A/N: This chapter is a heavy one. Attempted suicide. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.

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Chapter Seven

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"Yes, and thank you for your quickness. Yeah, I feel great. No, I'm ready to be back, don't worry. Yes. Just make sure to have the layout done by Friday. Yeah, we don't want that." Misaki chuckled. "Okay. Yep. Alright. You too. Bye."

He hung up and sank down into the couch. It was his first day "back" and even though he'd hardly left this couch, he was exhausted. Still, he felt better now that he got caught up on some of his work. He was still very behind, but a little progress was better than none.

He glanced at the clock. Usagi said he'd be home around eight, and he was annoyed at himself that he'd been counting down the hours to his return. He hated to admit the calm he felt when Usagi was home.

After they fight about Haruhiko, Misaki thought for sure things would be really awkward between them, but things were as smooth as ever. It was as if Usagi was pretending it wasn't happening. Which he probably was.

Misaki closed his eyes a moment. He just needed to rest them before making his next call. Soon Usagi would be home and he was hoping he wouldn't mind take out because he was far too tired to cook.

He cried as he was forced to his knees. His side screamed where the knife stabbed into him and as he was violently violated, he felt like he might vomit. He heard himself beg the guy to stop. The pain was enough to make him feel like he might blackout, but he wouldn't stop. He just kept going until he grunted, jerking his hips hard, making Misaki cry out once more.

"Misaki, wake up. Wake up."

The voice of an angel shifted the dream, making the horrific staircase shimmer away. He jerked awake but settled when his eyes landed on a concerned Usagi.

"Shit," he said as he sat up, way to fast. His head spun slightly as he eyed the clock. It was nine! "I didn't finish making my calls."

"I think you're done for the day," Usagi said, easing Misaki back. "You told me you wouldn't overdo it."

Too tired to argue, he sat back some. "I didn't make dinner."

"I didn't expect you to. I brought home food."

"You're a mind reader," Misaki said as he eyed the bag. Usagi picked up food from his favorite little dinner that was just fifteen minutes walking distance from here. It was his go-to when he'd lived here before.

"I just know you. Are you okay?" He'd heard Misaki whimper in his sleep and that sound was gut-wrenching.

"Yeah. Just still not one hundred percent." They both knew that he wasn't referring to his health, but Usagi let it slide.

"Hey, so this weekend I have a party thing in Kyoto. I'm hoping you'll come with me? You don't have to go to the party if you're still feeling icky, but the inn I booked is a really nice one."

"Usagi, I know I agreed to stay here, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea."

That hurt, but he brushed it aside. "I know where we stand but I want to make myself clear, just because we aren't dating, doesn't mean I don't care for you, nor does it mean I don't want to spend time with you. I like your company, and I don't want you to sit at home all the time. It's not good for you."

Misaki nodded. He wanted so badly to kiss Usagi at this moment. He was always so hot when he got all serious. That thought made him blush, so he avoided Usagi's gaze. "Yeah. Okay."

Usagi has to adjust himself. Misaki had to stop looking so damn cute or he was going to get a serious case of blue balls. "Good. We will be leaving here Thursday night."

Misaki didn't miss the bulge in Usagi's pants as he stood to go to the table. His own body responded and he felt a familiar lust take over him. He cleared his throat as he watched Usagi put food in his mouth. He knew was it felt like to have those lips around him and god did that imagine make him hard as a rock.

Quickly, he joined Usagi at the table, and together they enjoyed a great meal with a cloud of lust so thick you could cut it with a knife looming between.

Misaki tried to ignore the conversation happening behind him. He was at lunch with friends from work, though he wasn't eating really. He had a hard time deciding if it was due to still feeling off or the conversation he was overhearing.

Apparently, person A's brother came out, and he is utterly grossed out by it. Person B cackled as they made some gay joke that really wasn't even funny, but it sent them both into a fit of laughter. Their entertainment at the expense of the brother continued and now they were talking about ways to make him straight.

Would his own brother react this way? Misaki was ashamed to be like he was, so he never imagined ever actually coming out to anyone, but the idea that Takahiro might react like those two were made him feel sick

Was there anything about him that wasn't shameful? He was dating a guy he hated, living with the guy and can't admit he loves, lying about who he was to everyone, hiding the fact that he was raped, and the little fact that his body reacted to it. Surely he was right in thinking it was punishment.

He felt himself sink deeper into the ever-growing darkness that had him. He wanted to move forward. To stop looking at the past, but he couldn't seem to do it. The past had its claws in him, and the future was too blurry to give him any hope that it would be any better.

He looked down at his phone when it chimed. Haruhiko made plans for tonight. He closed his eyes as the urge to cry hit him. He didn't want to show such sappy emotion in the current company.

After sending Haruhiko a quick reply, he messaged Usagi, letting him know he would be home late. He wasn't sure why he said anything at all, but for some odd reason, he felt better when Usagi knew he was with Haruhiko. Not to hurt him, but because then at least if something happened Usagi had a starting point.

"Misaki?"

Misaki looked up at his coworkers. "Hmm?"

"We are heading back. You staying a little longer?"

"Oh. No, I'll go." He gathered his things, after putting his share of the money in the table.

He hated the eyes that were on him as they headed back. It felt like they knew something and he wasn't sure what. That made him feel exposed, and the idea that any of them even had a clue about what was going on made him want to die.

Usagi stood outside, looking over the city from the balcony. He had lit a cigarette, but so far hadn't taken a puff. He was too busy wondering what Misaki and Haruhiko might be doing.

It made his stomach hurt. He couldn't stand the idea of them together, and yet he couldn't bring himself to put an end to it either. He didn't want to drag Misaki into the family drama.

But wasn't Haruhiko already doing it? Surly once their father finds out what's happening, he would make the same threat. Unlike him, he wasn't sure Haruhiko would care. He cares first and foremost about himself above all.

It wouldn't matter to him what happened to Misaki it only mattered to him that he got what he wanted in the end.

Usagi couldn't make that same choice. His father had threatened Misaki's career. He said he'd make sure Misaki would never find the work he wanted, and the bastard was powerful enough to do so.

Then he took it one step further and showed him the picture he'd had photoshopped. It was of Usagi and Misaki in compromising positions. If Misaki losing his career wasn't enough he would leak the pictures. Then they'd both be ruined. He admitted that Usagi could come back from it, but imagine what it would do to Misaki?

No. That wasn't something he'd risk. Misaki was always so embarrassed about his sexual preference. He wouldn't survive that kind of information being released to the public. Not to mention due to his ties to a famous person? The press would be all over it.

For a moment he entertained the idea of talking with Haruhiko. Tell him what their father threatened and even go so low as to beg him to think of what it might do to Misaki. However, his efforts would be in vain.

Usagi looked at his watch and nearly wanted to scream. It was almost midnight, and Misaki wasn't home yet. Would he end up staying the night there? Were they?

He shook his head, not allowing that thought to settle because it made his blood boil. Thinking about that heartless man touching someone as sweet and good as Misaki? Touching what he felt was his?

"Usagi?" Misaki called out.

Usagi would never say out loud the joy hearing his voice brought. The relief of knowing that at least for the moment, Haruhiko wasn't with him, touching him. That comfort of knowing the one he loved was home, safe for the night.

"Out here," he called back.

"Did you eat? I have food," Misaki said, holding up a bag. "I didn't really eat anything over dinner."

"Why's that?"

Misaki put on the best smile he could. The truth was, he didn't like eating with Haruhiko. "I just wasn't hungry."

"And now? Dinner was hours ago."

"I'll eat if you help me. There's a lot of food here." Did that sound as stupid to Usagi as it did to him? Maybe it was, but he wanted to eat with Usagi.

"Yeah. I'll eat with you." He followed Misaki in, not missing the fact that he looked really down. What had happened?

"Hey, you okay?"Misaki gave him a fake smile as he nodded. Not buying it, he went to him and made him look at him. He was too close, but couldn't make himself move. "You lie."

Misaki pushed him away, though there was no anger behind it. "I'm just having a bad night. Haruhiko can really be pushy." Wait, he hadn't meant to say that.

"What did he do?" He couldn't keep the anger from his tone. "Did he hurt you? Force you to do anything?"

"No. Don't worry it's nothing of importance. Just…I can't go to your party this weekend. He booked us time away." He didn't want to go. Really he didn't.

Usagi's heart sank some. He was looking forward to having Misaki all to himself in a place where he could really relax. "That's okay. Don't worry about it." His response seemed to ease some of the tension coming off him.

"Really, are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's not ideal, but it's not something you need to stress over."

"Okay. Good. Let's eat."

He was piss drunk as Takeo helped him into his house. He wasn't worried that Misaki would be home because he messaged him earlier informing him he had a date and would be home late. The idea of Misaki being with Haruhiko angered him to the point of madness.

So when Takeo offered him out to drinks, he went intending to get drunk. Mission accomplished. As they got in, both giggled like school girls trying to remove their shoes. The problem with alcohol is it always made him horny, so he was drunk, horny, and pissed.

So he let Takeo kiss him as they both undressed, leaving a clothes trail to the couch. They both laughed as he hit the side of the couch, tripping him and both of them falling onto it in one tangled heap.

"I didn't think you'd invite me back," Takeo said between kisses placed on Unami's neck. He was so glad that he did though. That first night with him had been amazing.

Usami said nothing as his thoughts shifted to Misaki. He was doing this as payback. He knew that and knew when he was no longer drunk and sexed-up, he would regret it. But right now, it felt too good to stop. Besides, how did he know Misaki wasn't doing the same thing?

No, he wouldn't think about that, not now. No, now he could pretend Misaki was here. It wasn't Takeo's lips on his skin, it as Misaki's. It wasn't Takeo's hands touching him, it was Misaki's. "Oh god," he moaned as Takeo mouth found his cock. Yes. More. Please more, Misaki.

He wasn't sure what he was thinking when he agreed to go on a date with Aki, but it was too late to back out now. He was still feeling a bit off, but he'd been fever free for two days now.

He'd even told her he was still getting over the flu, but she insisted. So he agreed. Why not? He was already dating Haruhiko when he didn't want to be, so why not date her? It was only dinner after all.

Besides, she was nice and easy to talk to. Dinner was pleasant and she talked about her family and her sister. Things got a little sad when she brought up her older sister and how she passed a few years back.

He told her about his parents, but he didn't say much on the subject. It was a painful memory, and the fact that he still felt like his own fault didn't help. He didn't tell her that part. It was just too hard to admit.

"You want to come back to my place?"

Misaki stood there a moment, thinking it through. She seemed so sweet and innocent, and he bet that bashful look brought men to their knees. Should he be turned on now? If he were normal, would he want her?

On a whim, he agreed to it. Screw it. He might as well have sex with a woman. He felt a little reckless as he followed her into her house, but that was his mood he guessed. Reckless was better then all the other shit he'd been feeling.

He was nervous, unsure how he would proceed. Usagi usually took control. He wished he had the confidence to take control, but he really loved it when Usagi was in control, so it worked out for them both.

However, Aki was happy to take control of the situation. They made out for a while, and now she straddled his lap, smiling before taking his lips with hers again.

He found kissing her pleasant. Her lip gloss was flavored. Watermelon he believed. Usagi's kiss was preferable. It always stirred something inside of him, intoxicating him with erotic pleasure.

She was soft. As his hands rested on her sides, he couldn't help but appreciate how soft she was. Her kiss was soft too. She had a delicacy about her. She was soft, warm and she moved her hips in a sexy way, so then why did she do nothing for him?

He wasn't dumb and knew where she wanted this to go, and in his slightly drunken state, he wanted that too, but his cock stayed soft. He tried. Really he wanted too. But…Nothing.

"Is something the matter?" She asked when he stopped kissing her. She reached for him, lush in her eyes, but he stopped her.

"Nothing with you. I'm just still feeling I'll."

She looked put out but smiled. "That's okay. Would you like to watch a movie? Or sit by the fire and talk a while?"

"No, I best get going." Misaki stood, hating himself. Why couldn't he get it up? What was broken inside him that this beautiful woman before him did nothing for him? She was so soft and lean. Her breast were of decent size, and her lips would likely make most men crumble to their knees. And here he was, limp.

"Okay," she replied. He could tell that she was down, but she stayed pleasant as they exchanged goodbyes.

He was sickened with himself as he walked home, his heart full of turmoil. He was gay. The truth he'd been trying so hard not to look too closely at was there. Right in front of his face to the point where he couldn't ignore it anymore. Aki did nothing for him.

He could appreciate her beauty, sure. She was beautiful and he knew that a straight man would look twice as she walked by, but if he looked twice it wouldn't be because he was sexually attracted to her. He mused as he walked, thinking back to his teenhood. Had a woman ever turned him on?

He couldn't think of one time when one had. He couldn't recall ever masturbating to a woman either. He didn't do it to men, but at the time, he didn't think he'd think too. Until Usagi, he had assumed he was straight and just hadn't found the right woman yet.

He didn't want to be gay. It was a sin, wasn't it? Looked down upon. Got you laughed at and bullied. People didn't like anything that went against the status quo.

He felt the shame spread as he thought about all this. He was being punished. That's why he was raped. He was shameful. He hated it. Hated himself. He hated that he wanted nothing more than for Usagi to touch him. He hated how safe he felt in Usagi's house. Hated that when he was with Usagi, being gay didn't seem so bad.

The fact that Usagi was at home was the only thing moving him forward at this point. Anytime they were together the darkness that seemed to be creeping in was pushed back, and some sunshine was able to warm him. Even if it was for just that moment, he would take it.

Just now he felt like an addict jonesing for his next hit. He needed some of the warmth Usagi offered. Needed to feel like he could breathe, even if it was for just a short while.

He practically ran into the apartment. It was a silly feeling, but he had to… His brows pulled together as he looked down at the clothes on the floor. Already knowing what he would find at the end of that trail, he followed it, heart sinking. He found them on the couch, Takeo's mouth on Usagi's cock.

He'd meant to leave silently, but he knocked into the lamp, sending it crashing. He shook as he stood there, both eyes on him. "Sorry, I was just leaving." He bolted, not wanting Usagi to see his tears.

He was numb as he stood at the gates of Haruhiko's mansion. It was like he could no longer feel his body, and it was on autopilot. Soon, he found himself in the house and in Haruhiko's room. He heard him ask what was wrong, but he couldn't seem to respond.

Why was he even here? He didn't want to be. He didn't want to be with Haruhiko, but somehow, he had ended up here.

"Come here," Haruhiko said, pulling Miski to him. "I've got you. Whatever it is, I'm here."

At some point, Haruhiko started to kiss him, and he didn't resist. He didn't care to. So what if Haruhiko hissed him? What did it really matter? So, he kissed him back.

"I want you," Haruhiko said after a while. His hands were already unbuttoning Misaki's pants as he spoke, "Please, let me have you."

Misaki once again said nothing, and when Haruhiko kissed him again, he kissed him back. He couldn't help but compare him to Usagi. Usagi's kisses were nicer. His lips fuller. Not to mention, the pacing of the kiss was better.

Haruhiko moaned some as he grabbed Misaki's cock. "You're already hard for me," he whispered, his tone lustful.

Misaki froze. He was hard. He was turned on by Haruhiko. He couldn't stop the tears that blurred his vision. What was broken in him that Haruhiko turned him on? No. No No No No!

"No!" he cried out as he struggled out of Haruhiko's lap. He grabbed his fallen pants and quickly redid them.

"Misaki!" Haruhiko called after him. He hadn't meant to make him afraid. He wasn't trying to force him. Damn, he'd gone too far.

"Have you heard from Misaki?" Usagi asked the second Takahiro had opened the door. It was now five in the afternoon on the following day and he was starting to panic.

"No, I thought he was staying with you? Have you not seen him?"

"Not since last night, and he was not doing great when he left."

"Did you guys get into a fight?" Takahiro asked as they sat.

How the hell could he answer that? No, we didn't fight, but he did walk in on me getting a blowjob, and it broke his heart. That look on Misaki's face. How could he ever forget that look? That shocked, heartbroken expression? He'd tried to follow after Misaki right away, but Takeo wouldn't let him. They ended up fighting, and Takeo left unhappy.

He hit up Haruhiko first and was informed that he missed him by minutes. After trying once again to reach his cell, he tried his job, the building was locked, so if he was in there he wouldn't know. He went home, waiting up for him, but he never showed. By eight in the morning, he was back at Marukawa books, but Misaki never showed for work. That's when fear set in.

"I'm worried Takahiro. Misaki…He hasn't been doing great mentally."

Takahiro gave him a bewildered expression. "What do you mean?"

"He went through something. I can't say what, it's not my place, but it's put him in a bad place. And I…"What had he done? How dumb could he be? He should have known Misaki seeing that would have hurt him. It's just, at that moment, he was hurting too and he didn't care. What was wrong with him.

"Usagi?"

He stood. "I have to find him. I'll fo back to his job and see if he showed up."

"Wait, what are you thinking he would do? Do you think he would hurt himself?" That made him worry. How had he not realized his own brother was hurting?

"I really hope not."

He couldn't do it anymore. He sat, looking out over the water. As he wondered after leaving Haruhiko, he thought of the last time he was happy, and it was here. Usagi had taken him here on vacation, and they sat here looking over the water below. People often cliffed dived here, something he wouldn't consider because the waves below were rough, and while he could swim, he wasn't a strong swimmer.

However, as the sun faded into the horizon, and the water darkened, it somehow seemed to beckon him. The darkness of the water matched the darkness he felt inside. He couldn't escape it anymore. The thoughts, the pain. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop.

Between the nightmares and Haruhiko? The struggle of knowing he liked guys and hating it. Why? Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just be happy? Why did he have to be this broken person who is forever stuck in darkness?

How could he go on like this? Sometimes it was hard just to breathe. And the nightmares? They never stopped. They were never going to stop. Haruhiko was never going to stop. Even when that five-month timeline was up, he wouldn't stop. And Usagi, his last spark of light was now a sharp shard of glass.

He sat here all day, trying to stitch himself back together, but he was still mangled. He couldn't seem to put the pieces back. They were too small and sharp. He hurt too bad. He felt shattered and was tired. So tired. Every day he fought to stay above the water, but he was so tired. So damn tired of pretending to be stronger then he felt.

The scenery around him seemed to fade away more and more as he sat here. At first, it was just the noises around him. They started dimming more and more until he heard nothing. The color seemed to come next. It was like he could see the color, but it was dull and it continued to drain away until it was gone. His body felt disconnected from his surroundings. Like he was there, but he wasn't.

Soon, the only two things he knew for sure was that the dark water beckoned him, and he wanted to go to it. He'd been fighting the urge, he wasn't sure for how long, but suddenly, he didn't know why he should fight it. What was left here? All he had was pain and suffering.

He was so alone. So alone even in a room full of people. Even when he was with people he trusted he felt afraid. He would never be able to have sex again. He couldn't without finding himself back in the stairwell. He was alone and cold and so tired.

He shook as he stood, but it wasn't out of fear. It was relief. Every step closer to the edge felt oddly reassuring. It was all going to be okay. He wouldn't be alone much longer. He would no longer be haunted. He would no longer have to hide the fact that he was desperately in love with his brother's best friend. He would no longer feel ashamed. He was going to be free.

Never again would he find himself on that stairwell, so scared he could scarcely move. The mixture of piss and beer would never be recalled again. Soon, he would never remember again what it was like to be raped and stabbed, then being left for dead.

He paused at the edge, looking down. In the dark of night, he couldn't see the bottom, but he knew that was the way out. That was the way to stop it all. He smiled as he threw himself off the cliff. His last thought was he was so happy to end it, but then why did he scream?

"He never showed. We've been trying to call him all day. It's not like him," Masamune said, worry in his eyes.

"Shit. I don't know where else to look!" He banged his fist on the desk nearest him. "Miski."

"Have you tried tracking his phone?" Ritsu asked from behind him.

"What?"

"He has an iPhone provided by the company. We need good phones to stay connected. Anyway, there are trackers on them. If it's on, there's a good chance you can track his phone."

They all gathered around Ritsu as he worked magic on the computer. Within ten minutes Usagi knew where Misaki was and he felt so relieved he grabbed Ritsu's face and planted a kiss on his lips. "I owe you one, kid!" he called as he ran from the room.

Misaki was at the cliffs. He'd taken him there not long before they broke things off. Why was he there? He had to shake his head as fear settled in. No. No, he wouldn't. Would he? Oh please. Please no.

"Wait for me, Misaki!" he said to no one. That was it. He swore that things would change here and now. He was an idiot to allow things to stay off between them. He would explain himself. Explain why he broke things off, and beg him to come back to him because he couldn't take it anymore.

He was out the door the moment his car was off. He knew the general location, but now he had to find Misaki and there was just a hint of sunlight left.

He ran full out. He wanted to call out to him, but he was afraid if he did, Misaki would run from him, and he didn't want that. Please don't do anything stupid, he begged in his head.

Ten minutes of searching and he still couldn't find him. He shook from fear, anxiety numbing his hands. Or maybe that was the lack of oxygen as he exerted himself. He was never much of a runner. He gave himself a moment to catch his breath before starting off again.

He turned the corner and stopped dead. Misaki was on the edge of the cliff looking over the water. People jumped there, but those people were serious adrenalin junkies and were good swimmers. "Misaki!" he cried as he ran forward. Shit, he was still too far away!

"Misaki!" he cried again as he ran for him. "Misaki!"

"Nooooooooo!" he screamed as Misaki flung himself from the cliff. He thought nothing of it as he reached the edge and dived in after him.

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I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D