on equal terms

A/N: I want to think I'm back to my roots of writing sad adults because I already am one. This took a lot longer than expected, and this entire fic may take even longer.

Feedback is always appreciated, thanks for reading!

Genma notices sixteen things when he is allowed to stay past morning.

Post-war. Mild AU. A ninja and a samurai try the "lovers" thing, hoping for things to go awry.

Samurai are tricky, Genma knows. They're different from ninja; their philosophies, their methods, their beliefs, and especially their wealth. There's a perfectly good reason why nobles prefer the company of high-bred samurai than the best ninja any of the Hidden Villages have to offer. Samurai live to protect and defend until their dying breath, and they wear their loyalty like bright, golden collars for the whole world to see. Ninja are different. Ninja are sneaky assassins and effective spies, but samurai are built, born, and bred to counter this.

So when he heard the news about samurai coming to town to assist in the post-war rehabilitation efforts, he only had this to say:

"They wouldn't be offering posts in their nations, would they?"

And the Godaime had responded with, "There's an opening for resident ninjutsu training dummy."

Which obviously meant that the samurai had no interest in any kind of partnership with the Hidden Villages.

"A diplomat's coming soon," she continued, sounding increasingly worried, "and it's expected you'll all be on your best behavior, give them the utmost respect."

They'd been briefed about what to expect and what is expected of them, but stuck-up samurai in a ninja village was just unnecessary. Ninja didn't need help from the samurai, and samurai certainly didn't want to help the ninja. These are two different groups with two different sets of beliefs, and the so-called rehabilitation was just asking for trouble. Another war, potentially.

And even when they'd been introduced to the liaison officer, the representative from Yuukou Village…

"It's a pleasure to meet all of you."

…despite her neutral stance and companionable demeanor, he still believed this would bring nothing but trouble. Samurai in a ninja village is unnecessary, but then again what did he and all the other jounin know about the intricate politics that tie the samurai, the ninja, and the nobles together?

Genma didn't understand any of it, didn't really care to, and neither did anyone he knew. Well, except maybe Kakashi. In the back of his mind, Genma wondered what he thought of this. The overly laidback-yet-reluctant Rokudaime-in-training would have had something to say about all this, about how troublesome and how stressful it would be. He'd seen Kakashi buried under piles and piles of paperwork, books, and archival scrolls looking like he hadn't set one foot outside the archives…

"Got bored with Makeout Paradise?"

"Godaime's orders. She'll see those books burn unless I get this done."

…and decided that there really is no getting out of this potential mess with the samurai. But the mess remains a possibility, a metaphor. Genma's eyes and ears are sharper than ever, even after the war, and he sees and hears little to no trouble at all with their foreign visitor. He doesn't interact with her and she doesn't interact with anyone else besides the council and the higher-ups, and other foreigners and dignitaries who thought Konoha would be the best location for these meetings. Tsunade tells him nothing and Kakashi doesn't tell him anything either. It's all hush-hush until one day a koryu school opens.

It's about a month after the official end of the war. And the timing couldn't be any more awkward. It reads opportunistic and ill-timed, it's still the thick of the post-war pandemonium and it's located nearer the old training fields and farther from the main streets. Anyone who'd be interested in such a thing would have to make unnecessary effort. But no one would do it, not when there's still a pressing need for actual, tangible help. The hospital is always full, and the smaller clinics are always overbooked. Everyone is still pushing together, pulling together what remains and what needs to be rebuilt. No one had time for the school. The samurai's school.

Souro-ryu.

Genma gets to know the name through Raidou, who'd somehow been roped into assisting the samurai set the entire thing up. It literally translates to "frost and dew school", and he thinks it's ironic for it to be named after things that won't last; like the school itself is only temporary. Just like frost in the spring and dew in the midday sun. Raidou tells him it's not just some sword school, but it's a cultural school, and the samurai and some of her friends are managing the entire thing.

"What is this, a slow takeover?"

"People need to entertain themselves with things outside of the post-war."

Genma frowned at Raidou then, feeling bitter at the sentiment. What people need is actual help, not luxurious hobbies. It's the post-war, couldn't they have settled with giving medical aid instead of whatever this is? Schools of the froufrou kind are transient and fleeting. No one in the village would be interested enough to learn about ikebana, rakugo, or noh for example, when they've been rid of their homes and their livelihoods. Viewing them is nice and good, but actually learning? Konoha's inhabitants have too many problems on the day-to-day already.

So the school opened in Konoha in the thick of the post-war pandemonium. But no one questioned it and no one really objected to it. It's not anyone's business, anyway. The school opened in an old and decrepit building far from the main streets, away from everyone and everything else. This school isn't going to last and Genma is sure that everyone who's heard of it knows that.

Then a week passes.

"The Godaime thinks it's necessary, and it's a nice hobby."

Genma didn't think Kakashi would be one to practice ikebana in the middle of the common room, but there the man was, spending a full five minutes in getting the angle of a single dry branch just right.

"She's got Makeout Paradise hostage for you to try… that?"

Kakashi spends another five minutes trimming a bonsai he'd literally pulled out of nowhere.

"It's relaxing. You should try it sometime."

A week later, he hears about Gai trying the meditative arts.

"What a refreshing way to re-energize yourself!"

Gai? Meditate? Impossible.

Another week later, he hears about Raidou being the samurai's training dummy.

"It's been a while since I've sparred with an actual swordsman."

"Try not to kill 'er, eh?"

And then another week later, he hears about Aoba and–

"I swear it was an accident! I didn't see–"

Never mind.

But it's another week later when Kakashi comes up to him with a proposition–err, proposal of sorts.

"It's just a casual match, that's all."

With the reason that though Konoha would gladly send its finest ninja to entertain the foreign visitor, they couldn't spare any of their ANBU or their other ninjas as they're pre-occupied with matters of the post-war, while Genma was just… there. Available, in other words. But knowing how Kakashi likes to downplay what could potentially be big concerns… makes Genma concerned.

"What about the chuunin, eh? Or maybe your kids–"

"Out of the question, and the chuunin don't offer much of a challenge."

He couldn't believe it.

"What– Doesn't she have more liaising to do?"

"Godaime's orders, not mine."

"You know that's an excuse."

"You know that's an excuse."

A lot of people don't know that Kakashi, for all his fame as the Copy-Nin, likes annoying people more than actually interacting with them properly. And Genma knows that under his ever-present mask, he's grinning like a child about to go into a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants. It's not that Genma doesn't want to–even if he doesn't really want to–but it's because it sounds too presumptuous. So the foreign visitor can have their pick of whoever ninja they want? Is that how this thing is going to work? And why him, of all people? Wouldn't someone like Raidou be a good enough match to curb the samurai's boredom? What about the rest of the ninja with swordsmanship training? What about the other ANBU that aren't constantly on missions?

"Doesn't she like Raidou enough? And what about Iwashi?"

"Godaime's orders."

"What about you?"

Yeah–

"We have lunch every other Wednesday."

"You're friends now, is that it?"

"It's about Sasuke."

Oh.

"And the supposed crimes he's committed against the samurai."

Damn.

"Well, not supposed, but you get it. He was under the influence."

No, he didn't expect that.

"Sorry."

So Genma apologized. Not knowing what else to say. For all his skill in reading people, he never could read Kakashi's next move properly. It was always just close, but not close enough. Just a rough estimate.

"But anyway, she'll be expecting you tomorrow afternoon."

"I didn't agree–"

"So be on your best behavior and try not to scare her too much."

"I didn't–"

"At least drop by for the food."

Food? Why was Kakashi talking about food?

"You won't regret it, I swear."

Genma knows Kakashi isn't the type to make promises lightly, so he held him to it and found himself at the doorstep to the foreign visitor's supposed abode. It's an old building, part of it is dilapidated and the rest is in reconstruction. It's at the very edge of an old training field, and looks to have once been an eatery. The old sign is still on the roof, and though the characters are blurry, he can tell that there's a sentiment there that the visitor appreciates. History. Fresh air. Something in him says the place is haunted.

"Hello?"

And maybe it is.

"Uh…"

He didn't notice the foreigner sweeping up the leaves at the side of the house, and neither did she. She doesn't look like she was expecting any visitors, but then again what time in the afternoon was he supposed to show? This is already an awkward situation and he doesn't know how to make it any better.

"Are you here for the…" she trails off, but then she catches herself, "Oh, oh! Right! I didn't expect so soon…"

He doesn't think she's that samurai they've been talking about. She doesn't look like–

"Shikaku no Shikai," she offers a hand, "Amakuni, if you're familiar with the name."

He isn't. Was he supposed to?

But he takes her hand and returns her firm grip, "Shiranui Genma."

And then he's being thrown to the ground, solid hardwood, and she's panting over him like, towering over him.

"Sorry, I–" she stumbles over her words again, "That was too hard."

She offers a hand and he takes it.

Then he pulls–hard–and lets her stumble. And then he laughs when she manages to pull him up with her.

"That was–" she laughs with him, "dirty."

She says the last word with a grin, with a bite, but he doesn't know if she's flirting with him. He doesn't know if this is normal, what she's doing. He doesn't know if it's just her tone, but he knows what he can read from her. The way her body is bent and her eyes are fixed on him tells him everything.

"You've got great balance," he says, "but you need to watch your footing."

He goes for a sweep, lunging forward, but she responds with a jump high enough for her to reach a support beam. She grabs onto it and swings her entire body forward.

Somehow, this ends with him on his back and one of her knees pressing down on his chest.

And somehow, his entire body responds to the sight and feel and weight and heat of her above him with… arousal. But he isn't so out-of-control with his body to just show it.

She isn't getting off. Instead, she is panting above him, staring down at him with her mouth parted. He can read what she means by this– no, he already is. Oh, she's not getting off in the literal sense, and his reading has never failed him, but she is getting off the same way he is too.

He doesn't want to understand what this means. But as it turns out she doesn't either, because she rises and steps away from him, turns away from him–and he can read this too–like she's shy. Oh, fuck– He can't help it.

She clears her throat before turning to him, "Thank you, Shiranui-san."

Her face isn't flushed and she isn't stuttering, because why would she? But he can read the way she takes a big step towards him. He can read the way she leans her body towards him.

"Will you be free again next week?"

How straightforward. Well, expect the samurai to be.

"Sure."

Fuck– He wasn't supposed to answer that quickly.

"Okay then," she nods briskly, "I'll see you then. Same time?"

He shrugs, "If it's convenient for you."

She nods again– It is. Of course it is.

"Okay then," he echoes her words, "I can show myself out."

"Hm."

So he walks away. The door is right there, anyway. And it's not like she has to show him out…

"Oh, and," he hears her say, "I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer today."

That's when he turns to her. Was she talking about the food? So there was food? Was Kakashi telling the truth?

"Don't worry about it," is his response, "See you next week then."

"Of course." She smiles.

She fucking smiles and he reads into it the same way he reads into every person who smiles at him like that. That's a Kakashi smile, and even if the Copy Nin did wear a mask, Genma swears he can see through it. He knows what a Kakashi smile like that meant, she was up to something.

Of course she is. She wouldn't be flirting at him like that if she wasn't. Then again, she might be flirting with everyone else. She might even be flirting with Kakashi since they're already such good friends. What the fuck? Maybe they're already fucking. Fuck. Maybe he should stop thinking about fucking.

That night, Genma thinks about the samurai kneeling above him. But just thinks. The weight of her. The heat of her. He thinks about whether she's wearing anything else under the hakama. He swears he could see the skin of her legs through the slits.

So he imagines.

But just imagines, he just had his sheets washed after all.

The next afternoon, when Raidou tells him he looks tired, Genma tells him this.

"I haven't been laid in years."

To which Raidou replies with, "Because this job fucks us enough?"

He isn't wrong, being a shinobi is tough and the idea that normalizing death for people like them is not supposed to be nihilistic, but the fact that this post-war is now their day-to-day just hits differently than when they were younger. They were just kids during their first war, and they weren't even supposed to be part of it. And don't get anyone from their generation started on post-traumatic stress and everything that comes with it. Genma's personally seen Raidou fall into complete stillness for no reason, seen Asuma hold his smoke in for too long, seen Kakashi wash his hands for three minutes straight, and everyone else try and act like what happened to them was just part of the job. And Genma, personally, he'd realized that drinking until he couldn't feel his hands anymore was his coping mechanism.

"Yeah," he agrees with Raidou, "but there's a difference between getting fucked and getting laid."

It's basic semiotics, he'd like to argue, because fucking is intrusive, physical, and violent. It's what happens when people want to feel something, grip at the ends of their control and try to reel it in. Whereas getting laid, now that's personal. Getting laid is something sentimental, something romantic. It's sloppy and awkward, and sometimes regrettable, but it's definitely not something people do to feel something. It's just something people do.

"So what?" Raidou shrugs, "You wanna get laid or fucked?"

And Genma just looks at him, because he doesn't know.

"I wanna make love." is what he says instead, smile sardonic and mocking.

Raidou doesn't laugh.

"Everyone does."

What follows next is complete silence, and that's when Genma realizes that despite how nonchalant and serious Raidou has always looked, despite his reputation as an assassination expert and his skill in cutting people in half, he's just like everyone else. They're all just like everybody else. They all long for a kind of love that isn't given, taken, or even shared. They all long for the kind of love that's made.

That's just fucking poetry, isn't it?

"Too heavy, man." Genma sighs, leaning back into his seat and staring at the lazy ceiling fan, "That's a real weight."

He doesn't call it a burden because he's not Kakashi who keeps to himself but is wallowing in the pools of his own self-induced guilt and the pressure of becoming something more than what he already is. Genma is just a man, just a shinobi, and he might have been part of the Hokage Guard Platoon, but that's just another fancier way of saying that they're the first ones to die should anyone dare attack the kage, the irrefutably strongest shinobi in a village. And it's another way of saying they're not jounin, but they're not ANBU either; they're only glorified in name.

"It's too fucking early for this." Raidou sighs, "Too fucking early for you to start acting like Kakashi."

Genma's the only one who laughs at this.

"And what's wrong with acting like me?"

Speak of the shinobi and he may appear.

Genma looks at the man perched on the windowsill, thinking he's trying to act like a bird—and if there's any meaning there, he doesn't think about it.

"Tell me, Kakashi," he starts, "what's the difference between getting fucked and getting laid?"

The man blinks once, with both his eyes, and that's something Genma swears he'll never get used to.

"Nothing, really." Kakashi shrugs.

"What, you—" and he couldn't believe it, "You think they're the same?"

"I know they are."

"You're shitting me."

Genma knows, despite Kakashi's dry and deadpan attitude towards sex and intimacy, he's just like everyone else. He longs for intimacy the way other people do. And everyone their age knows that there's a reason Kakashi chose dogs, chose his ninken, for a reason. Dogs are loyal and dogs never betray, and dogs are easier to please than cats, than women, than other people—

"Can we not talk about fucking?" Raidou sighs, "And just get on with our day?"

"What brought this on, anyway?" Kakashi asks, seemingly oblivious.

Neither he nor Raidou answer him.

"Right," Kakashi breaks the silence, turning to him, "Shikai-san is asking if you're free next Tuesday instead, same time."

What–

He narrows his eyes.

"She wants to make the sparring sessions a regular thing. On Tuesdays."

Again–

"Why?"

And why would Kakashi know that? At this hour? This early in the day? That means he was just with her… "Lunch every other Wednesday"? Nah, they're fucking.

"She likes you," Kakashi shrugs.

They're definitely fucking.

"Raidou's free," Genma knows his suggestion should've been the best thing for the samurai.

"Nope," is Raidou's amused reply, "they're putting me back in the ANBU."

And he's only hearing this now? Fuck off.

"The war's over," he deadpans.

Why would they need an assassin right now? No, he knows exactly why they do. He knows why they're bringing back the former ANBU, but he doesn't know why they haven't asked him back yet. He was one of the best.

"Maybe they'll bring you back too," Raidou continues, but with a frown, "eventually."

Genma knows Raidou isn't frowning because he feels sorry for Genma not being invited back into the ANBU. He feels sorry because they have to.

"The samurai have a say in that too?"

"She's just here because the samurai refuse to send anyone else," Kakashi admits, "it's just politics."

So they're all just part of the mess that's called the post-war, huh?

"Fine," Genma sighs, "I can't wait to spend my Tuesday afternoons with her."

His answer is more resignation than sarcasm. If they're all just being carried to wherever in the post-war, they might as well make the most of it. They're all just coping, anyway, and they might as well cope with each other.