Chapter 3
A week later, Haymitch finally is able to find me, telling me he wants to see me again, trying something different. After last week's emotional visit, I slept all hours of the day and wandered at night. Mainly to avoid Haymitch with the same thing- He wants to see you again. I don't know the reasoning behind hiding out, but I just couldn't face him. The thought of it was just making me queasy, now I just want to see him again. I think I was just embarrassed that Peeta was the one who needed comforting and I broke out in sobs and then he comforted me. But now, I hope he's forgiven me. And I'm ready to see him again. Haymitch questions me on my sleeping patterns and that it's not good for the baby. I don't listen. As long as I'm sleeping at all, it's healthy for the baby… I think. Except, I'm exhausted. I'm almost a walking zombie.
We do the normal protocol and then I'm sent in, they say that somethings different with him and I am keen to know what because I didn't look into the window overlooking his room. The guard asks how I am today, I tell him the truth and say tired. He wishes me sleep in the future and lets me into Peeta's room. I almost cannot believe my eyes when I look and see Peeta. He's not strapped down! First instincts are to run out the door again, but it's instantly gone when he smiles widely at me.
"Hey."
"Hi." I say, heading towards the chair next to his bed.
"Apparently they're trusting me more." He tells me proudly, showing off his hands to me.
I nod my head and congratulate him.
I sink into the chair and sigh when I lift my feet up and lock my eyes with Peeta's. His face is fuller, even more colour than the last time I saw him. He's bulking up. He must be eating all of his meals, because he's bigger than he was last week.
"You're looking better." I say to him.
He gives a small shy smirk.
"Thanks."
Peeta moves to face me on the bed, throwing his legs over the side and slipping down onto the ground in front of me. I move the chair back making room for him, making an awful sound against the floor.
"Sweetheart!" Haymitch hisses in my ear, I whip my head around to the window and glare at Haymitch through the glass and then turn to see Peeta and realise what I did. I startled him, moving away from him, he must think I'm trying to get away from him... How stupid of me.
I apologise to Peeta and then move to the end of the chair. He looks at me with vacant eyes, something I haven't seen since the baby's kicking freaked him out.
"What?"
"Are you scared of me?" He asks seriously, face setting hard, jaw clenched.
I shake my head instantly, "No."
"You just moved away from me. What else am I supposed to think, Katniss?" He says, his voice getting louder.
"Peeta…" I breathe.
"I just wanted to give you room so you weren't squished against the bed. I thought you wanted to feel the baby again?" I say, exactly what I was thinking.
"I'm sorry, Peeta. I should have done it. I'm not scared of you. I promise." I explain to him rushed and feeling so guilty, ready to start crying again.
He takes a minute and calms down on his own. Then he opens his eyes and looks at me sadly.
"I'm sorry, sometimes they just hit me. I don't have full on attacks… I just don't feel like myself. I can manage to take control."
"It's okay, Peeta. I should have thought before I did it."
"It's not your fault. It's the stuff inside me." He whispers.
He's quiet again. And I don't interrupt him.
"Do you want to know what pulls me out of it? I've had a few times this last week I haven't seen you where I wasn't in control. It's always the same thing pulling me back in."
I shift in my seat, rubbing my back from the horrible pain which is present there and radiating through my body, making me uncomfortable.
"What pulls you through?"
He shuffles across the floor and kneels in front of me. He looks up at me for a moment and then I nod at him, knowing instantly what he's asking.
"Her." He whispers, placing both hands on my stomach.
I look down and see that even his large baker hands don't cover over my whole stomach. I didn't realise how big I am getting and how I can't fit properly into my clothes, it's shrinking and lifting and I didn't even realise. Mentally reminding myself to ask Haymitch about how I should be getting more clothes.
"You're twenty-six weeks now." Peeta mutters, rubbing his hands across my stomach and around my back.
His fingers graze mine and I gasp when the sparks fly through straight to my core. When his hands come back to my stomach, his thumbs rub little circles and it wakes her up and she starts abusing my skin from the inside. I groan and lean back in the chair, gripping the arms of the chair when she's kicking me extremely hard.
"Katniss?" Peeta says, panicked and hands coming off from my stomach to my cheeks.
I gasp as his face is close to mine. I don't think he realises. I do.
-Flashback-
"Katniss, you're so beautiful. More beautiful than anything else on this horrific earth. So, so beautiful." He whispers into my ear as he caresses my cheeks.
The warmth of his hands causes my blush to rush over every inch of my body. His lips trail a line from my ear, across my jaw, my chin and back onto my lips. He tugs at them and our lips make noises when our lips part to get air and move them to the other side. My body is covered in sweat, kisses and Peeta's scent. We're slick and exhausted, but we can't stop. We're consumed with each other. I've never felt the way that I do about anyone other than Peeta. There's a hunger that I have and it's one I could only get from him, it's hard to explain. He makes me feel alive and gives me things and makes me feel things I can't by anyone other than him. He's glorious, he's handsome, he's incredible, he's love and desire, he's mine. Mine for now… He'll not go into the Games and if he does, he'll come back and marry a girl from the town. He'll make love to her instead of whining over me. He'll have children and love them like nothing else in his life matters.
Thinking about someone else doing what Peeta and I have just done fuels me. I'm suddenly overcome with more energy and extreme confidence. As Peeta's lips consume mine, my knee comes up and rubs against him, eliciting an instant groan and reaction below the covers. He breaks away from me and looks at me with wondering eyes. I bite my lip and whisper,
"Please."
Peeta nods instantly and I bring my hand down and I start rubbing him until he's hard as rock in my hand. Then I flip him over again, I align myself with Peeta's member. Before I can sink onto it, Peeta's rubbing his saliva over himself and then over my opening making me moan. He grabs my hips and I align myself with him and sink straight onto him. I'm speechless, I can't moan, the breath is stolen from my throat. Peeta on the other hand is groaning, moaning and sighing, a combination of all three at once. When I'm all the way in, I'm so much fuller than I was before and he feels even bigger inside me at this angle… If he could get any bigger. I'm panting, then gasping, moaning, groaning, a small curse falling from my lips. Peeta, unable to contain himself starts pushing me up and down and our skin is slapping even harder than before, louder than before. I can't stop panting. My hands are on Peeta's chest trying to keep upright, but my head is constantly being thrown back in ecstasy.
Next thing I know, Peeta's thrusting up into me as I'm being pushed into him. The collisions of our skin and how hard he's pushing into me is making me scream out. I always heard about girls at the slag heap crying out, but I'm screaming. I'm shaking above him and I come instantly, my body falling against his. His hands come up and cup my cheeks again. He brings my lips to his and I moan into his mouth. The way he cradles my cheeks makes me feel like it's just me and him. His hands being so large, blocking my view of anything other than him. It makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters because he's the only thing I see. He kisses my lips again and then I push myself up with his chest, leaning back against his thighs.
"Tell me how good it feels, Katniss. It's just you and me."
I grin, biting my lip and say things I don't dare to repeat.
-End of Flashback-
"Her kicks… They're so powerful because of your touch." I tell him, trying to put a brave face on.
He looks at me wearily, looking me over to see if there could be another cause.
"Are you sure you're okay? Because I can have someone—"
"I'm good. She just loves her Daddy so much she wants to let him know… As well as me." I sigh.
Peeta pushes my hair back and stares into my eyes for a little while, the closeness making me want to kiss him. But, I can't. He has to be ready and do it himself first. I'm always going to be ready again for his lips to be on mine. I just don't know how I could tell him that without making him go out of control… I don't know.
"Tell me how she makes you gain control." I ask, hoping he'll drop his hands.
He looks down, his hands thankfully drop from my cheeks and I breathe relieved as I couldn't take too much of that without him seeing a natural reaction to his touch. He kneels back down, placing his hands on my stomach, feeling her big, powerful kicks beneath his hands.
"It's just that." He says, not giving anything away, not giving any more detail.
"What?" I ask.
"Feeling her kicks. Whenever I was feeling out of control, I could feel her tiny feet against my palm. It make me realise what I can't go out of control for. If I lost control now, I'd be back in that bed and strapped down and unable to see you or her again. Even though she is inside you, I like to see how much she's growing. You're bigger than you were last week." He tells me, straying a little bit from what he as saying in the first place.
I place my hands on his and rub my thumbs across both his knuckles. He looks up at me and smiles before his face goes serious again.
"I want to see her." He suddenly says.
I stop breathing for a second. I don't know what he means. Literally see her on an ultrasound machine, my pictures, my stomach in all it's disgusting glory… I don't know so I ask.
"All of it." He responds.
"I asked for an ultrasound machine to be on stand-by for whenever you would come back around. I missed seeing you. Where were you?" Again, one topic to the other.
I stop for a second, not knowing how I can't tell Peeta I was super embarrassed and couldn't come back. And that I was avoiding Haymitch and everyone, walking around at night and sleeping all day for a week… I can't have that conversation with him. I can't.
"Long story. Maybe I can tell you later."
Peeta bows his head, sighing deeply. His body seems relaxed today, not tense. But, I suppose it's because he's not tied to a bed. I know he's happy for me to finally come back, I saw his eyes light up when I walked into his room. Even if it was just for the baby, he wants me here with him. Loving me can come later.
"Since you told me I was the father, I've wanted to see her. After last week and feeling her, I knew that I wanted to desperately. I want to see my child, Katniss. I want to see our baby… if you'll allow it?"
The old Peeta… I heard him. I can see him. Not the person consumed with fear towards me, wanting to kill me for being within the same air as him. I almost died when he said 'our baby'. That's a step towards him getting better, becoming one together, becoming the family which he always dreamt about.
"Of course, Peeta. I want you to see the baby. Just don't be disappointed if you're looking at a boy and not a girl." I tell him a big smile on my face.
"If it was a boy, you'd know by now from the pictures."
I don't know whether that was the other Peeta saying that, or the Peeta who talked dirty to me when we made the baby, or the Peeta who made me talk dirty to him, making him come faster and harder than I thought possible.
-Flashback-
"Come to me, Katniss. Come on baby." Peeta moans, looking deep into my eyes like he's looking straight into my soul.
I'm above him, bouncing on top of him whilst he thrusts right up to meet my hips. I pant, sighing and my bounces getting sloppier.
"Say my name, Katniss. Say it again."
I sigh it and he groans, thrusting harder.
"Tell me how it feels, Katniss. I want you to feel me come from your words."
I cry out a little before I obey him, wanting to feel him come inside me again. So, I speak dirty again.
"You're so big inside me. You can barely fit." I pant. He groans, pushing into me hard.
"But, I can't get enough of it." A heavy sigh from Peeta.
"You're so deep I didn't think it'd be possible to reach. So fucking deep!" I moan, throwing my head back.
Peeta groans loudly, biting onto his lip.
"I've felt so empty before, now I'm filled to the brim. I feel whole."
"You're so fucking sexy, Peeta. You're making my body feel like it's on fire. My insides filled with sparks. You're hitting the perfect spot each time you push into me."
He pants, sighing and breath short.
Then I say what I've been thinking since his lips pressed back against mine, when he lifted me into his arms in the Victors' Village square.
"I think I'm falling for you, Peeta."
Then he shoots inside me, silent as ever, breath gone and heart most likely stopped. I fall against his chest and he wraps his strong arms around me, holding me against him and not letting go anytime soon.
Silence continues between us, aside from our gasps to gather air and coming back down from our high. Then he speaks, breathless and curious beyond imaginable.
"Are you really, Katniss?"
I lift my head from his chest, pressing my lips back to his. I can't confirm it again. So, I confirm it to him with my lips. And then my body again. We cannot stop. We're like animals. But, I love it.
-End of Flashback-
I blush at his words.
But, I know that the comment didn't make him smile or laugh or smirk. His eyes flickering over the room before he closes them and taking a deep breath. The baby's stopped kicking, so I rub under my stomach where she always responds too. I know he needs to pull himself back before he goes too far. I don't even know what happened. But, the baby needs to help bring him back. Kicks erupt all over, hitting Peeta's hands. His breath hitches, his eyes opening. He's back.
He turns his head, nodding at the mirror asking to get the ultrasound machine. He looks up to me and with a soft, tedious features.
"Sorry…" He whispers.
I run one my hands up his arm, rubbing it comfortingly.
"It's okay." I breathe with a smile on my face, small, weak and genuine.
After a few moments of silence, he gives me a small smile which is only that of Peeta's.
"Thank you. I could feel you getting her to move for me." He whispers, the words seeming like they're trying to not burn on his lips.
I don't take any offense. I know there'll be moment. Despite what I really wish could be happening. Again, a small smile from me and "You're welcome.".
Realising that I can't have an ultrasound in this chair, I slowly get up from the chair, Peeta's hands dropping from my stomach. I look into his eyes and they go sad, his whole face does but his eyes show the pain.
"Don't leave. Please don't." He begs, voice breaking with sadness.
I open my mouth to spew out the same kind of thing as I did before when I moved the chair. But, he cuts me off, the other Peeta coming back again.
"You can't leave! I deserve to see my child! Don't take her away from me! You won't come back for even longer next time!" Peeta yells, getting to his feet and looking down at me.
I look up into his, the softest way I hope my eyes can look into his own. I see the tears in his eyes, the pain from him not being able to have anything to do with his child at all until now, the hurt inside him which goes so deep I can't even imagine.
"Peeta…" I whisper again.
My hands reach for his, slowly placing them back onto my stomach.
"Don't take her away from me!" He begs softly and defensively, tears dropping onto his cheeks and trailing down to his chin.
I move his thumb with mine against my stomach, starting her kicking fit.
"I'm not. I promise. I'm never going to do that." I whisper each word and meaning it wholeheartedly.
His breathing starting to even out as he feels her kicks, letting it pull him back in. His eyes closed tight, focussing on the hits under his palm. He mutters something under his breath, so quiet I can't even hear it and I'm right beside him. When his eyes open and look normal, I sigh thankfully. I bite my lip as I try to stop the tears falling. Peeta sees this, eyes softening even more.
"Katniss?" His voice barely a whisper.
I choke out another sob, wanting it hit myself for crying already. But, this time is almost necessary.
"I thought I was going to lose you!" I exclaim softly, coughing and hiccupping.
I bite my lip tight, like it's the only thing holding me together and my screwed shut eyelids. He breathes my name, but I don't listen.
"I'm going to hug you. Okay? I need your arms." I tell him as sternly as I can.
Without hearing him denying me of it, my wrap my arms around his back and bury my head into his chest. I missed this. The comfort of his strong arms. He secureness of my body against his. He still smells like Peeta- cinnamon and dill- even though he probably hasn't seen anything related to that in months. His solid chest, broad shoulders, always waiting for my head to rest against them. He's stiff beneath my head, but eventually he softens and his arms come around my back, against my waist and holding me against him. We're not as close as I wish we were, but with a protruding stomach in the way, it was never going to happen. Peeta does something he's always done, but I never realised until he did it again. His hand rubs very small circles against my skin, trying to calm me. I missed him so much it hurts…
My face stays buried in his shoulder until all my tears, sobs and hiccups are gone. When I pull my head away from his shoulder, I see his head bowed to look down at me, but I cannot look at him. My stubbornness is getting the better of me again.
"I just wanted to get onto the bed. I need to be laying down for the ultrasound." I inform him.
"Oh." It passes his lips before he can stop it.
Another misunderstanding.
"Let me help." He says, stepping away from me and giving me some room.
"The bed is too tall for you." He mutters, placing his hands under my arms and lifting me up like I'm nothing even after all this time he's been losing his muscles.
I sigh when I'm on his bed. I hear the door buzz and I know that they've finally got their things together. I hear someone enter, but my eyes don't move. I push myself back against the top of the bed, leaning down and sighing again.
"Thank you." I whisper to him.
I finally let my eyes wander to his and he's smiling.
The nurse who comes in has short curly back hair and is just taller than me, pudgy like my cheeks are. She does her business, but I only look at Peeta. She sets herself up to the right of me while Peeta is on my left. He's anxious, waiting to finally get to look at his child. One of his hands tightly grabs my hand, reassuring me… or him. Before he lets go.
"Can I… Um… Can I…?" He gestures to my stomach again, stuttering over his words.
I nod, unable to comprehend words to say at this moment.
His hands come over and grab the hem of my shirt. As he starts lifting it slowly, I warm him.
"It's not pretty."
He looks up at me for a moment, wanting to say something, but not doing it. Then he swallows looking back down at my stomach as he reveals my stomach, showing where his child has been growing, taking over my body more like…
Horrible stretch marks, a large ugly brown line, unnatural belly button pushed out. I hate it. It's ugly and doesn't reflect the beauty and glowing nature which people say I have. All of that and Peeta's looking at it like it's the most beautiful thing in the world. His hands hover for a minute over the ugly skin, wanting to touch it, but not want to at the same time. When his hands come back down, he strokes his thumb and she starts instantly. Now, I keep referring to it as a 'she', 'her' because Peeta's putting it in my mind that it's a girl. It's not the worst thing, but I'll just keep referring it to her until we know.
"Pull your hands away and watch." I whisper to him, not wanting to break the air again.
He looks at me confused and then does. Her little feet kick up and move the skin from where his hands were. Peeta gasps, a huge smile on his face.
"They're her feet!" He exclaims happily.
I smile widely at his reaction, confirming him.
He lets out a loud laugh and places his hand back onto my stomach, around her little feet. Tears spill down onto his cheeks again and he looks up at me, looking so proud and excited. More than I've ever seen him.
"Her foot is half the size of my finger!" He exclaims, lifting his hand back up.
I lift up my hand and press it against his.
"It's almost the same size as my pinky!" I tell him, tears coming into my eyes too.
He laughs, lacing our fingers together. I feel the sparks, but I ignore them for now. This is Peeta's happy time. I cannot interrupt it. But someone else does.
"Miss Everdeen?"
I completely forgot that she was even here! I turn to look at her and she has everything set up and she holds a tube and the wand.
"I know it's cold." I say fiercely, wanting her to get out of here and leave us alone.
She looks taken aback, but starts to spread it over without a second word. I shiver and Peeta sees this. He takes a seat on the chair, pulling it as close as he can to the bed, his hand still intertwined with mine.
The nurse pulls the monitor closer and pushes it on. She presses the wand into my stomach and soon, the picture comes onto the screen and I look over at Peeta. His hand is squeezing mine hard, but nothing painful and not violent. His face is the softest I've ever seen it, his eyes wide and unblinking as he watches the screen, as if he's seeing the most incredible thing in the world. But, I know it is. His lips are open slightly and I see his eyes glistening, but he doesn't blink them away. He's mesmerised. He's in love. He cannot tear his eyes away for a second. I don't think that he could get anymore entranced, but he does. She presses a button on the screen again and the thumping of the baby's heart begins.
"Is that Katniss' heart beat?" He asks, generally curious.
I look over to the nurse and she gives a smile, keeping her hand holding another button, recording it I know from past times.
"No." She whispers, letting the button go, pressing another and placing the wand away.
She wipes my stomach and walks away from us, the room dims and I know she lowered the lights before she walks out of the room.
"We're going too, sweetheart." Haymitch tells me softly.
I bite my lip and finally, Peeta and I are alone.
Peeta's got tears streaming down his face, finally seeing one of the most breathtaking things in his life. He chokes out a sob, but doesn't remove his eyes from the screen.
"Oh…" He sighs, his breath hitching in his throat.
Our ears are filled with the strong thumping of our baby's heart. It's the only thing around in the air.
Thump, thump, thump…
"This is the… most… beautiful thing I've ever seen, Katniss." He mutters through sobs.
I just look at him, so glad he's happy and showing the real Peeta. He looks over to me for a second, but that second is the strongest glance we've ever shared.
"Thank you."
I smile and he looks away. Then we stay like that for a few more minutes.
The nurse comes back in, interrupting us. She holds something in her hand and I know what it is. She turns off the ultrasound machine, this sets Peeta off.
"No! Bring her back! Bring her back!" He exclaims.
She leans over, holding out the square of shiny paper to him. He looks at it and his face softens again. He takes it shakily in his hand and examines it again. He runs his thumb over her little spine inside his fingers, looking up to her.
"Thanks." He says.
She nods and takes the machinery away. Alone again, but not from prying eyes.
Peeta helps me up from the bed again and his hands linger on my arms.
"Thank you." He tells me again.
"You're welcome." I whisper.
"You deserve to see your child."
He steps closer to me and I forget how to breathe. His eyes are filled with what seems to be desire, but I cannot let myself be consumed. It's not… It can't be!
"Our child." He corrects.
I gasp loudly and close my eyes from Peeta's confusing eyes. Then I feel his breath on my fore head and I literally hold mine. I feel his soft lips press against my brow and I let out the breath. This cannot be real. I'm dreaming. But, his hot lips against my brow tell me different. When he pulls back, I lick my lips and bite it softly. I open my eyes and I see him looking at my lips, but I look down, cutting his vision.
"I better go." I whisper.
"No…" He murmurs, tightening his grip on my arms, fore head resting against mine.
I sigh and shake my head slightly.
"I'll be back soon." I tell him.
"How soon?"
I don't know…
"When do you want me back?" I ask instead.
"Tomorrow." He whispers.
For a minute, I'm silent, thinking about it. I must be taking too long because he mutters so quietly, "Please.".
I nod against his fore head. "Okay." I promise.
He steps back, breaking our connection and I walk slowly towards the door. I look back when I'm resting my hand on the handle again. He thanks me again with his eyes and then the buzz brings me out of the room. I walk past the guards, the doctors and straight to Haymitch. I pull out the earpiece and place it in his hand.
"You okay, sweetheart?" He asks.
I nod my head, walking away slowly. I don't know where I walk or how long I walk for, but I'm consumed by the images of the looks of pure love on Peeta's face and our child's heartbeat.