A/N: So sorry for the loner then usual wait. This past week we celebrated my baby sisters twenty-first birthday (she's eight years younger then me, she will always be a baby lol) and dealt the anniversary of my grandpas passing. Unfortunately, both takes place on the same day. But I had a lot of fun planning her small party and introducing her to a few drink. We had Malibu Sunsets, Grasshoppers, Butterbeer, PB&J shots and chocolate cake shots. We used small cups for the cocktails so no one got too wasted lol. Anyway, now that I've shared my life story, I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

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Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.

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Chapter Nine

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"How are you feeling today?" Aria asked. She sat across from him, her face passive and her presence oddly calming.

Misaki shrugged. "Better. Maybe."

The past four days honestly felt like some crazy dream. Like he'd been an outsider looking in and watched himself go off the deep end.

Aria shifted slightly. Misaki wasn't talking. This was their third session, and still, he only responded when asked a question and always the answers were short if at all. "I am here to help you, Misaki. However, I am only as helpful as you allow me to be."

He knew that. Today, he felt like maybe he could talk some, but it was odd talking with a stranger about such privet things.

"I don't know how to start."

"Okay. So maybe we should address the biggest thing. The rape."

He felt a wave of fear hit him, but he nodded. "What do you want to know?"

"How do you feel about it?"

He looked at her, expecting to see a pity expression, but her eyes held nothing but compassion. "I feel broken. Used. Like, how could I let this happen?"

"Did you let it happen?" She went on when he looked at her blankly. "When he approached you, did you ask for it?"

"No. I asked him to stop. Begged him not too."

"So, then you did everything you could to not let it happen. It's easy to place blame on ourselves in these kinds of situations, but the only person to blame is the rapist."

Misaki's eyes watered as the scene played in his mind. "I'm sick. He…I…I'm broken and sick."

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because I." His throat felt like it was being squeezed, making it hard to get the words out. "Can I have that water now?" He asked referring to the water he'd refused when he arrived.

"Certainly," Aria replied as she rose. She pulled out the water, giving it to him before sitting. "Take your time."

"I liked it." He whispered a little while later.

"You liked it?" She repeated, needing him to elaborate.

"I didn't want him to do it. Really I didn't, but I got hard and I." He closed his eyes not wanting to see the disgust in hers when he said it. "I orgasmed."

"Yes. That can be traumatic as well. You didn't want it, yet you reached climax anyway. That doesn't mean you enjoyed it. Our bodies are biologically made for sex. It should come at no surprise for it to respond accordingly. It's no different than any other body function that works as intended."

"So, it's not uncommon for.."

"No. It's actually more common then one might think. There's no shame in how you responded. It's natural."

"I thought I was being punished." He spoke slowly as he processed. He wasn't out of the ordinary? It's happened to others too?"

"What on earth did you think you were being punished for?"

He was hesitant, but figured all his dirty laundry was already on the table, so why not add more? "Because I like guys."

"Why would you be punished for that?"

"It's gross. It's unnatural. It's against what should be." He looked down at his hands now. "It's just not right."

Aria closed her eyes just for a moment. This poor boy. "Homosexuality is found in nature. What can be more normal than that?"

She waited for him to look at her before continuing. "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

Misaki thought of Usagi. Somehow it was funny using the term boyfriend when what they had seemed like so much more than that. "To a point."

"And do you find this man repulsive? Unnatural? Disgusting?"

"What? No. He's amazing. Maybe a little selfish and eccentric, but he's perfect. Why would I find.." He stopped when he understood. How could he feel these things about himself for being gay, and not apply those feelings to anyone like him?

He never felt these things towards Usagi though. Never once did he think him disgusting or unnatural. Then why did he feel this way? Why feel so much hate towards himself?

"I never thought about it like that before."

"It's easy to be hard on ourselves. Easy to forgive others for things we find hard to forgive ourselves for. Being gay might not be an easy road. There are those who are against it, but that's their problem, not yours."

"But my brother?"

"He will either accept you for who you are, or he won't. It will hurt if he can't accept you, but that's an obstacle that can be overcome. Those who truly love you will accept you no matter what."

They sat silently for a while. Technically the session was twenty minutes past appointment, but she didn't mind. It was cutting into personal time, so she didn't have to end it just yet.

"Will I ever be able to have sex again?"

"It might take some time, but when you're with someone you trust, I think you can. There are things you can do to help with the anxiety that comes with fear. However, there isn't any need to force yourself. How is self-pleasure?"

Now he blushed, looking away. She couldn't help but smile for just a moment. Sometimes he seemed older than his years, other times, he seemed younger. He reminded her of Takahiro when they were young. He too was easily flustered.

"It's not good. I get, you know, turned on. But the moment I try to do anything it goes away."

"That's where you should start then. Get comfortable with self-pleasure again. Remember, you did nothing wrong, and reaching climax is a natural biological reaction to sex. It does not mean that you enjoyed it. Also, I want you to accept who you are. That is your homework. I want you to write in a journal every day, everything and anything. But I want you to focus on acceptance and forgiveness. Accept who you are and what happened, and forgive yourself for doing what you're biologically made to do. Also, work on that self-pleasure. It's important to reconnect with your sexuality before trying to have sex again."

"How's lunch?" Takahiro asked feeling so odd. Misaki was released from the hospital today, and Manami cooked him a huge meal. He was glad to finally be able to see him, but with all his new knowledge, things felt strange.

He wanted to ask Misaki what was happening. What had made him do what he did. He wanted to ask about Usagi too. Neither of those seemed like a good idea. So instead, they ate lunch in awkward silence.

"Fine," Misaki replies after a minute. He looked up and smiled. "Thank you, Manami."

"Think nothing of it, she replied with a smile. She looked between the two of them and wanted to smack her husband. She understood he had questions, but right now they weren't important and he kept staring at Misaki as if he were an alien.

"Do you plan on staying with us?" She figured she might as well come right out and ask. "Or are you going back to Usagi's?"

"I get to make that choice?"

"Yeah of course. We have no problem with you staying here. We'd love to have you. After everything, we want to be sure that you're safe and doing well. However, if you prefer to stay with Usagi's, then we will support that too."

Misaki felt a little better after hearing that. He'd assumed he'd be forced to stay here, but he really did want to go home. He'd been going crazy not being allowed to see Usagi.

He felt sick over what he'd done, and the sounds of Usagi's screams as he jumped haunted him.

"I appreciate you offering me to stay here, but if it doesn't offend, I would really like to go to Usagi's. My stuff is there already after all.

Takahiro fought from saying what was on his mind. He just wished Misaki trusted him enough with the truth. "That's fine then. After lunch, I'll drive you over.

"I can walk."

"No, that's okay. I'd rather take you myself." He didn't trust Misaki to be on his own. Not yet. Not until he understood what was happening in his brother's head.

Usami yawned as he started down the stairs. He'd just finished his shower and he needed a quick brunch before…He stopped halfway down the stairs when he spotted Misaki.

"Misaki?" He'd been told that Misaki was released from the hospital, but he hadn't realized he'd see him today.

"I let myself in. I hope that's okay."

Usagi nearly fell to his knees. Hearing Misaki's voice was such a relief. Having him stand there, those green eyes staring up at him. Seeing him. He hadn't realized just how much he'd needed this. To see for himself that Misaki was still alive.

"It's fine." He finished his descent, stopping a few feet away from him. "Are you here to stay?" He wanted to hold him. He ached to have Misaki in his arms. To caress him, feeling him close.

"If that's still okay," Misaki replied shyly. He was afraid Usagi wouldn't want him around. Who would want someone around who was so damaged? Wait, he wasn't supposed to think of himself like that anymore.

"You silly boy. Don't you see? Don't you understand?" Usagi ran a hand over his face.

Misaki looked at him with puzzled eyes. "Huh?"

"It will always be okay. My home will always be your home."

"Thank you," Misaki replied as he headed to the stairs. There was so much he wanted to say, but at the moment, he wasn't brave enough.

"Misaki, wait. Please I have something to say." He waited as Misaki backtracked and at Usagi's request, sat next to him.

"I made a mistake. When I broke up with you. I thought it was the right thing to do. It was the hardest thing to do, and you seemed to accept it so easily I didn't realize…I wanted to protect you. That's why I ended things. I foolishly hoped you would fight me on it, and then I'd have no choice but to let you stay, but I never should have broken up with you. My life without you is just too hard."

"What were you trying to protect me from?" Wasn't that his reason too? He'd left to protect Usagi.

Usagi took a deep breath before explaining his father's threats. The fact that he'd stop at nothing and how he was sure his threats weren't empty. His dad was good at getting what he wanted. There was a reason he ran away from home after all.

Misaki let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and bewilderment. Soon, that sound turned into full-on laughter. That hysterical kind that came from deep within.

Usagi was unsure how to react to this. While he was thrilled to see Misaki laugh like this, and kinda wanted to join in, he was unsure this was actually happening because Misaki found something funny. He couldn't see what was this funny about their conversation.

"I'm sorry," Misaki said, whipping the tears from his eyes. "It's not funny." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath as he pulled himself together. "Sorry," he said again when he was calm. "It's just, I left to protect you from your father. He gave me similar scenarios as to why I should break things off with you."

Usagi felt rage for his father. That son of a bitch. "So, you left to protect me? That's why you accepted it so easily?"

"Yeah. I felt like it was the perfect timing. It had been weighing on my mind. When you first suggested it I was shocked, hurt, and confused, but figured I should just go with it. It was better after all."

Usagi stood and lit a cigarette. Where did this put them? If both only broke things off to protect the other. "Do you still love me?"

Misaki blushed at the question. This was still so hard for him. He did however nod, hoping that was enough for now.

"Do you understand what being with me can mean for you? My father, he's not playing around. He really could do those things."

Misaki took some time to think about it. It would really suck to lose his job. And the idea of pictures like that getting out, photoshopped or not really made him feel sick. But, he looked up at Usagi who was purposefully looking elsewhere, this man was worth the risk.

"Do you understand that I'm broken? That I'm unwell? That I'm tainted and unsure if I'll ever be okay again?"

Usagi dropped to his knees in front of him. He started to reach out to touch him but stopped. "I don't believe any of those things. You're not broken or tainted. You're hurting and afraid and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with anything you are because I love you. I love you so god damn much it's terrifying.

His eyes burned with tears as he struggled to speak."Shit. When I saw you go over. When I thought that I was going to lose you. I can't even begin to describe those feelings. That sickening feeling deep in my gut. I thought…I though I was going to lose you forever."

Misaki pulled Usagi to him, hugging him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He was trying not too, but tears of his own came. "I'm so sorry," he said in a sob.

"I hurt so much. I feel so ashamed and sick. I've been so cold and alone. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to be okay and every night I dream of that damn stairwell and all I can think is how ugly I must be to anyone who knows." He wanted to say more but he was cut off by a wave of sorrow that brought more tears.

Usagi held him as he spoke. He couldn't always hear what Misaki was saying because his face was pressed into his chest, but he didn't mind. He closed his eyes and held his lover in his arms. Misaki held on to him for dear life.

"You're perfect," He kept saying over and over. For every bad thing Misaki said, Usagi replied with that. Because none of those things mattered and none of them were true. He was perfect.

After a while, Misaki calmed but didn't pull away. He didn't want too. Usagi's scent made him feel safe and his arms made him feel warm. He wasn't sure how he'd ever move.

"Usagi?"

"Yeah?"

"Does this means I'm yours again?"

Usagi couldn't help that is cock twitched at that question, but he ignored that and focused on the fact that his heart squeezed with delight as well. "I want you to be mine again. If you let me be yours."

Misaki nodded. "I never stopped being yours." He was so glad Usagi couldn't see his face because he knew it was red.

Usagi shifted, making Misaki look at him. "You are going to be the death of me if you keep blushing like that."

"I can't help it," Misaki replied, bashfully.

Unable to fight it any longer, Usagi leaned in and kissed him. It was supposed to be a light quick kiss but the moment his lips touched Misaki's, all sense of control was gone he pulled Misaki as close as he could and when Misaki returned the kiss, he felt dizzy with need.

"More," Misaki said when Usagi went to pull away. He wanted, no needed more. In the heat of passion, it no longer mattered that they were both guys. The seemingly relentless thoughts that pestered him daily seemed to melt away in Usagi's strong arms.

Usagi gave him more, kissing him deeper, and when Misaki slipped his tongue into his mouth he couldn't stop the moan. Oh god, he was so hot and ready, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't allow himself to make any advances. It would all have to be at Misaki's pace.

This. This is what he'd been missing, Misaki thought as he straddled Usagi's lap. This kiss. Anyone can kiss. Everyone he'd ever kissed had been good at it. They all had a few good moves that made the kissing nice. But this? God this was more than a kiss. This was an exchange between two people who simply can't put their feeling into words. This was an intimacy that he'd never shared with another person. As they kissed, they were in perfect harmony, as they said everything that needed to be said in kiss form.

"Oh god," Misaki said as he pulled away slightly. He was so hard it hurt. He throbbed with need, but he wasn't ready yet. He…just not yet. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for things to get so hot and heavy." He breathed as he put his forehead to Usagi's.

"It's okay," Usagi replied, lust deepening his voice. "God your so cute."

That was so sexy. His lusty voice. Usagi could almost make him cum just by speaking dirty scenarios into his ear. He shivered at the memory of it. "Will you excuse me?"

When Usagi nodded, Misaki bolted to his room. Aria has said when the mood struck, and boy did it strike, to try and self-pleasure. He'd worried for a moment that it might be too soon, but he shook his head, ridding himself of the negative thought.

He laid on the bed and thought of Usagi. He thought about the way his hands touched him, caressing his skin. The way he would kiss him until he was crazy with need and then start kissing down his body, each kiss placed strategically. He could almost feel Usagi's lips on his skin as he took his cock in his hand and started pleasuring himself.

In his mind, Usagi was kissing his thighs, something that made him ached to be touched, making him nearly beg for Usagi to suck him. Usagi knew this well and would drive him to madness before taking him into his mouth and working him slowly, carefully driving him close to the edge before pulling back, keeping him close but not go over

"Fuck," Misaki whispered as he worked himself, his hips jerked as he was build closer to climax. His vision shifted to Usagi licking up the bottom of his cock before sucking him back into his mouth with a moan, and that had him orgasming. He let out a quiet cry of relief as he ejaculated.

As he laid there catching his breath he couldn't help but smile some. That was the first time he'd been able to orgasm since…Well since the rape, and damn he felt so freaking relieved.

Usami was furious as Misaki explained why he was seeing Haruhiro. That brother of his truly was nasty work. The asshole had no decency. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"It wasn't your problem, it was mine." Not to mention he was too confused and lost to really deal with the situation. It was easier to just go with it. But he was done with that now. He couldn't believe how clear-minded he was now. It felt like he'd bee surrounded by a thick cloud of smoke, but now that smoke was lifted.

He wasn't healed. No, he was far from it. He was still standing on shaky ground, but at least now he felt like he could see. While the ground beneath him shook, his path forward was clear.

"I'll take care of it for you. You'll never have to look at him again."

"No," Misaki said, shaking his head at the look in Usagi's eyes. He was always the jealous type. "This is something I must do for myself. I need to face my own problems."

"You don't have to face your problems on your own. You know that, right?" Usami wanted to hold him again but decided better than to reach out to him. It was like he was afraid to touch him. He wanted to go at Misaki's pace, and he wasn't sure what was okay.

"I know I don't have to face them alone. I'm not asking you to butt out. I'm just asking you to stand beside me instead of in front. This way if the problem is too much, you'll be there to help me."

Usami smiled, taking Misaki's hand. "I'll always stand by you. No matter the problem." How strange this was? Them talking and acting like a couple. He freaking loved it.

"Okay. So I'm going to go deal with that, and when I get back, I'll make dinner."

"You don't have to do that. We can order in." His heart hammered in his chest. "And you don't have to deal with Haruhiko just yet. You just got home, there's no need to push yourself."

Misaki put his hand on Usagi's cheek, much to his surprise. "I'm not pushing myself. I promise. This is something I strongly feel needs to be done now." He stood, hesitated a moment before kissing Usagi's cheek. "Be home before dark."

Usagi put his hand over the place where Misaki kissed. He…was shocked. Misaki was never comfortable with that kind of intimacy. Shit, he thought as he stood, feeling his cheeks flush. Didn't that just warm him right the hell up? He almost felt like a schoolgirl.

"Misaki, I'm surprised to see you. When did you get out?" Haruhiko asked as he sat across from Misaki. He was thrilled to see that he was doing okay. He'd been really worried, and Akihiko wasn't keeping in informed.

"This morning," Misaki replied then took a sip of his drink.

"Oh? Were you anxious to see me?"

"Yes. But not for the reasons you'd hope for. I'm ending this. I told Usagi everything and we are both prepared for whatever you decide to do." Man the idea of papa Usagi finding out they were together made him sick, but this was what needed to be done.

"Oddly confident."

He felt confident. It was such an odd feeling. "I just know what I want now, and it's not you. It never was. It's him. It's always been him."

Haruhiko's jaw clenched. "So you get your happy ending. How cute." It stung. That was for sure. He wanted Misaki to love him. Really he did.

"I don't know what our future holds, but I do know I'm better when he's in it." He'd never said it before, but as he spoke the words the truth sank in. Usagi made him better, and his future was brighter if they were together.

"Are you prepared to go public then?"

That made his stomach roll. He wasn't. He wasn't ready for anyone else to know. He didn't know how he could handle that. He was still coming to terms with everything himself.

He said nothing as panic started to settle. How could he bare everyone knowing how disgusting….

Aria's words cut off his thoughts. "Do you think he's disgusting?"

She'd asked that after he told her he thought he was disgusting for being gay. No. No Usagi was beautiful. There was nothing gross about him. So then?

"I don't want to go public. I'd like my personal life to stay privet. But as long as I have Usagi, I can bear it."

"And what of his career?"

He'd been worried about that. Still did, but Usagi insists that this won't do the damage others are hoping it would. "He's prepared too."

Haruhiko sighed. He'd lost. Again. "Go. I don't want to see you anymore. Besides, our little game was getting boring anyway."

He smiled. As he walked away from the mansion, he smiled so big it hurt. He was free. Free from that horrible comment, and he couldn't be more relieved!

It was kinda amazing how they just feel into a comfortable routine over the next few weeks. Both were busy with work, Usagi's new book was coming out, and Misaki's return to work was unsurprisingly hectic. This left little time to spend together, though it also meant that the time the managed to have together was precious to them, though sometimes a bit awkward.

Misaki was not blind to the fact that Usagi was afraid of him. No him, but afraid to touch him, or be too forward. If there was kissing or touching, it was Misaki who had to make the first move. He understood why, and couldn't blame Usagi, but he missed the old Usagi. The one who would reach out and touch him for no reason. The one who would push him against the wall and kiss him until he was breathless. The Usagi who would pull him into his lap and nuzzle his neck just because he wanted to breathe him in.

He'd wanted to approach the subject a few times, but managed to chicken out whenever the opportunity presented itself. It was because he was unsure if he could handle the advances. He wanted to think that because it was Usagi he wouldn't freak out, but how could he be sure? Would it make things worse if Usagi made advances and he freaked out? Maybe he could as Aria about it.

He was the first one home today, which was surprising given the hour. Though the parties did tend to run over and Usagi had to go to this one. He got out of as many promotional parties as he could, but that was part of the business.

Felling the emptiness of the main house, he decided to shower. He thought about his day and the fact that he still couldn't get in touch with one of his authors. He would have to try again first thing. Also the release of the Usagi manga, that's what he called it, was happening soon. After months of work, it seemed a little unreal that it was finally happening.

His shower was cut short due to his phone ringing, though given that it was Nanami, he didn't mind. She tended to call him once a week since his suicide attempt to check on him. It was nice actually. She was always fun to talk with and since she would usually be the one to do most of the talking, it was easy. A bonus? Unlike his brother, who would always prod him with questions about his mental and emotional wellbeing, she would simply ask are you well? Then let it be.

The one time he'd told her he was feeling emotional, and she asked if he wanted to talk about it. When he said he didn't, he figured she press, but all she did was say that she would listen if he changed his mind, then went on to talk about her adventure of becoming a mother.

It was truly nice to have a friend like that. Someone who wouldn't pry but reassured him they would always listen. He also enjoyed hearing about her pregnancy. It was amazing the process of growing a child. Pregnancy was something he would never experience. Not that he himself wants too, but he would never have a wife who would go through it.

"Did you get the pictures?" Nanami asked excitedly.

Misaki had her on speaker as he dried his hair. "Yea, this time you can actually tell it's a baby," he laughed thinking of the first sonogram she'd sent him. That one was a little hard to make out. But each time she sent him one, it was more and more formed.

Nanami laughed. "I can't believe it's almost time. It's crazy! Oh, and I have some pretty big news. Eli and I decided to move to Japan! His family wants to expand their business and we decided to be the ones to take over the project. We will only be an hour away!"

Misaki smiled. He was truly happy to hear that news. He didn't realize until that moment how much he missed her. Strange how he could miss someone he had only known a short while. "That's amazing, we will have to get together when you guys get settled."

"Absolutely, we plan to be there and settled before the baby is born. We weren't supposed to move for a few more months, but we decided it would be easier to be there and ready before the baby is born. "

They chatted for about twenty more minutes before she had to go. They said their goodbyes, and just as he hung up Usagi messaged him, Hey, going to be another hour or so. Got roped into the after-party before I could escape. Don't worry, I'm saying hi and then leaving. Be home as soon as I can. Love you.

Misaki's heart skipped a beat at Usagi's, love you. He wasn't sure why, but seeing or hearing it always made him feel flustered. He replied with a quick, Okay, be here when you get home. He thought about adding, love you too, but decided not too. He would have to get used to saying it though. Why did it make him so uneasy?

He started towards his room but realized he didn't want to be in there. He didn't want to be in the main house either. He was feeling lonely tonight for some reason. Maybe because he'd had a stressful day. With a sigh, he went into Usagi's room. He told himself he would hang out in here for an hour, then go into the living room and wait for Usagi.

He felt a little silly as he laid on the bed and snuggled the bear that was there. He hadn't been in here since before he left almost three years before, but it looked the same. It was so comforting, the sameness. And it smelt like Usagi in here. With a sigh he relaxed some, his thoughts pleasant as he drifted off to sleep.

At first, Usami though Misaki was gone. He'd searched the whole house and he wasn't there. He decided he'd give him a call after he changed. He wanted out of the suit.

He walked into his room, pausing when he saw him Misaki was fast asleep, snuggled up to the bear, looking so peaceful.

His heart squeezed with happiness. It seemed kinda silly to be happy about Misaki seeking comfort in his bed, but he was so happy it made him feel giddy.

He took off the suit jacket and threw it over the chair before sitting on the bed. He debated on whether or not he should wake him. He decided not too. Misaki did sleep too well, so when he seemed this peaceful, how could he?

After a few more minutes of watching him, he decided to take a shower and join him in bed. As he showered he worried that it would upset Misaki, but he wasn't going to try anything. He wouldn't even hold him close like he desperately wanted too. He would just sleep.

He also took care of himself while in the shower, remembering how Misaki felt. His skin was so soft and the way he moved, keeping pace with him perfectly. The sound he made, so erotic that he could almost get off on the sounds alone.

Once done, he quickly got into bed. It was hard to fight the urge to pull Misaki close, but he'd keep his hands to himself. If didn't matter that this distance he forced himself to keep was driving him mad. He would wait however long he had to wait. His Misaki was with it.

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I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D