.
'And please, on a personal note stop making sweet talk to that football… you're creeping people out…' the security guard added awkwardly, 'And by people I mean me...'
Helga glanced over at the chair next to where she had been sitting. A football with buttons and some palm fronds gleaned to it in the shape of eyes and hair stared lifelessly back at her.
'It is NOT creepy!' Helga bellowed as she struggled to stand up and stay balanced, drunk off her skinny ass.
'My shrink said this is a perfectly healthy expression of my feelings as long as I don't hurt anyone… like I'm about to do to you!'
Then against her nonexistent judgement in the moment she took a swing at the security guard, but missed him by a good three feet and just fell back down to the cold floor.
The guard signed and gestured to his partner.
'Ma'am, I think you're going to have to come with us…' he said reluctantly.
'MA'AM!?' Helga roared, 'I'll have you know this chick's biological clock still has millions more ticks left in it!'
She glanced around realizing she was now seated in a cell within the mall detention center.
'Yeah… that's what I woulda said in the moment… but I'm a little slow with the witty comebacks today…' she hiccuped, 'For… reasons… damn you, Miriam… I blame you for all of this… man, Olga gets fucking everything… the looks, the talent, the people skills, the lack of alcoholism…'
'Helga?' a familiar but unwelcome voice bellowed.
Helga shot a nasty scowl in the direction of the voice.
'Lard boy…' she hissed.
'Over here…' Harold called out again, 'I think the sound bounces off the walls weird in here.'
Helga snapped her head in his direction successfully this time.
'Harold… you fat asshole…' she growled.
'Helga you crazy ugly bitch…' Harold retorted.
The two of them stared into one another's eyes, daggers flying. Suddenly Helga let loose a huge belly laugh as Harold too started to snicker.
'Aw man… Harold… how the hell are you, man?' Helga laughed, now feeling nostalgic for all the horrible names they used to call one another.
'Running a successful butcher shop specializing in vegan products, don't mean to brag.' Harold grinned, 'Life has been bounteous and full…'
He belched loudly.
'Councilman Green left you his butcher shop and you specialize in… vegan crap?' Helga scoffed, 'What do you even sell these days, anti matter?'
'It's an acquired taste… but hey, so are you.' Harold laughed.
'You're… not phased by my insults anymore… how mature of you…' Helga said quietly, 'I don't like that.'
Harold suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her.
'Sober up Madame Fortress Mommy!'
Helga shoved him off of her and shook her fist.
'I… still have no idea why you ever called me that… but… I really don't wanna sober up… just let me stay in this artificial state of fake happiness please…'
'Helga!' Harold said sternly as he stared her directly in the eyes, 'One of our friends is dead.'

Dun dun dun.

Maybe someday I'll finish 'Pigeon Man is Dead.' That was a case of having too many ideas at once and the story quickly overwhelmed me and got out of hand… as is this one…