Naomi
What have I done?
What the hell is wrong with me?
"Are you sick?" Eric asked as I pushed my food around my plate. My stomach already felt filled with a thousand tiny creatures burrowing into it and eating away at the lining. I couldn't swallow anything past the ball of shame and self-loathing that was lodged in my throat.
"No," I said, although I didn't feel well either.
Aaron leaned over me, mildly concerned, "You do look a bit pale. Did you sleep okay?"
"Not really," I said. I'd hardly slept a wink. I knew it was important to get some shut-eye before this fight, but everything felt colossally unimportant now. The longer I'd spent staring at the ceiling telling myself I had to go to sleep, the more annoyed at myself and awake I'd been.
"You worried about this fight?" Eric asked. He glanced at Aaron, "Because there's no shame in sitting it out. You can stay at home. You can both…"
"No, I'm going," I said. "I'm just not hungry."
"Okay, something is definitely wrong," Eric said. He leaned across the table, pressing the back of his hand to my forehead like he was checking my temperature.
"You'll need your strength," Aaron said. "Eat. Even if you're not hungry. And if we find a convincing enough Gregory head early on, you should come back and rest before we head out."
"I know," I grumbled, picking up my fork and forcing a forkful of scrambled Hilltop eggs into my mouth.
"Is it because you and Daryl had a fight?" Aaron asked. At the mention of his name, my heart did backflips. I froze, tensed up, worried that if I swallowed, the eggs would resurface again, twice as scrambled. I could not stop worrying about how he was feeling this morning.
Why did I do it?
"Oh no, when did you guys fight?" Eric asked.
"Last night," Aaron answered for me. Then he looked back at me, "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry. There was just a lot of... tension when I came to get you both."
"I'm sure it'll blow over," Eric said reassuringly, reaching across the table to give my hand a pat. "It always does with you two."
What if it doesn't?
Arguments blew over because they were dumb spats that didn't mean anything. But did this? How the hell would this blow over? What the hell did this mean? It felt overwhelmingly big, but there was every chance it was nothing. Daryl might not have thought twice about it. Or maybe he'd just make fun of me for it until the day we both died. In which case, I hoped that day came soon.
What if he's mad at me for this?
"We didn't fight," I said. I forced myself to swallow down my damn breakfast, "And I'm fine."
"Oh, okay," Aaron said. He and Eric shared a look like they didn't believe me, but I been a little snappy, and they clearly didn't want to push it any further.
I shoveled more food into my mouth, feeling relieved and guilty all at once. I knew they meant well, but my head was a mess. So many thoughts were piling up on top of one another that I couldn't focus on a single one of them. The pressure building in there felt like it was enough to bust my skull wide open and spray pieces of my brains all over Eric and Aaron's dining room. I couldn't take any external ones from them too. And it didn't seem fair to mention it to them, at least not until I'd spoken to Daryl and found out if he was as confused as I was. Or if this was no big deal to him and we could go back to giving each other shit.
A knock at the door.
Was it him?
My stomach dropped like it used to when an elevator moved too fast. I stood up and stared at it. Aaron put a hand on my shoulder, gave me a look of grave concern, and then went to answer the door. From down the hall, I heard him say, "Hey there, Rick."
Rick's voice carried into the house. After a few moments of conversation that I was too relieved to listen to, Aaron walked back into the room.
"Rick's here," he said. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah," I said and moved to pick up my shit. As I bent down to get my bag, I glanced at the front door. Rick waved at me. Just Rick.
Aaron stopped me in the doorway to the hall. "You… you taking the fork with you, or…?"
"Shit," I looked down at where I was still clutching it. "No. Sorry."
I put it down on my plate, which Eric then came over to scoop up. "You sure you're okay?" he asked, quietly enough that Rick wouldn't hear.
"Fine," I whispered back. "Just tired."
I went to stand by the front door as Aaron kissed Eric goodbye. I knew Eric was super worried about this particular plan. I'd heard them arguing at night but pretended I hadn't.
"How you doing, Naomi?" Rick asked. I listened for any hint that he was asking in a how-you-doing-after-making-out-with-Daryl-last-night kind of way, but he seemed normal, so I did my best to be normal too.
"Not bad, thanks," I said. "You?"
"Yeah, not too bad," he nodded. "Keen to get moving. It'll be a long day."
It already felt like it had been a long fucking day, and it was only breakfast.
Aaron joined us, and we made our way down to the gates where everyone else was waiting for us. I wondered if Rick knew what had happened and was just good at hiding it, or if Daryl would've asked him to split us up because he was so mortified about it. It wouldn't have surprised me if Daryl went back to being all cold and distant for a while. I'd been bracing myself for it all night, and I still wasn't ready. But then Rick turned to Aaron and me, "I've got you guys in a car with Daryl, Heath, and Glenn. All the cars are going to follow the RV out of here. That alright?"
"Yup," I said brightly. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"No reason…" Rick said. "I was just letting you know."
Gathered at the gates in the groups that Rick had split us off into, I waited for Glenn to bring the car around and fought every deep-seated urge I had to look for Daryl. Glenn pulled up, and we all climbed in. No sign of Daryl. Maybe he was off telling Rick that he wanted to swap cars, or maybe he'd bypassed Rick and decided to jump in the RV to avoid me altogether. Just as I was starting to relax, the door opened on my side. And there he was.
"Uh… hey," Daryl said. And I felt like he said it just to me even though there was a whole car full of people.
"Hey," I said, and I hated how breathy and weird my voice came out. I wasn't sure if he noticed or if it got lost in the chorus of other people saying hello back to him.
"Scooch up?" he asked. I tried not to look at the way his mouth moved, or think about how it had felt on mine.
"Sure," I unclipped my seatbelt and slid into the middle seat. He climbed in next to me. I tried not to look at his hands when he rested them on his knees, or think about how my whole body had come alive when those same hands had taken hold of my hips and held me to him like it was where I'd always belonged. Like this was what we'd been made for, what we always should have been doing. Glenn hit a bump in the road, and Daryl's arm brushed up against mine. Felt like he'd give me some kinda electric shock. I jumped.
"Sorry," he said immediately.
"It's fine," I said quickly, shifting closer to Aaron in my seat, trying to make sure I was taking up as little space as possible, so we didn't accidentally touch again. I looked out of the window next to Aaron and tried to think about something - anything - other than Daryl.
Pull yourself together, Naomi.
But I couldn't.
In the sweltering heat of the backseat of that car, the skin on my arms broke out in goosebumps. I remembered his stubble against my chin, his hungry lips on mine, and I shivered.
Our little convoy pulled up by the side of the road. A chorus of horns blared out for a solid minute. It was in such stark opposition to everything that we'd learned to do to stay safe from Walkers that it took everything in me not to stab Glenn in the head to get him to shut up. We climbed out of cars. Up ahead, I saw Rick and the others jump down from the RV. We peeled off along different sections of the road to look for Walkers that had been drawn to the sound.
The first wave came at us quickly. More than I expected. I pulled a knife out from my belt loop. The previously quiet forest filled up with the cracking of skulls and the squelch of brains. I took out a few in front of me, then stopped to catch my breath and take in the scene around me. I'd lost sight of Heath and Glenn already. Aaron and Daryl were closer by, but my fight had taken me a little further away from them. Being further from Aaron concerned gaze and Daryl's… well, everything… made me feel more relaxed than I had all morning. There were still Walkers coming at us, but that felt a whole lot more normal than dealing with anything else.
Not too far off to my left, I saw a small group of about three Walkers. They were heading for Daryl, but his back was turned to them. I was sure he'd get to them in time, but something drove me forward. I ran at them. They heard me coming and turned their attention to me. I dodged one, stabbed another. The third lunged at me, and I kicked him off, stabbing the first one while it stumbled back. I threw my knife at the only one left, got it right between the eyes. This was really helping. Adrenaline had been building inside me all night, and now I finally had something to take it out on.
Further away, another two moved into a clearing, drawn to the sounds of the other Walkers being taken down. I could hear gunshots cracking further away. I knew going to get them on my own would take me out of sight of the others. I knew I should wait for them to get closer so that someone knew where I was. But I couldn't hold back. The more I fought, the better I felt. I no longer felt like my brain was about to explode and rain chunks of skull and Greymatter down on anyone in a fifty-mile radius. I charged towards them.
When they were dead, I turned and found myself alone. Rick had been clear that we should all stay together, in twos or threes for safety. I had directly disobeyed him, but I finally felt free. After a night of a full house at Rick's and a morning of Aaron and Eric hovering around me, I felt like I could breathe again. If we hadn't just set off a bunch of horns to attract Walkers, I'd have screamed to let out some of the frustration building up inside of me. I walked forward, trying to focus on the task at hand.
I was alone for about a minute before I heard something move behind me. I knew it was him without turning to look. Like my body was tuned perfectly to his now. I felt myself slow down without thinking about it, straining for another sound. It wasn't cold, but goosebumps broke out across my arms again. I felt the way a deer must when they realize he's close by. Flighty. Trapped. And not at all ready for this. I came to a full stop.
"You tracking me?" I asked, turning to find him standing a few paces away.
"I'm keeping an eye on ya," he said.
"Shouldn't you be keeping an eye out for Walkers that look like Gregory?"
"Got two eyes, don't I?"
It was a lousy argument because he couldn't focus on me for more than a few seconds but couldn't seem to look away for too long, either. A Walker probably could have strolled up and taken the gun right out of his hands, and I'm not sure he'd have noticed. I got it, though, I also struggled to look at him. Every time I did, I felt sick with nerves. Like I was about to sit an exam or something.
"We should probably… talk?" I said, a pit of dread opening up in the pit of my stomach. It didn't seem like he was going to be the one to bring it up, I guessed it had to be me. I could hardly hear myself over the drumming of my own heart, so I wasn't sure what kinda conversation I'd be capable of.
"Yeah?" he said and raised an eyebrow. "What about?"
I rolled my eyes. "You know what."
"Okay," he took a few steps towards me, his boots crunching on some dead leaves under the tree. "You first."
"Why me?" I folded my arms across my chest.
"Well, you're the one who kissed me," he pointed out. There was a little smile on his face that I couldn't work out. Something cold clenched in my gut. Was this just going to be something else for him to tease me about? If he was letting me off the hook, why didn't that feel like a relief?
I closed my eyes, so I didn't have to look at him. "I'm sorry."
It felt like I owed him that at least, maybe if I just came out and said it, he'd back off, and we could go back to normal.
"Sorry for what?" he asked. Was he really going to make me say it?
"For kissing you," I said. I forced myself to look him in the eye. "I shouldn't have done it."
Now it was his turn to look at the ground. He kicked over a rock. "Why?"
"It's just… it's you and me, y'know?"
"Yeah," he said. "I do know."
There was something in his tone. Something flat and a little hostile.
"And we… don't do that," I said like he needed reminding.
"We ain't done it before," he said, which somehow felt like it was both agreeing and disagreeing with what I'd just said. It opened things up again. Left them too open. There was a silence that neither of us wanted to break. And it was probably a good thing because it was only then that I heard the unmistakable sounds of Walkers nearby.
"Shit," I muttered and pulled my knives out again. There were about five of them, stumbling towards us.
"We got this," Daryl said, pulling out his own weapons. "You ready?"
I nodded. "Let's do it."
Truth was, facing off against a bunch of Walkers was a welcome distraction from this damn conversation. It was so much easier to bash their heads in than it was to sort my own head out. Daryl took out two, I took out two and then there was just one left. I caught a look in his eye. Like a challenge. We raced towards it. He reached it first because he was closer, but the first swing of his knife didn't hit right. It sliced a neat line across the Walker's forehead. The skin of its face peeled down to reveal a gleaming white skull. One of its eyes popped out to land on the forest floor.
I jumped forward, jammed my knife up into its newly-empty eye socket. It crumpled.
"I nearly had that!" Daryl complained.
"Too slow," I shook my head. "Snooze ya lose."
"Snooze ya lose?" he repeated, with his own little head-shake. "This ain't no damn game."
"Says the loser," I said, looking around at the carnage we'd just left in our wake. I'd been too busy enjoying the catharsis of killing Walkers to remember to try and do so in a way that kept any potential look-a-likes intact.
"Shit," I said. "I forgot to check whether or not any of these looked like Gregory."
"They didn't," Daryl said, kicking one over onto it's back to double-check.
"Good," I said, and I stopped to wipe my knife clean. For a second, it was like everything was normal again. And then the quiet of the forest settled around us. I stole a glance at Daryl. That damn smile was back.
"You're really freaking out about this, huh?" he said. He didn't have to say what about.
"Well, yeah," I said. It felt like my heart had swollen up to twice its usual size and was now lodged behind my tonsils, beating so uncomfortably it made me feel sick. "Ain't you?"
"Pfft," he said, shaking his head. "No."
I knew it was a lie, I could tell by the mild panic in his eyes every time they met mine and the way his cheeks were kinda flushed. Something about noticing that made me calm down a little. This was weird, but at least it was weird for both of us.
"Really?" I tried to call him on his bullshit.
"Well, maybe a little," he admitted. Then he shrugged, "But... I ain't complaining. And you ain't gotta be sorry."
"Oh." I could feel my cheeks going a deep shade of red. "I just…"
I trailed off. I wished I had something to say to him. But nothing I'd been running over in my head felt… right. Knowing how he was feeling would've helped, but I knew it would be a cold day in hell before Daryl shared that willingly. I was usually good enough at reading him to take a good guess at how he felt. But not today. I didn't even know how I felt today. This was uncharted waters for us, and I was lost at sea.
"Just what?" he prompted.
"I didn't plan it," I said. It felt important that he knew that I hadn't meant to drive this massive wedge between us. There had been something in the way he'd been looking at me on that porch that had drawn me to him like a magnet, catching me so off-guard that I couldn't think straight. I'd felt dizzy, and his hand in mine had been the only solid thing in the world. I'd stood at the top of everything we were and peered over the edge at the unknowable chasm of everything we could be. And, without knowing if he'd catch me, I'd jumped. I'd just fucking jumped.
"You mean you didn't fill a binder with a pro-con list about it?" he said. I knew he meant it as a joke, but the moment he said it, my brain couldn't stop.
Pro: he's my best friend in the world, and there's nobody else on earth I care more about.
Con: he's my best friend in the world, and if this goes wrong, I could lose him forever.
"'Course not," I said. "I don't know why I did it. I just… wanted to."
It had been more of a need. Deep and burning and sudden. There was a short silence. Part of me wanted to look at him, and the other part wanted to run away. Then he said, real quiet, "Was it bad?"
"No," I said quickly. Maybe too quickly. "God, no."
Pro: it was the best fucking kiss of my life.
I glanced up at him to see how he'd taken it, caught his smile again. Truth was, I could still feel it. His surprise when our lips met. So gentle at first. Like he was afraid I'd disappear from under his kiss. And then there was a horrible, sinking feeling that he might not want this, that I was single-handedly ruining everything that mattered to me. I had that same feeling now.
Con: I have no idea how he feels about this.
"No?"
"It was...a good kiss," I said because saying anything closer to the truth would feel it lame as shit. I wondered how much he'd managed to read into my pause. "At least, for me, anyway."
"It was for me too," he said, and something in my heart felt like it was soaring back up from whatever I'd been sinking into. He scuffed his shoe on the ground again. "So, why are you sorry about it?"
"Well, because it's us, Daryl," I said. "It's you and me."
"Yeah, I know who I was kissing," he said, a little annoyed. "Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because I shouldn't have been so… impulsive," I said. "I didn't want to make things weird. Or make you feel weird, or-"
"You didn't."
"Er, it's been a little weird," I said, wondering if he'd just sat in the same car journey as I had.
"I guess," Daryl said. Then he sighed. "Look, we ain't gotta keep talking about this."
It did seem like we were going in circles, but was that it? There was, as far as I could tell, no resolution. Were we just brushing it off? Pretending it didn't happen? Would we just go back to normal, chalk it up to pre-fight anticipation, and a little too much wine? Trust Daryl to clam up and not want to talk to me while I was left to freakout in the dark.
"No?" I said. "Cause I really think we should at least… y'know…"
He was shaking his head. He reached out and took hold of my wrist. "C'mere."
He tugged me toward him so unexpectedly that I stumbled on a tree root in the undergrowth, stubbing my toe. "Ouch. Daryl, what-?"
"Just come here, will ya?"
I stood in front of him, a bundle of raw and exposed nerves.
"What are you doing?" I asked. It came out as a whisper because I knew exactly what he was doing. He had that same look in his eye. That same nervous intensity as he looked down at me, and behind it, that hunger I hadn't seen before. I felt it rise in me too. His fingers under my chin, I knew I should turn away. I put my hand on his, stopped him from tilting my face any closer. "Daryl... I don't think we should."
But my heart was racing just like it had before, and I had no real desire to turn away from him.
"Why?" he asked, and I was close enough to feel the burst of anger in him tense the muscles in his body. "'Cause you ain't planned it?"
"No," I said. "Because we ain't talked about."
"I don't wanna talk about it," he said, but he let go of me again and took a step back. "If we talk about it, you're gonna wind up talking yourself out of it."
"Why? Because it's a bad idea?"
"No," he said. "Because I know you, Naomi. You either spend months fretting about shit and making lists, or you do something on impulse and beat yourself up about it for even longer."
"No, I don't," I protested, but there was a flash of guilt in my gut like he might be right.
"Remember when you punched that guy in school because he was an asshole to me?"
"Yeah," I said. "I never regretted that, though."
"Maybe not, but you worried about it," he said, "worried it'd get you kicked outta school or show up on some kinda permanent record."
He had me there, and the worst part was he damn well knew it.
"This is different," I said. "This is very different."
He sighed. Let all that anger out in one long breath. He closed his eyes for a second like he was making a decision.
"It was good, though, right?" he looked at me again, kinda nervous, like I might've been lying to him before.
"Yes."
A small nod. I don't know if it was the way I said it or just that I said it at all, but it was enough for him. He took hold of me again, more purposefully than before, his hands firmly on my waist. "Then shut the hell up."
"But-"
He pulled me slowly to him, and my words caught in my throat. I could feel the spin of the world under my feet and held onto him to steady myself. It wasn't fair, the effect this had on me. How was I supposed to keep a level head with him looking at me like that? With his lips so close to mine?
"If you don't want this," he whispered. "Tell me to stop."
I tried to say it, I really did, because I knew it was the right thing to do. The sensible thing. This was Daryl. My Daryl. What if this fucked everything up? But the promise of the taste of him hung in the air between us. My body betrayed me, melting against his. I was back on that ledge between what we already were and what we could be. The anticipation of the drop was worse this time because I knew what was waiting on the other side of it.
His kiss silenced the noise in my head. I thought I'd be more prepared for it this time around, but I wasn't. The taste of him sparked a jolt right through me. A rush. A high. So much better than I'd remembered.
He kissed me like he was trying to tell me a secret, and this was the only way he knew how. Urgent and soft all at once. Just for me.
I kissed him back, instinctively. A deep-seated need buried within me. A thirst I'd never quenched. His hands on my body moved to the small of my back and sent a shiver up my spine. He was still so gentle. I needed more of him. I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull myself closer to the heat of his body. I kissed him harder and heard a low moan from deep in his throat. More like a growl and every nerve in my body came alive. His grip on me tightened. His lips parted mine, and I felt weak, not just at the knees, but for giving into this. Because this was so much easier than talking about it. Or trying to name the multitude of shit I was feeling right now. Because I didn't know what to say to him. Or to myself.
Close by, someone cleared their throat. We turned, one hand still clutching each other and the other hand on our weapons. It was instinctual, although it wasn't like Walkers to clear their throats before they tried to bite you.
"Just me," Aaron raised his hands, a head dangled from one of them. "Didn't mean to… interrupt. But we should all be heading back now."
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
I let go of Daryl and put my knife away. Daryl did the same. I couldn't look at him, we both just stared at Aaron.
"Sorry," I said when the silence got too much for me. "You weren't supposed to… we didn't mean…"
"It's fine," Aaron said, and I think he was trying not to laugh at how badly we were both handling this. "This is what I interrupted before, isn't it? Back at Rick's?"
"Yeah," I looked at the forest floor. "Sorry."
"Stop apologizing," Aaron said. "But, get moving."
We started walking back to the cars. Daryl and I walked a few feet apart from one another, terrified that if I got too close to him, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from reaching out to him. Taking his hand or wrapping my arms around him. The impulse was there, but… was I allowed to do that? Was that too... couple-y? Now someone else knew, that somehow made it whatever the fuck was happening between us more real. I think that was starting to sink in with Daryl too. He couldn't look at either of us.
Back by the cars, three potential Gregory lookalikes had been lined up for Rick to choose from. When he and Andy from the Hilltop had selected the best choice, Rick gathered up the rest of us behind the RV to go over his plan to take the Savior's base. We would leave at midnight, we had until then to go home and rest.
The car journey was just as weird and quiet as it was on the way there. Maybe even weirder because now Aaron was sitting in our secret too. Although, if anyone had to find us like that, I was glad it was him. I imagined it would've been a lot worse with anyone else. Daryl had fully withdrawn into himself, and I wondered if the magnitude of what had happened between us was finally hitting him. Glenn dropped Aaron and I off at home before driving the others back to their houses.
Aaron didn't say anything until we reached the door. Then he looked at me and said, "Well…"
"Don't," I pleaded, pushing the door open in an attempt to escape.
"How long has this been going on?" I knew he wasn't quiet enough for Eric's bat-like sonar hearing, so I was glad he wasn't being specific.
"Last night was the first time," I said. "That was the second."
"That's why you were acting so weird this morning," he said like everything suddenly made sense.
"What's why she was acting so weird?" Eric popped his head out into the hallway and watched us take our shoes off. My heart sank.
"No reason," I said quickly, which was probably the worst possible answer, but I was too tired to make up something believable.
"Why didn't you just tell us about it?" Aaron asked.
"I still don't know what it is," I said. "It was just so… sudden."
"Well, if it helps, I think you'd be the only person who's surprised by it," he said. "But if you wanted it to be a secret, you probably shouldn't have been so public about it."
"Oh my God," Eric said. "Public about what?"
"We weren't public about it," I said. "We were alone in the damn woods. You were the one sneaking around spying on folk."
"Oh, please," Aaron said. "When you two aren't so… distracted... you can hear a living person walking through the woods a mile away, and tell it's not a Walker."
He had me there. Under normal circumstances, there was no way that Aaron would've been able to sneak up on us like that.
"Will someone please tell me what is going on?" Eric demanded.
Aaron looked expectantly at me. I could feel my cheeks burning. I looked at the ceiling, sent up a silent prayer that the Lord might strike me down so that I didn't have to go through with any of these uncomfortable conversations and then, when he didn't I closed my eyes and said, "Daryl and I kissed."
"You what?" Eric rushed over to me and grabbed my arms, dragging me to the sofa with him. "Tell me everything."
"There's not much to tell," I said, "We kissed, that's it. End of story."
I hoped he wouldn't have any further comments or questions, but, of course, he did. "When did this happen?"
"The first time?"
"First time?" he repeated. "We'll start there, yeah."
"Last night, after dinner at Rick's."
"And who kissed who?"
"I kissed him," I said.
"Good for you," he gave me an excited nudge on the arm. "And he kissed you back, right?"
"Yes," I said.
"And how was it?"
"It was good," I said. The excitement in Eric's face made me smile even though I didn't want to. "It was really good."
"So, what happened? How did you leave things?" Eric leaned forward, I could tell the lack of detail I was giving him was incredibly frustrating for him.
"Aaron told us to come in and listen to Rick," I said. Eric gave Aaron a look like he'd betrayed him in the worst possible way.
"And you didn't get a chance to talk about it after?" he asked. I shook my head. "What about today?"
"We tried to," I said.
"Er… didn't look like that's what you were doing," Aaron muttered.
"We did," I said, and then I slumped down further onto the sofa. "At least, I did… I tried to say sorry for starting this whole mess. I tried to explain that I hadn't planned it or meant to make things weird. It just… happened."
"And what did he say?" Eric asked.
"That he didn't want to talk about it," I shrugged. "And that I'd just talk myself out of it if we did. So, now I have no idea how he's feeling about it. Or how I'm feeling about it. I thought talking to him might at least make things clearer, but… he just kissed me again. And that's when Aaron found us."
"You ruined it twice?" Eric turned to him. "I'll never forgive you."
Aaron ignored him and looked at me, "You know Daryl better than anyone, I'm sure you can take an educated guess at how he's feeling."
"I dunno, he's being very vague," Eric said. "Does he just want to make out with her or-?"
"Daryl ain't like that," I interrupted him. Aaron was right. Aaron was completely right, I did know Daryl better than anyone. I'd been so overwhelmed by the new territory we were in that I hadn't stopped to think about how it was the same Daryl I was navigating it with. "He don't do casual. It's… it's just not him."
Shit.
"Sounds like you know what he wants," Aaron said gently.
Daryl and I had never talked about it, or even anything close to it. But I knew him. I knew how long it took him to trust people enough to get attached. I knew why. I should've seen that he wouldn't have kissed me back unless it meant… something to him. But what? And how much? And was it worth risking everything for?
"Ohhhh," Eric sat bold upright. "I see what's going on here."
"You do?"
"Casual is all you do," Eric said. "Right?"
I nodded. And I did it for the same reasons that Daryl didn't. It stopped people from getting too close. It protected me from being hurt or let down, prevented them from ever properly getting to know me. When things got too real, I could just… leave. I couldn't do that with Daryl. He already knew me too well.
This was new, but we were who we'd always been; two broken people trying to love each other in the best way we could while neither of us felt like we deserved it.
Aaron was nodding, "And now you're freaking out because Daryl's already closer to you than you're comfortable with."
It felt like everything was crumbling around me.
"You should go over there," Eric said. "Explain things to him. See if he'd be willing to take things slow, so you don't bolt."
"I can't do that," I said, burying my face in my hands. At his core, Daryl assumed that nobody really wanted him around, no matter what they said. His expected people to leave, to let him down. How could I even word that in a way that he wouldn't see as me bailing on him?
"You're right," Eric said. "You should shower first, and, for the love of God, please brush your hair. Also, wear something... cute. But not too cute. You don't want to look like you're trying too hard."
I looked back up at him. "Eric, I-"
"You know what?" he held up a hand to shut me up. "Don't worry about it, I'll pick something out for you. Just... be clean."
"Isn't your advice in these situations usually to play it cool? Wait a few days?" Aaron asked.
"If these two wait any longer or play it any cooler, we'll all die of frostbite," Eric said. "They need to sort this out."
"What I need," I said, "is to get some sleep. My head's a mess, and I gotta fight the Saviors in a couple of hours, not get all dressed up for no reason."
"Oh, Naomi," Eric said sternly like I'd hugely let him down. "There is no reason you can't kick ass and look cute doing it."
I stood up. "I'm going to bed."
"Fine," Eric called after me as I walked out of the room. "But, I'm waking you up with enough time to shower."
"Bite me," I yelled back and heard him laugh.
It was still light outside my window. I could see the spot on Daryl's porch where I'd first kissed him. I closed the curtains against it and lay down on top of the bed. A few minutes later, the stairs creaked as Aaron climbed them to get some rest in another room.
I stared at the ceiling and told myself that once this fight with the Saviors was done, we could sort it out. I would make Daryl talk to me, even if he didn't want to. I repeated it until I felt calm enough to drift off to sleep.
It felt like I'd been asleep for about a minute before Eric woke me up, but it was dark outside, so it must have been more than that. My whole body ached for more rest, my thoughts felt like they were trying to move through quicksand. Napping might have made me feel worse than if I'd just powered through.
"You look like shit," Eric chirped. "But we can fix that."
"If it helps," I told him, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "I feel a thousand times worse."
I was too tired to fight both Eric and the Saviors, so I let him pick out whatever he wanted and then twisted my hair into a braid that would keep it out of my face but made Eric think I was putting in more effort than usual.
We rolled out bang on midnight and took our positions in the shadows around the Savior's base, watching as Andy from the Hilltop drove up with fake-Gregory's head in a bag. It seemed like the two Saviors guarding the door accepted our decoy. One of them went inside. Daryl snuck up behind the other and killed him before he even knew what was coming. We ran out to help move the body and hit again before the first Savior came out holding a prisoner, presumably Craig.
Before the remaining Saviour had a chance to notice that his friend was missing, his throat was slit. Daryl held the door open as we rushed in, guns ready and sweeping for any other guards that might be on patrol. The plan was to undertake a systematic sweep of every room until we got to the armory, taking out any Saviors we found sleeping along the way in the quietest way possible. Rick and Michonne went into one room, where some Saviors were sleeping, Glenn and Heath took another. I walked around a corner with Abraham and Sasha. Rosita and Aaron were just behind me. I turned to them and motioned that I was going to scout out ahead. The corridors here were short and winding, which meant there was no way to tell who was down the next one. It would be too easy to get caught off guard by someone rounding a corner before we heard them coming.
I turned a few corners. Just to check them. Just to make sure there weren't any regular patrols. And then the whole building came alive with the sound of an alarm. I did know who'd been caught, but we'd been rumbled, and our element of surprise was gone.
"Fuck," I breathed as doors opened around me. I managed to fire three shots before two people behind me knocked the gun from my hands. If I'd been less exhausted, it probably wouldn't have been so easy for them to grab me by the arms. My reactions were slower than usual. I kicked, hitting one of them in the shin. I heard them cry out. Sounded like a man. His grip on me loosened, and I twisted my arm free. I swung and landed a punch on his dumb nose.
A woman snatched my gun from where it had fallen on the ground and pointed it at me.
"Kill her," the guy said, holding his nose and looking at me like I was some kind of wild animal.
"No," the woman said. "We might need her."
"For what?" he asked. She didn't answer, but I knew.
She looked at me, "On your feet. Get walking."
I could hear gunshots moving down the maze of corridors. My friends were fighting their way out, and her friends were fighting back. How could I have been dumb enough to get caught out like this? The red-haired woman forced me to crawl out of one of the windows ahead of her. Outside, I got my bearings and little and went with them willingly in the direction she pointed me in because I knew if we kept going, we'd reach where Maggie and Carol were waiting at the parameters. Maybe there, I'd be able to turn the tides on this, and we could all get back to help the others. I was ready to fight, I just needed to pick my moment.
But then, as we got close, my heart sank again. I could hear Maggie and Carol's raised voices, arguing about something. It gave away their position. The woman gave me a shove. "There's more of you?"
"Carol! Maggie!" I yelled. "You gotta-"
The guy I'd punched smacked me across the side of the head. "Shut up."
I heard Maggie and Carol's footsteps as they ran towards us, guns raised. It was the opposite of what I wanted. I'd wanted them to run.
"Lower your weapons," the woman holding me called to them. "Or we'll shoot her."
She turned her gun on me. I locked eyes with Carol, knowing that if anyone had the strength to do what needed to be done, it was her.
"Let her shoot me," I told her. "Take 'em out. We can still end this."
I watched Carol hesitate. Her hand shook in a way I wasn't expecting. And then she lowered the gun. Another surprise. The fear in her eyes, the quietness of her voice when she spoke; none of it was what I expected from her. But I guess even the strongest people had breaking points. Maybe Carol had just reached hers. I thought it would freak me out, but a quiet calm washed over me. Daryl would find me; I knew it in my heart. And until then, it was up to me to keep Maggie and Carol safe.
Daryl
Where is she?
After the alarm went off, everything was chaos. Saviors came from nowhere, armed already. The fight got ugly and bloody and confusing. We thought we'd cleared the place, but it was hard to say for sure. We didn't know the layout. There were a lot of twists and turns in the corridors around us. Every door we opened felt like it could've had a bunch more Saviors on the other side of it. But it had been a while since we'd seen one alive and we'd all managed to fight our way to the same place.
Almost all of us.
Naomi was gone. She was just gone.
"You guys seen Naomi?" I asked. I tried not to panic. This had been chaos, and it would be easy to get lost here.
"She was just ahead of us," Rosita answered. "She probably made it out already."
I nodded, but I knew that it didn't sound like her. If Naomi had found a way out, she'd have come back to take us with her. Aaron looked at me, and I knew he was thinking the same thing. That alarm had been so damn loud, screaming from every wall around us that it would have drowned out any cries for help. Now that it was quiet, I turned to yell for her in case she was wandering the corridors looking for us. Rick caught me before I could.
"Hey, man," he said. "Don't. There could be more of them."
"She's missing."
"I'm sure she's fine," Rick said. "She's probably waiting out there for all of us. You ready?"
We all nodded, raised our guns, and he opened the door in front of us. It was light. Blinding compared to the dark of that damn base.
No shots fired.
No Naomi. She must still be in there.
I was about to head back in there when a bike burst out of one of the side doors. I could tell by the engine that it was the one that had been stolen from me. I looked over. Sure enough, there it was. It wasn't D that was on it, but that didn't matter.
"Son of a bitch!" I roared, running towards him. I started shooting. I think a few people behind me did too. The guy fell off the bike, slammed his back into the ground. Before he could get up, I tackled him. Started smacking him in the face.
"Where is she?"
"Who?" he stared back at me, his lip bleeding and his eyes wide.
"Where'd you get the bike?"
Rick came up behind me, his gun trained on the guy.
"Just do it," the man on the ground said to him. "Like you did to everyone else, right?"
There was a hopelessness in his eyes. Like he thought we were the bad guys in all this.
"Lower your gun, prick," a woman's voice crackled over the walkie he was wearing. Rick hesitated. "You, with the Colt Python. All of you, lower your weapons right now."
I stood up. She clearly had eyes on us, so she had to be close. Rick bent down and took the walkie.
"Come on out," Rick said. "Let's talk."
"We're not coming out, but we will talk," she replied. I knew what was coming before she said it. "We've got a Carol, a Naomi and a Maggie. I'm thinking that's something you want to chat about."
No.
No, no, no, no.
I scanned the parameter around us. If they were close enough to see Rick's gun, they were close enough to shoot dead.
"We're going to work this out right now, and it's going to go our way," the woman said.
"You can see we have one of yours," Rick replied. "We'll trade."
"I'm listening."
"First I want to talk to Maggie, Naomi and Carol, make sure they're alright."
There was a short silence, and then Carol's voice crackled over the radio.
"Rick, it's Carol…" she sounded scared out of her mind. "I'm fine, but…"
She was cut off. And then Maggie's voice crackled over too, "Rick, it's Maggie. We're all okay. We'll figure this-"
Cut off again.
"Rick, it's Naomi. Tell Daryl I'm-"
"Shut up," the woman said. No! Tell Daryl she's what? Hurt? Dying? FUCK! The woman kept going, "You have your proof. Let's talk."
That wasn't proof of shit. I reached to grab the walkie off Rick, but he saw me coming and turned away from me, so I missed.
"This is the deal right here," he said. "Let 'em go, you can have your guy back and live."
"Three for one, that's not much of a trade."
"You don't have another choice. Or you would've done something about it already," Rick said. There was a long silence where I thought he'd blown it. A long enough pause for them to have already started walking away. The only thing holding me together was that I hadn't heard any gunshots yet. Rick tried again, "Look, I know you're talking it over. It's a fair trade. Just come out, we do this, we all walk away. Do we have a deal?"
"I'll get back to you," she said. And she didn't say anything else.
"No," I looked at Rick. That couldn't be it. He couldn't be done.
"Daryl…"
"Gimme the walkie," I told him. He hesitated. I held out my hand for it. "Gimme it. Now."
He handed it over, this warning look on his eyes like he thought I was dumb and reckless. I was too mad at the bitch on the other end of the to care.
"Hey," I said into the receiver. "You listen to me, we're gonna find you. If there's so much as a scratch on any of 'em, we'll tear you apart. You give 'em back right now, and we'll let you live."
There was a little pause, and then she said. "Your threats don't scare us. They're a little… desperate. I said I'll get back to you, and I will."
"This ain't a threat," I told her. "It's a promise. You just signed your own death warrant."
I threw the walkie down on the ground. Not hard enough to damage it but hard enough to take out my frustration a little.
"Daryl, we'll find 'em," Rick said. I was getting a little tired of his platitudes. I wondered if he'd be so calm if they had Michonne.
"Damn straight, we will," I said, and then I turned to the rest of the group. "Alright, they can't be far. Everyone spread out and look for signs of where these sons of bitches might have been creeping on us from. You think you find one, you holler. Right?"
The assholes would be moving by now. They'd probably already been running when I was talking to them. The faster we acted, the better chance we had of finding them alive.
"You need us for this?" Tara asked.
"The hell else are you going to do?" I asked her, although she wasn't talking to me, she was talking to Rick.
"Heath and I are supposed to leave on a run from here," Tara said, looking a little guilty. "But we can-"
"Nah, you go," Rick said. "We got this, right, Daryl?"
"Right," I said, although again, I wondered whether or not he'd have sent manpower away if it was Michonne we were looking for. Or Carl. But arguing with him would waste more damn time, and I didn't have that. I knew I could find and get them all on my own if that was the only choice I had. I walked away from them while Rick sent them off. He stayed with our new hostage while the rest of us fanned out and checked the woods for any tracks.
"Hey, Daryl!" Glenn called. "Over here. Think I got something."
I followed the sound of his voice and found him pointing down at some footprints in the mud. Everyone else gathered around, and I tried to keep them from standing on anything that might lead us to them.
"Yeah, they were here," I said, pointing out the scuff marks on the ground to anyone who might be dumb enough to miss them. You could tell that there were people who'd moved off there deliberately and some who had been dragged. From here, they'd have had a good view of us coming out of the base. I was confident they'd all been here.
"Can you track them?" Glenn asked.
"Yeah," I said. The Saviors had been in too big a hurry to stop and cover their tracks. I followed them up a grassy verge and through the undergrowth. It ended on a dirt road.
"They had a car?" Glenn asked. I nodded.
"Went that way," I pointed down it. "Probably not far, depending on what kinda range they got on that walkie."
I just had to hope the guy we had was worth enough to them to keep up that end of the bargain. We headed back to the cars, I told Rick I knew what direction they'd gone in. I picked the bike up from where it was lying on the grass and wheeled it over to where the cars were parked. It took everything in me not to just take off there and then.
"Alright, I'm gonna try the radio again. To see if they're still in range," Rick said. The rest of us gathered around to listen. He pushed the button, "Have you thought about it? Talk to me."
"You weren't listening," the bitch replied. Still in range, but there was a lot of static. They'd moved further away since we'd last spoken to them. "I said I'd contact you."
"Would it make a difference if I said I was sorry about that?" Rick said. He gave me a look that made it clear he'd noticed the increase of static too.
"What do you think?" she asked.
"I think we're gonna make the trade," he said. "So, tell me where."
"We haven't agreed to that," she reminded him.
"You will," he said.
"You know what, I'm not so sure," she said. "We'd be taking most of the risk, not getting much in the way of a reward."
I looked down at the guy we'd taken prisoner to see whether or not he thought she was bluffing. He didn't flinch. Either because he was confident they'd save him, or because he'd already resigned himself to die for their cause. Whatever the fuck that was. Being the biggest assholes on the planet, maybe?
"The other option won't work out for you," Rick said.
"We'll take our chances."
Then the radio cut out again. Rick looked at me. "They've moved."
"No engines in the background, though," I said. "So they've stopped moving, they're holed up somewhere. Can't be far."
"Then let's find 'em," he said. He looked around at everyone else. "Alright, get ready to move out. Follow Daryl's lead. When we find a place that looks good, pull over someplace out of sight, and we'll scout the rest out on foot."
Basic safety precautions. But I longed for the day I'd be able to just storm into something like this and burn shit down. Fighting I was good at. This waiting around and planning shit? Not so much. Every fiber of my body wanted to destroy anything that got between me and what I wanted.
Hold on, Naomi. I'm coming.
I got on the bike. I looked back at them all. "Y'all keep up 'cause I ain't stopping for ya."
I started the bike as I heard the rush of doors slamming and engines starting. I drove fast to the road that I'd tracked them too and then slowed down. Not to let the others catch up but because I couldn't afford to miss anything. Any small clue could be vital. I heard the rumble of other engines following me down to where that dirt road turned into a proper on. I slowed by any turning that we came across, searching for signs that another vehicle had been down there.
Eventually, I spotted another dirt track. Looked like one that farm vehicles might have used back when there were big, industrial farms. Wide enough for tractors or livestock trucks. Something had turned it down recently. I slowed to a stop and signaled to the cars behind me that this was the place. Heard the engines cut out. Glenn got out of the car. "They come down this way?"
"Something did," I said. "Let's go on foot."
Glenn nodded and signaled to the others to get out of their cars. Rick forced the hostage we'd taken out of the back of one of them. We walked through the woods beside the road, so they wouldn't see us coming. It led us to a building. A few Walkers roamed around outside it. Not enough to be a threat, but enough to keep us at a distance.
"Looks like an old slaughterhouse," I said and tried not to overthink the implications of that. I walked back to where Rick stood with our hostage, "This a place you assholes use?"
He stared back at me, all ugly and defiant.
Glenn pointed his gun in his face. "Answer him."
"Shoot me," the guy said. He said it like a dare. "Just fucking shoot me."
The guy was damn lucky that at the moment, keeping him alive was the only bargaining chip we had. If the Saviors didn't use this place, I had to believe that he'd just come out and say it. His silence said more than he thought. I looked at Glenn. "It's gotta be here."
He nodded. But we both had a lot to lose, and wishful thinking was a hell of a drug. What if I was wrong?
I looked back at the building. We'd killed a lot of them back at their base, but there was no way of knowing how many Saviors had slipped out after the alarm went off, no way to tell how many of them were with Naomi, Carol, and Maggie. We could easily be outnumbered and not know it.
"Asshole, are you there?" the bitch's voice came over the radio. Hardly any static. Rick and I exchanged a look. They were close.
"I'm here," Rick said.
"We've thought about it. We want to make the trade."
"That's good."
"There's a large field with a sign that says 'God Is Dead,' about two miles down the I-66," she said. "Good visibility in all directions."
"We'll meet you there in ten minutes?" Rick said. I looked at him.
"Ten minutes," the bitch agreed, and then there was silence again.
"We ain't going there, are we?" I said.
"Nah," Rick agreed. "That was too easy. We'll stay here for a bit, keep an eye on the place."
Ten minutes came and went. Nobody came in or out of the slaughterhouse, and the radio didn't make another sound. Next to me, Glenn leaned forward.
"Is that smoke?" he asked. I followed where he was looking and nodded. Something in there was on fire, which meant that somebody was definitely home. Had it been set on purpose? Was it some kind of trap? I couldn't lose Naomi to the flames again. I couldn't lose her at all.
"I'm moving in," I said. The burning itch to do something, to fuck shit up, was too much. I couldn't wait and watch anymore.
"Alright," Rick said, and I was glad he wasn't trying to hold me back anymore. He pointed. "That door there. We clear the Walkers - quietly - and we get in through that door. Got it?"
We moved fast and kept low. The Saviors didn't appear to have any lookouts anywhere, but you couldn't be too careful. We took the Walkers out with knives so that gunshots wouldn't alert them to us. It was a slow process, trying to stay out of sight and get them all nice and quiet.
We got to the door, ready to storm the place. Rick started to say something, probably some kinda pep talk to get us ready, but then the door opened. I saw the guns first. Two of them. My finger tensed over the trigger of my own. Maggie and Carol looked back at us. Glenn rushed forward and wrapped his arms around the mother of his unborn child. I heard her sob as she leaned into him.
Carol looked at us, wide-eyed and pale.
"You start a fire?" I asked her. The smell of smoke and burning meat filled the halls.
"Yeah," she nodded. Her eyes were all spaced out like she was on some shit. My stomach twisted with worry as I turned her head to look me in the eye.
"Hey, you good?" I asked. It was hard to get her to look at me. To look at anything.
"No," she shook her head.
"C'mere," I said. I pulled her towards me in a hug. What the hell had happened to them here? What was so bad that it could make Carol of all people react like this? I looked over her shoulder at the empty corridor behind her. My stomach twisted again. "Where's Naomi?"
"Behind us," Carol said, which was too vague. She wasn't just behind them because I couldn't damn well see her. "She… We couldn't move her. I'm so sorry, Daryl."
"What?" I held her at arm's length. Now weren't the time for whatever kinda breakdown she was having. I needed her to get her shit together for long enough to tell me what the hell was going on.
"She's injured, Daryl," Maggie said, letting go of her husband. "We didn't wanna move her until we knew it was clear out here."
Then why the hell were we wasting all this time hugging?
I looked a Glenn, "Get one of the cars. Bring it around."
"On it," he said, and turned back around.
"Show me," I demanded. My heart was beating faster than I could move my legs. Maggie led me back into the corridor they'd just come from. There were bodies piled up and smoke in the air. Whole place smelt of death. Some of the corpses looked fresh, but there had definitely once been Walkers roaming the hallways too. We passed some that were stuck on spikes as some kinda sick barricade. They'd all been taken out though, probably by Maggie and Carol.
Maggie stopped at one of the doors and looked at me, "She's in here. We tried to keep her safe, Daryl. We-"
"Show me," I said again. Maggie pushed on the door. Naomi's body was slumped in one of the corners furthest from us. One half of her face was drenched in blood. Too much of it so see where it originated from. Crimson and freshly flowing. My own blood turned to ice. Without thinking, I yelled, "Fuck!"
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
For the longest second of my life, I thought she wasn't moving, but when she heard me, she looked up, "Daryl?"
She said it like I was the last person she expected to see or wasn't really sure it was me she was seeing. Her voice was groggy, and she kind of squinted at me like she was having trouble focussing.
"Hey," I rushed toward her, cupped her face in my hands. It was slick with blood. "Hey. Which one of them did this to you? Huh?"
"A dead one," she said. "Don't worry about it."
"What happened?"
"Nothing," she said.
"Bullshit. Let's get you up. Get you home," I slid an arm under Naomi's shoulders, tried to get my other one under her legs, but she stopped me. "Let me lift you."
"No, I'm fine," she said. "I can do it."
She put a hand on my shoulder and used it to pull herself to her feet. She stood for barely a second before what little color was left in her face drained from it real fast. Her hand gripped my shoulder like a vice. Her eyes rolled back so far that all I could see was the whites. She lurched forwards and threw up all over the floor. I caught her before she fell.
"Fuck," I said again. This time when she looked at me, she looked a little scared. I slipped my hands under her. "Naomi. I got you."
A gunshot. She froze. "What was that?"
"Probably just Rick," I said. "Don't worry about it. Let me do this. Let me get you out of here."
She nodded, didn't try to push me away a second time. Her arms looped around my neck, I picked her up. She looked paler than she had before. Trying to stand up had drained the blood from her face. Her eyes kept slipping in and out of focus, her arms around my neck got weaker and weaker. I worried she was about to slip into unconsciousness.
"Keep talking to me, Naomi," I told her. It was more for my sake than hers. This was too much like carrying Beth out of that damn hospital. She even had blood matting in her hair. I felt sick at the memory of it. What if I couldn't save her? What if this was it? What if she just slipped away in my arms right now?
Out in the corridor, Rick nodded at the newly dead guy on the ground. "That was Negan."
"We got him?" Naomi whispered, like that would somehow many any of this okay.
"We got him," Rick said.
I could not have cared less about Negan. Never wanted to hear the sorry prick's name again.
"Rick, we gotta go," I said, rushing past him. "Now."
"Shit, is she okay?" Aaron ran toward us.
"She look okay?" I snapped. I could see Glenn in one of the cars, speeding down the path toward us.
"I'm fine," Naomi tried to reassure both of us, but her voice was quiet. More blood had already run down into her left eye. She tried to look around, "Where's Carol? Is Carol okay?"
"She's fine," I said. "Worry about yourself."
"I'm so sorry, Naomi," Carol said, appearing by my elbow.
"What you sorry for?" I asked.
"You okay, Carol?" Naomi asked. She reached out a hand and took Carol's. "You did great in there."
Carol didn't say anything else. They just looked at each other. Glenn stopped the car stopped in front of us, and Maggie opened the door. She helped me slide Naomi into the back seat. I climbed in after her, cradled her head in my lap.
"I'll bring your bike back," Aaron told me. Like I gave a shit about that now.
"Thanks," I said because I knew I'd been rude to him before. And he as only trying to help.
"Just get her home," Aaron said before he shut the door.
"Hurry," I told Glenn as Maggie got into the passenger seat. He started driving, and she opened up the glove box.
"There's a medical kit in here," she said, opening it up and passing a bunch of bandages back to me. "If you can find where she's bleeding from, put some pressure on it."
I wiped it off her face as gently as I could, working my way up to the source of all the blood. I struggled to find it through her matted and twisted hair. "Why's your damn hair like this?"
"It's a braid. Eric made me do it," she said. "Think he was tryna make me pretty."
"That's dumb," I said. "You always look beautiful."
A little bit of color returned to her cheeks, she gave me a weak smile, "Shut up."
"Floor it," I said, looking up at Glenn. I could not lose her like this. I would not lose her like this.
"I'm going as fast as I can," Glenn said.
"Hey," Naomi looked up at me. "I'm gonna be fine, quit worrying."
But she was so pale. And there was so much blood. Clammy beads of sweat on her forehead. She was holding on to my hand, but not tight enough. It just felt like she was slipping away. She closed her eyes again.
"Naomi?" I said. "Talk to me."
"I'm fine," she murmured. "I just feel sick."
The car stopped, and I was about to lose my shit at Glenn when I realized that we were at the gates. Alexandria opened up, and we sped through, not stopping for the usual checks. When we came to a stop outside Denise's, I carried her out again, and Maggie ran ahead to warn her. Denise and Noah were both in there, told me to put her down on the hospital bed. Naomi opened her eyes again as they crowded around her, pushing me to the outskirts of the room. I'd been holding it together pretty well, but now it was up to other people to save her, the weight of it all caught up to me. She looked so small and so broken. She felt so far away.
"Daryl," I felt Maggie's hand on my shoulder. "Let's give them some space, yeah? Why don't we go get some air?"
I nodded, stumbled out of the medical center. I couldn't go further than the porch, I didn't want there to be more than a door between us. Maggie looked at me. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I said, but I wasn't. I sat down on the step because I wasn't sure how much longer my knees could hold me up. "What happened to her?"
"Carol was freaking out," Maggie said. "Naomi saw it, and she was worried about her. She was worried about me, too… 'cause of the baby… she just kinda snapped."
I closed my eyes. "Snapped how?"
But I could picture it. I knew what Naomi was like when she snapped. The things she would do to protect the people she cared about. Maggie took a deep breath, "She mouthed off a little, managed to get her hands free. Carol was hyperventilating, and they wouldn't do anything about it, so she… she got a few good punches in before they took her down."
"Carol was hyperventilating?" I repeated. "For real?"
"Not sure," Maggie said. "She was scared, that's for sure. But I think she was more scared of what she knew we were going to have to do to get out of there. 'Course, Naomi didn't know that. She just saw that she was scared, so she kept fighting."
"What did they do to her?"
"They split us all up after that," Maggie said. "Dragged her off someplace. After Carol and I broke out, we found her with that head wound."
I put my head in my hands. The world felt like it was spinning way too fast, and now I was the one who wanted to throw up. I should've kept a better eye on her when we were in the base, never should've left her side. I should've found her faster. I wished whoever had hurt her had still been alive when I got there so I could've made them pay for it. Chopped tiny pieces of them off while they were still alive until they were nothing but a head. I knew I didn't have the kind of self-control for that, though. I knew if I'd found them, I'd have shot them and kept shooting until I was out of bullets.
"Daryl?" Denise's voice from behind me. I hadn't even heard the door. I looked around, tried to read in her face whether or not she was bringing me bad news. "You can come back in now."
"She okay?" I asked. Denise nodded. The relief was so strong it made me shake.
"It's a mild concussion," Denise said. "She'll be fine."
"Told you," Naomi called from behind her. It was the first time it wasn't annoying to hear her be proved right.
I looked back at Maggie, who gave me an encouraging smile, "On you go. Give her my best."
"Mild?" I said to Denise as I followed her back in. "You sure? She tell you she threw up?"
Denise suppressed a smile, "Yes, she told me, don't worry."
"'Cause that seems pretty serious," I said. "I don't think-"
"Daryl!" Naomi said. "Other than a crushing headache, I'm fine."
But she didn't look fine. With her head all bandaged up, lying in that damn bed. She looked small. And like I could lose her at any moment.
"I'm just going to go and find you some painkillers," Denise said to her. "We're almost out, but we should have just enough."
"I'll tell Glenn," she said. "He was planning another run soon, I'm sure we can pick up some more."
"Oh, you ain't going anywhere for at least a week," I told her. I looked at Denise, "She shouldn't be doing anything strenuous, right?"
"Right," she said. "Although a week might be too much."
"I'd like to see you stop me," Naomi grumbled.
"I'll be right back," Denise said and left the room. In the silence, alone for the first time in a while, Naomi and I looked at each other.
"Why you gotta be like this?" I muttered. "Why can't you just stay safe?"
"They were assholes," she said. "Carol was freaking out… I had to do something."
"Carol was fine," I said. "She had a damn plan."
"Well, I know that now," she grumbled. "And I ain't convinced she's fine, Daryl. I'm worried about her. Shit got dark in there."
I wanted to ask what she meant, what had happened to them, to her while they were separated. But Naomi had always been so damn cagey about these things, I didn't think I'd get very far. I pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed.
"Carol's tough," I said. "She'll pull through. Worry about yourself."
Naomi looked like she wanted to disagree. It was ridiculous for her to be worrying about Carol while she had that damn gash on the side of her head.
"Just because people are tough, don't mean they ain't got their limits," she said. I wondered if she was talking about herself or Carol. The shit I'd seen both of them do… they seemed limitless to me.
"I know that," I said.
"I know you do," she said quietly. If anyone was acutely aware of my limits - the fraying edges of my temper, my short fuse, my difficulty expressing anything other than anger - it was her. She sighed, "I just… I always felt like I owed Carol. For what she did at Terminus."
"That's dumb. You got yourself out of Terminus."
"Yeah, but she's the one who burned it down," she said. She looked up from where she'd been staring at her feet, poking out the end of the bed. "And she got you out. Got Perla out. Lucas… all y'all."
"Don't mean you owe her," I said. "Not enough to risk your damn life like that."
"You'd have done the same," she said. I sighed. I stood up and leaned over her, pushing the hair away from her face so I could see where Deinse had put the bandage. I so badly wanted to kiss her again, with her face so close to mine, but I wasn't sure what the rules on kissing concussed people were.
"I just need you to be okay," I whispered. Fear of losing her filled me up from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.
"I am okay," she said. "I promise."
The door opened, and Denise came back, a glass of water and a few pills in her hand, "This is all we can spare, but they should do the trick for today."
"Thanks," Naomi said, trying to prop herself up. "But I don't really need 'em if we're running low. I'll be fine. Save them for someone else."
I'm sure she'd have said the same even if her head was about to fall off.
"No. You should take them," Denise said, and I was glad it wasn't just down to me to convince her not to be such a damn fool. "They might make you a little drowsy."
"Drowsy?" I repeated. "Ain't that bad? Ain't folks with concussions always dying in their sleep? Should we keep her awake?"
"No," Denise said, looking a little bombarded by all my questions. "Sleep is good for her. It'll help her brain heal."
I fought the urge to ask Denise if I could see her damn medical degree, just to make sure she'd passed Concussion 101. Naomi was staring daggers at me. "Quit fussing, Daryl."
Denise smiled at both of us, passed her the pills and a glass of water.
"You shouldn't be alone for a while," Denise told her, which was fine because I hadn't planned on leaving her side, maybe ever. "In case things get worse, you should have someone check in on you."
"She can stay with me," I said immediately, while Naomi was busy swallowing the painkillers. "I'll make sure she's alright."
"Absolutely not," Naomi said. "You've been up all night, too. You need rest just as much as I do."
"You got a damn concussion," I said. "You need it more."
"I'll go home, and Eric can check in on me," she said. "He ain't been up all night like you and Aaron. Besides, I'm already feeling better."
She gave me a smile like that proved anything.
"You're welcome to stay here overnight," Denise offered.
"No," she started to say. "It's fine, I can…"
"You're staying here with a damn Doctor, or you're staying with me," I told her.
"Will that make you less of a psycho?" she asked. "If I stay here?"
"Yes."
"Fine," she sighed. Then she looked back at Denise, "If you're sure that's alright?"
"Of course," Denise said, she was already by the door. "Just get some rest."
"I'll come get you if she needs anything," I said. "I can stay, too, right? Keep an eye on her?"
"Are you serious?" Naomi snapped.
Denise gave us another smile. "If… if you want to."
Naomi waited until the door was closed, and then she rounded on me. "Daryl, for fuck's sake, get out of here."
"No." I sat down again.
"You need to sleep."
"I can sleep here."
"Sitting up in a damn chair?"
"Yeah," I said. "Slept in worse places."
"That ain't the point."
"Then what is the point?" I asked.
"You need rest," she said. "A proper, good rest."
"And I'll get one," I told her. "Right after you have."
"You're impossible," she sighed, and I felt a rush of triumph because that sounded like defeat. "Never met anyone so damn stubborn."
"Back at ya," I said. "Thought them pills were supposed to make you sleepy?"
"They ain't kicked in yet," she said. "So, I still got enough energy to kick you out."
"You move from that bed, I'll kill you," I told her, and she smiled. I knew she couldn't help herself. She closed her eyes, turned her head away from me, and I started worrying about concussed people dying in their sleep again. Her hand lay on top of the covers. The thought of her, slipping away from me like that was too much. Made me want to hold on to her even tighter. I took hold of her hand to check she was still there, to see if I could feel her pulse beating. She turned her head back again, looking down first at where our hands met and then at me.
"You can't sleep on that damn chair," she said. Why was she igniting this fight again?
"Watch me," I told her. "I ain't leaving."
"No," she said and let go of my hand, moving herself to the furthest side of the bed from where I was sitting. She patted the space beside her. "C'mon."
I sat up but didn't move out of the chair. "What?"
"Come on," she said. "I'm concussed, I ain't contagious."
I stood up. Still not sure what it was she was asking of me, I sat down in the space she'd made. "I don't think we can top and tail like this."
"You think I want your stinky feet kicking me in the head when I got a concussion?" she asked. "Lie down, dummy."
I lay down beside her, both our heads on the same pillow. Her shoulder pressed right up against mine, and the metal bars of the hospital bed dug into my other side. It wasn't built for two, and I could imagine the bars on the other side were giving her the same trouble.
"Hey, sit up a sec," I told her.
"What now?" she said, but she propped herself up a little. I slipped an arm underneath her, moved closer to the middle of the mattress. She frowned at me, "What are you…"
"Just lean on me, will ya?" I said.
"You sure?" she hesitated. "That doesn't sound comfortable for you."
"Better than these damn bars digging into me," I said. Naomi looked like she wanted to keep fighting me, but something made her stop. She lay back down again, her head resting just below my chin. I could feel she was tense, hardly moving. I felt the same, not wanting to breathe too much in case it disrupted her, and she tried to send me away again. I heard her yawn. "You comfy?"
"Yeah," she said. "Is it okay for you?"
It was more than okay.
"Yeah," I said, and I felt her relax into me. Now that I could feel the warmth of her body, the rise and fall of her chest against my side as she breathed, I felt like I could relax too. One of her arms wrapped hesitantly around my middle. I coiled my arm tightly around her, resting my hand in the curve between her hip and her ribs.
"Daryl?" she said sleepily.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for being here."
I smiled into her hair. "Shut up and rest, dumbass. Heal that big brain of yours."
I felt her soft laugh in my arms. I'd thought that waiting until shit with the Saviors was over was the right thing to do, but I'd had my priorities all wrong. Today had proved that. I could've lost her. And for what? Taking out some asshole? Everything that mattered was already here, wrapped up in my arms.
I was just so glad to be holding her again, the sound of her breathing relaxed me like it always had, and I felt the adrenaline of the day start to ebb away. Her head on my chest felt so… right. Holding her, this close, felt like the only way to make sure that she was safe. I never wanted her to be more than an arm's length from me again.
"Feels right, don't it?" I whispered to her. "You and me?"
But she was already asleep. I kissed the top of her head, and tangled up in each other, we finally got some rest.